Why Women Gladly Date Ugly Men (And Probably Even Prefer Them)

It's a pretty well known fact that most women - attractive women - will happily date ugly men. We see it on TV -- in shows like King of Queens, though I would probably argue that Kevin James is kind of a stud, and really, that's exactly the point I plan on making-- and we see it in our friends.

There are plenty of studies on this strangely anti-Darwinian phenomenon - studies which I think don't answer the question as well as I, with my oh-so-steadfast opinions, can, do, and will.

So let's talk about this. Let's talk about what exactly is wrong with these conventionally attractive men, and let's talk about what is right about these, well, conventionally un-attractive men.

Anecdotal evidence aside, I know for a fact that I don't find "hot" men attractive.* Let me clarify - I find them pleasing to the eye, and every so often quite tempting, but I don't find myself actually attracted to them. And here I have to admit that I am undoubtedly judging their books by their covers, but I have yet to find the exception to the rule.

To explain: These high-school hotties are used to having the sort of unadulterated, fawning adoration that the symmetrically blessed always get in high-school, but the problem is that it doesn't do them any good. In fact, it's fair to say that it categorically does them harm.

They're trained from a young age to be (often) unjustifiably self-assured, to eschew personality and affability for cocksure confidence, and to generally treat people like the feudal system is alive and kickin'.

Am I making a sweeping generalization? No doubt. Can the same argument be used against women? Sometimes. But I find that women are much more inclined to date with their emotions - to pick a man that is funny, comforting, kind, and generous - and they'll often pick one or all of those traits over his looks.

I also have a little (and relatively untested) theory. I believe that women tend to come into themselves -- appearance-wise -- much later in school than men. And because of this I think women tend to retain some memory of what it means to be liked (or disliked) for who one is, not how one looks.

The bottom line: Ask any woman who she'd rather have as her boyfriend -- the lovably awkward Albert Brennaman (aka Kevin James -- told you he was the crux of the arugment) from Hitch, or Hugh Grant's wholly irredeemable Daniel Cleaver from Bridget Jones' Diary?

So -- let's start here. Which one would you pick? Did I just set womankind back a generation? Or do you wholly agree? Please share. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[Disclaimer: This post should in no way indicate that my boyfriend is ugly and/or unattractive. In fact, I find him rather dashing.]

Comments

[BP]

Women's good looks serves a vital evolutionary purpose, while men's not nearly as much.

The notion of "good looks" is roughly the average facial/body features. So good looks statistically convey overall decent (if perhaps mediocre on some aspects) genes. It may not be extraordinary, but it's statistically stable and makes a safe bet -- the average.

Evolutionarily, it's much more important for the women to be genetically stable then for men. Men's evolutionary function is to mutate and explore possibilities. If they end up with a bad mutation, they fail and die, no harm done. But women's evolutionary function is to provide genetic coherence and stability. And the number of women is the bottleneck for population growth and survival.

[Isaco525]

As a guy, I realize this blog is not posing a question to me, yet I'd like to weigh in anyway.

The thing that makes women initially attracted to men is something totally intangible; a combination of an infinity of subtle factors (see below comments), looks being only one of many. But after the initial attraction, commitment is easier for women. In other words, it's a little tougher for the ugly guy to get through the door, but it's easy for him to stay inside (which if he's unattractive, he'll probably be happy to do). This is why you see a lot of beautiful women with physically unattractive men.

However, for men the initial attraction is the easy part; if your hot and reasonably cool we're into you. By the same token, though, a man's choice of a serious girlfriend or wife is based on the same infinitum of subtle factors as is a woman's initial attraction, looks being only one factor of many. In other words, for a cute girl it's easy to get through the door, but her looks alone won't keep her inside. This is why you see a lot of attractive men with ugly wives.

[ShakeYourComplacency]

Verena, what the hell are you talking about?

Are you saying Kevin in King of Queens is not "cocksure?" Are you telling me he's one of the guys you describe as "affable?" Oh come on. These leading men in sitcoms today are the opposite of what you're describing. And why wouldn't they be? These shows are written by men. It's the ugly guy's fantasy to have the gorgeous girl. And certainly it's the overbearing, and even sexist guy's fantasy. THAT'S why there are shows like King of Queens on tv, not because as you claim, most women prefer these men.

