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Tony Phillips
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Tony Phillips lives in San Diego where he has worked as a government grant writer for the past 15 years. He has also worked in both China and Mexico teaching English and contemporary American culture.

Entries by Tony Phillips

Argument Over Literary Forms Turns Deadly in Russia

(0) Comments | Posted February 3, 2014 | 11:25 AM

YEKATERINBURG, Russia -- As we're wont to say in my family, y'all ain't gonna believe this: It seems a former school teacher in Russia's Sverdlosk district stabbed and killed his friend in a drunken argument over the superiority of poetry versus prose.

In case you've forgotten, it's been...

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Mother Appeals Court's Order to Circumcise Her Son

(26) Comments | Posted December 29, 2013 | 11:00 PM

On Christmas Eve I read the story of an Israeli woman who is appealing a court ruling ordering her to circumcise her son. A fabulous seasonal narrative, no?

I worked my way through college as a janitor in the circumcision ward. The wages were bad, but I picked up a...

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Tiny Marsupials That Mate Themselves to Death

(10) Comments | Posted October 9, 2013 | 2:01 PM

Males of the genus Antechinus, once called marsupial mice, mature quickly and mate repeatedly during a short breeding season, humping away until they're totally played out. Then they die... and males of all other species are jealous.

Antechinuses are native only to Australia, Tasmania and New Guinea. Male...

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Of Georgia Hogs and Ill-mannered Gorillas

(0) Comments | Posted September 26, 2013 | 4:43 PM

ATLANTA -- Yesterday I called my friend at Emory University and he assured me that Atlanta is not the sort of place where one expects to see a pack of wild hogs running loose in the streets. He's a biologist so he should know about hogs and stuff, particular right...

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Man Shot in Argument About Kant

(13) Comments | Posted September 18, 2013 | 5:48 PM

ROSTOV on DON, Russia -- Immanuel Kant, 18th Century philosopher, author of the Critique of Pure Reason, giant of the Age of Enlightenment, bon vivant, man about town, judge of good whiskey, he of the fecund synthesis, intellectual godfather of Fichte, Schelling, Hegel, Schopenhauer and luminaries of thought too numerous...

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A Weirder Than Usual Week, Even by Chinese Standards

(0) Comments | Posted August 22, 2013 | 2:54 PM

LUOHE, Henan, P.R. China -- Visitors to the zoo in the Luohe People's Park were perturbed recently when the animal on exhibit in the habitat marked "African lion" started barking. It seems zoo officials replaced their lion, currently on loan to a breeding center, with a Tibetan mastiff, which, as...

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Paris Police Seize 60 Tons of Fake Stuff That's Not Legally Fake

(14) Comments | Posted July 26, 2013 | 12:38 PM

PARIS -- As writers go, I'm a sloppy one. I frequently fail to save my work. I don't file. I organize priorities like a wildebeest crossing a river. All of that's to my occasional chagrin since things I write turn up with some regularity on sites I didn't write them...

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Mother Seeks Hooker Online to Take Son's Virginity

(29) Comments | Posted July 19, 2013 | 3:56 PM

In the God-I-Hope-That's-Not-Real department is this nugget from Gawker.com, detailing a Philadelphia mother's ad on Craigslist's "casual encounters" section seeking a young woman who will, for a fee, claim her "socially awkward" son's virginity and turn him into a "cool college kid" prior to his entering Harvard this...

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Who Thinks Dennis Rodman Deserves a Nobel Peace Prize? Dennis Rodman

(7) Comments | Posted July 3, 2013 | 9:53 AM

NEWPORT BEACH, Cal. -- What can one say about Dennis Rodman. There are known unknowns, there are unknown unknowns and there are known clowns. If you put Dennis Rodman's brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backward. Dennis Rodman is weirder than advertised. Rumor has it that Nicki...

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Medieval Feces, Seriously

(0) Comments | Posted June 26, 2013 | 4:49 PM

Y'all might have missed this one. Per Reuters:

"Medieval feces discovered at an ancient castle in Cyprus has revealed that the Crusaders suffered from a bad case of the worms, and had poor hygiene habits."

