A Blogger's Guide to Judging People (By Their Hair)

They say the eyes are the window to a person's soul, but I disagree. I'm pretty sure it's the hair. Seriously.

For the sake of this article, I'm going to go ahead and admit that I judge people, and I judge them by their hair. I'm not saying everyone does this, I'm saying I do this, and I'll go ahead and tell you why.

You can judge a person on their shoes (Louboutins or Converse?), or what they wear (Armani or Anthropologie?), and that's fine. And hey, you'll probably get somewhere with that, maybe by going a little deeper and analyzing how they wear something: Does she mix Versace with vintage? Are her jeans skinny or flared? And just how flared and how expensively distressed?

All important factors. They might tell you how much money (or credit card debt) she has and if she lives on 73rd or somewhere between Bedford and Lorimer, but what they don't tell you is how much fun she'll be three-beers-deep on a girl's night out. What will? Her hair.

So, without further ado, here is my (highly abridged) Guide to Judging Someone By Their Hair.

Hair: Blonde. Perfectly highlighted and/or sun-kissed. Roots, a ¼ inch to 7/8 inch. No split ends or flyaways. Either crisply styled or artfully mussed.

Judgment: Has some combination of too much time and/or money. Reads too much Vogue, specifically the Julia Reed's article on "How to Get Perfect 90's Roots" in the October issue. Hopes that "Fredéric's" root job will give her that "It's a jet-setty thing" mystique.

Fun (on a scale of 1-6 beers): 2. Which is all she'll need to get drunk, because she either doesn't drink enough or because her prescription drug cocktail has already kicked in.

Hair: Brunette. Long and straight. Again, no flyaways, but not necessarily styled. Has been long and straight for the last 7 years.

Judgment: Supposedly low-maintenance. Has some guy issues. Isn't necessarily insecure, but is aware that guys like long, straight hair, and more specifically, long, straight hair on her. Mantra: If it ain't broke, don't fix it, and god-forbid she end up with a bad haircut; it would take, like, forever, to grow it out.

Fun (on a scale of 1-6 beers): 3. She'll be a blast, dancing up a storm and being the first to wrangle a free beer tab from the sucker at the bar. Then she'll take one shot too many and be drunk-dialing her ex-boyfriend. Tears will follow. As will a chaperoned (that would be you) and early cab ride home.

Hair: Red, long, and curly.

Judgment: No judgment. Who doesn't like a redhead?

Fun (on a scale of 1-6 beers): 6. See above. That is, until the angry drunk in her comes out, but don't worry: she'll be taking it out on the cab driver, circa 4 am.

Hair: A natural shade. Medium to long. Layers and/or side-swept bangs. Conditioned and lightly blow-dryed.

Judgment: 90% of the female population of Manhattan, though she grew up in San Francisco / Minneapolis / somewhere in Virginia. Funny, friendly, and probably talks behind your back (but only a little bit). Has dinner parties with her friends, and spends Saturday nights dancing on the LES.

Fun (on a scale of 1-6 beers): 4.5. Depends if she's your best friend from high-school / college or if you've known her for more than a year. Otherwise, she might just blend in with the crowd. That said, she'll buy her fair share of shots and won't bail without saying goodbye.

Hair: Bleach blonde, or any obviously non-natural shade (see: jet black, pink streaked, scarlet red). Pixie cut, rockabilly bob, euro-mullet, or heavily fringed. Styled, with wax and bobby pins.

Judgment: Probably wears vintage and works a job you wish you had. Swears like a sailor but writes / sings / paints like an angel.

Fun (on a scale of 1-6 beers): 5. Will take you to a hidden-door lounge where she knows the DJ, the bartender, and the band. Life of the party, until she ditches you for the drummer. But that's ok, because you were leaving with the bassist anyway.

Now, I'm sure there are a few sayings running through your head about throwing / casting stones and I'm sure there's probably something in there about a glass house as well, so I suppose it's only fair to turn the guide on myself.

(That said, fellow judgers, two things to keep in mind: I'm a big fan of sarcasm and after four beers, I can't even remember what my own hair looks like, let alone anyone else's.)

Happy Judging!

This was originally published in November 2007.

