The Rapture: You've Been Left Behind - Now What?
So, I feel like I'm kind of late on this, but that's not something I can really help - this column is every Wednesday, and I came across this little nugget of Inner Life Fodder on Thursday. So, here I am, a week late, but apparently only a day later than ABC News. Basically, some asshole/genius has decided to launch a little service where in the days after the Rapture those who've been whisked off to heaven are given one last chance to convert (read: gloat over) their loved ones.
For those of you who, like me, are utterly perplexed at that last sentence (and not just for grammatical reasons), the Rapture is this Evangelical Christian belief (theory?) that at some point Jesus is going to come down to earth and raise up all the "true" Christians and it basically kinda sucks to be the "untrue" Christians left down on terra firma, because the anti-Christ is more or less going to be running the show. (Wait, hasn't that been happening for the last 7.5 years? Ooh, snap!)
So, this website -- run for Christians, by Christians (is FCBC the new FUBU?) -- purports to electronically save your last words to those who have been left behind (because you just can never know when Jesus is going to come down and save you) and release them 6 days after the Rapture. (Did I mention that the site can be found at You'veBeenLeftBehind.com? Clever.)
According to the "Why?" section of their site:
We all have family and friends who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel.
The unsaved will be 'left behind' on earth to go through the "tribulation period" after the "Rapture". You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing "God Bless America" at baseballs' seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time..."WHY" is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!
When I first heard about this scheme, my first thought was "WTF?" My second thought was, "How much are they charging?" And my third thought was, "Who's gonna send out the emails?"
Well, they're charging $40 for the first year (in which you store your stuff), but don't worry because "annual re-subscription fees will drop proportionately to the number of subscribers." Ah, see, so the more you convert, the better it is for you! They've thought of everything. Literally. The site isn't just for you to store your last missives, but also your financial information, because, you know, it's gonna be really confusing for your loved ones to find your bank account info in the days after the coming of the Lord.
Oh, and in case you're wondering how this darn service is even going to work (since it's run by Christians and all) - they've got a fail-safe trigger figured out. See, if three of the five employees fail to log on to the site after six days, the emails and info will be automatically sent out. Huh.
I'm going to go ahead and ignore the fact that this man is guaranteeing the functionality of the Internet during a time of such "devastation" because, as Captain Obvious -- aka Randy Maddox, Theology Prof at Duke -- so eloquently states: "There are logical incongruities with the model." But I'm not sure what to make of the fact that out of his five employees, he can only guarantee that three of them are true Christians. So, what, the others are a little iffy? That doesn't sound too faithful -- or particularly Christian, for that matter -- to me.
Then again, this is a 49-year-old grocery store shelf-stocker who came up with the idea when he wondered how he was going to give his wife his E-Trade password once he'd been lifted up on high. The guy doesn't even think his wife is a true Christian; he can't help but be skeptical.
Well, then, neither can I.
[Update: Damnit! Jezebel totes already covered this and in a letter. Genius!]
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All i know is this- after they leave the earth- can i have one of their left over Mercedes?
Mercedes? Due, I am going to go over to Kenneth Copeland's private airport (K4T2) and grab his Gulfstream, the fact that he will most likely remain unraptured notwithstanding.
I'll just be bringing tribulations to him, and doing God's Work....
Ain't religion grand?
Hey, our current President is a believer in the rapture.
Think about it, if as a Christian we believe that God let his Son be tortured, crucified and humiliated, why then would He whisk the "righteous" away from the pain of the end times? During times of anguish and tribulation is where the true Christian would want to be, that is where we belong -- our greatest glory is mirroring Christ's love though being with the suffering and hopeless. Christianity is not a parlor game to be won my some and lost by others. Christ, who we follow, had to suffer and die to be brought to glory and so must we.
None for me, thanks.
I don't know who's nuttier, esgabel or the wacky end-timers. Esgabel's comment is a good example of how religious "moderates" advocate "a little craziness but not too much." These so-called moderates buy into all sorts of nonsense, such as Jesus being the son of God, being born of virgin birth and being lifted up to heaven after crucifixion, but most distance themselves from even wackier folks like the end-timers. To which I say: Why bother? After you've drunk the Kool-Aid, you might as well believe the most absurd versions of the religious fantasy. Knock yourselves out.
First you have to drink the Kook-Aid..
I disagree, Merlin. While not a believer, myself, I see a HUGE difference in moderates like esgabel who practice their beliefs without trying to coerce others, and the Religious Right extremists who want to set up a theocracy to enforce their beliefs.
esgabel's beliefs do me no harm and I welcome his input in reminding us that not all Christians are crazy, mean-spirited authoritarians.
