Step VI of My Spiritual Journey: In Which I (Try To) Meditate

It's the start of the sixth week of My Spiritual Journey, and I feel like I've hit a hump. I've asked a nun for guidance, and I've confessed my sins. I've tested myself, asked others for help, and even made a pit-stop for Santa Claus, but honestly, I don't really feel like I've gotten anywhere. I feel a little bit like I'm treading water, and I think I am. Part of the problem, I think, is that I was raised Catholic, and while I have an intellectual understanding of both religion and spirituality and the differences between the two, I can't seem to reconcile their definitions within my own spiritual context. And I think I've realized that though I spent seven years in Catechism, and 50 times as many Sundays in Church, Christianity might not be for me.

Don't get me wrong. I like Jesus. I think he was a solidly good person and an exceptional teacher, but as someone who, though imaginative, likes most things to be based in fact, wrapping my head around the Holy Trinity left me, more or less, googley-eyed. And all the rules! All things need structure, and the 10 Commandments are some pretty clutch words to live by, but no matter how much I try to remove myself from the formality, the pomp and circumstance, the kneel now, and pray now, and speak now or forever hold your peace, it's still doing a number on my spiritual arteries.

And there's something intimidating to me about prayer, or perhaps just how I define prayer. I think the fault lies in the vagueness of my (questionable) belief in God and it's hard to pray to someone when you have only the loosest idea of their existence.

So I've made a decision. While I've by no means done an exhaustive meander through all forms of Christianity, I do feel that it's time for me to move on. It's time for me to take my leave of communion and forgive myself of my sins. I've backed away from the crucifix, made the appropriate sign of the cross, and now I'm heading East.

Sister Wendy likened prayer to a form of meditation, and for some reason the idea of meditation seemed easier to swallow (though not necessarily easier in practice, as I soon found out). And Wikipedia (clearly a definitive source on the matter) says there are all kinds of meditation. There's Mindfulness Meditation, in which you don't really think about anything, and then there's Concentration Meditation, in which you focus on one single thought or action, such as a word, or your breathing, and then they've even got Walking Meditation, which sounds like a really complicated version of tapping your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time. And so, I give to you, dear readers, my attempts at meditation, because what spiritual journey would be complete without an attempt at all three?

I can already tell that Mindfulness Meditation is going to pose a problem. (I know, I know. Positive thinking. Whatever.) I'm convinced that it's a scientific impossibility to completely empty your mind of everything, but decide to go ahead and give it my best shot. The directions say to sit in whatever position feels comfortable, as long as your back is straight. (Apparently this is so you won't fall asleep, and as far as I'm concerned, this is a telling sign.) I choose cross-legged on the sheepskin carpet in my living room. It's cozy, and feels kind earthy. And this is where I discover two things: My posture sucks, and that trying to meditate on 4 hours of sleep is the mental equivalent of running the Boston Marathon the day after an Ironman. Translation: I give up faster than you can say 12-minute-mile.

Concentration Meditation sounds a little more user-friendly. I decide to concentrate on the image of a flame and try to embrace the void (and for all you Fantasy dorks out there, that was most definitely a Wheel of Time reference), and discover that it's definitely easier to fight off thoughts if you have something else to think about. That said, it doesn't take long for me to realize that instead of picturing a flame somewhere in the void of my mind, I've just been crossing my eyes behind closed eyelids (try it, you'll see what I mean), and I break from meditation to have a mild panic attack (narrated by my mother's voice, no less) about whether or not I'd caused permanent damage. After I calm down, I reconsider, and instead of picturing a single small point, I try to make my mind a big blue screen, and this proves less optically taxing. After god knows how long / approximately 4 minutes, I think I've managed a full 15 seconds without mental distractions, and decide I've accomplished enough for one evening.

And in a way, I am proud. I've saved myself more than 928,374,289 brain cells by not watching another episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, and feel admirably pretentious about the fact I can officially say, "I meditate" without reciting a compensatory Hail Mary in my head.