Comments

[JamieFrevele]

Um, what if you've had all of the above by age 25 and at the moment it's my natural brunette at an awkward growing-out soccer-mom length? I guess I'm a lost cause. Oh, and don't forget the odd premature grays.

[mouselion]

I'd like to read the unabridged version (male thing to say, I guess).

You're right about the non-natural hair shade judgment. I know a girl with long purple dreads, she's the hottest of all, artsy and wild. I love her! In my world, she's the girl that every guy wishes he was with.

[baldblackman]

Well, given that most "Black" women wear their hair straighten, (Braided, locked, etc. are distant seconds), and the wide (if not down wright crazy) colors they sometime choose I would say that you would combine some of the profiles.
I just can't until we are able to pick our genotypes (of course I'll be too old for it to do me any good) and no I would choose the blonde hair blue eye route (of couse at this point any hair would be good) .

[amigettingcanned]

Beve83-- what did you want the writer to say regarding black hair? what would you have written on the subject?

[PeteBogs]

I always judge women by their hair, i.e., is she a "real" redhead?

I have no hair, btw...

[Beve83]

"90% of the female population of Manhattan, though she grew up in San Francisco / Minneapolis / somewhere in Virginia."

I know these aren't hard facts, but 17% of Manhattan is black, (wikipedia) so you can't talk about hair and not take into consideration that black people do not have the same hair culture and issues, and even judgments, as everyone else in the world. We have our own set of rules on what is "good" and "bad", albeit being influenced by every other race's long and managable phenotype.

[louie226]

with all due respect, this isn't anything new. How many magazines cover this? the pink look was in all tabloids. Instead of rewriting the others, why not find something new to say...like why do you think one woman cuts her hair short -- a lot of hair is emotional so the whole judgment sounds blase. as a fashion editor, i'm a bit irked. also, perhaps you can tell us something about what is new with hair trends. nice attempt, though! Cheers!

[kellygrrrl]

While sitting for hours at LAX waiting for a delayed flight, I tried to explain to my husband how you could tell exactly where a woman was from by her hair color.
That certain shade of Orange County blond, or the Encino highlights, or the West Hollywood red, the Beverly Hill mink brown.
He was dazed, still can't even tell the difference between the degrees of blonde. But he's trying.
Sitting on the beach in Maui, my sister explained to him he could tell which part of the country a woman was from by their clothing. He wanted so bad to get it and play along, thinking it looked so fun, but it just didn't work for him.
I wonder why men don't see what women see.

[besomeoneyoulove]

This is hilarious! I'm Muslim and wear hijab, so I guess I don't fit into any of these categories... I wonder what my (visible) lack of hair says about me!

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

My hair is short and not all the way to my forehead. It used to be much more plentiful. How do I rank?

[Landofjenny]

EXCUSE ME:
"Hair: Brunette. Long and straight. Again, no flyaways, but not necessarily styled. Has been long and straight for the last 7 years.

Judgment: Supposedly low-maintenance. Has some guy issues. Isn't necessarily insecure, but is aware that guys like long, straight hair, and more specifically, long, straight hair on her. Mantra: If it ain't broke, don't fix it, and god-forbid she end up with a bad haircut; it would take, like, forever, to grow it out.

Fun (on a scale of 1-6 beers): 3. She'll be a blast, dancing up a storm and being the first to wrangle a free beer tab from the sucker at the bar. Then she'll take one shot too many and be drunk-dialing her ex-boyfriend. Tears will follow. As will a chaperoned (that would be you) and early cab ride home."


IF YOU EVER RATE ME A 3 ON THE DRUNK FUN SCALE AGAIN I WILL REMOVE THE CORP FROM CORP LIMITED. and then where will you be??? and honestly, i dont always cry, or always drunk dial my ex boyfriend. sometimes i switch it up and do other embarassing and drama inducing things. and, also, i think im improving steadily since my tumultuous days of senior year at columbia, when yea, i may possibly have been the most annoying drunk alive. dude, i have to say, i think im at least a 5.

and next time you use me as inspiration for a blog post at least throw in an asterix credit. COME ON NOW.

and its been long and straight forever. not just the last 7 years.

[acty]

which one are you verena? i think this guide to judging people by the hair rocks! I liken it to the Linda Goodma's Sun Sign Guide for hair. You are funny......I bet you would be a 10 to go out with. : )