My Abortion Baby

George Tiller--physician, abortion provider, Lutheran, husband, father, grandfather-- was shot and killed Sunday in the lobby of his church. He was killed after years of harassment and threats, bombing of his clinic, even being shot in both arms. And yet he continued doing what he did because he believed it was right.

They say that the walls of Dr. Tiller's clinic are lined with letters from grateful families. I can understand that gratitude. Whenever tirades against abortion catch my attention, I look at our elder daughter with wonder and gratitude. Without abortion she wouldn't exist, and if I knew where to find the warm Canadian-trained Singaporean physician who gave us the gift of Brynn, I would send her one of those letters, too.

Five years into our marriage, my husband and I kept a promise we had made to ourselves during our first months together. He quit his job and I closed my psychology practice, and we put on our backpacks for a year of Lonely Planet travel. We swam in travertine pools in Mexico, crewed on a sail boat in Costa Rica, and hiked in the dark to watch the sun rise over a crater.

We rode standing-room-only buses with chickens at our elbows, and "luxury" buses where violent lurid Hollywood movies made the kilometers seem eternal, and narrow gauge trains with lace-edged linens in the hard sleepers. We stayed sometimes in sweet guest houses but more often in bare cement rooms full of spiders and mice and once slept on the dirt floor of a kind Cancun worker who picked up two foreign hitchhikers in his decrepit Ford truck.

Without my work to focus on, my biological alarm clock went off, and scarcely a month into the trip I announced that it was time for us to get pregnant. Brian was a bit surprised, but (in contrast to me) he'd always known he wanted to be a parent. Besides which, he's an adaptable person and he recognized a window of opportunity, so he set to work wrapping his mind around the idea. We were in southern Costa Rica at the time, about to crew our way through the Panama Canal to a new continent and, I figured, a new phase of life.

Then we got news that my father had died in a climbing accident. We flew back to the States for a month, where I comforted myself by putting our garden back in order - pruning and weeding, only mildly annoyed by the neighborhood cats who thought I was loosening the soil so it would be easier for them to bury their business. It was while we were at home that I got pregnant. Somehow in my mind, the new life that was growing inside me made it seem like Dad wasn't completely gone. His death, my pregnancy, the tenacious weeds eddied together in a soothing reminder of the flow of life.

We hit the road again, this time flying east to Jakarta, and after more three months of bumpy bus rides where fake snuff films fused with all-day-long "morning sickness," I was so ready to have that baby. (If I barf right next to the video screen, will those little boys in the front of the bus be spared from a lifetime association between sex and violence?)

We landed in Singapore at the trailing edge of first trimester and got a gorgeous ultrasound picture of the fetus we had nicknamed "Gecko." To celebrate, we splurged at a little French bistro with crusty bread and gorgonzola pasta and a wee bit of wine, with the picture on the table between us. And then, the next day, we got test results showing that I had acute toxoplasmosis. Probably not a big deal, right? We trucked ourselves over to the university library to find out. Turns out acute toxoplasmosis means possible blindness and brain lesions.

It seemed like a nightmare. We both wanted a baby. But it also felt irresponsible to gamble. Not only would we would be taking a chance on the quality of life of our first child, but potentially committing any future children to a life of caretaking that they had no option to choose or reject. We would be risking our own ability to give to the community around us - and possibly creating a situation in which our family needed to suck more out of society than we could put back into it. As painful as the decision felt, our moral values were clear, and we scheduled to terminate the pregnancy.

The loss felt enormous, in part because that pregnancy was so tied up with my father's death. I was still letting him go -- dreaming that I was in Switzerland rather than Costa Rica when he fell, kneeling and scooping the bright red snow while a helicopter flew his body away. Or talking to him at his desk and telling I wouldn't see him again. Or reliving my mother's middle-of-the night screams when, not knowing what to do with the blood-soaked clothes that the Swiss government had mistakenly shipped to Arizona, she put them in the washing machine and a piece of Dad's skull fell out of the wet heap.

George Tiller's wife screamed when she saw him there in the church lobby; I wonder what kind of dreams his children and grandchildren will be having.