Interesting historical note, that. More interesting to me, though, is the fact that...

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Finns Apologize to Putin for Inclusion on Blacklist

(0) Comments | Posted April 11, 2013 | 2:38 PM

HELSINKI -- When it comes to maintaining cordial cross-border relations, a good way to start is by not placing the president of your nearest neighbor on an official list of malefactors, which is what Finland did, but then right quickly undid to keep from pissing off the 600-pound bear that...

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On Sue Everhart and the Supposed Benefits of Marriage

(0) Comments | Posted April 4, 2013 | 12:47 PM

In the early 1990s, my dad, who never served in the armed forces, had a strongly held opinion about gays in the military. He told me, "If I'm in a foxhole, I don't want the guy next to me looking at my butt." I replied, "Dad, I've seen your butt...

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Richard III Reportedly Rolling Over

(2) Comments | Posted March 27, 2013 | 11:16 AM

EAST MIDLANDS -- In case you missed it, archaeologists announced last month that they had confirmed the discovery of the remains of England's King Richard III, unearthed by workers in 2012 from beneath a parking lot in Leicester.

Dick Trois, you'll recall, was slain at the Battle of...

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Norwegian Television Broadcasts Fireplace

(1) Comments | Posted February 20, 2013 | 2:27 PM

"People in Norway have a spiritual relationship with fire," said Rune Moeklebust, a producer with Norway state broadcaster NRK. "Fire is the reason we're here. If there was no firewood we couldn't live in Norway. We'd Freeze."

Actually, Norway has a lovely climate, if you're a moose. Moeklebust's point is...

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The Brazilian Spider Issue

(20) Comments | Posted February 9, 2013 | 12:13 PM

SANTO ANTONIO da PLATINA, Brazil - Welcome to Brazil. Here's your amulet and electrified umbrella.

Those of you planning a getaway to someplace not beset by the winter's discontent might want to scratch Brazil off your list of destinations. It seems that while Nature dumps her frozen fury...

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Cat Sneaks Phone, Saw Into Brazilian Prison

(1) Comments | Posted January 11, 2013 | 2:00 PM

A cat walked into a Brazilian prison carrying a cell phone, a saw and other assorted hardware and by "cat" I don't mean as in, "He's a groovy cat." I mean as in "Hey! There's a fur-bearing, mouse-chasing, milk-lapping pussy gato walking into that prison with a saw."

...
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Seriously Annoying Words, Like 'Fiscal Cliff' and Whatever

(17) Comments | Posted January 2, 2013 | 5:10 PM

Warning: Rant ahead.

So you know how like, when the phone rings and your wife's all like, "Just answer it," and you're like, "You get it," and she's all like, "Dude!" and you're like, "All right."

Of course you don't. You use English in your home. Not so my family....

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Bennet Greenwald: Second Chance Chairman Making a Difference and Measuring Results

(1) Comments | Posted December 6, 2012 | 2:43 PM

Southeast San Diego is a historically black neighborhood that today includes a majority Latino population with growing subgroups of refugees and asylum seekers from North Africa and the Middle East, along with pockets of ethnic Samoans and Southeast Asians. It could be described as a diverse, working-class neighborhood. It could...

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Sex Sells: Burgers, Coffins, You Name It

(10) Comments | Posted November 13, 2012 | 2:35 PM

POLAND -- Says me: sex and barbecue don't mix. Adolescent, nubile girl parts have no relation to or bearing upon the quality of an angus burger topped with pulled pork and spicy sauce. The twain don't meet, and if you go to the drive-through and order yourself a Memphis BBQ...

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Paul Ryan's Text Messages Utterly Boring

(0) Comments | Posted October 18, 2012 | 11:15 AM

INDIANAPOLIS – While stumping at a VFW hall in the capital of Indiana this afternoon, Republican Vice Presidential candidate and emerging heart-throb Paul Ryan inadvertently left his Iphone on a lectern and departed in a motorcade destined for the Indianapolis airport.

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