The Other Side of Obama's Father Day Speech
I welcomed Obama's Father's Day speech chastising the legions of black absentee fathers, a number, he points out, that has doubled in a generation. He's hardly alone in his criticism. Besides Bill Cosby's now famous crusade, Chris Rock back in 1996, and the late great comedian Robin Harris even earlier were busy upbraiding the cowardly black men who don't do the right thing and help raise their children. Citing the miserably low expectations we have for black men, Obama even mentioned Rock's rant in his speech (albeit cleaned up a lot). Here's what Rock said back then (courtesy of the Mother Jones blog)
"You know the worst thing about n*****s? N*****s always want credit for some s**t they supposed to do. A n*****r will brag about some s**t a normal man just does. A n*****r will say some s**t like, "I take care of my kids." You're supposed to, you dumb motherf****r! What kind of ignorant s**t is that? "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherf****r!"
Obviously I'm squarely in their camp and know that my people can do much better. But I've been hearing the other side of the story from several black dads that has made me stop and think. We've been scolding for years and it hasn't seemed to help. We haven't looked at the entire panoply of problems like undereducation and joblessness. Now I'm not making excuses for irresponsible boys who don't realize that it's raising babies, not merely making them that makes you a man. I'm just more interested in systemic solutions than blame.
The other side to this story, however, the one that is rarely reported, is the demonization of far too many dads after a family splits. I've heard from men who wanted to be involved dads but have been barred from seeing their kids by an unfeeling and decidedly anti-male family court system. Several dads have cried to me that when parents divorce the courts only want money from the father and too often impose draconian restrictions on their visiting their own children. I've heard this from black dads as well as white but I feel that black dads, since we're seen as the poster children for callous, neglectful parenting, are almost always instantly presumed guilty.
Let's support the good dads out there as zealously as we go after the deadbeats.
Crossposted on Babble.com
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A "Sankofa" is needed to understand the plight of Black men going back 40 years. The scathing 1968 "Moynihan Report " blamed the rise in crime and delinquency on single Black women heading households on welfare. The fact that Black men were discriminated in finding jobs was absent from this Report. Then, in the 80's, here comes the "the feminization of poverty" a more gentle term used for white women, the "nouveau poor." They were not demonized in the manner that Black single female-headed households were. In fact, they received widespread media attention in the Boston Globe. Returning to 1968 on the heels of the passage of the Civil Rights Act and affirmative action laws, jobs finally began to open up. At 57, my father became the first Black prop man at Universal Studios, Local 46. Today, we have prison overcrowding competing with a move for early release. A Black man returning to society needs a job in a collapsing economy and he needs to pay back welfare monies allocated to his family while incarcerated. Unfortunately, a dearth of employers willing to hire formerly-i
At the risk of using color as a metaphor for something other than race, from a distance this appears to be a black-and-white issue. I think we can all agree with Chris Rock's sentiment, if not the manner in which he expresses it, in saying that fathers should take care of their children - a blanket black-and-white statement. So too is the assertion that mothers should not manipulate their children to punish the children's father out of spite. However, while these black-and-white statements can all be agreed upon, when we get down to each individual case, it is more a matter of shades of gray. Not all men make good fathers, not all women make good mothers and not every relationship which produces children is a healthy relationship. If everyone was a good parent and only good parents in healthy relationships produced children, there would be no such thing as absentee parents. The best anyone can do in this gray world is aspire to these black-and-white ideals.
This message is for the single mothers.
I am a single mother of a 14yr girl. Since her father and I broke up 6 years ago I have received rare financial and emotional support, and the occasional moral support. But I still maintain a relationship between me, my daughter and her father.
When her father left our family for someone younger, prettier and skinnier than me, I hated him. But I grew up without a father from 5 - 14, so I recognize the value of an engaged father in a girl's life. I put away the anger (mostly, I am human after all), and managed to maintain a working relationship and shared parenting.
I never allowed him to disengage even though we live in 2 different states. When I am totally disgusted with him, I swallow my pride, and continue to make sure that he remains involved. I call him about her report cards, her behavior (good or bad), boys who like her and ones she likes. Infact tonight I called him about her 1st offiial date. I realize that it's not about me, or him. It's all about her. And she needs 2 parents to raise her even if one is absent from the home.