(I decide to try Walking Meditation on my way to work the next morning, and get as far as cheating a little bit by playing some lyric-less music on my iPod, but quickly give up once I realize that there is no way the inventors of Walking Meditation had Park Avenue on a weekday morning in mind.)

So while I failed miserably at emptying my head, I still emerged victorious with 15 seconds of blue-screen silence. And the point of all this is (and really, to wrap it all up), I've come to realize that what works for someone else does not have to work for me. In the same way that one sister wanted to go to Mass on Christmas Day, and the other sister swears that surfing is a form of meditation, I've discovered that I will never have a monogamous relationship with spirituality, and that that's OK. And that, more than anything, if I can take the smaller victories, the quiet moments, or the 15 seconds of silence, and say, "I am going somewhere, and I am moving forward, and no matter how small, insignificant, or over-thought my steps are, they're still my steps," then, well, I think my journey will be just fine.

Comments

[poppyharlow]

Verena for President!

[JS1965]

What's behind the drive to live "spiritually". And further, what is the correlation between spiritualism and a reduction in modern trappings. What is it we're trying to shed? And what's behind the urge to shed? Are we imbued with so much self consciousness(i.e. guilt) that we're constantly in search of purification? Purification from what? I have nothing against prayer or meditation but I can't help but think we're in our element, that is, our minds are empty, when we're multi-tasked to the hilt with present needs so that our souls seek to exist as singular entities and instead become pressed into the mass of humanity. We are, in fact, not vessels but conduits. The more that flows through us the more we lose ourselves to the benefit of others.

[Landofjenny]

im all for embracing the void. other than fantasy fiction versions of spirituality - which could be adapted to be functional i think - im not really comfortable with the whole concept. the idea of even really really thinking about it seems truly onerous. strength to you on the journey.

[mbaty]

Have you tried brainwave cds? Holosync makes some discs that alter the brainwaves down to delta--and most experienced meditators usually achieve a theta brainwave state. Also, breathing excercises can be magic. And remember that group meditation works well because it's more time-structured and you have everyone else's contributing consciousness. I applaud your journey to find your own personal way of interfacing with divinity.

[timbiakabatuka]

Keep up the great work. Each post you write shows that you are making progress on your spiritual journey. I am looking forward to reading your next installment

[Cid]

I can't tell you the best way.

Like a drive to Disneyland, the route is different for each of us, and I'm no good at directions ;)

I can recommend a recent book by the Dalai Lama, that's been unfortunately titled: "How to see yourself as you really are".

The title sounds like a self-help book, but it's actually the closest thing to a step-by-step instructional manual for someone wanting to learn meditation. Not a bad refresher either.

Good luck on your path. Sounds like you already started..

[subs99]

One doesn't just "do" meditation for the heck of it to see what might happen. There is an actual reason. An actual goal.

And to achieve that goal, you have to do it right. Which means you have to know HOW to do it (and Verena made it clear she does not know how, AT ALL), and you have to be extremely motivated or you will not persist (Verena's motivation is laughable).

Meditation is simply a METHOD you use to build and strengthen two TOOLS: Mindfulness and Concentration.

[ The entire point of walking meditation = build mindfulness + concentration. By "mindfulness meditation" you probably meant "watching your breath" = build mindfulness + concentration. By "concentration meditation" you probably meant choosing a different object of meditation (flame) = build mindfulness + concentration. All meditation = the same = a tool to build mindfulness and concentration. ]

You use these two tools to EVER SO SLOWLY, over the course of many YEARS, to achieve full Spiritual Enlightenment -- which is full-time, uninterrupted Mindfulness in all situations.

It is the highest and most profound state any human can achieve. Anyone can do it, but it is NOT easy! No weekend bootcamp here!!! Just "dabbling" will get you nowhere.

Most people do NOT understand what-the-heck I just wrote above, so they will therefore not be sufficiently motivated to learn, practice, and persist.

