I love the Oscars. LOVE. I always have, ever since I first started watching circa age eleven, when Billy Crystal hosted every year and Steve Guttenberg was the first one to show up on the red carpet (even then I remember thinking, "Steve Guttenberg is invited to the Oscars?"). This was before Ryan Seacrest and Billy Bush, back before Shoe Cam was even invented (!), so we had to form opinions of celebrities' outfits without the aid of Berlin Alexanderplatz-length red carpet specials.
Still, I love the spectacle and glamour of it all. I'm a die-hard fan and I'll never stop watching. So why I'm ruining it for myself by live-blogging I'll never know. Well, actually, yes I do: I'm doing it for you... Alec Baldwin. Alec, my fellow HuffPost blogger and future silver fox, I know you can't follow my live blog while you're actually on stage at the Kodak, but I want you to know that I am more excited about you and Steve Martin hosting this show than I am about the existence of pajama jeans (oh yes, you read that right--pajamas that are also JEANS). May you have the chemistry of The Captain and Tenille, only with fewer bowl cuts and more sexual tension.
Okay. It's after 6 o'clock, friends. What are we, farmers? Put on your tuxes and let's do this thing.
6:00 Cable is out! Nooooooooooooooo! WTF, Time Warner? I just said I am NOT a farmer!
6:06 My sister is live-streaming it for me on her Mac, but we can't get E!, only the AP channel. Someone named Natalie Rotman is dressed like an ice dancer. I miss Ryan and Giuliana!
6:12 Apparently it's raining in LA. Some guy from Avatar just said "Rain can't touch the Colonel." Who ARE these people? Where are the celebrities? Why doesn't E! live stream???
6:17 AP's red carpet reporter Alicia Quarles is now interviewing an AP reporter. Have you learned nothing from Seacrest, woman? Go chase down some A-listers. I'm being literal. Run! I think I see Sam Worthington!
6:20 My sister says, "You know on ANTM when they have to learn how to interview people?" Yeah, sister, I hear you. AP's correspondents are worse. The cable guy has not called back. [Sob.]
6:26 Cable back on! Oh, Seacrest, I've never been happier to see your sparkling veneers. He's interviewing Zoe Saldana, who is wearing a schizophrenic dress with a sparkly bodice, lavender middle and dark purple, ruffled bottom. Oh, honey, no.
6:28 Vera Farmiga is wearing a gorgeous magenta-colored dress. Lots of fan-like, ruffly flair but I think I like it. Hahaha... she says she wants Kathryn Bigelow to win Best Director over Jason Reitman and then realizes her gaffe. Hey, girl, you and me both. Team Kathryn!
6:30 "Ryan Reynolds is next." SEACREST, DO NOT TEASE ME!
6:35 Oh, Ryan Reynolds. You are so cute. Seacrest says that Sandra Bullock is "a chick who is half, like, a dude." And this is how hermaphrodite rumors get started.
6:40 Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard. Maggie is in tie-dye-looking Dries van Noten. Looks pretty from the waist up.
6:41 Ryan talking to Elizabeth Banks, who's in a gray sheath with poufy skirt. Kleenex-y. Apparently Versace! She gets Ryan to admit he's wearing makeup. Ha. Tom Ford appears like a fashion fairy from on high.
6:44 Jay Manuel and Giuliana Rancic on a balcony, being orange.
6:45 Commercial break. Celebrity Apprentice promo comes on. My mom is appalled: "Cyndi Lauper?! It's come to this?"
6:48 Sigourney Weaver looks amazing in red on-shoulder dress. On second look I see a weird shoulder brooch, but I'll give SigWeave a pass. For life. She rocks.
6:49 Ryan's got Lenny Kravitz and his daughter Zoe. I'm so glad he and Lisa Bonet procreated. Aren't you?
6:51 Tina Fey! Her dress is a sparkly black Michael Kors. Pretty. She reminds us that Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin are really only on screen for twenty minutes out of the four hours we are about to endure. Why you gotta be like that, Tina? Dang.
6:56 Jay and Giuliana take a tender look back at the gowns we've seen over the past 45 minutes. Amanda Seyfried is in a cream-colored dress with one of those hard, boxy bodices that makes boobs look flat a board. Sandra Bullock is wearing a silvery sheath with one of those flesh-netting tops covered in embroidery. It's nice, but nothing show-stopping. Diane Kruger is in a cream halter with a black feathery neck and waist. My mom crows, "Joan's gonna have a field day with that one!" It is not good.