I know many single mothers who think they are punishing fathers by not allowing them access to their children, but the children are the ones who are adversely affected. We mothers need to stop, think, and do what's right for the children.
The problem here is so great and as many sources. One source is unprotected sex that leads to unwanted pregnancies. Since most teenage girls get pregnant by older men, this is one area that needs to be addressed. Another source is the system that required the manto leave the family for the woman to collect welfare. We're still paying for that one. Another thing is the distain for education. A lack of eduction means little job opportunities. When black children seeking education are ridiculed and are accused of "acting white" it sends the wrong message. Generation after generation is affected. My sister's baby daddy is one of any black men who refuse to do right by his son. In 12 years he has never bought the kid a birthday present, a christmas gift, calle him just to say hi, or attend his school events. Even I travel 120 miles to see my nephew in a school play. His daddy can't drive across town. My sister has tried to get this guy to "man up" to no avail. Too bad these men don't know what losers they are.
bullcrap! absentee fatherhood should be a crime on the books.i am a black man whose roots go back to africa and the cold norseland, and i am sick and tired of being embarassed by these fools. .why won;t black girls just stop having babys out of wedlock? they should keep those pop bottle legs closed.loo
i kinda agree. women, especially young girls also set low expectations for themselves by allowing irresponsible guys to sleep with them irresponsibly. and i;m talking about ALL all races.
and can you blame them? when all these magazines and music videos and TV PROGRAMS are nothing but sex sex and more sex, how to make him stay, how to make him say i love you blah de blah how to rock her world yada yada i mean wtf is flava of love? wtf is queer eye for the straight guy? really? promsicuity is being peddled as "sexual freedom"..
The problem is honesty in this debate. When these "irresponsible" black men have sexual intercourse with the black women neither usually wants children. They want sex. Sex does not have to equal children unless there is a choice to make it so....
Again, sex DOES NOT have to mean children. If you are a woman and you are having sex with a man -please protect yourself because he probably will not handle his business. He wants sex not babies! You want sex not babies! How then do the babies keep coming?
Women are not victims in this cycle of unwanted pregnancies they indeed facilitate the whole transaction. If responsibility is handled before sex starts then there will not be any blame to throw around later.
So men don't know what makes babies? They don't have a responsibility to use protection?
That's the whole point.
Once you make a baby it's longer about what you want. We have become so selfish that we are willing to throw away our future because it is not convenient to do the right thing.
It is simply immature not to realize that once you become a father - whether you meant to or not - you are responsible for the well being of a future generation. If every one who is a father would simply take care of their own think how different our society would be.
Not only do men know what makes babies but so do women.
The PROBLEM is that women bear a disproportionate amount of the burden if there is an unwanted pregnancy.
Avoiding pregnancy is not selfishness it is good common sense unless you really want them. No one is obligated to have them.
Furthermore, even if I agree with your argument that people are being selfish and that they should sacrifice for future generations, that line of reasoning is not working so why keep repeating it to deaf ears.
Women have the power to say NO. No to unwanted sex. No to unsafe sex, and NO to unplanned pregnancies. Its called the power of choice. Those who use it wisely have good lives. Those who don't use it wisely,or pretend like they don't have the final say in what happens - suffer immensely
The POINT is that trusting the men to take that responsibility is Russian Roulette. No, the women aren't the only culprits, but they ARE the ones who have to live with the results, and it's possible for their actions to diminish their chances of unwanted pregnancy by 99.some percent.
Yes, the men who leave women shouldering the burden of protection are jerks, and those who leave them raising a child alone are far worse. But if a woman isn't willing to take the responsibility for not getting pregnant when she doesn't want to, then she's going to suffer not just because of his irresponsibility, bt also because of hers.
Obviously, there are tangential issues such as men who lie about protection and women who trust them and get screwed, but that's not exactly the topic under discussion.
Why don't we ask the children of fatherless and motherless households? I too am from a single-parent household. My father walked out on me. He was never there for me. I have tried for years to come to terms with his decision to be a coward. I don't understand how someone could run from responsibility.
As I grew up, I had a chance to meet the man who is my father. He still will not claim me as his son. He is very uneasy around me; like I am begging him to be a father after all these years. He once told me that he had a choice between three children, his daughters and one child, me. I felt so low that he made such a choice. He still denies that I am his son and I am hesitant to call him a man.
