A Guide To Judging Men (By Their Manners)

Welcome! In today's post we are (once again) going to be judging people. (I'm a blogger, what did you expect?)

A while back, I gave the ladies a little bit of a hard time, so it's only fair to give the menfolk their due. I had every intention of judging them by their hair, but then I realized: I don't actually judge men by their hair. (Unless it's in a ponytail. That's just not OK.) But what I do judge men on are their manners. What says more about a man than how they treat that elderly lady on the subway? Exactly.

And so, I present to you: The Same Blogger's (Highly Abridged) Guide to Judging Men (By Their Manners).

Crime: Spitting. Anywhere, anytime, particularly in public.

Judgment: He's played / plays too many sports. When you point it out, he'll say: "It's a baseball thing." Also: he's spoiled.

Punishment: It's a baseball thing, is it? Fine. No more watching baseball (or football, or basketball, or soccer, or any other sport involving men, balls, or spitting). The TV is mine. Grey's Anatomy marathon HERE. I. COME.

Crime: Not giving up his seat on the subway to the elderly (man OR woman), pregnant, or other such deserving persons.

Judgment: Spoiled. With a mother who was not nearly strict enough and who has an image to which you will never live up.

Punishment: I would say huffily giving up your own seat while giving said culprit scathing look, except I've tried this and it doesn't work. A stiff elbow to the solar plexus usually produces quick (albeit fleeting) results.

Crime: Re-adjusting.

Judgment: Has a penis.

Punishment: Strict training. Think Pavlov's dog. Except the opposite. Just think dogs in general. They (both men and dogs) respond quite well to negative reinforcement. See aforementioned stiff elbow to the solar plexus. Repeat as needed.

Crime: Wearing a hat (particularly of the baseball variety) inside.

Judgment: Has never met my mother or stepped foot inside my house. Also (and once again): Spoiled. At this point, I'd like to take this opportunity to give all those Moms out there a little shout-out: Train your sons. Please.

Punishment: Take away all his baseball hats. Seriously. It's that easy.

Crime: Doesn't open the door for you / [insert deserving person here]. This also applies to elevators.

Judgment: Self-Absorbed. Likes to talk about himself, and probably won't ask you any questions on your first date. Will probably use the "I thought modern women opened their own doors" excuse. Hello? Just because we can, doesn't mean we want to. Also, it's just common courtesy. Lastly: don't make me repeat myself (read: he's spoiled).

Punishment: He's a lost cause, particularly if he got indignant about it. Be sure to slam said door in his face on your way out.

Before I'm off, I'd like to add few last things. Firstly, while I dedicated this post to men, manners are not sexist, they are universal. So, to any women out there who aren't giving up their seats, opening doors, or think their new hat is just too fabulous to take off for dinner, I'm talking to you. (I've taken the liberty of assuming I don't have to mention Spitting and/or Re-Adjusting. Have some self-respect, ladies.) Secondly, a Public Service Announcement:

Are you a witness to crimes of civility? If you see something, say something.

And lastly, and once again, Happy Judging!

Comments

[Aramingo]

Verena:

I just want to thank you for allowing me the opprotunity to post here. I really enjoyed myself. If it's ok with you, I'd like to post again sometime.

[mbaty]

Um...as a gay man, there's a big grey area over who opens the door. Is it the driver's job? And if I don't open the door for him, and he doesn't open the door for me, who has the right to elbow who? And spitting is not very pretty, but watching sports is the true crime (and a ponytail is criminal.)

[MetalPhil]

As a man with long hair who, god forbid, sometimes where's it in a ponytail... Screw you. "Not OK." Seriously, it's been "totally OK" since the 1960s. That's the most retarded thing I've ever read on this site.

[Tator]

Didn't have the guts to post my opposing ideas I see. That is what is so hypocritical about Liberals . they want free speech as long as it agrees with them.

My post had no profanities or hate speech. It only pointed out the hypocrisies of Liberals. Since you were afraid of it and did not let it see the light.

GAME , SET , MATCH TATOR

[willisbones]

Cute article. I am a man and I agree we should be judged by our manners, or lack of manners. However, dogs do NOT respond well to negative reinforcement, and neither do men. I'm glad I'm not your puppy!

[mckinley]

If women REALLY judged men by their manners, instead of how much a man resonates with their abandonment and daddy issues, then four women would not have married a creep like Drew Peterson...

