Why Women Gladly Date Ugly Men (And Probably Even Prefer Them)
It's a pretty well known fact that most women - attractive women - will happily date ugly men. We see it on TV -- in shows like King of Queens, though I would probably argue that Kevin James is kind of a stud, and really, that's exactly the point I plan on making-- and we see it in our friends.
There are plenty of studies on this strangely anti-Darwinian phenomenon - studies which I think don't answer the question as well as I, with my oh-so-steadfast opinions, can, do, and will.
So let's talk about this. Let's talk about what exactly is wrong with these conventionally attractive men, and let's talk about what is right about these, well, conventionally un-attractive men.
Anecdotal evidence aside, I know for a fact that I don't find "hot" men attractive.* Let me clarify - I find them pleasing to the eye, and every so often quite tempting, but I don't find myself actually attracted to them. And here I have to admit that I am undoubtedly judging their books by their covers, but I have yet to find the exception to the rule.
To explain: These high-school hotties are used to having the sort of unadulterated, fawning adoration that the symmetrically blessed always get in high-school, but the problem is that it doesn't do them any good. In fact, it's fair to say that it categorically does them harm.
They're trained from a young age to be (often) unjustifiably self-assured, to eschew personality and affability for cocksure confidence, and to generally treat people like the feudal system is alive and kickin'.
Am I making a sweeping generalization? No doubt. Can the same argument be used against women? Sometimes. But I find that women are much more inclined to date with their emotions - to pick a man that is funny, comforting, kind, and generous - and they'll often pick one or all of those traits over his looks.
I also have a little (and relatively untested) theory. I believe that women tend to come into themselves -- appearance-wise -- much later in school than men. And because of this I think women tend to retain some memory of what it means to be liked (or disliked) for who one is, not how one looks.
The bottom line: Ask any woman who she'd rather have as her boyfriend -- the lovably awkward Albert Brennaman (aka Kevin James -- told you he was the crux of the arugment) from Hitch, or Hugh Grant's wholly irredeemable Daniel Cleaver from Bridget Jones' Diary?
So -- let's start here. Which one would you pick? Did I just set womankind back a generation? Or do you wholly agree? Please share. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
[Disclaimer: This post should in no way indicate that my boyfriend is ugly and/or unattractive. In fact, I find him rather dashing.]
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My wife is beautiful with an awesome body and she is French with a very cute accent. That is what got me to say "hello" in the first place. But she is also incredibly intelligent, well informed, and very funny and that is who I fell in love with.
I am an average looking guy who won the lottery when it comes to my spouse. I put my wife on a pedestal and she does the same to me. While I am just average looking, I think she thinks I am the hottest thing on the planet. Before she met me, she dated a lot of really good looking guys who never treated her right. I treated (and still treat) her the way that every woman should expect to be treated by someone who loves them, with respect. In return, she fell in love with me and our love had grown ever since for the past 15 years.
So "thank you" to all the good looking jerks who came before me and made it easy for me to win her heart.
Simply marrying a French woman is like winning the lottery. (Believe me, I speak from experience).
The answer is simple. Most women deep down want to be loved, partnered, understood, bla bla bla, with a deep, loving, intelligent p-zazz ... and a Gabriel Byrne or Michael Caine or Woody Allen or Paul Giamatti is waaayy more likely to be evocative of that vibe than some 24 year old Adonis!
Especially since the odds of them competing with the men you listed whose bank accounts could buy islands in the Bahamas doesn't hurt, either.
I have actually always been attracted to the unconventional type. I like a big nose, soft guy or glasses, or curly hair. Its all about personality and chemistry. If there is chemistry then I don't care what he looks like. But I hate that pretty boy, super smooth, smelly cologne type of guy. If a guy is wearing cologne, there is not going to be any chemistry.
I've found that women who do not think they are attractive are far better lovers than women who have men fawn all over them. I've dated some women who were very pretty. They were always waiting to see what I wuld do next to please them. I find that depressing. I am not in this world to entertain anyone on a daily basis.
if that was the case then why have I been single for over 4 years now.