With some perspective, I have come the point where I can focus on the man who is my father instead of blaming all men and specifically all black men.
As Sen.Obama stated, it is like having a hole in your heart. It still bothers me that this person walked away from me, his responsibility.
Those of us who grew up poor and black with divorced parents back in the 50s and early 60s didn't see this problem, because it didn't exist. This is a problem that society itself created in its effort to aid the poor. How? Through imposing "a condition of fatherlessness" in order to receive the aid.
The government essentially said: if we are going to take the place of the breadwinner, then eligibility for this assistance is conditioned upon there being -- "no man" -- "no husband" -- "no fathers" living in this government-assisted household.
Now, four decades after this policy began, we have inadvertantly created a government-designed poor household that can function (albeit barely) without a father in it. We never addressed what would be the outcome of this policy several years down the line. Nor what lessons were we teaching those young children whose fathers the government had dismissed into oblivion.
The young men who are now the targets of this invective never had a father in their households either. They had no model, no example, and no experience with a father in a household. They ARE NOT the ones who created their fatherless world. They ARE NOT where this problem began.
:-|
Hey Trey,
I am a single mom so I feel compelled to speak on this. I have heard this argument many times but
I think it's misguided. There's a ratio of about 9/1 of deadbeats vs guys who want to do the right thing.
That's reality. Go to any hood and stand around for about 5 minutes and ask your self what's missing. Men! Mothers are there, they may be struggling but they are there.
Even in the cases of divorce there is no real excuse for not having a relationship with your children. "The courts don't make it convenient" is a pretty weak argument. As for "the courts only want our money" - well quiet as its kept, it takes lots of money to raise children, why shouldn't men give for the support of their own. Would you rather the child go without?
Black men I love you but stop whining and do what you've got to do. If you have ever seen a child cry (as I have) because his father didn't come when he said he would, or "forgot" him at Christmas or birthdays you would realize that your absence is devastating. It doesn't really matter who did what to whom. What matters is being there. True manhood is found in the day to day actions of involved fathers.
I'm with you. That's why I try to do all I can for stepdaughter (heck, she's a daughter to me). And it is not easy -- especially now that we have gotten her out of the teen stage and into the "20s." Gonna be a bumpy ride, but much worth it. Only wish her biological father felt about her the way I do.
I am a black father/husband and I absolutely agree with you - fathers need to be there for their children - PERIOD! While almost all of my middle and upper middle and upper class friends feel this way, I am amazed at how much excuse making there is in the black community for some of these bums. My wife has a young cousin whose mother had trouble raising him after she divorced the father (lack of stability, some drug use, etc.). The father, who was married to the mother at the time the boy was born, totally rejected his young son when he moved on to another family. The 'boy' is now 27 and suffers from chronic unemployment and few skills to take care of himself. He spent his formative years moving between a couple of relatives who were not capable of handling his fragile emotional condition, largely caused by his absentee father. He learned nothing in high school, so attempts at community college have been disastrous. Family members give him a pass - he didn't seek to be with his son because of his ex-wife - I have asked them not to say that in front of me again - it is sheer idiocy. I would walk to the ends of the earth to ensure my children's safety and well-being. I can't understand how this guy looks at himself in the mirror or how he sleeps at night.
The 'boy' you describe sounds a lot like me before I decided to take responsibility for my own life and stop making excuses, for which I believe I had many. I make no excuses for my father, or men like him, but I do understand, a little, the complex dynamic that causes them to not live up to their highest paternal responsibilities. To them I say: "Father forgive them for they know not what they do..."
My heart breaks for the 'boy' you referred to and other young men and women like him who are the victims of parental neglect and abuse... my heart also breaks for their parents... and their parents...
I believe the source of the problem is not absentee fathers, it's unprotected sex, which is also illustrated by the very high rates of hiv infections in the black community. I don't think these were organized families in which the fathers just decided to up and leave, they were never families to began with. Our society has become so sexualized that it's common place for people to have sex with people that they not only have no real emotional attachment to, but with people that they don't even like and when you add unprotected sex to that mix you're going to have problems. So, in my opinion it's very unlikely that a guy is going to go back and create a relationship with someone that he doesn't even like and maybe even regrets being with and it's very sad to say, but that regret may also include the child.
