My mother and I grew up in divorced homes, and we both had stepmothers and stepfathers. This was, of course, a situation neither of us desired as children, and it caused us both to deal with a great amount of adjustment as adults. As a mother and daughter team, we interviewed more than 200 women who grew up in divorced homes as a follow up to my mother's original study, which investigated the relationship between self-esteem and parental divorce and was published in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage.
Ours was a diverse sample. Some were rich, some were poor. Some had several college degrees, and others struggled just to make it through high school. What they all had in common was a desire to avoid the pitfalls of their parents' failed marriages. Many of these women were stepmoms themselves. Our book, Love We Can Be Sure Of, which is awaiting publication, highlights their inspiring stories and sheds light on what can make a stepmom great.
I grew up with a stepmother I really didn't get along with. When I met Jason, he had a little girl, Maya. In the beginning, he thought this would be a big detractor that would cause me to not want to be with him. It ended up being the opposite. I've always told him what I loved the most about him was that he's a great dad. I think the biggest strength of our stepfamily is that Michelle (his ex) and I have great communication. We really respect one another and sometimes we talk on the phone about schedules, things going on in Maya's life and family issues. Maya knows that I really like her mom, and she's known it from the beginning. - Jill, age 34
Many women reported that growing up with a stepparent gave them greater insight into the kind of parent they wanted to become. Over half of the women we interviewed grew up with stepparents, and many of these relationships were conflicted. The daughters of divorce we spoke with wanted to gain mastery over their past. They didn't want to divorce like their parents, and when they found themselves in the role of stepmom, they desired to create a different experience.
My childhood was really tumultuous. Both my parents remarried twice -- bringing two stepmothers and two stepfathers into my life. Life was so hectic, and I knew I wanted my adulthood to be different. When I met Derek, he had two little boys, which caused us to take our relationship slowly. While I knew Derek loved me, I was also aware that if his boys and I didn't get along, our relationship would never work. Because I didn't have great relationships with my stepparents, I made it a mission to get along with his boys. It really felt like by getting along with his boys, I was healing the wounds from my past. -- Gina, age 37
Like many successful women in our study, Gina took her relationship slowly and made sure she was a good fit with Derek and his children. She allowed Derek's sons time to adapt, and did not force her way into their lives. The role of stepmom is incredibly challenging, and it's one that many women don't ask for. Smart women are aware of the potential pitfalls and embrace them head on, with the best interests of the children always in mind.
When Dave and I met, his daughter hated me. Just my presence in the room would set her off. I knew it wasn't me personally that she hated, it was the fact that her parents split and she only got to see her Dad on the weekends, and I was often included in activities. At first I was seen as an intrusion, and it took many years for us to get to a peaceful place. I think the biggest thing that helped was that I encouraged Dave to spend a lot of alone time with his daughter. I made an active effort to show her I wasn't competing for his time. -- Kelly, age 43
What do all of these stepmoms have in common? They have an innate understanding of the difficulties their stepchildren are going through. They don't have adult expectations of these children. They know the road is going to be tough, and they are patient. Jill's story, where she explained that she really respected and admired her husband's ex, is particularly inspiring. Not everyone is so lucky to have a friendly relationship with her partner's ex, but it is still worth trying. It's possible to find something positive in every person, and to let your stepchild know the good things you see in their biological parent.
Gina's story is especially poignant. Sometimes, having the experience of being a stepchild yourself will make you a better stepparent when it is your time. You can remember how you felt as a child, and it makes you better prepared. Derek evidently made it clear that his relationship with his boys was a top priority, and whatever woman he chose to spend his time with would have to fit well with his children. Some adults take the opposite tact. They choose to date whoever they want, without regard for how their children react to this new adult. Derek's sensitivity to this issue is inspiring.
