OMFG! Let's Talk About Sex

Somewhere between the immaculate conception and Pope Benedict XVI's US tour, God has worked his way into the bedroom.

I, for one, did not see it coming, nor did I see it happen. But that's the way it is with God, I suppose. One day he's frowning down upon you for thinking naughty thoughts about your catechism teacher, and the next he's pressed up against the back of "Oh-My-Fucking". Lord almighty.

And so, to quote a group whose music I was listening to far earlier than I should have been, let's talk about sex. And more specifically, let's talk about sex and god. Because Oh-My-Fucking-God, is he everywhere!

For those of you out there who are more, well, traditional believers and are currently squirming in their seats (Hi Mom!), let me explain myself. I'm not some sexed-up crackpot who spends their day thinking dirty thoughts about God. I am, however, some Mac-ed-out blogger who spends their day thinking about creative and strange (and some may argue interesting) ways to talk about God / Spirituality / Other-Soul-Related-Things-That-Are-Generally-Capitalized. And so, when I saw the OMFG ads for Gossip Girl, my wheels got a-churnin'.

When was the last time anyone thought about the fact that the "G" in OMFG stood for God? Wait, don't answer that. The point is that I had never really thought about it before. As someone who spent a childhood getting lectured on taking the Lord's name in vain (whoo-ee, am I gonna be in for it after this one!), somewhere along the line, God's name, the word, did get lost in all the vanity. OMFG became just as inconspicuous as LOL, TTYL, and NSFW.

So why are God and Sex such seemingly mutually exclusive subjects? Well, as far as I'm concerned, they're not. Women the world over have been singing his praises in many a compromising position since the dawn of time. Heck, it should really be considered a compliment. And considering that the big guy managed to do the deed unto Mary without lifting a finger, I'm pretty sure he knows what he's doing.

If that's not proof enough, case in point: Bernini's The Ecstasy of Saint Theresa. According to Saint Theresa herself:

I saw in his hand a long spear of gold, and at the iron's point there seemed to be a little fire. He appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my heart, and to pierce my very entrails; when he drew it out, he seemed to draw them out also, and to leave me all on fire with a great love of God. The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it.

I'll have whatever she's having.

But seriously, it's pretty easy to make the argument that we are our most pure, our most un-self-conscious, our most spiritually aware when in the midst of such bodily celebration. And I like to view God (when I view him at all) as a pretty upstanding, fun-loving guy, and most importantly as a guy who (if we're going to go there) created the human body and all of it's crooks, valleys, tricks, and nuances. Having sex is nothing if not a celebration of his creation, no?

But for those of you who -- no matter how many ecstatic teens overlaid with OMFG you see -- want God to remain out of the bedroom, sex is still and will most likely always remain a religiously taboo topic.

I'm still going to go there, though. Loosen up already! Do your thing! Jesus was cool with adulterers, and the Pope likes pussies (cats! Pussy cats! Get your mind out of the gutter.) so why don't the rest of us start having a little fun? And for God's sake, let's include him! Everybody likes a threesome.

Comments

[RedDogBear]

Of all the harmful things that Christianity and Islam do (I acknowledge they do plenty of good things as well) to me one of the foulest is the way they denigrate sex and women's bodies as "unholy". A lot of this can be traced back to St. Augustine -- who would be on my short list of biggest sexist jerks of all time. Augustine was a rich libertine in his young days who whored and drank like a Republican. As he got old he found religion and created all kinds of dumb ideas and interpretations that Christians have been stuck with ever since. He was apalled by menstruation and women's icky bodies and rationalized it by coming up with ideas like "original sin".

[iowacorn]

ha ha.. loved all of it.. this woman can write.!!!
the comment '' i'll have whatever she's having'' i love it!!
sorry , got caught up in the writing......can't really comment.. i'm a nonbeliever, but loved the article..

[philly282]

i'm sure the 'ill have what she's having' predates even billy crystal.

that's the easiest line to get a cheap laugh

followed by ...;'that's what she said'

anything favorable for this columnist is due strictly to her cosmo, bohemian-chic look

[brend]

If you don't want your children exposed to religion or sex, block the channel, home school them, don't take them to church, and lock them in their room until their 21 years old.

[Dajo]

OMG = Oh My Goodness

I rarely use swear words and never include the F when usising OMG. I also limit my use of god as an expression, often replacing it with Goodness. IMO, god is and over used word and it's over use tends to lend unrealistic credability to the notion of a Supreme Being . After many years of study and thoughtful reflection I now have determined that such a being exists only in the minds of naive, confused or misguided people.

[Hugo de Balsac]

yes.

[dgscol]

I am all for God controlling sex in foreign countries, to restrain population, hopefully for better and not for worse. the goal ought to be the creation of self-supportable populations, not St Augustine telling people how to do it. God-sex in Millenium 2 is different than in 1 or 0.

[acty]

OMFG I think I love you.......

[H.L. Mencken]

I compliment you blog for timing and the absolute necessity to employ some form of ribaldry at this moment! It is an elixir for grief!

[H.L. Mencken]

George Bernard Shaw once said at the age of eighty-harah I hev finally defeated that great enemy "sex"!

[cylindar]

Yes!!!! I think that they should paint and sculpt all art of God with him having a hard on. I think that would make religion a more hands on type of experience for more people.

[BlueBerryPickN]

...
...Join the Revolution!: get laid....
..wait for it.. ..
...like all good things, it starts off slow...

...but in the End... you break free...

~~~
Spread Love...

BlueBerry Pick'n
can be found @
ThisCanadian com
~~~
"We, two, form a Multitude" ~ Ovid.
~~~
"Silent Freedom is Freedom Silenced"
"do no harm"

[MrJoyboy]

God in a threesome? No way! He's too busy advising President Bush (and bad advice it is too).

[urbanscorpio88]

Thats just plain naughty.

[kellygrrrl]

Americans are so weird about sex - especially the "religious" Americans.

I don't get it.

[googlymoogly]

Sex good, religion bad, end of discussion......

[susieq1001]

rAmen!

[MikeDu]

I knew a foreign coworker who was VERY amused by American English's profoundly stunted ability to 'swear'. We've got the 'top two' combined in OMFG, we've got references to a couple random body parts, and a few random feminine hygiene products, and a couple sexual acts. And that pretty much covers it for swearing in America. I think the 'G' in OMFG is no more significant that it being everybody's basic fallback epithet! I'm more upset over this linguistic poverty as an atheist than most Christians are. The last thing i want to exclaim when i pound my thumb with a hammer is Jesus H. Christ's name. But there's no decent substitute! What can I do, resurrect (excuse the mention) that classical epithet "By Hercules!"?

[MikeDu]

Hey, that's an idea. Next time during the height of passion try calling out 'by Hercules!" over and over. you partner will probably appreciate it. :)

[DramaQueen101]

One of my favorites is from one of fantasy writer Robert Jordan's books:

Sheep swallop and bloody buttered onions!

[KenGirard]

I've always liked 'Demon Dogs!' from some cartoon back in the '70s, while my sister is fond of using 'Monkeys!'.

I've tried to eliminate all body parts (I either have or like the ones they refer to), and sex acts (Another thing I like) from my cursing, so I have to get more creative with my cussing now.

[MKJeeves]

Handbasket to your left, just sit quietly, no fidgeting . . .