11/07/2011 11:49 am ET | Updated Jan 07, 2012

5 Obscure R&B Album Covers

Originally published at Uptown Magazine

As you may or may not know, I have an ever burning love of random, obscure R&B music. It's my favorite thing ever on earth. Especially if it's from the New Jack Swing era, because nobody had any sense then-common sense, fashion sense, just no sense at all. I love it. One of my favorite things to do is go on hunts for obscure albums by obscure groups that I've never heard of. Here are my current favorites, not necessarily R&B, and in no particular order:

1. Sir Nature Alexander - New Jack Blues

Okay, take your time. There's a lot to take in here. A man whose first name is "Nature" and last name has a very unnecessary Z in it, who has apparently been made a knight; a cowboy hat whiter than the hem of Jesus; split ends for days. I can only assume that each of the songs on this album are each about an individual New Jack problem that he's got the blues about, which means they've probably got titles like "Ran Outta Blue Magic Hair Grease," "Who Ate the Last Neckbone?" and "I Cut My Hand on the Crease in My Easter Suit."

2. Paperboy - The Love Never Dies

Is this an album cover or an obituary?

Family and friends, we are gathered here to celebrate the homegoing of Laytron "Paperboy" Jones, who was called home to his Lord when his '84 Cutlass Supreme crashed into the side of Jay-Ron's Snackin' Shack during his morning paper route. His mama told him he was too old for a paper route, but he didn't listen. He leaves to survive him a host of family and friends, including three baby mamas who are probably in the parking lot fighting right now. Yall go get 'em.

3. Taka Boom - To Hell With Him

Oh, man. Between the title of this album and the look on her face, whatever sorry good-for-nothin' man she's pissed at is in trouble. I don't even think this was a photo shoot. She's not acting here. She is on her way to Leroy's house to go upside his head with a frying pan right now. (Don't ask me how I know her man's name is Leroy. What else could it be?)

4. Anthony and The Camp - What I Like

"Yeah, girl, you know what I'm sayin', I was thinkin' you could come over, you know, lose some of them draws you got on, slide on in the hot tub. With me. In the middle of a field. Just a random field somewhere. I'll pour you a bootful of the finest champipple you've ever had, and then we'll snuggle up real close and then.. my friends will come through wearing suits made of pajamas and play us some hot jams and cool tunes. So what time can I expect you?"

5. Sonia - You'll Never Stop Me Loving You

You know that quote from Maya Angelou that goes, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them?" See this girl's eyes? She is giving you all the crazy in the world right there. ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE CRAZY EYES. She's got a screw or two loose. Don't believe me? Then how do you explain the stalker-y obsessive album title? "You'll Never Stop Me Loving You" sounds a lot more like a threat than a sweet nothing. I bet she sings that song while sharpening her collection of butcher knives in front of pictures of her celebrity crush of the moment. And dots all her I's with hearts when she writes her ransom notes and death threats.

Want more obscure album covers? Check this out!