7:01 Does Ryan think Tyler Perry is Lee Daniels? Don't congratulate all black people on Precious, Ryan.
7:03 Mom sees Amanda Seyfried. "She has no breasts!" Then, "The dress is beautiful; it would look weird with breasts." Nice recovery, Mom. She's only had one glass of wine... so far.
Mom: Who's that?
Me: Miley Cyrus.
Mom: How old is she?
Mom: Oh, Jesus. She looks 35.
7:07 Ryan makes Jake Gyllenhaal say how proud he is of Maggie. Mom: "Is he chewing gum?" We establish that he is. Mom is horrified.
7:08 Why can't Jay Manuel ever wear a classic tux? Different is nice, but it sure isn't pretty, Jay. Oh yes, I just dissed you with a quote from A Chorus Line. Watch out for my jazz hands; they are like nunchuks.
7:13 Ryan discussing Miley Cyrus' mom's tattoos. Mom: "They look like they're the same age!"
7:14 Sarah Jessica Parker wearing very interesting retro-looking butter- Chanel couture. It would be ugly on anyone else but I think she works it. I will not, however, accept that Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago, is husky and graying.
7:17 Kathryn Bigelow is a full foot taller than Seacrest. She's wearing a smoke-colored silk dress (gray is an It color this year, huh? Rachel McAdams is rocking it, too.). Ryan asks Kathryn about James Cameron and she sort of dodges the question. He seems like a dick. I hope she wins.
7:19 Oh Charlize! Boob roses! No! Jay and Giuliana try to be nice. Jay: "I wish they were a little closer together." Ha! Don't we all, Jay.
7:23 Twitter follower spaceytracy91 likens Charlize's boob roses to vaginas. I had not made the labial connection, but VAGINA BOOBS ARE NOT APPROPRIATE OSCAR ATTIRE, THERON.
7:27 Oooooh, Colin Firth. Who's that bitch next to him? Oh... I guess his wife.
7:29 George Clooney tries to hide behind Queen Latifah to avoid Seacrest, but Seacrest is wily and snares him. Clooney says he would bet all his worldly possessions on Jeff Bridges winning Best Actor.
7:31 Meryl Streep in white long-sleeved gown with plunging neckline. Hot.
7:32 Jennifer Lopez in dress Seacrest calls "ambitious." Ouch. It looks like it's made of felt, or congealed cotton candy. Mark Anthony is looking less gray than usual. Maybe the dress makes him look better. Jay and Giuliana love her dress; are they blind? Or am I?
7:38 Is that Keanu Reeves?! He's lost like 50 pounds, no? In background, Kristen Stewart looks awkward in black strapless gown. Gabourey Sidibe looks great in navy blue gown, fist bumps Keanu. "If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot." I like her; she's sassy.
7:41 Giuiliana calls Gabourey Sidibe "cute," but you can see the fat phobia written all over her face. Don't worry, G, it's not catching. Go eat a sandwich.
7:42 George Clooney's hair makes him look kind of like Sinatra. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
7:43 Mom on Giuliana: "That woman's shoulders and clavicle are frightening."
7:49 Gerard Butler says he's going to moon the audience.
7:51 It's official: gray is the color of the night. Kate Winslet arrives wearing strapless, silvery-gray number.
7:52 THE DUDE! Ack! E! nearly blinds me by flashing Charlize Theron's boob vaginas while Jeff Bridges is talking. Mom: "I like that his wife is, like, remotely close to his age." Preach, momma.
7:53 Mom: "Miley Cyrus and Meryl Streep should never be in the same sentence!"
7:54 Jay Manuel says he thinks Jeff Bridges "is going to clean house here." OMG, can Jeff Bridges actually be on the show Clean House? Please, universe? I bet he'd really know how to spruce up a kitchen.
7:58 Cameron Diaz is wearing a decent dress, but she lost her face somewhere.
7:59 CHRIS PINE, the show is about to start. STOP TRYING TO TALK TO RYAN!
8:00 Oh, never mind. We still have half an hour. Where did ABC find this 80s announcer?
8:02 Some dude from Entertainment Weekly is talking to the five Best Supporting Actress nominees. I think Maggie Gyllenhaal is wearing Bugles for earrings. Mmmmm, Bugles.
8:04 Sherri Shepherd is hitting on George Clooney, and his poor girlfriend doesn't understand English. Awesome.
8:06 Okay, who is this woman wearing the black sequined dress and all the pearls that's TALKING WAY TOO LOUD?
8:08 OMG, it's Kathy Ireland. What happened? Did she go deaf?
