Trickle Down Kindness

Practicing kindness at the macro level has never been difficult. I give to charity, support the more compassionate political party, help the elderly cross the street. Hell, I even volunteer, though giving of my time can sometimes be a stretch. I can be selfish that way.
But most of us feel good, a little superior, about these compassionate actions. And they're pretty painless to do.

But kindness in everyday interactions is a more challenging proposition. Buttons are pushed, frustrations arise, the old emotional warhorses behind most nasty behavior (fear and/or pride) emerge from the gates without warning, causing us to utter words we sometimes wish we could take back. I think kindness may be one of our weaker instincts, always battling it out with our baser inclinations, and something we must learn. Ever notice how mean kids can be to each other?

I was forced to confront my own recent rash of unkindness by a blog I posted last week.
Ostensibly it was about a first date with a new man, to whom I was not unduly unkind. Though I must say I will no longer write about the men I date because it didn't feel right.

No, the unkindness was to the man I did not write about, but for whom that blog was (passive aggressively) intended, to send the signal that I was moving on, to make him jealous. Pride was at play here. But it was silly, really, as it's been some time and parting was mutual and sad, and it was presumptuous to believe he even reads my blog. But, in all, not a nice thing for me to do, and I am sorry. My small come-uppance was that there was never a second date with the guy I wrote about last week.

This mea culpa has made me look at the ease with which unkind words have passed my lips over the past weeks (in my defence, I've been depressed, which is never a good Petri dish for sweetness and light). I was less than nice towards my mother. And weeks would be an understatement. Let's just say I've been snappish with her on and off since I was seven. But she's basically a very loving woman and wonderfully supportive, we're just very different beings and you know how it is with mothers. They get on your nerves sometimes (as do daughters, I imagine).

Two things led me to apologize to her. (This is uncharacteristic conduct for me. I still find it difficult to apologize to her and I don't know why. I guess I skipped that in therapy). One, I knew it was the right thing to do and I wanted to stop perpetrating this behavior on her. The second was out of self interest, imagining the guilt I would feel when she eventually died if I didn't get this short-temperedness I have with her under control and get a decade of good behavior under my belt. We baby boomers need to start preparing for this kind of stuff now so we are not damned for our remaining years on earth, if not for all eternity.

And why is it that those to whom we are closest bear the brunt of our frustrations with life? Is it just because we can get away with it? And of course we don't, really. We think we do just because they don't leave or stop speaking to us. They let it drop the next morning. But of course the sniping does great harm over time.

I've actually started conquering some lesser forms of unkindness, or at least developed the ability to practice on-the-spot restitution. I can now apologize to a taxi driver about what an impatient bitch I've been before getting out of the cab, rather than experiencing remorse as I put my key in the door as he drives away. My bad cab manners are inevitably born of irritation at being stuck in traffic (almost always as a result of my bossy instructions on the best route to take). Motivation for bad behavior: inability to tolerate frustration (more commonly known as immaturity), and fear of being late.

And taking it down a notch further, I no longer have to apologize to anyone with whom I'm waiting. I don't kvetch semi-audibly because the person at the front of the Starbucks line does not have his drink order rehearsed to perfection (he's not even sure what he wants, can you believe that?!) and is ordering pastries, to boot. Motivation for bad behavior: sense of entitlement that I shouldn't have to wait; impatience; fear of being late (though I often have nowhere I have to be.)

Of course this is just about good manners and common courtesy, which I still can't muster 100% of the time. The older I get, the more I realize I'm a work in progress. My basically compassionate, empathetic nature continues to battle it out with my baser emotions, but I keep working on making my kind soul trickle down to where it counts, one on one relationships with friends, family and the man on the street.

Comments

[mamacat]

Being given a chance to expound about something I know so little about has never stopped me before, so why should it this time?

My belief is that our feelings of personal worth are tied into our shared feelings with our parents. If we had/have a sense of acceptance and love with our parents, we are more likely to have that feeling in our later daily lives. If feelings of love are near the surface in our daily lives, then it is more likely that we will be loving, and kind, toward others. Parents are not the sole repository of blame and credit when it comes to their children's behaviour, but they are the most important influence.

Just my point of view, probably not worth any more than anyone else's.

[azyuwish]

I liked the refreshing honesty in your post. Really going out on a limb about the passive/aggressive subterranean motive in the last post about men.

You're onto something relative to our mothers. My mother died five years ago and we had a contentious relationship throughout my life. It only improved when I made the conscious choice to include the relationship with my mother in my spiritual practice. I included her in the philosophical view of the Cosmos at large.

Once I began to see her as a separate entity and not just placed on Earth to be the perfect cheerleader for me and my life, I was able to have compassion for HER upbringing and take into account her upbringing and the unique challenges it provided for her. I could look at her as pure Being, with a personality super-imposed and sometimes even speak to/with the Beingness of her, totally by-passing the personality.

For example one day she was sitting there going on and on about some (usually) boring and inane detail of gossip about a neighbor and I just penetrated straight through all of that mind chatter by saying directly and with intensity "I love you Mom." She stopped mid-sentence (no small task) and just smiled and then, forgetting all about what she'd been saying, just sat in profound silence, beaming. We both did. It was a priceless moment.

For further reference, please see: "Dalai Lama" under K, for kindness.

[janex]

Congratulations on finding the path to being polite and kind. I hope you are able to blaze a trail others can follow.