Why Women Gladly Date Ugly Men (And Probably Even Prefer Them)

It's a pretty well known fact that most women - attractive women - will happily date ugly men. We see it on TV -- in shows like King of Queens, though I would probably argue that Kevin James is kind of a stud, and really, that's exactly the point I plan on making-- and we see it in our friends.

There are plenty of studies on this strangely anti-Darwinian phenomenon - studies which I think don't answer the question as well as I, with my oh-so-steadfast opinions, can, do, and will.

So let's talk about this. Let's talk about what exactly is wrong with these conventionally attractive men, and let's talk about what is right about these, well, conventionally un-attractive men.

Anecdotal evidence aside, I know for a fact that I don't find "hot" men attractive.* Let me clarify - I find them pleasing to the eye, and every so often quite tempting, but I don't find myself actually attracted to them. And here I have to admit that I am undoubtedly judging their books by their covers, but I have yet to find the exception to the rule.

To explain: These high-school hotties are used to having the sort of unadulterated, fawning adoration that the symmetrically blessed always get in high-school, but the problem is that it doesn't do them any good. In fact, it's fair to say that it categorically does them harm.

They're trained from a young age to be (often) unjustifiably self-assured, to eschew personality and affability for cocksure confidence, and to generally treat people like the feudal system is alive and kickin'.

Am I making a sweeping generalization? No doubt. Can the same argument be used against women? Sometimes. But I find that women are much more inclined to date with their emotions - to pick a man that is funny, comforting, kind, and generous - and they'll often pick one or all of those traits over his looks.

I also have a little (and relatively untested) theory. I believe that women tend to come into themselves -- appearance-wise -- much later in school than men. And because of this I think women tend to retain some memory of what it means to be liked (or disliked) for who one is, not how one looks.

The bottom line: Ask any woman who she'd rather have as her boyfriend -- the lovably awkward Albert Brennaman (aka Kevin James -- told you he was the crux of the arugment) from Hitch, or Hugh Grant's wholly irredeemable Daniel Cleaver from Bridget Jones' Diary?

So -- let's start here. Which one would you pick? Did I just set womankind back a generation? Or do you wholly agree? Please share. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[Disclaimer: This post should in no way indicate that my boyfriend is ugly and/or unattractive. In fact, I find him rather dashing.]

Comments

[873450]

" ... I find that women are much more inclined to date with their emotions - to pick a man that is funny, comforting, kind, and generous - and they'll often pick one or all of those traits over his looks."

The key word here is "generous" as in very, very, very generous.

A guy can be old, fat, bald, ugly, unfunny, uncomforting and unkind, but as long as he has lots of things and is generous with them, 99.9% of women will be attracted to him. Her selection has nothing to do with emotion and everything to do with Darwinism. The old, fat, bald, ugly, but generous wealthy guy is more likely to provide a safe, comfortable, nurturing environment to ensure survival of her offspring. Present day society's legal structure requires him to remain generous after death. So if she's lucky, the fat, old, bald, ugly jerk will expire shortly after offspring are conceived.

[zackmango]

Which reminds me of a quote I read once:
"Wherever there are wealthy men trying not to feel old, you'll find beautiful women trying not to feel poor."
Not that I would ever condone gold diggers (spit, hiss, etc)...

[CarbonDate]

This would be interesting, were it true. In reality, most people tend to marry people who are closer to their own level of physical attractiveness, which means that if a woman is dating an ugly man, then she's probably an ugly woman.

Beautiful women do not, as a rule, marry ugly men unless those men have lots of money. The reverse also applies. There are exceptions, but that is what those are: exceptions to the rule.

[partyofone]

Please link to the research findings on this. Never a good Idea to express opinion as fact.

[ArmchairPatriot]

You could do a search on Huffington Post, I believe the article about woman preferring mates who are closer to their own level of physical attractiveness that CarbonDate is referring to was posted on this website. It's never a good idea to jump the gun, either.

[RussT]

I live in Los Angeles. Good Looking women here only date good looking/rich men here.

the ugly men (like myself) get drunk at the bars.

[LaurieLee]

I have two gorgeous friends who adore brilliant, funny, odd looking men.

I have a couple of very attractive friends with UGLY husbands who are astoundingly rich.

There are different reasons some attractive women are found with ugly guys.

[frank1569]

What a total crock of shit. And I should know - I'm ugly, but I have a sculpted bod, an awesome sense of humor (that pays the rent,) a brilliant mind, and a solid character rarely found in today's man.

Women gladly date me - ugly ones, fat ones, and ones that believe the CIA is implanting chips up our asses and using brain zapping to control us.

Women only date ugly men on TV - and even there, rarely - because women are in charge of most TV programming. It's also why most of the ugly men women date on TV are morons.

[GrandpaMcCain]

However, you're apparently lacking in modesty.

[TimT]

Verena's thesis on why women date ugly men is based on a painfully weak argument, that handsome guys are "trained from a young age to be unjustifiably self-assured" so women have learned to avoid these guys She says women don't fall into this trap since they "pick a man that is funny, comforting, kind, and generous. "

It's heartwarming to think that women are so deep and altruistic in their choice of partners. Except of course it isn't true. It is true women don't equate beauty with desirability as much as guys. But both sexes are aware of the unspoken pecking order that rules the world.

A woman will generally choose the mate who is higher on the status ladder, same as a man. It's just that the pecking order women use to grade men puts more emphasis on success and money.

Verena also doesn't acknowledge the fact that women of beauty tend to be defined by that more than men. A pretty woman can go through life being like the rest of us. But for a woman who gets a lot of attention, it's hard not to be a total princess. The wind has always been at her back and that gets to be an expectation.

[ReelBusy]

Smart + Funny = Sexy (to me anyway)

[gerontion72]

You didn't address whether these unconventional men also have money.

[jedonspring]

Many times a person who is just average but has a great and funny personality morphs into a much better looking person. I think it's called sex appeal!

[sparkey]

This must mean that a lot of women would want me to date then since I unfortunately have a radio face. Although, I am fairly well off. I never got married.

[singermuse]

I use the term "unconventional" because I believe that MOST if not ALL people have there own beauty, warts and all! To use the term "ugly" is to make an arbitrary judgment on an individual or a group of people. In my book there are NO ugly appearing people, just some ignorant people who'd like to put people in boxes and call them "ugly" or "attractive" or "FAT" or "THIN" or any other number of adjectives. Beauty is in the eye (and heart and mind) of the beholder. Our current pseudo culture is far too hung up on a very narrow criteria of what we will be TOLD is beautiful.­..bullsh*t­!
In this world there are so many different kinds, sizes, colors, shapes of people....the beauty of them all staggers me! If we have the eyes to see, then we can see beauty everywhere. If we are narrow in our perspective then we can't.

[Flick08]

Date a few good looking guys for fun but settle down with someone more average looking. You'll be treated better and consequently have a better life.

[brizzle]

For men, beauty is the most attractive quality in a woman; for women, it's all about personality. It's really that simple, but be careful applying this generalization to all situtations. It is, of course, only a generalization...

[rpahk]

Much the same can be said about the personalities, or lack thereof', for stunningly beautiful women. They are used to being fawned over and treated like trophies so they never learn other interpersonal skills. An average or above looking woman with smarts and personality is much more appealing long term. I am reminded of the old and totally non-PC expression: the definition of a '10' is any '5' you are in bed with. Skills in that department more than make up for superficial, physical attributes. Plus it's nice to have someone to talk to before and after.

[JudgeCrater]

Once you get beyond the facade, a good sense of humor coupled to a strong sense of self is highly attractive. There are plenty of pretty people out there who are pretty empty as well.