Why Women Gladly Date Ugly Men (And Probably Even Prefer Them)

It's a pretty well known fact that most women - attractive women - will happily date ugly men. We see it on TV -- in shows like King of Queens, though I would probably argue that Kevin James is kind of a stud, and really, that's exactly the point I plan on making-- and we see it in our friends.

There are plenty of studies on this strangely anti-Darwinian phenomenon - studies which I think don't answer the question as well as I, with my oh-so-steadfast opinions, can, do, and will.

So let's talk about this. Let's talk about what exactly is wrong with these conventionally attractive men, and let's talk about what is right about these, well, conventionally un-attractive men.

Anecdotal evidence aside, I know for a fact that I don't find "hot" men attractive.* Let me clarify - I find them pleasing to the eye, and every so often quite tempting, but I don't find myself actually attracted to them. And here I have to admit that I am undoubtedly judging their books by their covers, but I have yet to find the exception to the rule.

To explain: These high-school hotties are used to having the sort of unadulterated, fawning adoration that the symmetrically blessed always get in high-school, but the problem is that it doesn't do them any good. In fact, it's fair to say that it categorically does them harm.

They're trained from a young age to be (often) unjustifiably self-assured, to eschew personality and affability for cocksure confidence, and to generally treat people like the feudal system is alive and kickin'.

Am I making a sweeping generalization? No doubt. Can the same argument be used against women? Sometimes. But I find that women are much more inclined to date with their emotions - to pick a man that is funny, comforting, kind, and generous - and they'll often pick one or all of those traits over his looks.

I also have a little (and relatively untested) theory. I believe that women tend to come into themselves -- appearance-wise -- much later in school than men. And because of this I think women tend to retain some memory of what it means to be liked (or disliked) for who one is, not how one looks.

The bottom line: Ask any woman who she'd rather have as her boyfriend -- the lovably awkward Albert Brennaman (aka Kevin James -- told you he was the crux of the arugment) from Hitch, or Hugh Grant's wholly irredeemable Daniel Cleaver from Bridget Jones' Diary?

So -- let's start here. Which one would you pick? Did I just set womankind back a generation? Or do you wholly agree? Please share. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[Disclaimer: This post should in no way indicate that my boyfriend is ugly and/or unattractive. In fact, I find him rather dashing.]

Comments

[Sundialsvc4]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Thank God.

No, I really mean that: "Thank You!"

[Andrew]

That last hypothetical was poorly chosen: Hugh Grant is a shambling, scrawny, weak excuse for a man.

[swoosie1]

I see attractive women with ugly men all the time and as a woman it is sort of comforting and validating to know that women are just not as shallow as men are. You really see this in the lesbian communities where women are into other women for many other reasons than just sex. Women have something that men don't have when it comes to this--they are typically looking for someone who makes them laugh.

[realityisbetter]

It is the same for women. Both sexes are conditioned by the treatment they receive. All good looking people of both sexes find it easier to get what they want, and are often treated much better than their less better looking counterparts by strangers.

A hot women has every man around her falling all over themselves to help her or just to get her attention. She will be more likely to be hired for a job. She tends to think most people are really nice, as opposed to the reality they aren't, because they are always smiling and pretending to be so nice to her. A fat ugly girl will not be treated the same way. She will see people more for who the really are because they aren't trying to put on their best face for her. She won't find it as easy to get the job, or whatever she wants in general. The doors don't open before her as easily.

It's the same for both sexes as far as personality turnout due to priot treatment. But there is a difference in the reasons they pick their partners. Men definitely weigh looks higher than women do as a qualification.

[AnHonestAnswer]

I am so bored of blogging. Enough already.

Thank you.

[cbm17]

let's not draw any conclusions from a TV show now!!! I think that looks are somewhat important to women, but not as important as they are to men. Sadly, what women often are all too interested in is money...and thus the best looking women often end up with complete assholes who also are not good looking, but rich.

the idea that all good looking men are used to being fawned over is total BS- just as there are plenty of beautiful women that aren't totally spoiled rotten.

[amanda85]

That's easily explained, at least from my point of view. I'm a rather attractive girl, I can see that basically every man would want to sleep with me (men are so obvious...) Now, the "hot" boys are arrogant, they always think they can "bag" me if they try hard enough. The "conventionally unattractive" man, OTOH, is terrified of me or, at best, intimidated. He thinks he doesn't have a shot. That usually prompts two kinds of behaviours: the "I can only have her as a friend" and the "silent adoration" (of course it's also entirely possible a man is actually not interested in me. :) ) The former case is more typical and that's actually how I got to know most of my former boyfriends and the current one. In truth, often they're not really unattractive, they just think they are... Anyhow, going through the friendship phase is the best way to know a man, so maybe it's my own protection mechanism that prompts me to stay away from the "hunks." As for the "silent adoration", it usually spells trouble. That's when a man's insecurity reaches dangerous levels and typically hides serious psychological problems. I was stupid enough to try with one of this cases and I still bear deep emotional scars. So, extreme shyness actually gives me the creeps.