Girlfriend, you are too damn picky.
Just throw yourself at the next man who comes along.
That should solve your problem...and bring all new ones!
You've probably date liberal soft men... come down to the GOP side and get some conservative loving in yo life. Get at me.
Is that an innuendo for "Come down and get some long hard lovin' in yo life from this stiff man?''
I've had my share of unattractive boyfriends (when I was younger) but my husband happens to be breathtakingly gorgeous. The thing that set him apart though was his willingness to pursue me. Attractive people tend to have to work less at finding company so they dont play 'aggressor'. If he'd been beautiful and played hard to get I certainly wasnt going to chase him. He's not rich. He certainly didnt give me my own way much in the beginning and he came with a good chunk of his own 'baggage' but its his heart's desire to make me happy. He is definitely who God meant for me--I just happened to get one thats extremely easy on the eyes.
Your guy was aggressive, unyielding, and had a lot of baggage? IMHO, your choice had a LOT more to do with looks than you'd ever be willing to admit - at least initially.
Why wouldn't you chase him? Are you too good for that? Why do women think it's their right to demand a man's time in a way they would never give their time for a man? I hate women like you, you're selfish and brainwashed. Thirty plus years after the woman's movement, you expect equality when it suits you but hide behind gender roles or female weakness when it suits you as well. It says one clear thing about women, they are hypocritical opportunists who have no regard for fairness but demand it from everyone else.
If you see an ugly man with a good looking women assume that he is a wimp and/or has a lost of cash. There is no other reason for it.
I attribute it more so to his tenacity--you cant be a wimp when chasing a woman who is used to be pursued.
He probably doesn't mean wimpy as in unable to date. He almost certainly means weak willed, which is a defining characteristic of guys who feel "lucky" to get what they did. Thats exactly what the study Verena mentioned shows. Guys who feel like they did better then they deserve act in a way that strongly favors the attractive woman. I have a number of female friends who have been with guys below them for a long time and for the guy its an endless barrage of do this, lose weight, give me that ect. Not all women fully take advantage of the average guy, but many do and they certainly get away with it. What's a guy who feels he won the lottery going to do about it? Try to pick another winning 6 numbers? Or just accept the prize even if he has to pay heavy taxes on it.
This isn't to single out women of course, guys who are with someone who they come to consider themselves above in the scheme of things tend to be cheaters and jerks who wander. A woman can keep an average guy in line, feel loved and at least tell themselves they're content with settling. A guy with an average woman will often spend his life somewhere between unhappy and self destructive since they worry about being a maximizer.
Or then again, maybe she's with him because he asked.
Back when I was in school, the girl that was pretty much the "it" girl amazed everybody by getting involved with a guy that could best be described as a rather plain geek. Someone finally asked her why she was going out with "that loser" instead of one of the BMOC. Her answer? Because he was the only person that asked.
Between the guys that just assumed she would say no, and the guys that were so busy being catches themselves that they just sat back and waited for someone to come after them, no one else had asked her out. The little nerdy guy that didn't know any better did.
Call me strange or perhaps non-typical, but the twiggy-thin model type of femine appearance that passes for "the best in show beauty" has never really appealed to me. And strangely enough, on the occasions I've managed to have relationships with women that I considered to fit my personal "ideal," they've always been a disappointment somehow.
The only thing that has ever really worked for me is something that kicks in on a more fundamental and primative level--chemistry. I've always been very sensitive to the subconscious and largely unidentifiable "lock-in" effect of pheromones; I can't say that I recognize the cues that well, as it seems to start happening before I realize what is happening, and then, unless I'm already in a relationship, the train is already rolling, and there's not much chance of it slowing down.
As to the motivations of women, well, certainly there are many who are looking for pesonality traits above looks, but I've found that chemistry and money usually trump all else.
