Why Women Gladly Date Ugly Men (And Probably Even Prefer Them)

It's a pretty well known fact that most women - attractive women - will happily date ugly men. We see it on TV -- in shows like King of Queens, though I would probably argue that Kevin James is kind of a stud, and really, that's exactly the point I plan on making-- and we see it in our friends.

There are plenty of studies on this strangely anti-Darwinian phenomenon - studies which I think don't answer the question as well as I, with my oh-so-steadfast opinions, can, do, and will.

So let's talk about this. Let's talk about what exactly is wrong with these conventionally attractive men, and let's talk about what is right about these, well, conventionally un-attractive men.

Anecdotal evidence aside, I know for a fact that I don't find "hot" men attractive.* Let me clarify - I find them pleasing to the eye, and every so often quite tempting, but I don't find myself actually attracted to them. And here I have to admit that I am undoubtedly judging their books by their covers, but I have yet to find the exception to the rule.

To explain: These high-school hotties are used to having the sort of unadulterated, fawning adoration that the symmetrically blessed always get in high-school, but the problem is that it doesn't do them any good. In fact, it's fair to say that it categorically does them harm.

They're trained from a young age to be (often) unjustifiably self-assured, to eschew personality and affability for cocksure confidence, and to generally treat people like the feudal system is alive and kickin'.

Am I making a sweeping generalization? No doubt. Can the same argument be used against women? Sometimes. But I find that women are much more inclined to date with their emotions - to pick a man that is funny, comforting, kind, and generous - and they'll often pick one or all of those traits over his looks.

I also have a little (and relatively untested) theory. I believe that women tend to come into themselves -- appearance-wise -- much later in school than men. And because of this I think women tend to retain some memory of what it means to be liked (or disliked) for who one is, not how one looks.

The bottom line: Ask any woman who she'd rather have as her boyfriend -- the lovably awkward Albert Brennaman (aka Kevin James -- told you he was the crux of the arugment) from Hitch, or Hugh Grant's wholly irredeemable Daniel Cleaver from Bridget Jones' Diary?

So -- let's start here. Which one would you pick? Did I just set womankind back a generation? Or do you wholly agree? Please share. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[Disclaimer: This post should in no way indicate that my boyfriend is ugly and/or unattractive. In fact, I find him rather dashing.]

Comments

[JaneaneTheAcerbicGoblin]

And, Vereena, just because you say "I've made a sweeping generalization" doesn't excuse you from doing it. If you knew it was a sweeping generalization (most of this article is full of them), then you shouldn't used it in the first place.

Keep stuff like this for the tabloids and TV chat shows.

[rini]

I agree, Janeane

and personally, I find ugly men, well......ugly. What is she saying about women? Is it because women are powerless and need a man to support them? I am sick of the obese sloppy man who gets a good-looking woman idea. It should not be the norm.

I exercise and take care of myself. I expect my spouse to do the same.

[RoloTomassi]

Well, there's nothing wrong with that attitude, until there is; take it from one who lived in that mindset for many years, only to find that issues completely out of my control took the ability to maintian my body in the manner I was so adamant about.

It's a great attitude for the young and the healthy; pray that you stay that way, and even more so, that you have anything to say about the matter.

[The5thW]

It gets back to my simple 90/10 rule: if 90% of the people on earth did something one way for 90% of the time, and 10% did something else, you go with the 90% as having the greater accumulated wisdom. In this case, obviously for some decades now that we've studied and engaged other cultures: partners chosen for us by wise elders or skilled matchmakers.

[JaneaneTheAcerbicGoblin]

This article is really pop pyschology, pseudo-intellectual babble.

If you want some truth as to why men and women get together, watch the films of Catherine Breilliat or watch Ingmar Bergman's Scenes from a Marriage, not f***ing King of Queens.

I'm from NYC, and I don't see ugly men with good looking women or vice versa.

[JaneaneTheAcerbicGoblin]

One must keep in mind that King of Queens is a fictional show, the creation of a distorted writer's mind and should not be treated with any more significance.

[tnrc75]

I get tired of hearing all these posts about how "ugly men" are liked, and perhaps even preferred, by women. I don't see it. Lots of female friends (who, oh so conveniently are already taken) have told me that I, as a self-identified ugly man, am an attractive man for some woman. I'm a nice guy, a good listener, have a very good sense of humor. I don't have bad breath, I have a few extra pounds. But yet, I'm single and 33. I get out and about. I'm a friendly guy....but all these women who I knew all somehow weren't interested in me. Supposedly I'm attractive or a good catch to women but it seems a lot of women say one thing but actually actually just want a nice looking guy. And I know other nice guys who are also single. It seems too many women just like assholes.

[DatelessNerd]

As a single, 47-year old intellectual, I can honestly say that I've never lost a woman to a guy who was more intelligent, more considerate, or had a better sense of humor.

And I doubt I ever will.

[robbiep]

Interesting discussion.

I am an incredibly amazingly perfect male specimen...and would much rather be that than a dumb meathead....even if we attract different kinds of women. The reason is that I love myself. The meathead guys often don't...and have lots of mommy issues, abusive tendencies, self esteem issues etc.

[SteveStephens]

If i had a dollar for everytime a saw an attractive very cool woman with depth and personality dating a complete fuckhead, I would have $10,000 in the bank. I chalk it up to biology helping propagate the species.

[JasonQuiggleGivesaDamn]

Biology and evolution seem to be moving towards bigger brains in humans, not breasts- how do you explain that 50 thousand year old trend?