Read these two books, learn what it is all really about, and be prepared for radical, profound, positive, universe-altering change...

1. The Mindful Way through Depression (Williams, et. al.)

2. Mindfulness in Plain English (Gunaratana)

Best of luck!!!

[domokat]

Try the Buddha's teaching of mindfulness meditation in the Satipatthana Sutta, "The Discourse on the Arousing of Mindfulness". The first four meditations on the breathing-body are very effective and easy to do.

[Zentomato]

The very best way to learn meditation is find a good meditation teacher. Finding a really good teacher is not so easy. An excellent way to find a good teacher is to go to a local Buddhist or Hindu temple. Buddhist monks will not demand that you follow their religious beliefs and would be happy to teach you meditation. My best experience is with the monks in the Theravada tradition. They have always been compassionate and accepting and charge nothing but it is always good to leave something in the basket as someone's got to pay to heat the temple. There is a Hindi phrase "Ekam sat vipra bahuda vedanta" which means there are many paths to the truth"

[monstabunny]

Yo, Verena! Do you know there's a character named after you in a movie called "All I Wanna Do"? She's called Verena von Stefan and she's played by Kirsten Dunst when she was a teenager.

[wildflowermaven]

I agree w those who say it seems you are rushing it, whether because you want to get through to the end unchanged, or because you have a natural tendency to be impatient. Meditation take TIME. I've been meditating for over 3 years, and sometimes its great, sometimes I can't sit there longer than five minutes.
I'd be interested in hearing what you think about meditation after you've been doing it for a month. Keep a journal of your practice. Maybe blog on it weekly along with some insights from a particular leader or tradition.

And I don't think meditation is inherently contradictory to Christianity. If you want to be a Recovering Catholic fine, but I consider myself Lutheran and I meditate and have no conflicts between the two.

[wm1066]

Your first mistake with the meditative walk was trying to listen to music. Forget the music! Just let your mind feel whats happening in your body. This slows the chatter in the mind. And go to a track so you don't have to think about traffic. And keep your head up so your looking at the horizon line. Looking down is bad for your internal gyroscope. Old people that fall down alot are always watching thier feet and that compounds the equalibrium problem. Then pick one thought to think about, let that become like a drone string that you can come back to.

[besomeoneyoulove]

Oh yay! This is such progress! Meditation is the best and precisely because its not so rigid and intense. It's just relaxing. And who doesn't like to be relaxed? I totally think that 15 seconds was the grand prize. Keep trying though, don't let it go now that you're on to the next week! One of my favorite things to envision is the color violet. It's such a rich intense color and its almost like I'm looking for it in my mind. I'm not sure that makes any sense but hey, it works for me! And for me, all I'm really looking for is some feeling of connectedness to the universe, and looking for violet helps me feel it. God, now I really think I'm not making any sense...

[Godmonkey]

Instead of meditation, I've found bacon and beer to work wonders. It will make you "be still," eventually -- and keep you regular into the bargain. Shh! Did you hear it? The universe? Or Krishna, perhaps, or maybe it was Santa Claus.

Now quit being flippant and actually give it a try instead of just sitting there being less holy than epistrophy, NoContest and Pandu. Remember: THE SOUL IS A DEADLY SERIOUS MATTER AND LAUGHTER BETRAYS THE ONE-MIND OF THE UNIVERSE. If you just repeat that to yourself, you'll have all the sanctinoniousness of a New Ager and a Protestant in the same breath.

Now breathe ...

[RobinLandseadel]

P.S.: Ain't nothing wrong with Mary. As the Universal Mother, she's spiritually ubiqutious. If she works for you, work for her. Speaking as a full-time Pagan, she's one of my favorite Goddesses, along with Kali & Durga and Innana & and all those other, scarier Deities. Mary sometimes pops up as Yemaya. Her best qualities can be found in Quan Yin. Meditate on Mary, if she's special to you, don't throw her out---she's family.

And besides, spirituality is for amateurs anyway.