And it doesn't stop with actual live actors. The adult animated comedies are the same way. Have you watched "Family Guy" or "American Dad?" The men in these shows are big selfish jerks, and the wives are agreeable and complacent (and hot). The fat, lazy husband on "Family Guy" actually responded to his wife's desire to get a job with "This isn't the 70's Lois."

So Verena, I can't answer your question about if you set women back a generation. Only you can answer that. But all I can say if is you can't even SEE the problem how can you fix the problem?

And btw the one part I do agree with you on is that women like kind, generous men. They may or may not marry them, but they do like them. We all do.

[Burzootie]

"It's a pretty well known fact that most women - attractive women - will happily date ugly men. We see it on TV...." Huh? I saw an infant talking about buying stock on TV theo other day, is that now also a fact?

"There are plenty of studies on this strangely anti-Darwinian phenomenon - studies which I think don't answer the question as well as I, with my oh-so-steadfast opinions, can..." Of course. Empirical evidence and the rigors of peer reviewed science can't hold a candle to armchair psychology.

"to eschew personality and affability­..." Why eschew personality when you can create your own entirely by watching and impersonating characters and episodes of Sex and the City. I assume she's joking here, but I still can't explain why I hate Verena's little diary entries so much, other than to say that I think she looks at these issues, and, it seems, the whole of experience, as products to be exchanged. Her ideas are like handbags; her opinions, toys. False consciousness, false consciousness, false consciousness.

[Isaco525]

What's false about her consciousness? That it's not yours?

[Isaco525]

She's not talking about Kevin James in King of Queens. She's talking about his character, Albert Brennaman, in Hitch. I can see you've been eager to make this point though, and you have done so successfully.

[ArmchairPatriot]

I don't know if I agree with this blog because I know in my case it's not true. I have a male friend who spiritually and intellectually stimulates me and makes me laugh like no other human being I have ever encountered, he'd be perfect for me IF he were more attractive. Since he is not attractive I am not interested in him romantically in the least bit. Why? It's obvious isn't it? If someone is not physically attractive I can't make love to that person. Maybe that's shallow, but it is what it is and I'm not going to lie about it.

Maybe woman who are insecure with their looks are attracted to ugly men, and I am sure there are some exceptions where pretty woman who like ugly guys, I'm just not one of them.

[Mark701]

Well, you at least get an "A" for honesty.

[chaz]

Exactly! It's nice to know there are still honest woman out there.

[desthmoneses]

Good for you for being honest, conversely though I'm a pretty good looking guy who doesn't always gor for generically attractive women, my closest friends have confided that my current girlfriend isnt all that attactive by most mens standards, but to me she's a knockout who's beauty makes my heart race. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, there are no exception, your idea of beauty is some one elses normal or ugly. I've known girls who get excited over plump guys and I've known guys who only like plain girls. I don't think theirs anyone on this planet who won't find some one who thinks their attractive, heck even George Bush got married.

[freshfunk5]

Yes, don't we all learn this in high school? I know I did.

[Tyrione]

You're the exception to the rule as my mother was with her choices. However, you steered clear of finances. Now if you added that no matter how large his wallet I couldn't get past a handshake with him I'd have to ask if you new my mother.

[ShimeyShimey]

Actually, in some cases ugly men can be the most arrogant.

[desthmoneses]

Some women respond positively to arrogance.

[ShimeyShimey]

It's because hot men know that they're hot and usually have a way of reminding their wives or girlfriends of that fact quite often, which in turn, drives more women away from so-called hot men. Ugly men are more humble, as are ugly women. The difference is, ugly men can use money to lure in women, and ugly women, well, they're just screwed, and got dealt a bad hand of genetics. Nature is cruel. Get used to it.