[mamacat]

The blog was written on a light note, and should be taken lightly.
But,....if I take the subject seriously, there are some very serious things to judge a man (and a woman) by, that were not mentioned.
Do they support their partner, emotionally and monetarily?
Do they support their children, in every way needed?
Do they respect their parents?
You get the idea. The examples mentioned in the blog are easy to relate to, and it has always amazed me how few young people will give up their seat on public transportation for someone else who obviously (to me, at least) needs the seat much more.
I suspect that the religous person would ask, does the person whose life is being inspected adequately honor Jesus, or Jehovah, or Mohammed, or (insert the name of your favorite deity here).
The accountant may ask if they keep a balanced check book.
The librarian will be concerned about whether they return their books on time or not.
The waittress will be inspect how a person tips.
The traffic cop will inspect how someone obeys the traffic laws.
A dietician will look at eating habits.
So, we each have to decide what is important to us, and on that basis make friends and select mates. We can't choose our family, as the saying goes, and that does make for some lively discussions about habits.

[curiousasheck]

Why do women insist on being treated like the Sun and Shining Center of a mans universe? I mean, haven't we moved beyond that?

[kirkland]

I'm sad to say that I totally get this rant and it's important to me, too. I suppose that my mom is to blame. I'm very well mannered and I just can't abide eating dinner, say, with a man with poor manners. I love to cook and indulge the appetites of any man that is in my life and it is more than a tad dissapointing to set a lovely table and then find that my dinner partner is totally uncivilized. It's not that I ask for that much. A little polish goes a long way . In general....we all have become boorish and and MHO, we are none the better for it. A hat at the table bugs me. A man at dinner that just plows in and doesn't wait for the hostess to lift her fork really bugs me. I probably sound like a jerk. That said....I've yet to prepare or serve dinner for a man who didn't appreciate my own manners or inclination to clear the table starting with his plate first. Perhaps the silly touches of a long gone formality but very lovely to provide and to receive. Men that lack basic awareness of how they present themselves ( women also of course) are apt to be dim in other areas as well. As unpopular as it maybe I welcome someone encouraging us to raise the level of social discourse. For woman as well as men. ( I personally find our tendancy as American women to be a tad slovenly or conversely way too obvious sexually unattractive and ill mannered at times )(( note: I like the differences between men and women and applaud anything that aknowledges this on a social , interpersonal level))

[DrLegacy]

in what kind of relationship is punishment accepted behavior?
even as humor, this post fails.

[wanderingsalmon]

If wearing a baseball cap inside makes me a cretin...so be it. Here's one of MY pet peeves; too much perfume...ladies, if you feel the need to smell like some sort of bathroom cleaner, that's fine, but apply in small doses. If your trying to disguise the fact that you smell like some sort of rutting marsupial from New Guinea...well...you end up smelling like a marsupial dipped in sani-flush, and not even Steve Irwin liked marsupials dipped in sani-flush. (Crikey...she's a stinky bugger!!!)

[JScott]

Ya need to just do one for rude folks in general
say drivers not using turn signals, tail gateing, yakking/im ing or other wise using electronic devices while driving, for that matter using those electronic devices in places wwhere it's a rude intrusion (ie talking about itheir intimate details loudly into the phone while pushing a grocery cart in the market), continuing a phone conversation while at the checkout/fast food/cash register counter etc.(not full attention to the hard working cashier/clerk-ultimate rudeness), people who DON't turn off their cell/blackberry etc. at a conference/meeting/class/wedding/church/funeral/play/movie or other group gathering even tho at the beginning of it they CLEARLY STATE to please change them to 'vibrate' (solution-speaker stops immediately and sez to the offender to 'please come to the front and continue your 'VERY IMPORTANT' phone conversation at the podium so that we may all be impressed with your 'importantness') bad mannered children, sitting a kid before a portable dvd player to 'hypnotize them' I'm rambling but you get the idea.

[Delphine]

I think guys in pony tails are hot (well, not all of them, Willy), although I prefer their hair flowing. Beards - even better.

I think I fell in love with Cat Stevens when I was at an impressionable age.

[NYCBear]

All of these are un-civil behavior except your "re-adjusting" one, where you reveal your cluelessness about the practicalities of male genitalia.

Sometimes the complex interaction of men's genitals, pubic hair and underwear or trousers results in real pain. It is NOT uncivil or rude to shift things around to relieve pain or to prevent pain. You may not think it is pretty to watch, but offending your particular aesthetic sensibilities isn't the same thing as being rude, especially since you are criticizing something you don't understand.

If he re-arranged YOUR clothes it would be rude, but re-arranging HIS OWN clothes is none of your business.

[DrDooit]

In what year was this written? Should I also not wear white after Labor Day?

I want to pint out I always open and hold doors and give up my seat to a deserving person.

The biggest sin about this piece is that its all about judging a person. Our writer needs to be reminded:
"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged."
"Let she who is without sin cast the first stone."