But it wasn't just about Dad. To this day, I marvel at how quickly my mind and emotions oriented to the idea that we were going to have a child. Even after I got pregnant again a few months later, I remember crying -- I wanted Gecko. It wasn't until Brynn was born beautiful and whole, and I looked into her ancient newborn blue eyes and fell in love -- it wasn't until then that the loss healed completely. How could I grieve a potential child know that this tangible, silky sweet-smelling child in front of me couldn't exist if that one did.

Instead of a child who spends a (short or long) lifetime struggling to be and do the things we cherish most, we have a daughter who is loving and generous and playful and strong and way smarter and more disciplined than her mama will ever be. That is the gift that a doctor like George Tiller gave to me and my husband and our younger daughter and our community -- to everyone Brynn will touch.

In the case of my daughter, the trade-off is very clear: A bundle of risks, or the thriving life-lover who writes poetry about her chickens and races after a soccer ball as if, in that moment, it were the only thing that existed. There never was an option on both; Brynn was conceived before Gecko would have come to term.

In less obvious ways, many many children exist in this world only because of abortion. We rarely talk of them - the chosen children who wouldn't be here if their mothers hadn't first chosen abortion when the timing or conditions were wrong. Most of the women I know who have had abortions now have chosen children, kids who are flourishing because they were born into flourishing families, born to parents who waited to stack the odds in their favor.

Would my little friends Annie, Tommy and Hannah exist if their mothers had been forced to carry those early unintended pregnancies? Their moms say no. Thanks to contraception and abortion, they do. Yet we seldom talk about this part of choosing life. Who do you know who wouldn't be here if a brave doctor hadn't made a moral commitment like the one that cost George Tiller his life?

What do those fundamentalists think keeps someone like Dr. George Tiller working behind bullet proof glass after being shot in both arms? The gifts of life given by an abortion provider are hard to measure, but I think that Dr. Tiller knew. I hope they publish those letters in a book.

Comments

[RadicalRepublican]

I support a woman's right to choose. This is the land of the free after all and nobody has the right to tell another what to do with his or her body. I made my own choice and asked my pregnant girlfried to marry me so she wouldn't abort our baby Now I have two wonderful grown sons whom I love with all my heart and am very proud of.

[Dap]

Reading the comments makes one think of the John Irving novel "The Cider House Rules".

[Isis N]

Excellent post, Valerie.

Yes, I am pro-choice, and should anything ever happen to me, I most likely would choose to not have an abortion, but it's so important that women, regardless of the choices they themselves make, have the freedom to choose what is best for them.

[dems08]

Please everyone. They label themselves pro-life.

Anti-choice is what they really are.

They are anti-choice.

I am pro-choice.

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Power Oriented Controllers
POCs

[Lolotehe]

I remember driving a girl out to get an abortion. Her husband and I sat around in the waiting room, looking at fearful girls and whoever had driven them. At the time, it was the best decision: her health could not carry a baby to term, their living conditions were no place to raise a baby.
But now, ten years later, they are expecting a child and looking forward to raising that baby in a clean environment with a healthy mother. I don't know what would have happened to the first, but this new one looks like it will be everything the first couldn't.

[dems08]

Thank you (and Valerie) for sharing. Every abortion has a different story behind it.

Sometimes a (young) woman feels she is too young to have a child.

Sometimes a woman or a couple feels like they can't afford to have a child.

Sometimes a woman is alone, and feels she is not able to have and raise a child by herself.

Sometimes a woman or young woman is a victim of rape/incest and does not want to carry the pregnancy to full term.

Sometimes a woman or couple discover the fetus has health problems that they can't or don't want to deal with.

Sometimes a woman is in an abusive relationship and doesn't want to bring a child into that situation.

plus an infinite number of other reasons......

[Ohioan730]

Pro-lifers say that abortion has killed more than it has saved but abstinence teaching co-existing with legal abortion has ironically produced a huge spike in babies born to teens in recent years. Seems that everyone is not lining up at the clinics.

Isn't it more of a problem that there are more potential candidates for the clinics whenever abstinence is taught? Either way, we end up with a problem. Its either a burden on the county or will never exist because someone didn't have the sense to get a condom or bc pills because they ignored the corny teacher who told them "just wait". They rolled their eyes and said "yeah, right" just like every other kid since time began.

