Xmas with the Exes

My daughter and my son, now nine and six, have lived with me since my ex-wife left five years ago, but every Christmas since, except the one when I was briefly engaged and forbidden to, we have all spent together with her family in Social Circle, Georgia.

My ex-wife reminded me soon after we separated that Christmases for her as a young girl, after her parents had split up, were forever ruined. No matter how many Growing-Up Skipper dolls she unwrapped she could never forget that her dad's only appearance that day would be by phone.

I spent my first Christmas with my now ex-in-laws when we first started dating, seventeen years ago. My parents had both passed away years before so I had no real family obligations of my own.

My ex in-laws live in a vast log cabin on its own tiny lake and that first year they put me in the room next to their daughter's, far from their own, so they had plausible deniability about my true whereabouts. Christmas Eve four years later I slipped a ring into the bottom of a champagne flute and she very nearly swallowed it till I pointed it out and she shrieked.

We were married for eight years and when we divorced we did our best to separate without rancor, each committed to shielding our children from the worst of the trauma. When she first brought up the idea of me still coming to Christmas I had no idea how I would handle it.
As I did every year I flew out a few days after them, this time cutting it close and arriving on Christmas Eve. My ex and I slipped out to the Mall of Georgia to load up on presents and the drive there was the longest we'd been alone together since she'd moved out.

When we returned home Carmen and I kissed the kids to bed and then wrapped all the presents in front of the television. She hadn't had a TV since she moved out so was wide-eyed at the new reality shows. Finally, we were done and she disappeared up the stairs to her room. I ate most of Santa's cookies and drank almost all of his milk.

I won't say it was easy, that first Christmas Eve apart, sleeping in the guest room again, surrounded by more ghosts of Christmas past than ever haunted Ebenezer Scrooge.
And yet the morning after made it all worthwhile. I immediately recognized in the eyes of my kids the purity of the joy that I knew on that day when I was their age, still untainted by the disappointments that, with time, will meet us all.

Five years later I love my Christmases with my adopted family.

Rabid, runaway reindeer couldn't keep me away.

Trey Ellis is a novelist, screenwriter, blogger and teaches at Columbia University. He's the author of the forthcoming memoir - "Bedtime Stories."

Comments

[JNo]

Great post, man.

[TedB]

Thanks, Trey. One day, in a decade or two, your kids are going to realize that they have a truly wonderful father! Merry Christmas.

[Jane]

The bonus payoff for making an effort to get along with your exes is Christmas and other holidays. My son's father comes to Thanksgiving and Christmas almost every year (he only lives a few blocks away). Other times he comes for dinner, and sometimes, when I come back from a trip, I find him and my husband watching a football game or a rock concert together. This is very reassuring for my son, who knows that all three of his parents pretty much agree on everything. My ex is a womanizer, so he gets that, too. It's always good to be on good terms with the exes, but at holidays it's GREAT!

[Libsrule]

Great post. It was difficult for me as well for years to go to gatherings that involved our son and her family. At first she didn't want me there but she realized how much it was hurting our son and eventually gave in.

It works, but it's still a little wierd. Especially with the new man around who is 17 years younger than her and 26 years younger than me. I used to tease her about hanging around the elementary schoolyard waiting to hit on her future husband.

But with grandchildren now, it still works.

[UNCLEJOE]

Christmas is a special day for remembrances. I can only respond to this lovely story by adding lyrics to a song in Dorian mode that expresses the lasting power of Christmas...

CHRISTMAS MEMOIRS
by JOE LANZA

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, CHRISTMAS WAS FOR ME;
A SWEET MYSTERY OF CRYSTAL SNOW FLAKES;
FLOATING FROM ABOVE, LIKE WET KISES OF LOVE.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, CHRISTMAS WAS FOR ME;
MOM AND DAD AND FAMILY;
GATHERED AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE.

NOW THAT I AM GROWN, WITH FAMILY OF MY OUN;
CHRISTMAS IS FOR ME;
SILENT NIGHTS AND CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.

TIME MAY PASS ME BY, MEMORIES NEVER DIE;
OF THE MERRY TIMES, OF THE CHURCH BELL CHIMES;
AND THE YULE TIDE SONGS WE SANG ALONG THE WAY.

WHEN I AM OLD AND GRAY, I'LL RECALL THIS LOVELY DAY;
OF CRYSTAL SNOW FLAKES AND CHRISTMAS CAKES;
AND YULE TIDE SONGS WE SANG ALONG THE WAY.

SWEET MEMORIES WHEN I WAS YOUNG;
WHEN I WAS GROWN WITH CHILDREN OF MY OUN;
THAT'S WHAT CHRISTMAS WILL ALWAYS BE FOR ME.

A SWEET MYSTERY, A SWEET MEMORY.

[Hollyse]

Sweet...sweet...sweet... ou sound, Mr. Trey Ellis. A most warm and loving sentiments with your glass ahlf full and not half empty. You made my day so thank you!

[Annette]

Another great article, both you and your ex are people who know how to put your children first.May both of you get what you want in life. I know your children will appreciate the love you both have for them.

[GJKBEAR]

It is truly wonderful that you 2 have managed to remember that you created these children together and that you will always share them. It is refreshing to see that people can be civil as well as putting the needs of their children before wounded egos. Much joy and peace to both of you and may you both find happiness.

[clr2]

If you are both really smart you won't get remarried until the kids are up and out. Bringing someone else into the equation would wreck what you have.

[yourstruly]

Of all the myths of Christmas, perhaps the most damaging is that anyone has a perfect family. Jesus, after all, was born to an unwed mother, and although the New Testament uses this to make the point that Mary was a virgin impregnated by God, I'm not buying it. My take is that Jesus could only have been the man he was if he was born like the rest of humankind.

Unlike your ex-wife and so many children of divorce, your kids have a father in their daily lives, and the real Christmas miracle here is that you are able to set aside your disappointment to bring them pleasure, comfort and joy. I can't imagine you'll regret it.

[Brine]

Very Nice. Thank You.
Merry Xmas.

[JudyMillerDubyaAgent]

A wonderfully tender essay. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

[christinev]

Great story and good on ya both (can you tell I live in NZ?) for keeping your priorities straight enough to put the kids first.

[neworleanslady68]

Oh, Mr. Ellis, this is truly lovely. Thank you so much for this. This essay is a gift I was truly needing, delivered by a stranger.

When I was eight and my parents divorced, my world was torn in half. There was domestic violence involved, so I know it was for the best, but these things are difficult for children.

I've been married for 22 years, and between Katrina stress and some other things, I have really been struggling with whether to leave this marriage. I have a real horror of divorce, no doubt residual scars from the way my parents did it. It feels like failure to me, and I'm so frightened of damaging my child. Furthermore, we have been married since we were eighteen, which means we share our entire adult lifetimes of memories and extended families and holidays together. For now, I'm trying to hold on for another five years until my daughter is grown, but I worry that maybe the stress of my staying in the marriage could be hurting her too (good old parental guilt!).

Anyway, how delightful it is to hear from a parent who has been able to put his children first, no matter what. You are a model for your children - and for me.

Thank you for the gift of your essay and your example!

[Kalima]

Mr Ellis,you seem to be doing well for your children.
Holidays are always hard for me too but for different
reasons.We are seperated by more than 9000 miles
but thanks to computer video phones,it's not as hard
as it was a year ago.Keep up the good work.
Merry Christmas and a happy,healthy new year,filled
with many new memories for you and your children.
Thanks for your Blogs!

[equipoise]

As always, a great post. You never disappoint. May the joy of the season be with you and yours.

[Kansas Evans]

very nice, Trey, very nice