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Una LaMarche

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Pregnant in Heels Ep. 2: Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Sex But Weren't Afraid to Ask

Posted: 04/16/2011 10:57 pm

This week's nonsense begins with LT -- he of the missing vowels and fashion comb-over -- asking Rosie if he can leave work early to prepare for a performance with his band, the Kiki Twins. He demonstrates their act, which involves a lot of vogueing. "We're very kiki," LT proclaims. Apparently "kiki," like "smurfy," is a malleable adjective, and can mean anything you want it to. I'm going to assume LT is using "kiki" in this particular instance as a stand-in for "narcissistic," or maybe "unspeakably terrible."

Time out. Can we talk about how ridiculous it is that every time Rosie visits a new couple, her assistant Hannah calls her on speakerphone and announces who they are and what they want? I know it's just for the camera, but it makes Rosie look like the most irresponsible maternity concierge ever (and... there have been lots, I guess?), not even bothering to find out anything about her clients until she's five blocks away. Could be a naked horseback photo shoot, could be a bris. Who cares? The surprise is what makes it fun.

Anyway, Rosie's first client this week is Tanya, a workaholic, borderline crazy-eyed mother of a toddler who wants Rosie to A) find her a sassy gay assistant to plan a huge pre-baby bash and B) make her look "camera-ready" right after she gives birth. Because when she had her daughter, she was not pleased with the under-eye bags that stole focus from her firstborn child.

2011-04-17-PIH21.png

(She looks pretty good to me, but then again I don't have thousands of dollars to spend hiring a person with a made-up job and a possible speech impediment to help me find a good concealer.)

Tanya and Rosie interview potential assistants, all of whom seem to have come from the American Idol reject bin. My personal favorite was the male Jasmine Guy impersonator...

2011-04-17-PIH22.png

...But in the end they went with Dan, who looks kind of like the Skipper version of Brad from The Rachel Zoe Project. He manages to pull off the big party, but fails to find entertainment, so guess who steps in to save the day? The Kiki Twins. Their act is like a very gay Jem and the Holograms crossed with Romy & Michele and directed by a drunk Bob Fosse.

A few weeks later, Tanya gives birth to her son, and Rosie brings a hair and makeup team to the hospital. It's all very kiki, by which I mean "indulgent and unnecessary."

Next! The second couple is Ali and Adam, both young and arguably attractive, who call Rosie because... Ali isn't interested in sex. Wait, doesn't this woman design maternity clothes for a living? How is this even remotely within her area of expertise? Anyway. Rosie chooses to handle this challenge by showing Ali baby diapers full of (hopefully fake) poop and making her identify what might be wrong with the baby based on its consistency. Because there's no aphrodisiac like an infant's bloody stool, right?

Adam is so blue-balled that he basically gropes his wife any chance he gets. Even his face has a visible boner. But Ali feels fat and ungainly, etc., and thinks Adam's giant penis will crush the baby's skull, so Rosie takes them to a sex therapist who suggests that Ali experiment with a variety of dildos and asks Adam point blank how much he masturbates. This is their cue to act totally shocked and appalled despite the fact that they agreed to appear on-camera to discuss their sex problems. No matter. Rosie makes Adam put on a 40 lb. pregnancy suit while playing golf, and then takes Ali to buy a maternity kimono, and somehow this ends up fixing everything. Coitus is achieved! After Ali has her baby girl a few days later, Rosie asserts that thanks to her help, Ali "will be knocked up in no time."

So, let's review:

Diapers filled with imitation shit: $12
Bribing a real sex therapist to appear on your Bravo show: $2,000
Three dildos of varying sizes: $150
Round of golf in a fat suit: $30
Irish twins: Priceless

Next time: A scary pregnant munchkin bride who yells at everyone! It's like a preview of the sixteenth season of Jersey Shore, when Snooki, gestating a "gorilla juicehead" fetus, gives herself an epidural and goes dress shopping.

 

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