Previously on: A movie genre costume challenge gave Epperson some much-needed bravado, Nic an undeserved win, and Louise a shocking stay of execution. Ra'mon packed up his Kanye glasses and one-liners and walked out of my life forever. Sob.
So, brief aside before we do this thing: Since my recap last week I've been doing some research on the magical Internet, and I found so many goodies to share with you. First off, dearly departed Ra'mon-Lawrence is on Twitter and Facebook. Let's stalk him, shall we? Carol Hannah also has an adorable blog which is very educational. Apparently she went to the Emmys this year and helped our Logan and Epperson with a joint show that they did recently in Soho. I am sorry I called you PigPen, CH. Let's be BFFs. Logan, by the way, is looking increasingly like Vincent D'Onofrio in Adventures in Babysitting, and that is unequivocally a good thing.
Logan also has a blog, by the way. IT IS ARTSY AND HE WRITES IN ALL CAPS. I now understand why I thought he would be such a d-bag. He gives off that vibe, but actually, he's growing on me. (I'm absolutely helpless in the face of all that shiny hair.) I follow him on Twitter. After last week's episode, he Tweeted "Ok. Epperson should have won that challenge in my opinion." WORD.
DISCLAIMER: I wrote the above paragraph before I watched the show and then, an hour before it started, got a migraine. I powered through, but forgive me if my recollections were clouded by the strobe lights in my left eye.
Anyway, it's morning in Project Runway land, and Gordana notes how weird it is not to have Ra'mon there. Then she says something about Olympic athletes and that coupled with her accent makes me think of Triumph of the Will. Louise snoozily interviews that she wants to avoid another snoozefest, but she can't help it; it's like there are cartoon ZZZZZZs surrounding her head at all times.
Over in the boys' room, Logan--now roommate-less--moves in with Chris, Nic and Epperson. "I don't really know their normal procedures in the morning," Logan drawls. I hope, for all our sakes, that their morning routine involves a wake-up warm-up dance to "All the Single Ladies." Logan then says "I take long showers," and seriously, is he just fucking with us now? Nothing's worse than a hot guy who knows he's hot. "I'm a cuddler!" Nic chimes in. Shudder. Even though I bet his skin is really soft. He looks like he moisturizes.
The boys note that there are only four of them left. Nic says "We gotta get rid of some of the girls!" and follows this up with, "Shirin, you're OUT!" Uh-oh. Is he starting to grow on me?
On the runway, Heidi coyly tells the designers that their next challenge "will be quite colorful." This makes Shirin think of big, colorful parachutes, and I wonder if maybe we had the same elementary school gym activities (seriously, what was the point of the giant parachutes? Anyone?). In fact, sadly, the challenge is much, much more lame than making Hammer pants from hot air balloons or re-appropriating old Cross Colours jackets. Tim is waiting in the workroom with a corporate exec from Macy's who tells them that they are to create outfits entirely in blue for I.N.C., a line that is, I guess, exclusive to Macy's. They'll be split up into teams of two ad must create two garments that both fit the I.N.C. aesthetic and relate to one another. I get that PR has to show love to its sponsors, but yawn. This is even worse than the cocktail dress challenge from last season. The one exciting thing (for the designers, not the viewers) is that the winner will create a dress for Macy's that will be sold in select stores (read: Wyoming only) and online.
Upon hearing that the challenge will be in teams, Carol Hannah says "Wah, wah, wah," in a spot-on impression of the teacher from Peanuts. Man, I totally misjudged her Peanuts character. There should be a Facebook quiz for that.
Everyone must pitch their sketches to the Macy's lady, who will then choose 5 team leaders. Most of their ideas are fairly similar in that they will be day-to-night looks that'll be, obviously, "sophisticated." The Macy's exec seems thrilled at every single idea, even Louise's rosette appliques (seriously, Louise??? Seriously?), and chooses Irina, Althea, Carol Hannah, Chris, and Louise to head up teams.
Althea chooses Logan based, presumably, on pheromones; Chris selects Epperson to complete the cutest team ever; Louise picks Nic, which is--coincidentally?--exactly the moment my migraine became full-blown; and Irina chooses Gordana, which means that Shirin is picked last by Carol Hannah. Tim tells the teams that there will be no immunity for the challenge winner since the prize is so great.
It's like a scene from Supermarket Sweeps over at Mood as everyone races to grab the least-offensive blue fabrics they can find. Louise temporarily loses her money, and every single stupid thing she does or says now freshens the pain of Ra'mon's untimely exit.