Jesus, come back soon... and save us from the Christians.
Totally true, Jesus would be among the fallen and so would true believers. He said if you help the least of people, you are helping him--meaning don't focus on the well off and smug believers.
Honestly, I have been confused by this for my entire life. If you are going to go to heaven when you die, then why the rush to rapture? If we only get one life, why not enjoy it fully, knowing heaven is waiting afterwords?
BTW, I gave up this cuckoo-clock religion years ago. But it is still a question that lingers for me.
The rush to 'Rapture' is because supposedly the raptured will get to go to heaven without having to endure Judgment. Being 'true Christians', they will just float up to heaven and bypass anyone looking at how they lived their lives.
The dead and 'not so perfect' Christians will have to go through being judged worthy enough to go to heaven.
This guy is going to be laughing rapturously all the way to the bank!
Clearly, the Rapture happened a long time ago, because the Antichrist is firmly ensconced in the VP's office.
And McCain says he'd be willing to put Cheney in his cabinet --Double Yikes!
is there any proof to these astounding theories? maybe some scientific studies or something?
No.
Ok here I an stranded on a rock in the middle of the universe.
Let's eat and think about it.
I would love someone to please explain why someone who looks forward to the rapture when they know that it would result in the deaths of billions of people is not a sociopath.
I love the intricate detail of this sh*t they make up!
And people buy it.
I can't wait to be left behind.
What now? We CELEBRATE!!! Those self-righteous, fairy tale believing, wackos are GONE!!!
Never to HIJACK our government again.
Wrong.
IF the Rapture was a true event, these people would not be affected: They are NOT true Christians. Hell, they make the Pharisees look good! It takes more to be a Christian than claiming to be one. IF there was a Rapture that whisked away all of the good Christians ... we may miss esgabel, who posts here, but I'd wager most or all of the Religious Right would still be here ... telling us that wasn't the Rapture at all, but a delusion engineered by Satan and the Liberals. ;-)
LOL, Cathexis, you are right. The Rapture is still a wacky idea as are the rest of the fairy tales.
I see esgabel is a catholic. I was born into a strict catholic family and had to follow all of those rules until I left home at 17, even though I'd stopped believing any of it at about the age of reason. When I asked questions and was told by the priests and nuns, "Don't ask questions, Just have faith." that didn't cut it for me. I was born inquisitive and have always tried to find answers to eveyrthing.
But good for esgabel. Sometimes I almost envy people who have faith in whatever. It must be comforting to have answers.
Thanks!
Anyone who truly believes in the Rapture can sell me their house for $1.00 today. Any offers???
The Left Behind series is very exciting and quite informative on all this. If real-life churches are like the ones in the books, they may have been preparing videos and other messages to pass on to the un-Raptured for a while now.
I shouldn't be reading stuff like this at work; it makes me laugh too hard!
That third question about who sends the email was priceless. Yeah, so do they keep half-assed Christians on staff to run the show after everyone gets whisked away? Hahaha.
Oh man, I'm still laughing.
But anyway, let's all keep in mind that there's no Biblical reference to any Rapture: it's a human invention. Consider that it's basically saying that those who are true will never die, will never have to leave their bodies behind, and will be escorted into the afterlife by no less than Jesus himself. What better way to get really gullible people to believe what amounts to a promise that can never be kept? "If you're good enough, Jesus will come to take to away."
Good luck with that. I'll be living my life, not holding my breath.
"But anyway, let's all keep in mind that there's no Biblical reference to any Rapture: it's a human invention.
Do you believe that the bible is any less invented?
Well, I guess what I meant to say is that the Rapture is a modern invention. The Bible is just a collection of ancient stories, parables and anecdotes that have (mistakenly) been given divine authorship, but this idea of the Rapture is even more recent than that.
mredder4 is correct. The doctrine of a rapture was first conceived by John Nelson Darby of the Plymouth Brethren in 1827. Since then some preachers have become wealth promoting the 'Rapture'. There is no basis for it in either the Old or New Testament. There is no 'Get Out of Jail Free' card my Christian friends.
In a world where anything truly is possible, lets say that it does go down like these people are hoping for. Two things come to me.
One is how sad it is when people give up their life now - what better way to rob people of their personal power than to get them to give up thinking for themselves. Just because an idea is accepted doesn't mean it is true. For a long time everyone believed the world is flat and that the sun revolved around the earth.
Two is that once the dead weight is gone, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy(she's super hot), santa and I are goanna party big time. If you wanna come, we'll be chillin' at the beach...
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