Parenting to Blame for Jon and Kate's Split

On Monday, when America's two most famous parents filed for divorce, it wasn't really a surprise. They're parents. Jon + Kate + 8 = divorce.

"As always, my first priority remains our children," said Kate on Monday night. She's the mother on John and Kate Plus 8, a reality TV show about two parents' efforts to raise their twins and sextuplets.

"Our kids are still my number one priority... My job is being the best, most supportive and loving father that I can be to my kids, and not being married to Kate doesn't change that," said John.

Their divorce announcement is the main story in the tabloids, bumping the previous top story, "Gisele Bundchen, Tom Brady Expecting a Baby!" and other top-five stories, "Matthew McConaughey and His Girlfriend Expecting Second Baby," and "Report: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick Welcome Twins!"

Some people are starting to (unpopularly) point out that our current interest in kids and parenting is neither normal nor historical. The "parenthood" concept is, in fact, a recent invention, a type of obsession, and even a form of insanity. Some would say "parenthood" is responsible for divorces, like sweet Kate and John's, and other types of fallout, like, say, Kate's not-so-sweet temper. When humans can't stand the heat, sometimes we don't get out of the fire; we fan the flames and get burnt.

"I blame... Clara Savage Littledale, whose job it was to help invent American parenthood," writes Jill Lepore in this week's New Yorker. Littledale was the first editor of Parenting magazine, and helped create an industry that turned normal adults into parents, and normal parents into bad parents in need of saving.

"Stages of life are artifacts," writes Lepore. "Adolescence is a useful contrivance, midlife is a moving target, senior citizens are an interest group, and tweenhood is just plain made up." Lepore argues that parenthood at first seems different -- in that, duh, there have always been parents, and those parents have "always been besotted with their children, awestruck by their impossible beauty, dopey high jinks, and strange little minds." But she says "parenthood" -- the word, and our current understanding of it, dates only to the mid-19th century, and our idea of what it means is "historically in its infancy."

Life used to be like this, according to Lepore: you were "born into a growing family, you help rear your siblings, have the first of your own half-dozen or even dozen children soon after you're grown, and die before your youngest has left home." In the early 1800s, the fertility rate of American women was between seven and eight children (now it's just over two for American women, and about one and a half for Canadian women). Adults died by age 60, and almost every household had children in it. By 1920, only about 55 per cent of households had kids. Now, it's under a third.

Most people today don't grow up caring for young siblings or other kids, and don't know how to do even basic things like bathing or soothing babies. First-time parents can't count on grandparents anymore in most cases. And all of this means parenthood has become mystifying.

Into any scary, mysterious void come snake-oil salespeople. In this case, magazines and experts, like in Parenting magazine, arrived on the scene about a century ago, and turned child care into a science.

The public bought the idea that they were essentially a danger to their own kids and had better pay money for advice, that they'd better try really hard to do a good job, and they'd still inevitably fail. (Even though, as Lepore points out, kids are actually safer now than ever. In 1850, more than one baby in five died before its first year, by 1920 that had dropped to one in 20, and today infant mortality is at one in 200.)

Now, more people wait to have kids because they don't feel ready in light of it being so important and difficult. And being a parent is harder than ever due to "structural problems," says Lepore. "Most jobs are made for people who aren't taking care of children. The sharper the division between parenthood and adulthood, the worse those jobs fit, and the less well people who aren't rearing children understand the hardships of people who are. Employers are seldom asked to accommodate family life in any meaningful way; employees do all the accommodating, which mainly involves, especially for women, pretending that we don't actually have families."

And all of that also means parenthood has become a kind of magical ideal, a role impossible to actually fulfill due to time, personality or financial constraints -- think June Cleaver, or her modern equivalent, Angelina Jolie. Parenthood is not only supposed to take over our schedules and bank accounts, but transform our identities. When you have a kid, you're no longer an adult or an individual, you're a parent.

All of the stories about Gisele Bundchen's pregnancy this week focus on her saying she's always wanted to be a mother, and that she thinks being a parent is the most important thing in life. Really? She didn't want to be a millionaire supermodel with a hunky, famous, quarterback husband? She won't stand back and be as pleased about those parts of her life?

