Girlfriends' Guide: Christmas Can't Come Soon Enough!

Christmas comes "early" this year, meaning, according to my mother, that Thanksgiving is "late" and there are not quite four weeks separating the two most elaborate and stressful American holidays. "Bring it!" I say, because the anticipation is killing me.

It started when Halloween and the end of Daylight Savings Time were crammed into the same night. I may have gotten an extra hour to sleep the next morning, but I awoke to the screeching news that I only had 55 more shopping days till Christmas. As someone who occasionally relied on the "rhythm method" for birth control, I've got four kids to illustrate that I can lose track of at least thirty days without blinking.

And speaking of those kids, I have two with birthdays a week before Christmas, and precisely nine months after their father's birthday, but it's my own fault if I drank a little too much red wine at his parties. So I have three birthday parties to throw between now and Christmas (yes, there was a Valentine's Day celebration with wine thrown in that resulted in a November baby,) but that is a chaos I'm accustomed to.

What I'm not ready for this year is all the aggression. Wall Street may be recovering from the recession, but not my friends and the folks I do business with. It was one thing last year for everyone to hunker down into a holiday of uncertainty and frugality, but this year the pretend-poor has turned into real poor, which is much less fun. Now, even if a person feels inclined to be a bit more extravagant and celebratory, they don't have the credit to fake it. It's a given that none of us ever had the actual cash on hand to spend by year's end, but we could intoxicate ourselves for a month or two with our credit cards. This year, we're all hung over and cranky as hell.

I've stopped entering department stores, even if just to walk through on my way between their parking lots and my dentist's office on the other side, because I can't take the assault of the salespeople waiting at the doors. I'm so aware of the fact that they live on commissions that I am too much of a commitment-phobe to even make eye contact with one of them without a pre-nup.

Online ordering is so much less confrontational and upsetting, but it's not like I'm safe from all the aggravation when I stay home. Have you noticed how many people are hectoring us in television commercials recently? I've fallen sound asleep watching some CSI or SVU and awakened to find myself scrunched duck-and-cover under my bed from the volume blast of someone like that Billy Mays guy berating me over a hands-free phone device.

So ho ho ho, here I sit, alone, at my laptop with no TV or radio for quiet companionship I have hunkered down in a sort of Holiday Battle Bunker, looking for Christmas sales in November and ordering gifts that come in one-size fits all, cost $50 or less and come with full return policies. I'm avoiding all human contact until January, when there actually may be some peace on my little part of Earth.

 

Comments

[flowergurlie]

Vicki~ So glad to see you on here! I have laughed my way thru 2 of your GF's Guides and have since passed them onto my girlfriends. Thanks for bringing humor to stressful times in my life and now Christmas. :)

[lastep]

Christmas has been exploited like everything else since the invention on radio, television and now the internet.

[mlaiuppa]

I don't step foot in a mall between Thanksgiving and 12th night.

I do most of my Christmas shopping throughout the year as I encounter an item on sale that I know someone on my gift list will like. I store it in the closet until Christmas. I do the same with birthdays.

I also do a lot of shopping online where I can comparison shop and find the best deal.

And there is always handmade. I sew, knit, crochet, etc. And I take requests.

[BlackYowe]

Myself I buy all my gifts on line and enjoy the whole hoilday season. I look forward to putting up my real Christmas tree and especially to the Christmas music in Church. I will enjoy writing my Christmas card greetings and seeing my Brother and his kids.

[aliceautumn]

If you were all Jewish there would not be a problem here. And you get to eat really good food.

[Dice Klay]

but then there's the whole zionist thing.

[goddess1871]

I hear you, sister. Everyone in my family (BOTH sides) is getting a lovely cookie plate and if they don't like it that's too darn bad. Thankfully I live in a very small town with no commission-only salespeople (that I know of) so shopping is still fairly safe around here.

[Bernadette Noll]

I too have four kids and 4 family birthdays between Halloween and Christmas. It can get kind of nutty. I am focusing this year on connection with friends and family. And making lots of goodies and crafts to fill up the many boxes to family far away. The boxes have actually made Christmas feel kind of fun and let the kids focus on creating and giving instead of just getting, getting, getting. We're always trying to create ritual around it all and I think it's actually working.

http://www.bernadettenoll.blogspot.com
http://www.slowfamilyliving.com

[onrecess]

Never read your stuff before, (I'm a guy), expected a serious article about the difficulty of being priveleged and "having" to spend an obscene amount on commercialized "merrymaki­ng."
I literally laughed out loud.
Good writing!

[PresidentRobertBooth]

Every year people drive themselves into debt oblivion by going crazy buying rubbish at Christmas.

Your kids should get one nice toy each. Your spouse/partner should get something nice too.

Nothing excessively expensive.

The rest of the family gets a nice handwritten card, and you all get together for a meal.

That's how to spend wisely at Christmas.

[Pema]

lol you need security to get through the sales girls these days....
i have a solution. really, its a win win. heres a great way to relieve all the stress of buy gifts. dont. donate the money to charity in thier name. you dont wonder how much this costs and wondering if you showed enough care via your visa.... christmas is mass shopping, tons of stuff that clutter our lives. but , think of all the starving dogs, abadoned pets, homeless children who have no gifts ever. take the stress off. make a pact with your girlfriends. many want to donate but dont feel they can right now, find out who they want the money to go to and send it. 50 to the local animal shelter is life or death for an animal. it may get them rescued from abuse. homeless children, abused womens shelters..­.christmas is jesus birthday and is the perfect time to live by his words, not macy's!
i have done this for years now. i love to get a card, so and so has donated 50 in your name, so and so donated 150 in your name. i am not christian but i love jesus, and hope my christmas celebration is one he would approve of.
hope all have a wonderful christmas.­...

[artteacher23]

Just like your new house, and your new life, and your new haircut this holiday will always feel strange. It is a perfect time to re-invent the gift giving too. Hang in there and find some awesome new way to make holidays your very own this year! I know ... get together with the Girlfriends!!!
Love & Hugs to you Vic.
Mary

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Hi Alana,

The good news is that it's only 2 weeks until Black Friday. All those great deals just waiting for me to sccop in and save big bucks. Even though Christmas isn't part of my religion, It is a national holiday, so we celebrate Solstice again a few days later just to be in sync with everyone else. I hope you have a great holiday season and good luck with those birthdays.

little brother