"Let us leave beautiful women to those men without imagination."—Marcel Proust
Me and my male friend are from completely different worlds. We met online (during Janet Jackson's Titty-gate) but the instant chemistry when we met physically was impossible to ignore. We easily found out we have a meeting of the minds on most things that matters to us. As for looks, I honestly couldn't say if he's conventionally attractive to other women but I think he's adorable; though he's far from ugly. Plus, he's got charisma, old fashioned chivalry with a killer smile and wit out the wazoo. (As for my looks, I try to not indulge in false modesty and most seem to find me to be attractive or "cute." I'm also a bit on the nerdy side in that regard. I can jazz myself up when need be but dislike the added attention. As such, I love being au natural and he prefers me that way.)
We're both in our late 30's now. However, we are still very close, the intimacy is still fiercely intense and I just love laughing with him.
The first time he came over for a bbq and all our friends and family noted how we couldn't stop smiling when we talked to each other and how much we liked being in each other's company.
Anywhoozle . . . my point is . . . uhm, whatever happened to good ole fashioned chemistry? That undefinable "something" that can transcend looks?
This isn't rocket science, but it may be brain surgery. Men's brains are hardwired to respond visually, whereas women have tendency to be drawn more by personality and can be literally turned on by a great sense of humor. Now, this isn't always the case re women, but have you ever heard of a straight man being attracted by a woman's personality? Uh, think not.
Uh, yes!
Yes, I think a man's sexual attraction to a woman is governed by his central nervous system whereas a woman's attraction to a man is governed by what time of the month it is (hormones). Wonder if this is behind that fairy tale of the princess kissing the frog who turns into a prince. Maybe in her eyes, eh?
Bullsh*t. Everyone reading this board has known girls/women who were not the best looking women around but who were never lacking male attention because of a certain charisma. A sweet, affectionate, outgoing, but average-looking woman will have a far more successful relationship history than a jaded, airhead supermodel every time. And the least successful woman of all? The one who thinks men are complete idiots who respond only with their eyes and penises - like you.
Part II of earlier post. These guys are smart. They treat their girlfriend/wife like a queen. Yes, their far-more-attractive female partner may be in control, but the guy gets to stop being married to the Playboy channel. It's a far trade. The attractive woman, in turn, gets a guy who kiss her ass and that she knows is very unlikely to stray or leave her. Also, when two -dare I say - "ugly", ok, less empirically attractive people meet and bond and have sex, they are BOTH done dating soon headed to the wedding chapel. They have found their proverbial "soulmate", otherwise known as the person who allowed them to stop having sex with just themselves. Nobody wants to be lonely and most people are smart enough understand where they fit in on the dating/attractiveness continuum.
That being said, money and power changes the dating equation for men, no matter their level of attractiveness. An ugly guy with a Porsche can get a hot chick who will ass his ugly ass. That's just the way life is.
The bottom line is that the more attractive you are the more choices you have in the dating pool. Smart people, not matter what level of attractiveness, figure out what works for them and make dating/marriage decisions accordingly.
Life is simple. In general, there are more hot women than men. Why? Historically, and again, in general, the path of most women lives is determined by their attractiveness, first. Whether it is high-school popularity or in college or beyond, attractive women garner more attention and have an easier time dating, etc than less attractive women. For guys, it is exactly the same way. Good looking, athletic model-like men tend to have more self-confidence, less self-doubt and a far easier, more successful experience when they are in the dating pool. Men, in general, are the aggressors what it comes to the mating game. (ie. they tend to ask women out more often than the reverse.) No matter how attractive they are, all men tend to ask out the most attractive woman they can find who will actually go out with them. Less attractive men, in general, have a more difficult time finding attractive girls/women to actually go out with them in high school/college, when everyone is broke (and money and power are not in the equation) , let alone find a girl who will have sex with them. When these average guys find a cute girl who not only will go out with them, but who actually sleeps with them, they are done dating. They, as one of the earlier poster noted, have "hit the lottery" and will do anything to avoid the loneliness and self-doubt they have felt in the past.