BTW, I like you a lot Verena, it's not the first time I find myself totally agreeing with you, it's like we have similar thought patterns.

[VerenaVonPfetten]

I think it's the West Coast Canadian in us -- I'm from Vancouver!

[Anastasia]

Your analysis makes a lot of sense.

When I was in college, I was invited to a party which was attended by some v. famous and wealthy rock stars. My excitement around meeting them, faded fast, as they turned out to be crashing bores.

Whatever native charm or wit they possessed at birth, had been replaced by a sense of entitlement and complete self-absorption.

It's not just good looking guys that women should avoid, but the rich and famous too.

[Eek909]

I think the key is "sense of humor".

Guys who have been handsome all their lives don't really need to develop a good sense of humor, because their looks get them far enough. Men who aren't as physically attractive have to compensate in some way if they want to compete with the "hotties" and a common way of doing this is by developing a killer sense of humor.

I have not, to my recollection, ever met a truly funny handsome man. Many think they're funny, but yeah, not so much. But almost every totally hilarious guy I've ever met has been plain to homely, looks-wise. Once they've got you laughing, who cares what they look like?

But when it comes to a relationship---I'm talking long term commitment, "I want you to be the father of my children" commitment---funny will win out over good looks any day.

[smallpants]

I wish I had the 45 seconds back that it took me to read this inane little collection of paragraphs.

[MacDaffy]

I forget what movie or television show I saw/heard it in, but I laughed at this: Show me a beautiful woman and you can bet there's a guy who's tired of (screwing) her.

[loki]

It could be that uglier men often live sheltered lives and have piles of money stashed away because they dont go out and spend it on lavish gifts. Its a well know fact that American woman are first attracted to the size of the wallet and how much they think they can get out of it. Once that is confirmed, they go for other material things they can gain. After that, as stated in another article posted here at Hufpo, they cheat on their money man with what they find to be a more eye pleasing man. The ugly man for the security, feelings of having a loyal man, large amounts of cash and material things, The pretty boy for sexual and fantasy fulfillment.

[DamnedAngryDem]

Bravo! Hear hear!!

[TovSquirrel]

all that glitters is not gold . . .

[prisoner24601]

This is one of the biggest myth, try it for yourself, watch the couple walking down the street and you will notice that by far, both men and women go out with people in their look range. In fact, it is definitly not unusual to find ugly women with good looking men. Of course, we can't talk about it because saying that a women is ugly would be seen as mysoginistic so it does not even seem to register on most people radar. Sure, there are a few cases here, and there, and movies for sure are full of these cases, but talk to most ugly guys, getting women is hard for most of them, and for some a near impossible task. Basically what I'm saying, is that women talk a big game when it comes to this, but in practice, that's not how most of them act. You are basically taking the exception, and trying to make it the norm, because it makes women sound better than men.

[RaraAvis17]

Kevin James is married to a beautiful woman named Stephania de le Cruz and they have two children. I think Kevin James is a very handsome man. Just because he's chubby doesn't take away from his personality or him being handsome, plus he's funny which to me is a major plus.

[loki]

Kevin james is a rich , famous man. If he wanted 50 hot woman to be his slaves,tens of thousands of women they would jump at the opportunity. Not because they think he is cute, or funny, or a great guy. But because he is RICH. In America, money is the all time top attractor for women. If you are not a pretty boy, and you dont have the cash, you sure wont get ,, anything or any attention. No matter how funny you are. Don't believe me. Go meet someone, be as charming as you can. Ask them out, then tell them you are broke right now, so you would like to make it a cheap date.. Watch them laugh at you.. My brother did to a women who really liked him, but he was not that interest in. He wanted to see what would happen. And he is a very good looking and success full guy. If you find a hot woman that wants you even if she believes you are totally broke, and you know she isnt lying, then you better keep her because she is more rare than a 800 carat flawless pink diamond.

[gmknobl]

Many beautiful women exhibit the same behavior for the same reason. Only those with good hearts and minds stay away from this type of prejudiced behavior. I'm not ugly nor good looking but average. I know there is prejudice from attractive women as I've overheard it many times, not just about me but about "not dating any man who isn't attractive."

Hopefully this will breed out those who aren't intelligent nor wise. Certainly, the good looking ones are often only worth a roll in the hay but not to raise children. As bad as that sounds, it's said to make a point - they aren't worth the trouble anyone would want to put into any relationship, even temporary. But looking at who we've elected recently, it makes you wonder if the unwise, unintelligent aren't winning, despite looks!

[loki]

A couple weeks ago my 7 year old daughter ask me a question and I did not know how to answer it. I guess I do now.. She came to me and said " Daddy, why do they always have fat men on tv and pretty girls" I told her I was not sure, but it does seem to always be like that.