The Rapture: You've Been Left Behind - Now What?

So, I feel like I'm kind of late on this, but that's not something I can really help - this column is every Wednesday, and I came across this little nugget of Inner Life Fodder on Thursday. So, here I am, a week late, but apparently only a day later than ABC News. Basically, some asshole/genius has decided to launch a little service where in the days after the Rapture those who've been whisked off to heaven are given one last chance to convert (read: gloat over) their loved ones.

For those of you who, like me, are utterly perplexed at that last sentence (and not just for grammatical reasons), the Rapture is this Evangelical Christian belief (theory?) that at some point Jesus is going to come down to earth and raise up all the "true" Christians and it basically kinda sucks to be the "untrue" Christians left down on terra firma, because the anti-Christ is more or less going to be running the show. (Wait, hasn't that been happening for the last 7.5 years? Ooh, snap!)

So, this website -- run for Christians, by Christians (is FCBC the new FUBU?) -- purports to electronically save your last words to those who have been left behind (because you just can never know when Jesus is going to come down and save you) and release them 6 days after the Rapture. (Did I mention that the site can be found at You'veBeenLeftBehind.com? Clever.)

According to the "Why?" section of their site:

We all have family and friends who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel.

The unsaved will be 'left behind' on earth to go through the "tribulation period" after the "Rapture". You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing "God Bless America" at baseballs' seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time...

"WHY" is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!

When I first heard about this scheme, my first thought was "WTF?" My second thought was, "How much are they charging?" And my third thought was, "Who's gonna send out the emails?"

Well, they're charging $40 for the first year (in which you store your stuff), but don't worry because "annual re-subscription fees will drop proportionately to the number of subscribers." Ah, see, so the more you convert, the better it is for you! They've thought of everything. Literally. The site isn't just for you to store your last missives, but also your financial information, because, you know, it's gonna be really confusing for your loved ones to find your bank account info in the days after the coming of the Lord.

Oh, and in case you're wondering how this darn service is even going to work (since it's run by Christians and all) - they've got a fail-safe trigger figured out. See, if three of the five employees fail to log on to the site after six days, the emails and info will be automatically sent out. Huh.

I'm going to go ahead and ignore the fact that this man is guaranteeing the functionality of the Internet during a time of such "devastation" because, as Captain Obvious -- aka Randy Maddox, Theology Prof at Duke -- so eloquently states: "There are logical incongruities with the model." But I'm not sure what to make of the fact that out of his five employees, he can only guarantee that three of them are true Christians. So, what, the others are a little iffy? That doesn't sound too faithful -- or particularly Christian, for that matter -- to me.

Then again, this is a 49-year-old grocery store shelf-stocker who came up with the idea when he wondered how he was going to give his wife his E-Trade password once he'd been lifted up on high. The guy doesn't even think his wife is a true Christian; he can't help but be skeptical.

Well, then, neither can I.

[Update: Damnit! Jezebel totes already covered this and in a letter. Genius!]

Comments

[lungfish]

According to Catholic doctrine NOBODY goes to Heaven. Christ returns to Earth (from Heaven), raises ALL of the dead and the righteous good guys get to live eternal lives of bliss and quality and the bad guys get to suffer. It all takes place here on Earth, according to the Catholics, and no human being ever goes to Heaven - God's domain....ever.
Evangelicals didn't like the way the Bible was written so they wrote in their own version and, frankly, in my opinion it is as stupid and nutty as the Catholic version......
The Rinzai monk Takuan Soho once mentioned that religion is the lowest form of spiritual practice. And when you think about it, Christianity is anything but a spiritual practice. Christianity is simply a study in behavior modification - be nice or God will get you.... It has nothing to do with finding your soul,listening to it, learning from it and engaging the universe with it... Churches don't want laity dealing directly with God and Spirit because it threatens their control.... They burned Joan D'arc at the stake for claiming to talk to God.... and rest assured that your priest doesn't dialog with God and will not believe you if you say that you have a dialog with the "Holy Spirit".....

