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Who Are the New Terrorists?

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By Trent Hauser (as told to Paul Scheer)

Greetings, I'm Special Agent Trent Hauser, NTSF:SD:SUV:: (National Terrorism Strike Force: San Diego: Sport Utility Vehicle::) Now normally I don't read HuffPost... I prefer getting my social and political news sent via American Bald Eagle from Glenn Beck's compound high atop the Colorado Rockies. (Which, btw, is the biggest and best mountain range in the entire world and if you hear anyone tell you differently they are liars with a leftist agenda.) Anyway I digress. It's summer, which means that fall is right around the corner and of course that means it's "Back to Terrorism" season. So today I'm going to give you some high-priority intel on the latest terrorists that have been invading our country at an alarming rate. These people are the new terrorists that are threatening our livelihood at every turn. If you encounter them please shoot them on sight or, if you're a coward, call your local authorities.

Fake Nerd Girls

These girls target geeks and fan boys, they seduce them with their chunky frames and pretend they like dressing up as Princess Leia when, in actuality, they are just trying to steal your collectibles and sell them on eBay.

Extra Terrestrials (Aliens)

Americans have never benefitted from products or technology created outside of the USA. That's a proven fact. What about the waffle, you ask? To which I say, "It's a pancake with holes you idiot." So, wrong! So if all foreigners are bad, why would visitors from space be any different? As far as I'm concerned, if you want to enter our country you need a passport. Until we get a customs agency on the moon we won't take any otherworldly visitors. What can they teach me that I can't learn on the Yahoo home page? When Aliens decide to make contact with humans, I'll be right there to make them make contact with my gun.

Brits

Isn't the royal baby cute? Nope! He's a Trojan horse. The Royals will inevitably bring their new monarch to our land and while we are cooing over how cute his onesie is they'll be plotting a reverse revolution. They never forgave us for destroying all that tea during the Revolutionary War and they want this country back. It started with the infiltration of Rupert Everett and before you know it we'll be just like them: well read, properly dressed and watching shorter TV seasons. That's a world I don't want to live in.

Mall Santas

Since the beginning of time, these beardos have had one mission: To make you sit on their lap and take your money. These master pickpockets have only one thing on their mind, which is to blind you with a disorienting flash (a tactic I've used successfully in multiple interrogations), steal your cash and then disappear as they live the high life on your coin for the next 11 months. Ho! Ho! Oh No You Didn't!

Nail Salon Workers

Sure, they say they can't speak English. And I bet they didn't mean to cut your cuticles when you told them to "just push back."? Or not! Here's what they are really saying when they are doing your nails: "Hey look at this dumb American/ Let's take all the chemicals we use to take the nail polish off and make a dirty bomb." "Great idea, fellow terrorist, but first let's overcharge this dummy for a French tip manicure."

Organic Farmers

They should call them Farmer Bin Ladens. "Organic Farms" is just a front to shut down government run farms. Every time you "buy organic" you are fueling a terrorist cell that hides behind dreadlocks and devil sticks. Because every time you buy organic you are hurting America's economy. When you eat American fruit you can taste the chemicals and that means it's free of disease. We can thank Monsanto for that.

So keep your eyes peeled this fall season for these terrorists and others. And if you have spotted any other potential terrorists invading your local communist-run coffee shops, let me know in the comment section.

Until next time I'll be kicking RSS and taking names.

To see more examples of these terrorists and others tune into NTSF:SD:SUV:: only on Adult Swim every Thursday night at 12:15am following "Childrens Hospital." It's one of the best 15-minute police procedural parody shows on television.