Back in the workroom, Shirin and CH are making a high-waisted pencil skirt/blouse combo and also a dress with a leather belt. CH says she's not used to being the boss, but they seem to work well together. Irina and Gordana, on the other hand, cannot play nice. Irina seems irked by everything Gordana does and interviews that she would rather just do it herself. Apparently there is no Irina in TEAM.
In another corner, Nic and Louise are crafting two dresses, both of which involve twee little embellishments like ruffles and rosettes. Has Louise considered working for Anthropologie? Nic interviews that he hates ruffles, and I can't help but think that this is kind of hypocritical coming from the guy who won the last challenge by making a giant human snowflake. Elsewhere, Epperson and Chris are having a philosophical conversation about teamwork, God bless them, and it looks like a bromance is blossoming. Epperson should really make a book on tape, by the way. His voice is like a soft ocean breeze.
There is a little aside in which we learn that Louise makes bird noises when she's stressed. I can only assume that this is meant to serve as a death knell. An annoying, chirping death knell.
Althea says she enjoys working with Logan, and then we get a little montage demonstrating that everyone has the hots for him. To be fair, I suppose, he is the first really attractive straight man on this show (Michael Knight from Season 3 still eludes my gaydar). But come on, ladies--stop pussyfooting around! If you like it, put a ring on it.
Tim arrives to assess the damage. He starts with Team Carol Hannah ("Also known as Team Awesome!" shouts Shirin. "We'll see," mutters Tim. Ha!) He loves the skirt/top combo but is distressed by the leggings that accompany the belted tunic. Aren't we all, Tim. Aren't we all. (Just look at this and tell me your blood doesn't run cold.)
Over at Nic and Louise's aviary of doom, Tim is troubled by the giant, ice-blue ruffle squiggling around the neck of a navy dress like icing on a Hostess cupcake. He likes the modern suit that Althea and Logan are making, but then has to listen to Irina and Gordana bicker over their designs. Chris and Epperson have made a shimmery shirtdress and an odd green bubble top that Tim wisely notes do not really go together. (People, this is why we listen to Tim.)
As the clock ticks down to midnight, Carol Hannah and Shirin are stressed, and Irina interviews that Team Awesome's designs look like they belong at a discount store. Ooooh, the editors just hate Irina. Why else would they make her look like such a nasty bitch? I can't wait till she gets auf'ed.
The next morning at FIDM, everyone is finishing their garments and nothing looks quite done. Irina adds a piece of flair that looks kind of like a sparkly planarian worm to a baby blue top. Gordana is frustrated, and says that she thinks Irina could "throw her on the bus." Oh, Gordana, you are so great. Epperson is quite pleased with his shirtdress, and Christopher says that he and Epperson are a Dream Team. Louise can't finish her appliques. Wah, wah, wah.
Out on the runway, Heidi does her spiel and then introduces the judges. Michael Kors is back and orange as ever, but it's oddly anti-climactic. He's been gone for so long that I kind of expected a musical number, or at least a great entrance, like maybe rising up onstage out of a flaming trash can, or riding in on a camel. The other judges are a Marie Claire fashion editor and the Macy's executive. I know she has to be there, but having a corporate person on the panel is kind of a buzzkill, like when they let the Academy president talk at the Oscars.
Anyway, who's ready to get tangled up in blue? To get some blue balls? To follow Blue's Clues? Sigh. Yeah. This challenge is just... no.
ALTHEA & LOGAN
Their first look ("Althea's look") is a suit, which is cute. Look, I rhyme! I personally can't pull off a suit. I'm short, and they make me look like I'm a mini train conductor. This model looks pretty good, but damn that skirt is short. To be fair, though, we are in a recession and we all have our special ways of lobbying for raises.
The second look, "Logan's look," also demonstrates a "recessionista" trick--how to make a blouse out of the confidential and potentially damning documents your boss asked you to shred during the Wall Street melee. I like the idea of the pants, but in this photo they have no shape.
CAROL HANNAH & SHIRIN aka TEAM AWESOME
I love this, in spite of the fact that Bitchface looks like she's just caught a whiff of week-old egg salad she inadvertently left in a paper bag in the trunk of her car. By the way, if you want to recreate Bitchface at home (great for parties!), go to mylifetime.com:
The second look (Shirin's I believe), I love less:
I do like the tunic, which looks like comfy jersey, and even the leggings don't really offend me. It's the belt: too wide, I think. It's like a giant, gaping maw (the mental image works better if you place imaginary googly eyes on her boobs).