[Merlin7]

Right on target. Religion is basically authoritarianism. The "faithful" actually are performing obeisance to their dear leaders, the top guy being a god, who is kind of an ultimate tribal chieftain. In fact, it's obvious even to a layman that religion developed from ancient tribal rites in which tribe members affirmed their loyalty to the clain and their clan leader. It's frightening that humans are still so susceptible to this kind of mass hypnosis. It might well lead to the extinction of our species.

[sigismundokafka]

Go gnosticiosm!

[darthdarcy]

The Rapture is a terrible heresy and cult device developed by Rev. Darcy in 1802...

[RadioResearch]

I love these "rapture" people who take a non-biblical idea and sell it as though it was written a thousand times in the bible. Unfortunately, they do not realize that their favorite book, Revelations, was considered heresy for its first hundred years or so (it first showed up around the year 95 but not in its current form - so it cannot even be relied upon as a real biblical text) and was written by a gnostic Christian not and orthodox one. Gnosticim was not only considered heresy by Ireneaus and Tertullian but the gnostics used a great deal of symbolism and Pythagorean mathematical ideas.

Revelations is also a cryptogram that needs to be decyphered from a gnostic point of view which gives an entirely different meaning to the text, one I should add, that has considerable spiritual meaning but nothing like what the "Revelationists" believe. Much of this stuff was argued some eighteen hundred years ago and the Catholic church as a consequence de-emphasised the text as it was considered "dangerous" for obvious reasons.

[CitizenFace]

That's really interesting. Do you have a link that explains the gnostic decription/explanation?

[mbaty]

I guess this guy couldn't write terrible books about the end-times. But an internet marketing scheme might be a better idea anyway.

[SusanRen]

I believe the word "rapture" is only used one time in the Bible and it doesnt go into being raised up into heaven and I'm a Christian.

[SusanRen]

1 Thessalonians 4: 16-17 this is what it says: For the Lord of Himself will come down from heaven with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meed the Lord in the air. So no word Rapture there. This is where the Rapture people get their message.

[MajorKong]

True, but there is a difference in interpretation. Many feel that this verse speaks of the second coming.

Many evangelicals believe differently, that this speaks of "the rapture" which will then be followed by "the tribulation" and then ultimately by the second coming of Christ.

[sigismundokafka]

Weird....almost makes you want to be left behind, so you can take that nifty flight through the clouds to meet everyone in the air!
"Who, Lord...I just flew in from the Tribulation, and boy, are my arms tired!"

[BadCompany]

I'm pretty sure that there were NO English words in the original text.

[Jonahson]

LSD anyone?

[mckinley]

So, Christian theology literally teaches to AVOID problems - "The Tribulation" - (float up to heaven), rather than help your left behind friends and family face them...

Just plain selfish.

[JimReed]

I see a potential problem. What if you leave your messages, then you don't happen to end up as one of those who have been raptured? Wouldn't it be really embarrassing if your friends read your emails, then started asking you why you are still here?

[phoquemyope]

Better still: what if the sheer act of signing up for this crapola is seen from Above as an act of arrogance, and thus for having committed one of the Deadly Sins (Pride, I think... not a Christian, myself), those using this service are the only ones TOTALLY GUARANTEED to be left behind? Talk about poetic justice! I can't say that I would stand there gloating at 'em -- probably I'd be too busy with more personal concerns, but it still might be worth it just to catch a little glimpse...

[JimReed]

So everybody signing up will be doing so for the wrong reason. But don't just totally give up on this website quite yet. I can see it evolving into something with more pratical value. Perhaps they could let you leave emails to people to be delivered after you are gone, however it happens. If you don't sign on to the website for some period, like 30 days, they could assume you are departed and do the send. They might even be able to reduce the price you pay by including some advertising along with your messages.

[LorettaSingbiel]

My religious girlfriend told me that The Rapture would happen on September 30, 2000. SHE'S still here.

So how about a website whereby the "unsaved" may leave the "true Christians" messages of "I told you so", after each "Rapture" date has come and gone?

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may be floatin on cloud nine...or maybe not?

Stay safe, healthy and happy,
Love, Loretta

[cg3]

Will the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy be left here, too?

[SatinPanties]

Kind of scary that in these times there are people who still believe that crap...

[dutchgirl55]

Even more scary is how many of them there are.

I don't believe any of that crap that "some" among us are more special for ANY reason. They just think they are, which automatically makes them sinners because of the vanity of assuming they know God's will. We're all God's children--warts, hang-ups, and all.

