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A Guide To Judging Men (By Their Manners)

08/03/2008 06:05 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Welcome! In today's post we are (once again) going to be judging people. (I'm a blogger, what did you expect?)

A while back, I gave the ladies a little bit of a hard time, so it's only fair to give the menfolk their due. I had every intention of judging them by their hair, but then I realized: I don't actually judge men by their hair. (Unless it's in a ponytail. That's just not OK.) But what I do judge men on are their manners. What says more about a man than how they treat that elderly lady on the subway? Exactly.

And so, I present to you: The Same Blogger's (Highly Abridged) Guide to Judging Men (By Their Manners).

Crime: Spitting. Anywhere, anytime, particularly in public.

Judgment: He's played / plays too many sports. When you point it out, he'll say: "It's a baseball thing." Also: he's spoiled.

Punishment: It's a baseball thing, is it? Fine. No more watching baseball (or football, or basketball, or soccer, or any other sport involving men, balls, or spitting). The TV is mine. Grey's Anatomy marathon HERE. I. COME.

Crime: Not giving up his seat on the subway to the elderly (man OR woman), pregnant, or other such deserving persons.

Judgment: Spoiled. With a mother who was not nearly strict enough and who has an image to which you will never live up.

Punishment: I would say huffily giving up your own seat while giving said culprit scathing look, except I've tried this and it doesn't work. A stiff elbow to the solar plexus usually produces quick (albeit fleeting) results.

Crime: Re-adjusting.

Judgment: Has a penis.

Punishment: Strict training. Think Pavlov's dog. Except the opposite. Just think dogs in general. They (both men and dogs) respond quite well to negative reinforcement. See aforementioned stiff elbow to the solar plexus. Repeat as needed.

Crime: Wearing a hat (particularly of the baseball variety) inside.

Judgment: Has never met my mother or stepped foot inside my house. Also (and once again): Spoiled. At this point, I'd like to take this opportunity to give all those Moms out there a little shout-out: Train your sons. Please.

Punishment: Take away all his baseball hats. Seriously. It's that easy.

Crime: Doesn't open the door for you / [insert deserving person here]. This also applies to elevators.

Judgment: Self-Absorbed. Likes to talk about himself, and probably won't ask you any questions on your first date. Will probably use the "I thought modern women opened their own doors" excuse. Hello? Just because we can, doesn't mean we want to. Also, it's just common courtesy. Lastly: don't make me repeat myself (read: he's spoiled).

Punishment: He's a lost cause, particularly if he got indignant about it. Be sure to slam said door in his face on your way out.

Before I'm off, I'd like to add few last things. Firstly, while I dedicated this post to men, manners are not sexist, they are universal. So, to any women out there who aren't giving up their seats, opening doors, or think their new hat is just too fabulous to take off for dinner, I'm talking to you. (I've taken the liberty of assuming I don't have to mention Spitting and/or Re-Adjusting. Have some self-respect, ladies.) Secondly, a Public Service Announcement:

Are you a witness to crimes of civility? If you see something, say something.

And lastly, and once again, Happy Judging!