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Mother Seeks Hooker Online to Take Son's Virginity

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In the God-I-Hope-That's-Not-Real department is this nugget from Gawker.com, detailing a Philadelphia mother's ad on Craigslist's "casual encounters" section seeking a young woman who will, for a fee, claim her "socially awkward" son's virginity and turn him into a "cool college kid" prior to his entering Harvard this fall.

In an act of unimaginable maternal grossness, the woman posted that her son:

"... has never had a girlfriend and I'm sure he's a virgin. I want to find a cute young girl to date him and turn him from high school nerd to cool college kid. He's very handsome and extremely fit, he's on the varsity cross country team so I'd say there's almost zero body fat on him. You need to be 19 or under as 20+ would probably freak him out."

Twenty-plus might freak a nerd out, but not nearly as much as finding out that his mother hired a hooker online to help him stop being such a dork. Thank goodness for technology. In the old days a helicopter monster had to stand in line at the food court and ask passing hussies, "Excuse me, you look like a prostitute. Could I pay you to deflower my son?"

But that was then, this is now. Thanks to Craigslist we get:

"Here's my plan. I'll buy [four] tickets to some great concert coming up and give two to my son and [two] to you. He will know nothing about the other [two] tickets. He'll go to the show with one of his buddies... and you and your friend will be in the seats next to them."

It's a good thing they'll be sitting next to one another, otherwise she'd have had to describe her son as "the shy kid with the stiff gait, spotty complexion and hairy palms."

It goes on:

"Now you spring into action... you start talking to him during the concert and eventually pick him up. Ask him to take you somewhere after and ditch your friends. Then you seduce him and take his virginity. Keep dating him (and showing him different sex positions) til he goes to college and then let him go gently so he'll have the confidence to date other girls once he's there."

How many ways can this go wrong?

There are horror movies with less disturbing premises. This woman must actually want her kid to stuff her and stick her in a rocking chair in the attic.

I feel compelled to reach out to the motherly poster of this particular travesty of whoredom. Madam -- geek or no geek, no kid wants his mom mixed up in his chick chasing. You might not know this, but a boy's mother is what he thinks of when he's trying not to get laid. I'm 47 and if I heard that my mother spoke to my wife about sexual positions, I'd tie a "Born Loser" bandana round my head, strip down to my skivvies, shinny up a flag pole and scream like a banshee down at the Presbyterian church.

Seriously. Men are living in padded cells over less onerous instances of mothering. If you think your son needs to get some before going to college -- well first of all, stop thinking about your boy's sex life, right now! -- but beyond that, do what fathers do: loan him the car, give him a C-note and directions to the border. I'm sure that works better in San Diego than in Philadelphia. Tijuana is one thing; East Lansdowne is something else entirely.

Still, whatever you do, get a bit more subtle, please. The world's a mess of a place and we're all messed up in it. The very last thing we need is another man whose sexual achievements depend entirely on his mother's influence. We already have Prince Charles and Jack Osbourne. Well, actually, England has those and look at that place! The English take to sex like a duck takes to golf. There's Daniel Craig and Clive Owen, all right, fine, but show me a confident, butch Englishman and I'll show you two dozen squirmy, stammering Hugh Grants whose mothers were way too involved in their sex lives.

For sanity's sake, for decency's sake, for America's sake -- leave your virgin nerd boy alone!