With idealization like that being hyped in various media outlets, it's no wonder (posed) photo shoots in fashion magazines of neglectful mothers smoking and even throwing plastic babies over their shoulders seem so salacious and exciting.

And it's no wonder that the public is fascinated with stories of celebrity parents -- both those who follow the rules and those who fall short (like Britney Spears).

Look, parenting is a really important job. I was raised well and am grateful for it every day. I hear from dozens of parents that their kids are the best things in their life. And it's impossible not to get swept up in the pressure and the mysticism of something so fundamental to each of us.

But, with anything, creating too many rules and expectations comes at a price. And transforming from adults to parents clearly comes at a price -- one that John and Kate paid this week.

This post first appeared in The Tyee.

Comments

[rlugbill]

I think you are close to the point. I thought you were leading to it when you quoted both parents as saying their number one priority is the children.

The number one priority should be the marriage, not the children. Too many parents put their relationship last and this is the worst thing for the children. Children do better when their parents have a good relationship.

All the anger and shouting and divorce is very threatening to children. Children need a stable home life, not one full of anger and arguments.

Too often, parents forget to be a couple and are just parents when they have children. Then, the marriage falls apart. Yes, children are important, but the marriage should be the priority. Otherwise, everything else falls apart.

[patianneb]

Much ado about NOTHING.

[cinemaven]

No kids for you right?
Most of us don't parent from New Yorker columns, we have our kids and parenting is easy. Maintaining a marriage is less easy... two people have to commit and stay committed.. you don't have to commit to your kids, that happens all on it's own.

100% of marriages where both partners are honest, in love, work hard at keeping it going will be successful. 100% of marriages where only one or none of the partners are honest, in love or working hard to keep it going will fail.

I was married for 7 years before our son was born and 22 years (and counting) after he was born. I expect that we'll be married until one of us stops breathing but if we split, it wouldn't be because of parenting, it would be because we lacked the maturity, commitment, love to keep it going and it would be our fault, not our kids.

[Malkin71]

When women become mothers, oftentimes they become the mother to EVERYONE in the house, the husband included.

Men marry their girlfriends, not their mothers.

This is a recipe for failure.

[MyrtleJune]

Ummm no. What happened here is that Kate wanted to be a "star" and Jon wanted to not do the show. She could have saved that marriage but wouldn't give up the show and the money money money that comes with that. I don't really care about "parenthood" the meme. But I'm am sick to death of the martyrdom of mommyhood.

"Parenthood" did not cause Kate's abusive ways. And "parenthood" did not cause that divorce.

[anelder]

I agree, there is much evidence regarding their relationships with their parents that hint at this dysfunction. Early on I felt that this family was somehow a stage for this mother. Kate needed at least as strong a husband as she is and Jon was not that man. Actually that union may not have lasted either but at least one would have a clear picture Mommy was equally to blame for the splitup.

It's also another example of those who don't know how to handle money coming into a wad of it.

[quivira]

It is Jon, not John

[PoliticalPsychic]

Fantasy: Having tons of kids with an *imaginary* source of income as a backup (OctoMom is a good example, who doesn't seem to have the slightest clue of how much hell she is creating for her children)

Reality: Most couples who want kids are two-income earners, who have to pay for childcare services, a mortgage, and want to live in a "real world" where mothers AND fathers raise the kids (i.e. every chore is gender neutral).

TV / Movie families today seem to project some fantasy world where income is absolutely meaningless, and more kids means more "fun" - like food fights, endless summers of camping, and living in a ginormous mansion where everyone has their own bathroom and schedule.

I don't blame "parenting" - I blame those who think raising kids is as easy as watching a cute movie or reality show.

[SonnyBono]

You need a license to get married, to drive a car, in some cases to own a handgun, to hunt woodland creatures - but you don't need one to have kids - you don't even need to have any basic training in the process of raising another human being. Jon and Kate (and their kids) would have been much better off if they had developed some maturity before they went into the baby making business. What is going to happen when the cable channel folks decide to move on and the money supply dries up? How is Kate going to handle all those kids without the nanny (nannies)?

I hope they have put money aside not only for college education but for mental health services for the kids - from the looks of it, the kids are going to need them.

[oustfan]

Actually, yeah, being a parent is more important than being a super model.