8:10 Helen Mirren looks great as usual but I miss her cleavage.
8:11 Kathy Ireland is yelling at Morgan Freeman. His daughter's name is Morgana? How JonBenet of you, Morgan.
8:13 I'm still confused by Jennifer Lopez's dress. What is it made of? My mother loves it. "She has a good ass , that Jennifer Lopez."
8:20 EW dude has Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. They awkwardly plug their movie Date Night.
8:22 Oh no... is Miley Cyrus performing tonight? Better open the wine now.
8:24 Kathy Ireland to Gabourey Sidibe: "We hear that you text people close to you a lot." Yes, Gabourey, tell us more about your Verizon plan.
8:25 Sherri Shepherd grabs Taylor Lautner. Mom's friend Karen: "He's creepy!" I guess she's Team Edward...
8:27 Now it's actually starting. No really terrible dresses this red carpet, huh? SJP will get reamed, but no Bjork-level catastrophies.
8:30 What is this music? Wait, why are all the nominees on stage? Will they make them dance? This is bizarre. Where are Alec and Steve? I wanted them to ride in on horses or rise out of flaming garbage cans!
8:32 Neil Patrick Harris! In a sparkly smoking jacket?!
8:33 Showgirls!? In the AISLES?! What is happening?
8:34 Okay, now we're talking. Descending from the ceiling almost as good as rising from flaming garbage cans. And less dangerous.
8:35 Jokes so far are kind of forced. "There's that damn Helen Mirren." "Steve, that's DAME Helen Mirren." I'll still laugh, 'cause I love you both.
8:40 Joke about Kathryn Bigelow gets a reaction shot. Mom: "If that guy next to her is her husband, she traded up." Ha!
8:42 They're like Statler and Waldorf! And Alec Baldwin keeps putting on a weird British accent. I kind of love it.
8:43 George Clooney REALLY does not look amused. How can he hate Stevec? Aleve?
8:44 Penelope Cruz presents Best Supporting Actor. I love the color of her dress and the way she pronounces "Matt Damon."
8:46 This has got to go to Christoph Waltz, agreed?
8:47 Creepiest Lovely Bones clip EVER. Stanley Tucci thinks so, too.
8:48 And the winner is... Christoph Waltz! He's not making tons of sense but he's very sincere. Aw.
8:50 Ryan Reynolds. Rrrrrowr. Yeah, introduce The Blind Side, baby. Just like that. I'm not gonna see it but I'll listen to you talk about it.
8:52 Maybe Clooney is pissed off because he's having a fight with his GF... maybe Sherri Shepherd started somethin'. He looks like he could cut a bitch.
8:57 I am loving the animated characters being interviewed.
8:58 Best Animated Feature... Up will probably win, no?
8:59 Yes, yes it does. Confession: I never saw it. I know! I know. I'll Netflix.
9:00 I don't know if my husband would call me "the greatest adventure." Maybe "The Neverending Story"...
9:01 Miley Cyrus and Amanda Seyfried present Best Original Song. Miley really does look twice her age. Maybe it's the hair?
9:02 I hope T-Bone Burnett wins. Because, well... his name is T-Bone.
9:03 And the winners are... T-Bone Burnett and Ryan Bingham (isn't that George Clooney's character from Up in the Air?) Bingham tells his wife "I love you more than rainbows, baby." T-Bone is mute and wearing shades.
9:05 I didn't see District 9 either. I KNOW. I suck.
9:11 Robert Downey, Jr. and Tina Fey. Between her hair and his bow tie it's like 1978 up in here. But they are hilarious.
9:15 And Best Original Screenplay goes to... Mark Boal for The Hurt Locker! I did see The Hurt Locker (even though I covered my eyes through much of it, asking my husband "Did it blow up yet? What's happening?"), hence I can root for it.
9:17 Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick! Blast from the pizz-ast! This must be about John Hughes.
9:18 Oh, God, don't show me Ferris Bueller. It makes current-day Matthew look so... old.
9:20 Rrrrowr, young James Spader. Young Eric Stoltz! Oh man, can I time travel back to 1986?
9:21 YOUNG ALEC BALDWIN OH MY GOD MY OVARIES.
9:22 John Hughes reunion! Wait, Macauley Culkin was not part of the Brat Pack! Anthony Michael Hall looks like Malcolm McDowell. This is depressing.
9:23 Why is Samuel L. Jackson introducing Up? My mom thinks the old man in Up is supposed to be Martin Scorcese. Hahaha.