[sigismundokafka]

Agreed. I am a Christian, in that I love Christ and try to follow what I hear as his message...which has NOTHING to do with what 99% of mainstream "Christians" tout and claim to believe.
As it functions right now, most "Christians" do "good works" not because of some altruistic nature, or love for fellow human beings, or even because it's "the right thing to do..." instead they believe they are doing "good works" to impress the Big Angry Boss God who they need to impress to get that big payoff in the sky.
It has been perverted to the point where it is probably the most selfish religion on the planet, yet it was based on the words of Christ, who told the rich man to throw away everything he owned to follow God, who told the "righteous" not to judge a prostitute, and who championed selflessness and sacrifice as the deepest demonstration of faith.
Kind of like basing a religion on the teachings of Mr. Rogers, where believers slaughter their neighbors while singing snappy little songs about brotherly love.
God, save us.....from those who think they know you!

[ChristianDem08]

As a Christian, I am concerned about the preoccupation with the rapture and end times scenarios. We are commanded to live our life's to the fullest using Jesus as the example on how we are to live our lives and more importantly how we treat others. We (Christians) are hypocrites when we force Jesus down people's throats while treating people who live amongst us in the world like crap.

[AmericaIsATerroist]

The disturbing thing is that these crackpots, and there are A LOT of them, actually welcome it!!!
I mean if you're SO sure that you've already got seats for Jesuspalooza, then is it so agonizing to spend 70 or 80 years (less if you're "lucky" i guess), on good 'ol Terra Firma before you go stand before the man? And where the hell did this "grace period" come from? Is Jesus offering a lower damnation rate on Sin balance transfers these days?

[CitizenFace]

If you're interested in a sin balance transfer, speak with your pastor to ask about our low low damnation rates. Call now, the end is nigh!

Certain fees and restrictions may apply.

Be sure to consider whether you're righteous enough for sin balance transfer, and always read your bible carefully.

Offer not valid to gays, atheists, and residents of San Francisco.

[sheila]

hmmmm. anyone else looking for a cite on the whole "grace period" thing? i mean, i have read the bible and i have read the fine print on my credit card agreement, and for the life of me, i can't find the similarities. is there some sort of addendum to the bible that includes the 6-day retroactive rapture redemption period? or, for that matter, the inherent goodness and righteousness of the military industrial complex and giant corporate donors? the inherent evil of people who own all the oil that would justify their wholesale slaughter so we would then own the oil (but wouldn't there be a taint, since oil-owning was the justification of the "cleansing fires of illegal wars of aggression to steal the oil?").

man, i thought that this whole christian thing was confusing (i mean, never mind the old man shagging the maid while his wife watched and the guy made out of mud who was scared of trees), but now that there is fine(r) print and coupons, i am really lost. and left behind. hopefully when we get a little more prayer in schools, everyone will understand and obey...

[kathy001]

I, for one, am looking forward to being left behind. I think I'll really enjoy living in a world that's been emptied of a huge group of people who like to go to war to force people to believe in their God, who like to cast out all the people who don't live like them (gays, for instance), and who truly believe that it is their duty to force me to think and live as they do.

But, hey, if anyone wants to leave me their bank account information, I'm totally up for that!

[drakke]

Really. The "belief systems" on this planet, especially the fundy ones, are beyond ludicrous. It's no wonder the "president" got "voted in" twice. Some people with triple digit IQs would even go so far as to claim that such systems were especially created by the NWO ancestors to help enslave the morons. They did a fine job :))

[ChimpsWithNukes]

You were left behind. There were only 2 true christians, and no one noticed that they were gone.

[Obamican7]

They did a whole thing about this on Digital Funtown news.

[Cathexis]

The first thing I'm going to do after the Rapture is look up all of my Religious Right family and friends and lay it on thick ...

"But ... but FRED ... ! How can this BE?!? I mean ... the RAPTURE ... ! You've been talking about it for years (and years)! Telling me that if I only would listen to the Religious Right, everything would be fine! But here we are ... post-Rapture ... and ALL OF YOU IN THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT ARE STILL HERE!!!"

Drinks on you guys! ;-D