Sometimes it can be hard for new stepparents to understand why their stepchildren resent them. The truth is that with divorce, a child's relationship with her parent changes, and usually it means they spend less time together. Their parent's new significant other truly is a rival for their attention. Try to put yourself in the child's shoes. How would you feel if your life was totally upended, and your parent's focus was now being divided by a new adult? Encourage your partner to spend time alone with his children. In Kelly's case, she surprised her stepdaughter with tickets for her and her dad to see "Disney on Ice" together, just the two of them. This kind gesture meant the world to her stepdaughter, and Kelly reaped the rewards.
To continue the conversation about stepfamilies and children of divorce, please visit www.movingpastdivorce.com. Tracy Clifford has partnered with her mother, Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW to interview over 200 daughters of divorce. Having experienced divorce in their own lives, they have a keen understanding of how it can affect the inner lives of children, and impact the kinds of adults they become. Their book, Love We Can Be Sure Of, is about and for women who grew up in divorced homes, as they face unique vulnerabilities related to love, trust, commitment and self-esteem. Follow them on Twitter and Facebook.
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When I met my husband 6 years ago, his marriage was already history (due to mom's cheating). That helped, as everyone knew that I was not in any way a party to their divorce. I told him early on that I didn't even want to meet his kids (6 & 8 then) until we knew that our relationship was serious.
If you marry/live with someone who has children, then you should expect that you will be a stepparent. You may even end up with all the kids living in your home. It is unrealistic and selfish to think otherwise. The role of stepchildren is incredibly challenging, and it is one that none of the children asked for. That is the part most adults seem to gloss over.
If you don't want to be a stepparent or have a deep need to have 'your own' family then do not get involved with someone with children. It really is that simple.
"If you don't want to be a stepparent or have a deep need to have 'your own' family then do not get involved with someone with children. It really is that simple."
You would think it really is that simple. But millions of women marry divorced or widowed dads totally unprepared for their new role. If the role of stepmom wasn't challenging, then there wouldn't be a need for support that millions of stepmoms and stepchildren seek.
You might have an unhelpful attitude of your own. You are the mother, but this does make it okay for you to be a butt-in-ski in your ex's life and the relationship his partner has with him and his children. An ex-wife wanting to "discuss" the way Dad's partner 'should' conduct her relationships could be galling. And why would she need to arrange "secret" meetings? Do you not allow them over at Dad's place if she is there? Are you facilitating your children's animosity toward her by inactively indulging or actively promoting it? If so, of course she does not think highly of you.
My husband's ex-wife got it into her head that he was remarrying mostly to provide her with a Mommy's helper. She would even call my husband and complain to him that I was not "adequately" participating in her household. She also made some foolish parenting choices that I was never going to continence in my home. Meeting to "discuss" how I should conduct a relationship with her son (and her) would have ended with her in outraged tears, and that would be pointless. She parents with her son's father and negotiates her household with her partner. My husband parents with her negotiates with me in our household. The boundaries are clear and no one is allowed to breach them.
I think you're presuming that I'm standing in the way of something. I'm not. All I want is for things to work for the kids and yes, she and I will have to meet on occassion should the relationship with my ex become more serious.
So I'm not 'butting in', I'm trying to be an adult and deal with the fact that this girl might be a part of all our lives for a very long time to come. As far as I'm concerned the best way to handle it is to meet, talk through how this is going to work and actually help in making it work for the kids. We'll never be best mates but we can certainly be grownups - given her age and stage in life (fresh from uni, first job, we're in our 40's) it was my intention to smooth the path, as it were. She never wants to meet me. Ever. That should work well.
I have never suggested they not meet Suggesting a meeting wasn't about how to conduct herself but to help her deal with two very angry kids who have no interest in her and actively hate her.
All I want is for things to be calm, to be smooth, to not be dramatic. I can't help how my kids feel about her-all I can do is show them how to handle things with grace and good humour.
Suggesting a meeting with her was not an act of aggression, it was an act of kindness for a young lady who apparently is in way over her head. I don't really care what happens with her but I do care if she's going to be a part of my kid's lives but treat them like they mean nothing. She doesn't seem to see that having a future with my ex means having a future with two kids very much a part of her life, and not just for movies and amusement parks but for homework, bedtimes, other parents, etc.