[desthmoneses]

Please, plain, ugly, and fat women are just as sexually active as the rest of the population, looks aside a penis is a penis and a vagina is a vagina. Not everyone needs to feel lust in order to have sex, if that was the case how would our ancestors without deodorant and razors have had sex, keep in mind the women would have had mustaches and hairy legs and the men would have smelled like lead pencils and had calusses like rocks.

[WoodyCPM]

That is exactly correct. Plain, ugly and fat in no way bars anyone from having sex! Yes, what you said! All of these people's heads are way way to conditioned and controlled by what's in the media.

[GeneralJones]

How about this:

If smart, educated, funny, capable, ugly, fat guys would just eat less and excercise more--then they'd be in like Flynn so long as their "ugly" doesn't approach carnival levels. Many, or at least "a bunch", of fat people are overweight for psychological reasons (fear of intimacy, for one) and/or are mired in depression and laziness. Needless to say, all of these very common mental issues work to undermine the self-confidence factor. (Which is surely--along with just trying to be yourself--the most important pick-up characteri­stic.) It's not fool-proof, however. Nobody likes a self-confident jackass.)

[DrMHW]

Corollary: Really good looking 30-something guys are too busy working out, mountain biking and keeping up with all their other self-involved routines to have time for a confident woman. They do get women, but only the kind who are comfortable playing second fiddle to the health club.

[epictetus]

I can't agree with this. Unless your idea of a hot guy is some musclehead with greasy hair and a fake tan. Most people don't need to spend more than an hour each day on staying really fit. Get changed, go running for twenty minutes, take a quick shower and change again. And you're done. OK, lift some weights a few times a week too if you want big muscles.

I'm not saying it's easy to get motivated to exercise every day, but it's far from impossible to stay fit and live a rich life with many commitments. I would never expect a woman I was dating to"play second fiddle" to the health club. I've always found that I'm happier and more productive when I'm getting exercise anyway. I have more energy to put in to everything, including relationships.

[OtayPanky]

Here's a different poppsych spin - just as useless:

Beautiful women are shallow and narcissistic because they've been idolized for their beauty. They pick ugly men so that they'll always be the one ogled when they are out together as a couple.

And - btw - white people are hard working.

[ShimeyShimey]

I agree.

[conservatoire]

Realizing that the above column is somewhat satiric, as a reasonably unattractive guy, I find that I have never been that romantically interested in the beauty queen type. I find many "attractive" women to be vacuous, emotionally imbalanced, and virtually impossible to spend more than a few hours with before I have had enough. This includes the majority of women on television, some of whom I have met, and frankly, it holds true.

If a woman is intelligent, with a good sense of humor, and has a balanced view of herself and the world around her, and is able to laugh at herself (and me as well when I act like an idiot -- which happens more than I would like to admit) this is far more "attractive" than a woman who tries to look like a barbie doll.

Just my 2 cents...

[Manuel]

Shallow people cultivate relationships for a variety of shallow reasons.

Manuel

[Rendon76]

I always wondered why beautiful girls would want to f*#@ Tony Soprano as I watched the series.

[ArmchairPatriot]

That's different, Tony Soprano may have been ugly but he was a tough guy with power and to a lot of woman think tough guys with power are sexy. Well, from at distance at least ;)

[EbonBear]

Also, he had a fair bit of cash and could have you whacked if you turned him down.

[EdCoughlin]

By and large there are other less admirable reasons women prefer ugly men. The first is quite simply, a lack of holistically attractive choices. Lets be clear, there are a lot more top tier women then there are top tier men. Compare the number of "hot" women with "hot" men in film, popular culture or your local hangout (not counting gay men). There are far more top tier female choices then male ones which is a big part of why women are more likely to fight over a man (since there are so few good ones) while men will more often move on to other women. Women give up dashing (and most likely hard to keep) type A winners for lovable losers they can control.

This occurs at the same time as the type A winners bounce from attractive woman to attractive woman in control of the relationship. Its not a coincidence that a lot of the high end guys have been divorced several times as they move on to greener pastures if they even get married at all. Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Matthew McConaughey, Richard Gere and even John McCain have all switched repeatedly to other often younger women. By picking a winner women give up the stability they can force out of a loser. Its not that women prefer lame guys, rather its that there are so many women that some accept lame guys since its so hard to hold onto a good one.

