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Tyler Moss
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Tyler Moss is a freelance writer and communications professional based in Cincinnati, Ohio.

In 2011 he earned his graduate degree from the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University, and holds a BA in English from the University of Portland in Oregon. His most recent work has been featured on Salon.com. He is a Pacific Northwest native with a passion for homebrewing, improv comedy and international cuisine.

Entries by Tyler Moss

The Nine-Year Proposal

(2) Comments | Posted August 26, 2014 | 10:38 AM

We've been a couple since we were kids.

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Since high school, where we first connected through late-night AIM arguments about the musical merits of Taking Back Sunday and who wrote a better English essay about The House on Mango Street. On our first...

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First Person Account of 1938 Martian Invasion

(0) Comments | Posted October 29, 2013 | 2:46 PM

It's a quiet night in the small central-Illinois city of Jacksonville on October 30, 1938. Lou Lemmons, a 19-year-old-waitress at Winston's Cafe, is pouring coffee and chatting with patrons. Lou's manager, stationed in an office by the kitchen, has just tuned the radio into the music of Ramón Raquello and his orchestra out of the Meridian Room...

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5 Fast Facts from American Horror Story: Coven's 'Bitchcraft'

(0) Comments | Posted October 11, 2013 | 2:38 PM

So kicks off the Season of the Witch with Wednesday night's premier of American Horror Story: Coven, aptly christened 'Bitchcraft.' Within the first sixty minutes, Ryan Murphy and company have already subjected us to date rape, drug use, death sex, racism, sadism and genocide at break-neck pace. Whether the writers...

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American Horror Story: Coven Preview

(1) Comments | Posted October 6, 2013 | 10:28 PM

Something wicked Wednesday comes.

It's the season three premier of Ryan Murphy's FX hit show-or miniseries, if you believe the Emmy's-American Horror Story (10pm Eastern/9pm Central). Season one we explored Tinseltown lore in a haunted Hollywood mansion, and last season we were treated to the TV equivalent of electroshock therapy...

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6 Gross Things My Dog Ate

(7) Comments | Posted August 10, 2013 | 3:28 PM

This is Barley.

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She's a 3-year-old Beagle/Jack Russell Terrier mix that we rescued from a shelter last year.

She loves to dance,

snuggle,

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and eat.

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And when I say eat, I don't mean eat like a normal dog. When anything edible appears, she turns into a ravenous demon creature with a less-than-refined palate. The veterinarian attributes her undiscriminating appetite to natural rescue-dog scavenging instincts, but regardless of reason, her edible adventures have been quite a crash-course in the responsibilities of pet owning.

Here are six of the strangest things she has gorged upon, as well as their gastrointestinal aftermath.

1. Makeup Brushes
One evening I found my girlfriend's cup of makeup brushes scattered across the rug. The handles themselves were unscathed, but the head of each brush had been delicately decapitated. I read that makeup brushes are made of natural animal hair. So in a strange cycle, our domesticated doggie became predator when she scarfed up that bronzer-flavored squirrel fur. Barley's digestive system seemed to hold up handily, with the only real consequence of the incident being the six hours of misery I spent at Sephora later that week as my girlfriend picked out new brushes.

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2. Nachos
What's unusual here is not that she ate nachos, but the sheer quantity Barley forced into her 19-pound frame. A steaming pile of nacho goodness was left unprotected on the dining room table. In a three-minute span, she jumped onto the table and devoured every last jalapeno seed and cilantro sprig. In humans we call it having a "food baby," so I guess for a dog, you'd say Barley had a food litter (see before and after photos below). Jalapenos are harmful to dogs, so the vet just warned us to keep an eye out for "explosive diarrhea." Yep.

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3. A Bird
While leaving the house last fall, my girlfriend was locking the door and turned around to find a bird in Barley's mouth. We hypothesize that the unsuspecting little creature had been sheltering itself from the rain beneath a nearby bag of soil, and Barley snatched it up without hesitation. Not knowing what to do next, Barley was clearly in over her head as the squirming bird's wings slapped her in the face. Alarmed, my girlfriend smacked her on the nose and Barley dropped the flailing fowl, which then hobbled away. The next day I found a dead bird on the side of the house near our garbage can. We like to pretend that it's unrelated. 

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4. Ant Trap
To combat an abundant ant problem, we littered our bathroom floor with ant traps. After weeks of leaving them undisturbed, Barley decided she would sneak upstairs, rip one open and taste the bait. I made [another] emergency call to the vet and in a panic, explained how my dog had just lapped up some poison. Clearly tired of our calls, the vet sighed and explained that not all ant traps are toxic so she'd probably be fine. Not trusting her apparent apathy, I watched Barley carefully for the next few hours but saw no sign of symptoms. All I can say definitively is that this canine's colon will remain ant-free for the time being.

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5. Fish Oil
To keep Barley's fur soft and shiny, we feed her a daily fish oil capsule. Before heading out one night, I opened a new 180-capsule bottle of fish oil and mixed one pill into her food. The bottle itself I left on the table with the screw top twisted tightly shut. At 1am we returned home to find a scene akin to the aftermath of a frat party. The bottle had been wrenched open, all 179 remaining capsules consumed and subsequently vomited upon every ever surface in the house (see example below). Rugs, couch cushions, beds and blankets all reeked of fish for the following few months. We tried every type of odor spray to neutralize the smell, but nothing worked. Finally, my girlfriend, an engineer who works on feminine hygiene products, went to the Odor Department at her office (don't think too hard about this) and asked them for a recommendation. Their suggestion: an industrial cleaner called Hollister m9--an odor eliminator used by hospitals to cleanse colostomy bags. The result: Our house no longer stunk like a fish market, but was instead permeated by a gentle eau de nursing home.