9:27 Oh, Zoe Saldana's dress is not good. Does PETA know that she skinned Grimace for that skirt?
9:30 Some dude in extended short film montage: "You know what I like about short films? They're short." And people wonder why the show runs long. What was the point of this?
9:32 Nicolas Schmerkin (sp?) wins Best Short Film for Logorama. "It took 6 years to make a film that was 16 minutes, so I hope to come back with a full-length film in... 36 years." Aw, cute.
9:33 Best Documentary Short goes to... Music by Prudence. Roger Ross Williams and Elinor Burkett accept award. She interrupts him. Not sure if this is cool. They're battling for the mic. When I win my Oscar, I better not have some Joy Behar doppelganger all up in my grille.
9:36 The New Tenants wins for Best Live Action Short. The names of the winners disappear before I can write them down here. Sorry, dudes.
9:37 Hey, this presentation of shorts is pretty long. Ba dum bum.
9:38 Ben Stiller as Avatar = amazing. Funniest moment of the night so far.
9:40 Best Makeup goes to... Star Trek. Oh, dude, if you're bald, just go get your Oscar bald. The Kodak is no place for Kangol caps. At least it's not a toupee.
9:43 Jeff Bridges presents A Serious Man. Mom gets a special Oscar cookie from kitchen, which explains why she announces "I'm eating Mo'Nique."
9:47 Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal come out to present Best Adapted Screenplay. And the winner is... Up in the Air? That's my guess.
9:49 Nope, it's Precious (I'm not going to write "based on the novel Push by Sapphire." It's too long. Oh, wait. Shit.) He's shocked and emotional. So sweet.
9:52 Damn, Queen Latifah looks good. So does Lauren Bacall. I'm confused about what her Oscar was for but I love her quip about being excited to have a two-legged man in her room. I feel you, girl, I'm sick of the peg legs.
9:55 Robin Williams talks about ball handling, now will present Best Supporting Actress. This is Mo'Nique's fo sho.
9:57 Fun fact: Anna Kendrick is actually my husband's cousin. Too bad she's not going to win this year. And the winner is... Mo'Nique! The crowd is on its feet. Where's my Kleenex? Class act speech as usual.
10:01 Oooh, Colin Firth again. All I can think about when I see him is how he says my name briefly in Bridget Jones' Diary: "Just stir it, Una." Swoon.
10:05 SigWeave! She's presenting Best Art Direction. I'm eating Jeff Bridges (the cookie) as Avatar wins. Three guys come up, someone steps on SigWeave's dress and another one of them had a fatal illness. There is a lot going on. I'm just going to keep eating Jeff Bridges, because I like saying that.
10:09 Fashion whores Tom Ford and SJP come out to present Best Costume Design. I'm reconsidering my stance on her dress. Maybe it is just ugly.
10:11 Sandy Powell, who is apparently the Meryl Streep of costume design, wins. "I already have two of these," she grins, treating it like it ain't no thang. I know it's unintentional, but she comes off like kind of a bitch.
10:13 What does Charlize Theron have to do with Precious? And why must I keep being subjected to her chest labia?
10:18 Baldwin and Martin's Paranormal Activity spoof their best bit so far. Hilarious.
10:19 Taylor Lautner and Kristin Stewart are pronouncing "horror" like "whore." I'm excited for this Tribute to Whore.
10:20 But seriously, why are we watching this?
10:22 Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick present a montage about sound narrated by... Morgan Freeman. I'm confused. Why didn't Morgan Freeman present this?
10:25 Zac looks like he just woke up. The Hurt Locker wins. Guy who accepts has Brad Pitt Interview With the Vampire hair. He might be half of Nelson.
10:27 The Hurt Locker also wins for Sound Mixing. Nelson (sorry, Paul N. J. Ottison) comes back out.
10:28 Elizabeth Banks comes out to tell us about the time she hosted the nerd portion of the Oscars.
10:29 Out comes John Travolta! (See what I did there?)
10:30 No, but seriously, he's presenting Inglorious Basterds.
10:34 Sandra Bullock comes out and I wish she was wearing softer makeup. That lipstick is a little harsh. She's presenting Best Cinematography. And the winner is... Avatar. I cannot spell your name, guy, but great speech! Congrats! Wait, why are they playing the theme from Ghost?
10:37 Oh, because of Demi Moore. She's presenting the Death-O-Meter. Oh, Patrick Swayze. I'm going to cry. James fucking Taylor? Really? Jesus, tearjerk much, Oscars?
10:40 So many actors died young last year. So sad.