This is about controlling MY OWN BODY. Since nature has left me with the child bearing burden, I want that situation to be equalized. I want the option to protect myself with bc and I want my life protected should something go wrong with my wanted pregnancy. Why is that too much for these people?

[noaxe397]

I would like permission to make a comment. I am a man. On other blogs/articles on abortion I was told men have no business commenting on these manners.

[Valerie Tarico - Huffpost Blogger]

Of course men have business commenting on these matters. Many abortion decisions are made by couples, and mens lives are profoundly affected when women choose to keep unintended pregnancies as well.

[Ohioan730]

Pro-life males who's solution is to tell women to not "lay down with a man and it won't happen" should stay out of it. I know the difference between a good-hearted man who loves children and a meddling sanctimonious hypocrite who doesn't even want women to use BC because it makes them too "free". Yes, I have heard these things before, as shocking as it is.

If you are a pro-life man with some solutions to prevent unintended pregnancy in the form of education or BC so these abortions can be reduced, I'm all ears. That's really the only correct solution--to meet in the middle on this. Women have been doing terrible things to themselves since the beginning of time to get rid of unwanted pregnancies and many died. In 1973, the world decided to have mercy on them. This is not even a moral issue because women are not saints. This is a medical safety issue.

[dems08]

Don't ask for permission.

Just make your comment.

[Zanti]

Superb and moving--and, as others have pointed out, courageous, too.

Those people who insist that every fetus be carried to term, regardless of what the baby and family will have to face, must have no adult sense of responsibility at all. It's certainly easy to take a high-sounding moral stand on an issue when WE'RE not the ones forced to live with the pain and tragedy.

I wonder about those who are able to separate the issue of life from the issue of quality thereof.

[Dap]

Dear Valerie,
Outstanding post, timely. I've said it before and I'll say it again, thank you for the caring by sharing... that's why I heart ya, Agape, dap

[JanaK63]

I will never understand how someone who is supposedly Pro-Life could take a life...are only the lives of the unborn important or worthy? And what happened to "Judge not lest you be judged"...these holy roller so-called Pro-lifers seem to forget the religious teachings that brought them to this point in the first place.

[msdroop]

EXACTLY! They SAY pro Life. But these are the same people who cut funding to these children's schools, healthcare benefits, art and music programs and on and on and on. They are no longer worthy after their mother given birth to them. These same people who SAY pro Life are in favor of capital punishment. Meaning: these pro Life proclaimers will one day be willing to fry our children in an electric chair or lethally inject poison into their bodies-because its a more "humane" and less cruel method-to punish them.

[Girgadis]

Abortion has taken many more lives than it has saved. An entire generation has been lost, 50 million to be exact, a sobering statistic that is never addressed by abortion rights advocates. I appreciate your candor in sharing this story, but I think it's misleading to say that your abortion saved your next child's life. What it did was rob your child of a sibling and the reality that life isn't always perfect. Lest you think I'm one of those Bible-thumping pro-life crazies, you should also consider that I know first-hand what it's like to bring a less-than-perfect baby into the world. I can't imagine what life would be like if I HAD decided to abort them. It's not always easy and life, as we once knew it, has changed, but that's not a bad thing. My younger two have helped me gain patience and the ability to see the value in everyone. I don't know anyone who regrets their decision to BRING a life into the world. I am personally opposed to the taking of life for any reason aside from valid cases of self-defense (the Iraq War and the death penalty would not qualify as valid in my eyes) but I think it's frighteningly short-sighted to call abortion a blessing. I hope your eyes will be opened.

[AZBunny]

Girgadis, I can't believe you don't know anyone regrets bringing a life into this world.
Perhaps that is the problem. You need to seek out people who have been emotionally or psychially
abused by their parents. Being brought into this world by someone who resents you and yes, even hates you is a horrible thing to happen to anyone. You're lucky it didn't happen to you.

