THE BLOG

Take the Difficulty Out of Your Relationships

01/03/2014 12:57 pm ET | Updated Mar 05, 2014

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Most of us want to be in a functioning relationship.

It takes more than hope or thinking Prince or Princess Charming will rescue us. It takes some work. Getting clear on exactly what that work is may be the most important part of clarity needed to have what we want.

Relationships are known to be some sort of work, but "why oh why" do we insist on forcing what is difficult or rough, with pretty much no chance of change happening into becoming our personal quest for validation?

We support the difficult by being inauthentic. Meaning, we do what we do, to try and get the outcome we want, even when the person in front of us has shown us over and over that they will not make it easy.

We look to magazine articles, friends, therapists, psychics or whomever hoping they will share with us their little instruction book on how to win someone over or tell us the appropriate way to speak, act, look, and so on, in hopes that the person in front of us who has been saying "no", will say "yes."

Why do we sign up for such difficulty? It's what we know.

We purposely choose this challenge, not realizing we always have a choice. We're not victims, remember we "chose" this situation.

Clearly, we can't expect a partner or potential mate to go along with our every desire, but when we feel a constant sense of rejection and pain over what we want... it's a sign.

It's a sign to look within and see what our real need is, most often it comes from an old belief related to a statement such as, "I'm not good enough or worthy of love, so therefore I will continue to suck it up and wait for the day this person gets a clue." We're waiting for something to change that has a high improbability of changing unless we exert some sort of force, threat or complaint.

We also choose difficult, because deep down inside we know there is no chance of intimacy. All we're doing is investing in suffering, and keeping love at arm's length. We believe we deserve this rather than a more synergistic match.

Sometimes it remains a stalemate. The other person more than likely has similar beliefs to our own. A lot of people believe relationships are inherently difficult, so they go about setting up all sorts of roadblocks to ease. And some of us are so convinced it's the other person! We think we can show this person the right way to be in a relationship, perhaps by teaching them, shaming them, forcing issues or playing games... and all we end up with is more rejection.

In the process of working on our mate, we create distance, so we don't have to look inside. We keep things difficult, so the focus is always outside of us. We think our natural inclination is to look to the other person as the problem, but that is our training, a belief and a pattern we developed somewhere along the way.

If we learned it, then it can be unlearned.

Focus on the simple not the difficult, focus on love in its most natural state. This isn't about solving a problem with a solution, it isn't up to us to figure it out and fix it. Shifting our focus on what we want versus what we don't makes room for the "how" to work itself out.

What to do?

1. Listen to the voice inside when you feel anxious or confused. It's always there and it'll tell you what you believe about yourself and relationships. It will show you the lack. Once you're aware then you can take action to give the love to yourself.
2. Decide that you're valuable enough to have easy. There are people out there who aren't standing in the way of love. They don't reject you or create distance, so once you stop craving difficult and making yourself feel bad, trust this can happen for you. Through loving yourself, you'll find you attract these people.
3. Feed your soul rather than putting energy into force and pulling the other person along. If you let go of dragging them to you, having your way and instead spend time doing what makes you happy, I promise you'll feel a positive difference.
4. Stop strategizing. When you see a possible outcome ahead, because you can predict the future, don't strategize. Again, don't worry about the "how" and the "what if," because it's all beyond your control in getting the result you want... especially with an uncooperative person involved. Envision ease in your relationships; notice the difference in how you feel. Keep that vision in front of you.
5. When you start to manipulate or ruminate about the state of your relationship, shift your focus to the pain you're covering by judging the other person's actions. Look at the pain you feel, it's been there a long time. Where did it come from and what can you do now to change it? Now accept it and yourself right where you are!

Following these tips can give us the opportunity to change. We can then look for the simpler, kinder and happier relationships, once we become this way with ourselves.

Photo Credit: Sasquatch I