10:45 Jennifer Lopez and Sam Worthington. "Because the music took us down so many streets, we're using so many street dancers." That, Sam, is a ridiculous segue and you know it. Fantastic Mr. Fox does not crump.
10:49 Why are we doing the robot to the score from Up?
10:52 My mom: "George Clooney is drunk. He is DRUNK!"
10:52 Michael Giacchino for Up wins for Best Score, from a gum-chewing Sam Worthington (People! Spit out your gum before appearing on national television!)
10:54 Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper present Best Visual Effects. Seems like a no-brainer. And it goes to... Avatar. SigWeave and Zoe Saldana stand up and clap.
10:58 Why is there a NuvaRing hanging over the crowd?
11:01 Matt Damon presents Best Documentary Feature. And the winner is... The Cove. WOW THIS GUY IS YELLING. As well he should, I guess; he just won an Oscar.
11:05 Tyler Perry making lame editing jokes. But we get shot of Stevec in a Snuggie! And a joke about how white people think all black people look the same! Anyway, the winner is... The Hurt Locker. Yay!
11:08 Oh look! It's Ted Theodore Logan presenting The Hurt Locker... and taking himself very seriously.
11:13 Commercial break. Wait, Joe Montana uses Sketcher's Shape-Ups? Shut the fuck up.
11:14 Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino present Best Foreign Language Film. They joke that this is because they are both unintelligible, which is funny because it's true. And the winner is... Argentina! An entire country! Yay! Ok, more specifically it is El Secreto de sus Ojos. The director makes a funny joke about being glad the Academy doesn't consider Na'vi a foreign language, but I don't think anyone heard him. I laughed, dude.
11:19 Kathy Bates presents Avatar. She is totally its biggest fan, and is planning on taking it home and hobbling it.
11:24 "Please welcome Tim Robbins, Colin Farrell, Vera Farmiga, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Julianne Moore. What? Ohhhh, it's peeps who have worked with all of the Best Actor nominees. Okay, I get it.
11:26 Michelle Pfeiffer is making The Dude cry. Also, does she drink the blood of virgins? How can she still look so good?
11:27 Vera Farmiga gets a smile out of Clooney.
11:28 I still can't believe Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon broke up. That is fucked up.
11:30 Colin Farrell and Jeremy Renner spooned in Mexico. And that is the mental image I want you to take with you this evening.
11:31 Kate Winslet comes out to present Best Actor. Gotta be Jeff Bridges!
11:32 THE DUDE ABIDES! He gets a standing O. He is so lovable. Also maybe high.
11:34 No, just high on life. And his own inherent awesomeness. Love him.
11:36 Mom: "They haven't done a lifetime achievement award yet, have they?" Me: "Oh, shit." They're not doing one, are they? Oh please no.
11:39 Michael Sheen, Forrest Whitaker, Oprah (!), Stanley Tucci, and Peter Sarsgaard come out to wax nostalgic about the Best Actress nominees.
11:42 I think Michael Sheen just made a joke about Prime Ministers and trannies! I'm tired, though. Are we there yet?
11:44 Gabourey Sidibe is crying because Oprah is talking to her. Man, I would, too. I bet it's like being touched by God.
Jeff Spicoli Sean Penn comes out to present Best Actress. Sandra or Meryl? Meryl or Sandra? It's...
11:48 Sandra Bullock! She also gets a standing O. She actually seriously acknowledges the other nominees in a sweet and funny way. I shall forgive the bold lip! She seems awesome.
11:52 "...and my lover Meryl Streep." YES.
11:53 Barbra Streisand is presenting Best Director. I feel like it has to be Kathryn Bigelow. Why else would they call on Barbra? But how could they know if they can't open the envelope? Hmmmm. Come on, Kathryn! First woman ever! Please?!
11:54 And the winner is... Kathryn! I'm getting verklempt.
11:56 She's so graceful, nervous and wonderful. I'm tearing up.
11:58 Tom Hanks comes out with the last envelope of the night. Woah, he doesn't even read out the nominees. It's The Hurt Locker. Bam!
12:00 Hey, Academy, if you had cut out that Whore Tribute this ending wouldn't have been so rushed. Food for thought.
12:01 Kathryn Bigelow is double fisting Oscars. This is an awesome ending to a very long night.
Thanks for reading, guys! This was intense. If I can repress the memory by next March I'll do it again next year!
Hey, if you liked this, check out my blog, The Sassy Curmudgeon.
Follow Una LaMarche on Twitter: www.twitter.com/sassycurmudgeon