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6. Used Tampon
The crown jewel of Barley's culinary exploits. While we were on vacation, she stayed with some close friends. As it happened, it was that time of the month for the house female. Deciding it may be fun to explore the bathroom trashcan, Barley stumbled across what our friend described on the phone as a "very large, very used" tampon. They rushed to the emergency vet at 9pm on a Saturday night. 3,000 miles away inside of a classy wine bar, we requested regular reports via text message as the veterinarian induced vomiting. Four hours and $200 later she had barfed up her Tampax treat. The vet determined she had thrown up everything but the string. Yeah...it was someone's job to assess that.

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Despite her diabolical dietary choices, I wouldn't trade my dog for the world. Now we just take preliminary cautions by quarantining all hazardous consumables in baby-locked cupboards. Maybe one day her appetite will evolve, but until then we'll just keep a special monthly fund for emergency veterinary...

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6 Most Likely TV Reboots

(5) Comments | Posted May 30, 2013 | 4:17 PM

The recent relaunch of Arrested Development on Netflix is simply the latest iteration of today's core maxim of television: What is old can be new again with the right audience. We've already suffered through rehashes of 90210 and Melrose Place. Next year, the Corey and Topanga saga of Boy Meets...

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10 House of Cards Ripoffs

(9) Comments | Posted February 17, 2013 | 6:10 PM

Captained by David Fincher, and anchored by Kevin Spacey as morally ambiguous politician Frank Underwood, the maiden voyage of Netflix's streaming-only political thriller House of Cards has safely sailed into port as perhaps the most dynamic new series we've seen in the past year. Traditional television networks, terrified that they...

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No Budget for the Holocaust

(9) Comments | Posted February 6, 2013 | 11:27 AM

My favorite class from high school is being cut.

There are few courses that I remember fondly. Whether disillusioned geriatric teachers or bland curriculums revolving around standardized testing goals are to blame is up for debate. But I was devastated to see the following message posted on Facebook the...

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Why I Drove Two Ex-Cons to the Polls on Election Day

(6) Comments | Posted November 13, 2012 | 4:59 PM

While most might remember November 6, 2012 as the day Barack Obama won his reelection, I will always think of it as the day I drove two ex-convicts to the polls.

Prior to Election Day, my participation in the the Obama campaign was nearly non-existent. Aside from a FORWARD magnet...

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Liam Neeson vs. Liam Neeson: Who Would Win?

(10) Comments | Posted October 1, 2012 | 1:18 PM

Liam Neeson has a very particular set of skills. Skills he has acquired over a long career. Skills that make him a box office titan, and quite possibly the defining action hero of the past decade. To dip into his dossier is to browse the badass hall of fame, with...

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'Fifty Shades of Grey': Why Women Can Keep It

(29) Comments | Posted August 2, 2012 | 6:36 PM

I'm no prude, as my browser history can attest, but the best-selling pop-erotica novel Fifty Shades of Grey has seared a scarlet letter into my brain. 

Up until a few month ago, I was only vaguely aware of the book's popularity, pegging it as a passing fad. Then I learned that...

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Why Hating Lebron James Is Good for Basketball

(36) Comments | Posted June 21, 2012 | 3:45 PM

A hurricane hovers over the 2012 NBA Finals as Heat and Thunder converge. And in the eye of the storm stands a solitary figure: Lebron James.

Call him Benedict Arnold for the way he plunged a bayonet into the back of the Cleveland Cavaliers when he signed with Miami...

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The 5 Most Annoying Kids on TV

(59) Comments | Posted May 17, 2012 | 12:49 PM

"Children should never be seen nor heard from -- ever again." - W.C. Fields

Last week, an article was published on Salon.com proclaiming now to be "Child acting's new golden age," citing the surge of kid characters in popular movies and TV shows. But the writer is confusing...

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Mitt Romney and Five Other Robots Who Could Be President

(34) Comments | Posted April 19, 2012 | 1:16 PM

With Rick Santorum finally vacating the examination table, we can now turn the stethoscope to Mitt Romney. And who can say for sure, if you listen carefully, that the soft hum tickling your eardrums isn't the whirring of a thousand cogs and gears inside the challenger's chest?

...

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Bullying Hurts, No Matter How Small

(2) Comments | Posted March 27, 2012 | 1:15 PM

Whether it was stealing stray Oreos from the pantry or sneaking spoonfuls of JIF in the bathroom, my childhood sweet tooth was insatiable.

I remember one specific photo -- a picture taken cerca 1998 at a family reunion in Newport, Oregon. In the center my great-grandparents sit...

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Why Generation Y Can't Grow Up: A Recession Tale

(30) Comments | Posted March 16, 2012 | 2:49 PM

Peter Pan was the boy who wouldn't grow up. We are the generation that can't.

The Great Recession took adulthood off the table for Millenials, as the post-college timeline is no longer predicated by age. Not that we are the first to live through economic instability, but...

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