[Girgadis]

AZBunny, I was referring to parents who have considered abortion and opted against it. Yes, I actually do know people who had horrible parents. I wonder how they emerged as well as they did. While I am opposed to abortion, I'm not a radical who advocates kililng abortion doctors or throwing women in jail, etc to force them into childbirth. I don't approve of screaming at women in front of clinics, etc. I seek to change hearts and minds through love and respect without passing judgment. And frankly, I think the kind of parent you described above should avoid getting pregnant in the first place.

[LVorBust]

I hope your eyes will be opened.

I think a slow suffocation that lasts for anywhere between 15 minutes and 48 hours until eventual, unsaveable death, gasping for air that you cannot get enough of is one of the most terrifying ways to die. Would you like to die this way? My daughter would have if I carried her to term. My husband and I wouldn't wish that death on anyone, not even narrow minded individuals who are far more judgemental than they are understanding. So yes, I was blessed with a way of delivering her death in a less painful, traumatic and terrifying way.

I think it's frighteninly short-sighted to NOT call abortion a blessing at times, and blindly making blanket statements that are supposed to be a one sized fits all is inhumane, and an inefficient way to impose judgement. Then again, who are you to judge? Keep casting the first stone if you are without win.

[Girgadis]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I would not wish what you went through on anyone. However, I do know women who were told their children would suffer similar fates if brought into the world and it didn't happen, which is something we just don't know. I have no idea how I will die but it isn't something I spend a lot of time thinking about. I am not without sin, no one is, and in fact, I used to think almost exactly like you do. Then it occurred to me how ironic it is that we as mothers are sold abortion as a panacea for suffering, as if being ripped apart in-utero is painless. So no, excuse me if I don't see how it's a blessing to dismember my own offspring.

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

You misunderstood the story. It's impossible to be pregnant with two children at the same time, unless they are twins, and these two were not. And there's a difference between a less-than-perfect baby and one that is certain to die, or one that will put the survival of the mother in question.

The decision is ultimately made by the woman, but being pro-choice doesn't imply how that decision is made. Even if you are against taking life under all circumstances, you need to face the problem that there are cases of such severity that it is a decision between the life of the child or the mother.

Even if you're not bible-thumping, you're still not fully accepting that it's not your decision to make for others.

[Dap]

"Even if you're not bible-thumping, you're still not fully accepting that it's not your decision to make for others."

))))))) BINGO (((((((((

[Girgadis]

I don't see where I've said that I should make a decision for someone else. When someone shares something personal on a public blog, they do so at the risk that someone else may disagree with them. I know - dialogue is fine, only so long as everyone agrees with you. If someone can tell me what these medical emergencies are that threaten a woman late in pregnancy and would justify aborting a baby in the last trimester, I'm all ears.

[jsob]

About one-third of all conceptions fail for one reason or another to reach full term; nature, or God if you will, by your definition is an abortionist.

[msdroop]

Way to put it into perspective! Great point of reference-­science/bi­ology.

[Valerie Tarico - Huffpost Blogger]

How can it be misleading to say that my abortion was part of what allowed my next child's life--when she was conceived before the first pregnancy would have come to term.

[DenaSilver]

Beautiful. Thank you for writing this.

[Truby]

In all things it comes down to choice, individual or communal. Too bad we can not seem to agree that our society is premised on freedom in all things pertaining to how we choose to live our individual lives. If a person makes a choice and that choice does not directly nor indirectly impact my life, then it is none of my business. Always it is about control, I think something and need to control those around me so that what I think takes precedence. even if it means I have to ki.ll you to get you to see the error of your ways.

[msdroop]

Aren't you utterly brilliant, social scientist! That is what this society is based on-obtaining and maintaining control over its subjects by any means necessary. Even if it means off with a million heads.

[valkyrie607]

Thanks for the story.

I recently found out that when he was 18, my father got his first girlfriend pregnant, and they decided to get an abortion. Six years later, my dad met my mom and I was born. If it weren't for that abortion, my brother and sister and I would probably not exist.

The supposedly "pro-life" platitudes are so hollow and empty of any real meaning. That's because they don't mean what they say; they are not concerned about life but about control.

[Valerie Tarico - Huffpost Blogger]

Great Article at NYT Magazine: Patients Pay Tribute to Murdered Doctor.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/04/patients-remember-dr-tiller/