[realitycheck7]

unfortunately this is not at all true

Look at every couple you see on the street

if you pay attention, over time you will notice a pattern

the vast majority of couples are at or very close to the same level of physical attractiveness

the King of Queens is a TV show, real life is far more..... real

[JasonQuiggleGivesaDamn]

Maybe it is just Seattle, but I'm regularly surprised ( having grown up in Vegas, the polar opposite) and pleased to see far more unevenly attractive couples walking the streets. Many very hot girls with "how'd he end up with her?!" and vice versa couples. Perhaps it's because we Seattlites are the smartest Americans, not sure but i think that has something to do with it. The couple ion king of queens DOES seem more realistic to me, but then again i don't live in LA or Vegas anymore. Interestingly, in my experiences in the midwest the same could be said- the varying physical differences between the members of couples was quite diverse. Anyways, enjoy your stupid fantasy that the world is as glamorous as you think your are.

[freshfunk5]

Seattle: Home of Microsoft and Amazon and a bunch of wealthy people. Just a guess?

[situationcritical]

I've only dated goodlooking men. What's my problem?

[didzter]

harlot!

=P

[JasonQuiggleGivesaDamn]

Ask those good looking men I'm sure they know. :-D

[ArmchairPatriot]

Oh jeez.....

[Hare]

When a person is born deaf the brain compensates by developing other ways to cope and deal with the environment. When a person born is considered nonattractive by the standards of a particular society the same thing happens. In the western world an unattractive person tends to develop personality, intelligence, humor, wit, compassion and many other compensatory traits that will help in his/her survival and how to deal with a hostile environment.

The terms dumb blond or jock refers to those that are attractive and nothing else. Attractive people have and edge while in their youth but a nonattractive one can make him/herself so enticing (through life) by positioning him/herself in such a way, the attractive one will run to become his/her mate and make better looking babies for the following generation. When two attractives join forces their babies might be attractive but if they don't have anything else up there, their relationship is in peril because eventually they become old and wrinkle and if they didn't develop anything else through life they will not be able to handle the change. Their babies may be lacking qualities that will eventually tell others this person is not interesting at all.

[situationcritical]

Then there are people with beauty, money, brains, wisdom and mad skills. And believe me, they're not losing sleep over you.

[lotusfalls]

Who are so few and far between, who gives a fuck? You seem really stressed about this article... Do you feel that your rich, beautiful, brainy, talented ego with its equally attractive and gifted boyfriend is threatened?

[JasonQuiggleGivesaDamn]

Most "attractive" girls i know are so tired of boring disrespectful "attractive" guys that they seek someone who will appreciate them, and treat them with respect, as something special. Psychology says (outside of a perverse society) women are turned on by what they feel, men by what they see. Do the math. My wife, who i have always felt was out of my league looks wise ( as have been most of the women in my life) says that very early on in high school she soon found that the "hot" guys were boring idiots who were disrespectful. And for the sexists on this thread calling out women as whores- which is exactly what you are doing when you say a woman goes out with an unattractive guy for just money, i think you miss the point and perhaps you are bitter you cannot pick up a girl based on your looks or your money/skills because your personality is repellent- as most of your posts have confirmed. Also, i think there is something to be said for the less attractive mate working hard to perform well not just in the bedroom but over all. That is to say confidence and projection of inherent power, eagerness to please, ambition- these things will always out-trump superficial good looks and the apparent laziness such attractiveness seems to breed in men.

[MrWebster]

Gawd, another Maureen Dawd inspired bs post. Poor women, why do they do go beneath themselves and why didn't Bill Clinton offer to screw me. Here is the reality. Women do date ugly men if they are rich or famous. The good looking babe down the street ain't gonna date the great ugly guy with the great personality.

[redstateleroy]

In American TV actresses are chosen 95% of the time for their beauty. In traditional analog TV the camera loves anorexic thinness. Actors are chosen for talent. Many have long comedic or dramatic careers and are thus often much older than their screen wife counterpart.

I lived in Korea for a year and watched a lot of Korean TV then and do so now via the internet for language practice purposes. In Korean TV the situation is reversed. Actors are chosen for looks; often a popular teen idol model will have a couple of hit songs created and marketing for him . Then he'll star in a series of Korean novela dramas. All under the close control of one of the three media oligarchies. The actor will carefully craft a "look" which often involves a distinctive hair style and clothing and from which he never deviates. For a westerner it's weird to see a man with long, perfectly coiffed, often dyed hair (there is only one natural hair color in Korea) wearing the same clothes in every scene--and every drama.

Actresses on the other hand are chosen for skill. They often look very plain, especially in HD. Breast augmentation, lip collagening and the like are very rare. And the most common plot is a plain girl from a modest family getting the handsome guy from a rich family despite the insidious meddling of the male hero's family.

Actresses on the o

[Jazzylady26]

Are white people really this weird or is it just me?

[zitlight73]

I'm white and evidently they are. They see something and t.v. and they assume that's the way it is. in real life. That explains alot of things, unfortunately.

[JasonQuiggleGivesaDamn]

It's true...

[partyofone]

Decide Hillary! You want the whites or not.

[dstanley]

Consider the following:

A couple of boys are hanging out on a street corner. A good looking girl walks by. One of the guys turns to the other and says with a sneer, "I hate her! She's so STUCK UP!"

Do you think the girl is really stuck up? Or maybe it's the guy's insecurities getting the better of him? If you change the gender of everyone in that little story do you think you really change anything? Sure, some people are arrogant, but that has more to do with how their parents raised them. This "good looking people are all snobs" sounds more like insecurity to me.

[situationcritical]

In that story, the guy is obviously in love with his ultra-straight (but bendable) buddy who was looking at the girl. It's the first thing you do to deflect attention away from the girl and get your bud to slide up next to you.