08/05/2011 11:33 am ET | Updated Oct 04, 2011

The Most Important Advice for Moms of Adults: Don't Give Advice

"People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool." - Elayne Boosler

Awww, motherhood.. often begins with pregnancy. In the days when I was getting knocked up we couldn't find out the gender of our unborn babies, it was a surprise. Personally, I thought seeing a human head coming through my vagina was surprise enough. Did it three times -- the tornado in my crotch. Each one produced a child. (You know how one worries.)

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. They come. They stay. They stay for a very loooong time. I kept praying for the FDA to approve tranquilizer guns for children but it never happened. My dream/expectation of being the perfect mother quickly turned to prayers of, "O God, if you'll help me not kill them, I promise to quit fantasizing about the lawn boy." I agree with Ed Asner, "Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare."

The years flew by. I survived and the kids made it to adulthood with all their limbs. And because of that colossal accomplishment, I'd like to share what I have learned in all of the developmental stages of motherhood.

Things I learned as a mom of young children:

• Small Legos will indeed pass through the digestive tract.
• When a child doesn't want his picture taken, there is nothing you can do.
• There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
• If you run out of milk you can add baby formula to mashed potatoes. (Other great cooking tips to come.)

Things I learned as a mom of school-aged children:

• If you have trouble getting your child's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
• If vomit is spewing from your child's mouth, don't try to run to the bathroom with the vomiter... it leaves a trail.
• Cleaning house with children around is like raking leaves on a windy fall day.
• Delivering children by automobile in your nightgown and robe will guarantee that you run out of gas....even if you have a full tank.

Things I learned as a mom of teens:

• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
• Eye rolling, foot stomping, door slamming and OMGing can happen in a single motion.. and at Olympic performance levels.
• Teens only threaten to run away. They rarely do. But the thought of it helps.

Things I am STILL learning as a mom of adult children (God help me):

• Don't give advice.
• Humans are NOT the smartest species - we let our children return home after they are grown.
• Don't give advice.
• Giving grandkids giant chocolate sundaes with Coke to drink just before their parents arrive to pick them up is fabulous revenge.
• Don't give advice.
• Oh yeah, and don't give advice.