Some women want to be princesses and others want to be queens. Show me a super hot chick and an average looking guy (beer belly and balding) and I'll show you a relationship where he is the slave.
That's not to say that there are people out there who truly find beauty purely on the inside. It exists but it's definitely not the norm.
Now, with that said, anyone whose humor is as dry as the Sahara or lacks conversational skills will definitely be a bore (man or woman).
I tend to avoid the so-called hot guys because they are often more trouble than they are worth. If your guy is average, then you don't have to beat back other women, the man doesn't get too conceited that he is unmanageable. And, frankly, I have found that average guys are often like Avis--they try harder.
Roxanne is exactly right on the point. I made the same point a bit further down the comment line. Average guys are so worried they won't do as well as they're doing when they get a quality mate they will do anything to keep her. Guys who have confidence in themselves will often look at relationship issues in a more detached less frantic manner.
Everyone has at one point or another had a discussion which ends with "you need to change this about you or I'm going to leave". The difference between high end guys and average guys is the high end guy thinks about his prospects and in most cases will say something along the lines of "do what you want, I'm happy with who I am" while the average guy will say "anything you need me to do just tell me and I'll do it! I don't need those balls anyway, have them!". Ironically most of the time the first "do what you want" approach doesn't end with the woman leaving and lets the man maintain the higher power in the relationship while the second one leads to the way most relationships that exist today seem to play out, with the woman endlessly haranguing her "not worthy" guy. Some people just feel the need to be worshiped even if it is by a schmoe.
HuffPost's Pick
I've got a hot wife! I'm an average schmoe, decent looking, kind of short. I tell her every day how beautiful she is and she treats me the way I have always envisioned that way I wanted to be treated. Needless to say, I reciprocate by a factor of 10. She cries sometimes when she tells me how much she loves me. How did I deserve this? Don't know, don't care. I won the lottery!
Right, how big is your bank account. And if it's not big please post picuture, ever hear the saying that "beuty is in the eye of the beholder". Not to say your not being honest but claim like these appear not to be the norm.
Jealous much?
Sorry, but I will not be dragged into your cynical world, been there done that. Good luck to you!
Not the norm? I have met more good looking, hard working women that are wtih schlubs, bozos, losers, posers and wannabes than I can count. (not to say speakeasy is any of these things--I'm just saying fantastic women being with men that are less than "perfect" is a well documented phenonmon.)
Besides, I think you missed speakeasy's main point--he *adores* her, tells her so and treats her wonderfully. He could look like Quazimoto and they'd be happy forever.
I too regret your cynical world. Maybe if you tried loving a woman instead of insisting she's an opportunist or a fake you might get somewhere.
Finally, a HuffPick no one can argue with.
Cheers.
What you think you are seeing may be in the eye of the beholder. She may think that you are more gorgeous than she is. I hope so.
I have seen so many marriages go down the tubes in the ego-war of who married beneath what they think they deserved. If both think so, they can kiss the marriage goodbye, otherwise one will be the prisoner of the one who is believed to be the prettier one.
I have been married for 40 years, and I think that both my husband and I look fine and we always have....nothing spectacular, nothing freak-show either. Of course, our children are both gorgeous in our eyes.
The thing we have going is that we find the same kinds of things funny and we share outrage at the same kinds of things too. That, more than looks, is what keeps us interested in each other. He is HILARIOUS and generous and that doesn't hurt either.
I can't imagine anybody goodlooking enough to make up for 40 years of shared experiences and an interesting life together. Alan Alda once made an interesting comment about the natural ebbs and flows of any relationship, and how some people jump into divorce af the first sign of ebb. If they had hung in there, they might have been reminded of what brought them together.
How sweet!
That is the sweetest thing I have ever read online. Your wife is lucky.
No offense and there are always exceptions to the rule, but your response reads from the ideal hand of a woman's heart. In short, only a woman could write it because it's firmly in the clouds and not on the ground of life.
Sorry tyrione, I'm a dude. If you haven't found what i have, keep looking and if you don't, enjoy the search.
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