THE BLOG
10/11/2013 12:35 pm ET Updated Dec 11, 2013

'Marriage Doesn't Solve Your Problems; If Anything, It Makes Them Worse'

The comment "marriage doesn't solve your problems; if anything it makes them worse," is true. Perhaps, we can't be alone. Many of us settle, because a little something, something... is better than a little nothing.

In the beginning, do we consider the future? Meaning, when we're dating someone, are we paying attention to if they're growing or how we grow? In the end, we may stay even if we've outgrown 'em, because we're afraid to make a mistake or be alone.

We don't believe there's actually others who would want us.

Letting go of what we've heavily invested in or what we can control by manipulation of our actions is difficult, because it's our comfort level. We may be unhappy, but it's the unhappiness we know.

We're afraid, so we create excuses as to why leaving right now is a bad idea. For many, it's because they don't really feel they deserve happiness.

Our pain and agony in relationships stems from our sense of lack; we don't believe we actually deserve something without the type of pain we've been accustomed to since childhood.

Freedom and feeling good are talked about but remain an impossible dream. How do we get locked into being stuck? How do we not see our options for happiness?

Two different themes are written in the book when our actions and words don't match. If we listened to our gut, the voice deep inside, we would always honor ourselves. If we listen to our head, which displays 150 ways we suck or how we can fail, we're immobilized. We prefer pain to pleasure.

When we think we're unworthy it makes a difference on how hard we work reforming potential mates. If we have a half-full glass and meet someone who has a half-empty glass, we're in heaven! We can work our asses off! We focus on them and their inability to be a half full kinda person. We agree to the misery of working so hard to have happiness, that we don't experience it... instead, we constantly have to tell ourselves we're not really angry.

We're angry when we settle -- we think it's the other person not growing, but it's really we're mad at ourselves. We feel trapped by our circumstances and it's just our mind, which has imprisoned us to stay in this state of hell. We have the key; we choose to hide it in a great place, so we can't find it!

In continuing to say yes to less, we can't attract more.

We don't want to have more, we just want to dream about it. What would we do if really great came along? We'd say no. It's uncomfortable. We prefer to find others who can commiserate or perhaps, another person in an unhappy relationship who we can become lovers with or get some validation. Like attracts like.

If we understand our value and start believing we can have what others do, we're more willing to go out on the limb. When we stay afraid to make a move, to say our truth, act on our authenticity and to speak change into existence, we're holding everyone back.

If we're settling, guess what? So, is our mate -- they live in a state of fear, afraid of the unknown too. In fear, it's saying every negative criticism we've ever heard is true, we're failures. The past is creating the future in these relationships. We're afraid to let go of the pain we know, we're not done suffering. We may even think we have control over how others think or feel, therefore we'll stay stuck even longer... just to prove we're good and not bad.

If our partner doesn't want to grow, why would they want a partner always haranguing them on their shortcomings? If we feel like our partner is an anchor, why can't we drop it?

When we haven't looked inside to see why we choose painful relationships and stay reacting without awareness, we may as well put the nails in the coffin. As freakin' scary as it is to admit to ourselves that we're settling, it's 20 times harder to actually remove ourselves from it!

We can stop the painful payment plan now. Gaining clarity on what drives us toward these type of relationships will launch us toward freedom. Once we decide to speak our truth and follow it up with action, we'll feel a confidence that we didn't know existed for us.

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