By Julie Miller, Vanity Fair
By now, you've likely heard that Ashton Kutcher, star of New Year's Eve, Pop Chips commercials, and hot-tub cheating rumors, will play Steve Jobs in an upcoming biopic about the late Apple founder -- and are figuring out how to best channel your disappointment with Hollywood. An angry letter? A trial separation? Keying its car? In the heat of the moment, these all seem like completely logical solutions, but unfortunately, they will not stop this independent project from being produced. Having begrudgingly accepted this point, VF.com has some suggestions for how to best channel your frustrations.
First, Try to Understand
. . . which may seem hard considering that Variety -- almost anticipating that the casting news about Jobs would seem like a cruel joke -- broke the story on April Fool's Day. But let's try: Ashton Kutcher may be a Razzie Award-winning actor who has not appeared in a single film that was rated higher than 49 percent on the website RottenTomatoes.com. He may be a former Abercrombie model whose breakout movie involved him searching for his own parked car while hung-over for 80-some minutes. He may be the creator of the still-lingering trucker-hat fad and an annoying MTV series where he "punk'd" stars like Justin Timberlake and Kanye West into believing hilarious things, for example that all of their assets had been repossessed and they could not shoot a music video because they did not have the correct permits. But he vaguely resembles a young Steve Jobs and understands technology, as evidenced by his Twitter feed and the Nikon commercials in which he appears to successfully operate a digital camera in different settings that involve hot girls, the beach, and parties.
You Can't Understand; Now What?
Immediately, probably avoid Ashton Kutcher at all costs in hopes of putting these frustrations to rest while you concentrate on more important, non-Ashton-Kutcher-related events in your life. Unfollow @aplusk. Dodge CBS on Monday nights. Strategically avoid all events that Kutcher might possibly be attending. (Considering his recent surprise appearance at the Academy of Country Music Awards, this might be difficult to predict, but worth your time.) And most important, if this project does go into production, you are going to have to be careful to avoid on-set photos and updates of Kutcher as Steve Jobs. This can best be accomplished by hiring someone to screen all People and Us magazines and rip out all Kutcher references before you read. You could also just hope that the film does not start up or that Kutcher is replaced by someone who was not an executive producer of the CW series Beauty and the Geek. Stranger things have happened in Hollywood, like Kutcher being cast as Natalie Portman's romantic counterpart in No Strings Attached. But still.
Start/Join a Support Group
At the time of this post, no one has started a Facebook group for People Against Ashton Kutcher Being Cast as Steve Jobs. This is surprising. Such a group would provide a safe space for aggrieved parties to voice their complaints and offer each other support during this trying time.
Feel Sorry for the Real Victim Here . . . Steve Jobs
When Steve Jobs's friends asked him, as all friends do, "Who would you like to play you in the movie about your life?" he probably never once answered, "The horny dimwit who impregnated a girl in the bathroom of a Molly Hatchet concert on That 70's Show."
Weirdly, Feel a Little Sorry for Ashton Kutcher
Empathize a little for the actor whose casting in this project has sparked such comments as:
"Great, and maybe they can get Pauly Shore to play Stephen Hawking in some movie . . . "
"I HEARD THE BIO PIC IS CALLED 'DUDE, WHERE'S THE iPHONE?'"
"Just one word 'WHY'?"
Rest Easy Knowing That There Is Another Jobs Biopic in the Works
Fortunately, Sony bought the film rights to Walter Isaacson's biography of the Apple visionary, Steve Jobs, last fall. When the decision was first announced, armchair casting directors suggested that Christian Bale might make a good Jobs. But we can probably all agree that at this point, compared with a certain hat-fad-initiating, creepy-CW-dating-show-producing Charlie Sheen successor, nearly any actor would make a good Steve Jobs.
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