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Lastams was born the child of poor potato farmers in Michigan.
At a young age, he was sold to gypsies for three bags of rice and some magic beans.
He was later shanghaied on an American grain ship, going on to eventually become Chief Engineer.
Now retired, Lastams lives aboard a sailboat and conducts the laundry poll, deriving the mood and spirit of the American middle class from comments overheard at laundromats.
Lastams is a practicing member of Vonneguts Church of God the Utterly Indifferent, is staunchly pro-union, pro-active, and often pro-posturous.
He is 55 and is hoping to make 60 without serious liver damage.