CHRISTOPHER & EPPERSON
I love a good shirtdress, but the fabric's sheen takes this into Forever 21 territory. It kind of looks like wrapping paper. Sorry, Epp.
I didn't think it was possible, but Christopher really screwed the pooch on this one. What is that? It's shiny and shapeless and involves both leggings and a bib. All I can think is:
Later on, during judging, this look is referred to as a "disco pumpkin." So we know it's a vegetable of some kind. It's like a Brussel Sprout from some school's Thanksgiving play wandered off and got lost, but followed the delicious scent of Michael's tanning oil to the runway. And OMG, a school play challenge would be the best! Is someone writing these ideas down?
IRINA & GORDANA
I like this dress in theory, but am I wrong that it makes Katie here look like a linebacker? Not the most flattering fit, but I'm digging the stripes and the straps.
Sorry, Irina, but this looks like it comes from a discount store. It's fine, but forgettable, Matar is not helping by looking like she's about to vom, btw.
LOUISE & NIC
This is giving me a strong Delia Deetz-from-Beetlejuice vibe. It comes off, especially with the styling, as very severe. But I don't hate it as much as I hate this:
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO COOKIE MONSTER, YOU BITCH!?! Don't go trolling for stoles down Sesame Street, especially not in that cheap sateen. I will cut you.
Phew, okay. I'm calmer now. To the judging!
Heidi immediately sends Althea and Logan to safety (way to go, Team Average!), and then informs Chris and Epperson and Louise and Nic that their teams have the lowest scores. Chris and Epperson are clearly shocked, and it's sad that they had no idea their stuff was bad.
Out on the runway, the judges hear from the top two teams. The judges love the pencil skirt look from CH and Shirin, and Michael Kors likes the belted tunic. Everyone praises Irina's dress, and Gordana's look is blandly but positively received. Of course, because the production crew fills her in on the backstage drama, Heidi has to pointedly ask Irina and Gordana how it was to work together. Gordana says simply that it was challenging but that it turned out OK. Irina feels compelled to then throw Gordana on the bus by complaining that she was too shy. Gordana does not rebut, and I can't tell if I admire her self-control or am pissed that she didn't rip Irina a new one. I know she has it in her.
The good teams are sent backstage and the bottom two come out for their tongue lashings. Of Louise and Nic's ruffle parade, Heidi asks, "Who wears this today?" Michael thinks that the Cookie Monster pelt looks like a bridesmaids dress decorated with old shower loofahs. Of Chris and Epperson's designs, the judges agree that they don't go together but also suck separately. Chris starts to cry, and I have to look away until it's over, but I hear "teal charmeuse disco pumpkin" and "lobster bib." Then Heidi--who is extra harsh this season during panels, no?--says that after the judges deliberate, "One or more of you will be out." If Chris goes home I will stop watching, Lifetime, I swear to God.
The deliberation is basically just a rehash of what we just saw. I think Michael needs Nina to perform at his highest level of snark; he's rusty. All of the designers come back onto the runway. Shirin is in. And now for the winner of this challenge.... Irina. She deserved it, but boo. Epperson nods as her name is announced, and I'd like to think that he's not agreeing with the decision so much as he's acknowledging that in this cycle, the assholes always win. Gordana is in, as is Carol Hannah, which leaves the four losers. Thankfully, Epperson is in. Nic has immunity, which Heidi tells him is very lucky. She sends him back to safety.
It's just Louise and Chris on the runway and I am having stress flashbacks to last week. "One or both of you will be out," Heidi says, and seriously, I cannot deal. If Chris goes home I might have to strike next week. Louise is out, thank Christ, and Chris fights back tears. And then.... he is in. Jesus, Heidi, give me a freaking heart attack, why don't you? Never scare me like that. There aren't any real characters this season--nary a Santino or Christian or Kenley in sight--and so all I have to hang on to are the nice people. Actually, as soon as Nic and Irina are dispensed of, I'll barely care who wins.
Next week, the designers get a surprise in the form of new models, and Michael throws down some lukewarm barbs like "labcoat-y" and "double ugly." Where are the "that looks farty"s of yesteryear? Sigh. Anyway, you know I'll be watching, with or without a piercing headache.
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