I know people don't like to hear this, but I blame hip hop culture. The objectification of women ( black women particularly) has seriously effected the way men in our culture see black women. You're probably not going to care about or have much respect for black women if you commonly refer to them as bitches
and I say black women in particular because I very rarely hear black men refer to white women as bitches in hip hop.
The explosion of out of wedlock births in the black community started before hip hop began. Most hip hoppers are products of a phenomenon that began before they were born! The music isn't the cause but a reflection of trend that began in the 1960's and continued to rise until the late 1980's.
Hip Hop (a.k.a EMCing, Rap & Breakdancing) hit the scene NATIONALLY in the mid- 1980's.
When hip hop was starting to peak, the out of wedlock birth rate in the black community was already slowing down.
And of course all the bady momma's are blameless and faultless in this matter. It's almost as if they weren't even there.
I agree with you Sedum
Men cannot spread seed without consent unless there is a rape involved. It seems to me that there is a lot of collaboration between black men and a whole lot of black women across the nation.
No one is benefitting from unwanted pregnancies - certainly not the mothers,the children nor the fathers of these children. It is a lose/lose all around. When a lot of these children are born to their ill-prepared parents the doctor should whisper into the ear of the child " Welcome to Hell - your terror has JUST begun!"
I love birth control because birth control gives power and options to women who cannot afford to depend on men to help them raise children. Thank God for the pill, the diaphragm, the condom, the sponge, the IUD, the vasectomy, tubal ligation, Plan B and the list goes on....
I am a black woman born of teen parents. My father, who is currently a huge part of my life, was not with me from about 5 until I was 14. It didn't matter that my father was not there for good reasons. I felt the impact of his absence and made many of the bad choices tht I see today in many fatherless girls. I was looking for love in the wrong places because the first natural love of a young girl's life, her father, was not there for me. My parents reunited and married when I was 14 and thankfully, I was able to turn around the direction I was heading.
Unfortunately, many young girls never get that positive father experience and are constantly naively seeking replacement love from men who are similarly emotionally unavailable. Having a baby is sometimes a way to maintain a connection with these men.
As for the boys, it is hard to be be something you have never seen. Many boys grow up in families led by mothers and grandmothers. The examples of men they see are victims of the same circumstance and practice the same style of absentee-ism(?) that they then emulate.
It's become a vicious cycle that has to be stopped. I am just not sure how.
Amen Brother...
I'm with you, man.
But as a father who is raising a stepdaughter, I am not so much hung up about what someone else thinks. Brothers, we have to do better by our children. That was the whole point of the Million Man March. We were there to claim our rights and our responsibilities.
Now I understand that once I put this out there,there will be those who will only jump on the negative. Let them. If all they are seeking is to justify a certain point of view, that is on them.
I have a daughter to raise.
Look, I am not unique. I see Black fathers every day who do right by their kids. I have also seen Black men (I have seen White ones too, but that is for another day) who brag about how many babies they have made but couldn't tell you the children's birthdays. I have also seen well-to-do dads who think throw a few dollars at the child. Doesn't work like that. Those kids grow up, and they will remember who really had their backs and who did not.
I have met young gang bangers. The games they play, while deadly, are still children's games. With a dad around, they might learn the difference between a game and reality. It could save their lives.
Thank you, Bill; thank you, Chris; thank you Barack.
I with you on this one Trey:
"I'm just more interested in systemic solutions than blame...Th
When do you ever hear a tongue-lashing speech on Mother's Day to women who screw up their relationships and/or families due to the fairy-tale Pollyanna imagery that they have on life. They haven't grown up. They see their child as there very own doll and the men, the men know nothing... It's just not done. So why vilify a group of Black men on father's day who certainly don't represent all the rest of us fathers who:
--do take care of our kids,
--who who share equal raising of child because they know corporate America sees the woman as unproductive because she's on the "mommy track" ?
Just a thought, I guess the stereotype is easier than to probe the root causes.
All of what you say is true, but at the end of the day you have a child involved and your mission in life is to deal with and care for that child. I know lots of guys divorced or in difficult relationships with the mothers of their children and they wade through all of the bs and do the right thing - their children come to appreciate that and are better people because of it.
dm92
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