[BillLumbergh]

Uh, Hollywood isn't the real world.

[WoodyCPM]

"Lets be clear, there are a lot more top tier women then there are top tier men."...

Beauty, Ed, is in the eye of the beholder.

"Top tier"? What kind of blarney is that? You watch too much television.

[EdCoughlin]

Quite simply there are a lot more women that are considered very datable then men. If you go into a situation where there are a large number of both men and women there are far more women who are considered attractive by men then men who are considered attractive by women.

I don't mean top tier as in top of the TV ladder, I mean top tier as in are very desirable to most members of the opposite sex.

This is compounded by the number of categories men need to perform in to be exceptional. To be exceptional men usually need to be at least most of the following (or really really rich) attractive, tall (5'11 minimum), at least relatively fit (under 200 pounds unless they are athletic), above average intelligence, well off for their age group (which correlates with the previous intelligence requirement) and sociable. Women on the other hand need to be attractive and not retarded (actually the not retarded requirement has apparently been removed since Jessica Simpson is clearly retarded and yet perennially on the top 100 most attractive women list). This large number of attractive women relative to ideal men leads to what real estate agents would call a buyers market that only contracts more and more the older people get in favor of men. Thats why a lot of otherwise quality women take less then ideal guys just to not have to keep looking for that perfect set up.

[WoodyCPM]

Peel the paint, the lacquer, the goo, the shellac off most women and they all look pretty darn plain. What you're looking at, certainly in the media, books, magazines, TV, movies, the ads, oh the ads...is the result of paint, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipstick, gloss, blush, blowdry, teasing, and on and on. Most women have to do a lot to look "attractive". Look in nature, it's the male that's more naturally the pretty one. The ancient Greeks again were right, about everything.

[ShakeYourComplacency]

Sorry Woody, but that's the classic gay man's argument. And yeah, I guess you'd think the Greeks had it right (wink wink). Women are not only basically good looking, but they also age well. While men get bald, pot bellies, stretched ears, hairs growing in places, and loss of libido, ...the silver haired women continue to shine. And btw in nature, the reason the males are often flamboyant, for example with birds, is because they want to be chosen by the females. And the girls want attractive mates.

[noname0]

whatever.

girls tend to over-think these things...

but she's still a cute blogger, so who cares?

[ramal]

Now for the reverse of the coin. What about handsome men who marry dowdy, fat wifes. Or do the women just become that way after a few years of marriage and a few children? When I lived in Salt Lake City I seemed to see a lot of this.

[WoodyCPM]

There's a lot of that. Go down south. You'll find all these just drop dead gorgeous men, real studs, and they're married to the frumpiest, plainest, thick looking things. It's called "momma.." That's what most boys do, they grow up to marry their mother. The Greeks were right about everything.

[wyomingrev]

"Thick looking THINGS?" Nice.

[terril]

Ok, maybe not all ugly men, esp. those who understandably have self-confidence issues, but having dated both gorgeous and average looking men, I've found that looks don't matter much when I am really in love and I loved the latter. I appreciate looking at a good-looking man, but it doesn't mean anything. And I don't even find the 'pretty boys', a la Rob Lowe, the least bit attractive - not sufficiently masculine. Therein lies another truth (at least for some of us) : not just traits like kindness or sensitivity, but a masculinity and character that's not always compatible with plastic good looks, something women sense.

[Tyrione]

No competition, they have big wallets and they will kiss their asses. That about sums it up.

[BillLumbergh]

Precisely right.
Pretty women like boring, unattractive guys who will give them all of their money and do whatever they desire.
Let's not pretend that women are morally superior to men, they know how to get what they want.

[WoodyCPM]

The level of misandry that goes on in this culture, the degree of sexism in nearly every capacity directed at men, is fairly appalling. This notion that women are morally superior to men is just one of the ways in which this is true. It's hogwash. They aren't.

[WoodyCPM]

I think you're on to something here Tyrione.