04/16/2013 02:56 pm ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016

Sometimes a Butch Needs to Zip It: 12 Things You Should Never Say to Your Femme Girlfriend


Butch's note: My writing is always tongue-in-cheek. Broad stereotypes are stupid and worthless in trying to judge someone or determine how one should actually act. However, they are fun to play with. If you want to read more about how I like to play with stereotypes, head over to my blog. If you want to read about my advice to butches to keep them from saying stupid stuff, keep reading.

Not all butches are in butch-femme relationships, of course, but those of us who are must be aware of our role. We are the strong ones, the helpful, gallant ones. We reach things on the top shelf. We are obedient and faithful. As such, there are several things that should not escape our lips when we are addressing our femme. Remember, not everything needs to be said out loud. Sometimes we need to zip it.

"Baby, wow, you really need to do your roots." Really? You may as well tell her that she looks like crap. She is beautiful all the time. You should not point out any flaw, but if you do, you had better do it in a nice and easy kind of way. Femmes like us to think that they are magically stunning all the time. Calling out her roots is a reminder that things are done behind the scenes to pretty her up, and then you've got her worrying that her hair looks horrible.

"I'm too tired to take out the trash [or do whatever she asks]." This won't go well. Butches take out the trash, change the lightbulb and pick up our stuff. Whatever she asks you to do, you do it. Can she do all of that herself? Of course she can. Then why are you doing it? Because she's pretty, and she smells good, and she wants you to do it.

"Your lipstick is gone. Shouldn't you reapply?" You just told her that she needs lipstick to look good. If her lipstick wears off, leave it. She looks just fine without any on. Plus, she probably knows that she needs to reapply and just hasn't gotten to it yet. Keep your mouth closed if you want to keep those kisses coming.

"You are just like your mother," or, "Your mother is right." No one likes to hear that they are like their mother, especially when it's used in a negative way. Her mother, and your mother too, are probably right, but you cannot use her mother against her. (Hi, Mom!)

"Are you ready yet?" No, she isn't, and you need to wait. Have a beer, do some dishes, clean the fireplace, hit something with a hammer. Whatever. She isn't ready yet because she is beautifying herself for your benefit. Better to wait it out patiently.

"Wow, that woman is hot," or, "Your friend is pretty." I'm sure I don't have to explain this to butches in a relationship. If you aren't in a relationship, perhaps this is why. Don't say anyone else is hot, unless maybe you are talking about Jessica Alba or J-Lo, because your girl thinks they're hot too. If you compliment her friend, all she can think about is that you think her friend is hotter than she is. Unless you're talking about an unobtainable movie star, keep your comments and your eyes to yourself.

"I don't want to go downstairs and check out that sound you just heard. Just take the bat with you." Butch up, now. You can be scared. You don't have to like that you have to get out of bed and go downstairs in the middle of the night because your girl thinks she heard something. But you know what? Do it anyway. If you are really scared, it's OK to have her come with you -- behind you, of course.

"Can you get me a beer?" Is it wonderful when your girl brings you a beer? Absolutely. Can she do that for you? Certainly. Just make sure she offers. You are not a Neanderthal.

"Can you kill that spider for me?" You are the butch. You are the spider killer. No one likes to kill spiders, snakes or any other creepy crawlies, but you are the butch, so this is your job. Plus, you get to look tough, an opportunity that should never be ignored.

"Dude..." Femmes do not like to be referred to as "Dude" or "Man" or "Brah" or any other tough term that butches might use with dudes or other butches. I said this recently, and the lightning-fast reply was, "Don't call me 'Dude.' Ever." Message received. This is not necessarily true for femme friends, but you should check.

"Oh, OK, if everything is 'fine,' then great." Butches, when a woman says that everything is "fine," nothing is "fine." Bear down, because you probably have a long conversation ahead of you. Best to gently push and ask what she is thinking. Do not go grab a beer with a friend.

"My ex made killer chicken." This is a mistake. If you say something like this, you don't know women. I never do this (holy crap, I know better), but I know some women who have to put up with it. As a butch, you think it's just about chicken, and to you it probably is. But your girl will take this as an insult to the chicken she cooked for you and will assume that you just told her that your ex is across-the-board superior to her. You are likely to end up with her undoubtedly delicious chicken in your lap and, if you're lucky enough that she cooks chicken for you ever again, a reminder each time that you said something so stupid. Bottom line: She doesn't want to hear about your ex unless it's about how fat or whatever she is, so zip it -- tightly.

It's butch to zip it. Be butch.