11/06/2012 10:30 am ET Updated Jan 06, 2013

Itinerary for President Romney's No Apology Tour 2013

When Mitt Romney becomes president, one of the first things he'll do is travel the world to reassure global citizens of America's greatness. He will meet with diplomats and world leaders, working tirelessly to reignite the old flames of freedom and democracy. He will reach out to the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and he will remind them that America doesn't owe them shit.

Stuff your sorries in a sack, Mr. Obama. This is America, and we don't apologize for nothing. Sean Hannity said it best: "America is the greatest, best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth!" And with such a game-clinching endorsement from God, it's clear that America is categorically and philosophically beyond reproach -- a divine fact that seems to have been lost on our Apologist in Chief. Clearly, we need a president who can put these so-called "countries" in their place, a man of faith, a man who will shake your hand, look you in the eye and say, "dibs."

It is for this reason that a President Romney would make it his top priority to give the world a proverbial wet willy while also demanding an apology and telling it to stop hitting itself...

Central America: On the first leg of the journey, President Romney will sternly remind the people of Nicaragua, Panama, and Honduras that bananas aren't cheap. If it weren't for the forceful occupation of their homeland prior to the Great Depression, the United Fruit Company might never have evolved into Chiquita Banana, in which case bananas might cost more and everyone would eat plantains. Which is gross. And un-American.

Fuck you! No apologies.

Santiago, Chile: President Romney will kindly request that all Chileans stop bitching about that CIA-backed coup in September of 1973. The 17-year dictatorship that resulted may have been rife with murder, political intimidation, and human rights violations, but it successfully staved off universal healthcare, did it not? Oh, and by the way, America's September 11 is more important than Chile's, so if we could get those ownership rights it'd be great.

Fuck you! No apologies.

Cairo, Egypt: Turning to the Middle East, President Romney will cordially remind the people of Egypt that it was the United States who supplied their military with ammunition, tear gas, and riot gear to crack down on democratic protesters during the 2011 uprising. And as any God-fearing Republican knows, nothing screams freedom like a robust military budget. Just ask Joseph Smith and the Nauvoo Legion: What's the best way to establish a semi-autonomous theodemocracy in the heart of a country that hates you? Guns!

Fuck you! No apologies.

Baghdad, Iraq: Travelling northeast to Iraq, President Romney will take great delight in sampling the hummus and pine nuts. He will, of course, scold the locals for making him wear one of those uncomfortable flak jackets. But he will also remind the Iraqi people of the common thread that makes them such a proud nation: "Tabbouleh is delicious," the president will say. "Especially with a touch of mint. You have to be light with the olive oil, though. Too much can drown out the brightness of the parsley. Ann actually make's this great recipe where she -- oh man, she's so wild that one -- where she actually uses fig! Isn't that just the wildest thing you've ever heard of? Fig! In a tabbouleh salad! We're so wild, us Romneys!"

Fuck you! No apologies.

Europe: Travelling north to Europe, President Romney will spend several days reminding the people of Dresden, Germany, that national socialism doesn't work. "I know from experience," the 45th president will say. "You see, my election last November marked the end of four years of socialism in the United States. And what a brutal four years it was: Capped investments, mandatory healthcare insurance, taxpayer bailouts, the threat of a higher capital gains tax -- just imagine the tyranny!... I'll be signing books in the lobby after lunch. You can thank me then."

Fuck you! No apologies.

Asia: Toward the end of the journey, president Romney will remind the people of China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Korea, and the Philippines that if it weren't for America's meddling in their affairs throughout the 20th century, communism might still exist in Asia. After a sufficient show of appreciation, President Romney will travel to Hiroshima, Japan, to bask in the praise of true capitalists.

Fuck you! No apologies.

Cayman Islands: On the final stop, President Romney will offer a brief apology for America's overly tough stance on narcotics trafficking in the 1980s. He will then promise additional financial cooperation between the British territory and the United States. This event will be closed to the media.

Fuck you! One apology.

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