Girlfriends' Guide: Three Boys For Every Girl

"I've been married three times," anthropologist Margaret Mead said, "and each time I married the right person." I get it completely. I don't know if I would recognize the bride I was thirty years ago if she were to throw her bouquet at my face... although I do remember her as pretty and with a firm round ass that no longer exists. I feel certain, however, that she and I would be looking for very different things in a relationship, plus I'm a lot wiser than she is.

For the first marriage, a woman is driven by the biological imperative to perpetuate the DNA. Romance and lust are the propellants behind most first marriages. College-aged girls may be indifferent about the institution of marriage, but they are zealous about being brides and having weddings. The perfect guy tends to be attractive and sexy and what a "groom" should look like, and this guy is absolutely the right guy to marry at the time.

A smart woman goes after what a groom should stand for in a second marriage because after the dream wedding settles down and there is nothing but empty champagne bottles and a video of a rockin' party, lots of us discover that a good dancer may not be a good mate for the serious business of building a family.

If the partners in her second marriage choose well and have a little good fortune between them, this can be a blissful time -- if only because the kids are so fulfilling and such a distraction that no one really notices if the marriage is fundamentally sound or not. Wait, let me say that again without the cynicism of hindsight: there really is nothing so compelling and loving as two people coming together to put the needs of the family above their individual concerns and to love their little tribe above all else. It's extremely generous and often selfless and it truly was the happiest time in my life.

Try as we might, however, some of us never quite get the balance between devoting ourselves to our kids, to our spouses and to ourselves. I don't know if it is significant now in hindsight, but I don't think the father of my children and I ever had a vacation without kids once they were born -- and that was over twenty years ago! And I know I didn't go anywhere without all of them except to the hospital to give birth to another one of them. Live and learn, I guess, but I never question whether he was the right person for me to marry then.

Anthropologically speaking, my purpose on this earth would pretty much reach an end once I helped grandparent my children's children for a couple of years, which, if not for birth control, I would have completed about a decade before now. In other words, I should be dead by now, which would obviate the need for the third husband. This is where the blessing may truly come. My peers and I have fulfilled all that nature demanded of us and are liberated from the crazy chemistry of hormones that have ruled our destinies for thirty or forty years. From now on, any relationship we choose should have a good bit of fun, revelry and, most of all, gratitude to it.

I write about this today because tomorrow, my Girlfriend Corki, the Malibu Barbie Mommy friend I wrote about in Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy sixteen years ago, is getting married for the third time to the very, very right person, John.

She met him two years ago on a beach on Kauai, if you can stand it. She'd heard his name mentioned over the years, and he hers, but they met quite by accident. To see them together is to believe that they actually met their counterpoints.

Their romance is very big to encompass their respective grown children and even a grandchild, but unlike Marriages One and Two, Three is not so much about planning for the future, but rather to enjoy the life they have now. It is calm and loving and accepting in a way that is impossible to the very young.

There will be many of you who read this and say, "A woman should be able to find all these romances in one marriage!" To that I say, God bless those who do. And to the rest of us I say, God bless those of us who get a third time at bat!

Comments

[editorjuno]

Marriage #1 should be to someone about 20 years older so you can learn.

Marriage #2 should be to someone about 20 years younger so you can teach.

Marriage #3 should be to someone roughly your own age so you can face the fading of the light together.

Works well for both sexes, gay or straight, or so I've heard.....

[seattle music]

Well, it makes the chicken hawks happy.

[editorjuno]

The legal age of consent applies, of course....

[WilliePilgrim]

I love your taking this anthropological approach to sex and social bonding. We have so many questions and we live in a world where we can read from the anthropologists how it is that people have been managing sex and social bonding since we were simple hunter gatherers, and yet we wonder why the order imposed on us by bronze age camel herders and some medieval celebate, or at least sexually questionable, church leaders a long time ago.
Age of consent? Why? Surely we know ourselves when to first initiate it. Divorce? Polygamy? Polyandry? Concubines? Group sex? If we're going to examine our current dilemma over sex and bonding in an objective way informed by what we know our species has been doing all along, we should be ready for a radical readjustment of our beliefs as to what constitutes a good relationship.

[jimmyjh]

Women get excited when a "hot' guy takes notice i under stand the reasons, but is her hormones replacing love? Looks fade , we get old and we start dying, and I rather share my life with someone with a good heart and defining what that really is truly.

I was with a girl for years and maybe not everyone seen what i did from the comments but I seen her glow from the inside out because i seen a good heart in her and if you just felt this way once you will see what beauty really is, when someone can light a room up and put a smile on your face like your best friend then you know what love kinda is.

These posts about what women want what guys want,,, dogs want to kill cats too naturally but oddly enough i seen many who loved the cat as it was part of its own liter, "still using animals as reference but proves alot" yet we are so pathetic to judge each other in such ways it just makes me wonder if anyone knows the 4 letter word they throw around so much.

[jimmyjh]

True love is always it doesnt end, animals know this way more than we do yet we think of ourselves as more evolved more intelligent, you have a pet puppy it grows up it loves you if you starve it it loves you if you beat it , it loves you, if you leave 10 years come back yep loves you and missed you. Not that i recommend any of this just pointing out a fact i love animals just wish some of these men or women would actually be more dogs than we accuse them of.

Life is so short you have no idea, and these things these human nature things we must follow because we are after all set this way? When did a puppy decide to become out of the norm of the animal kingdom of which we eat animals "most of us" and become our friend? and yet we say its human nature for us to treat each other like this.

[seattle music]

I fell in love when I was sixteen. We were together (lovers and in love) for just over a year. He was three months younger, by the way -- he was not a cradle-robber.

After moving away to go to college, he eventually "dumped" me. Twice!

I still love him, 37 years later. I guess I always will. I don't stalk him. I haven't stopped looking for another life partner. I've dated other men and even lived with two men for a period of years (one for 2-1/2 years and the other for 3-1/2 years) but I will always love C.

I think that my love is some deep kind of biochemical bond or imprint, something deep in my DNA caused me to bond with him when I was sixteen and he was my first great love. Some part of me still feels that he is my mate, that he was the one who ought to have helped me make babies to love and raise within our protective pair bond.

Maybe some day science will be able to explain that kind of imprint or bond within the human species, but even after 37 years I think that if he came looking for me, I'd be tempted to forgive, forget and pick right up where we left off. He will always feel like a part of me. I can't explain it. He's just part of me.

Not everyone is cynical, careless and superficial in their youthful relationships.

[jimmyjh]

I agree that when you ever loved someone, its impossible to stop, because real love is that pure attachment to the very center of your soul and meet someone else claim to love them too isn't true, you like them alot but nothing can erase real love, people given their lives for love, waited all their life for it, most want to be loved and wanted and find someone that makes them feel important, some find other things to love power, money, looks, and that is good enough, but when you love someone its something you cannot shake.. And you would betray yourself before you could betray them it doesn't even cross your mind

If money looks and power made people happy why do so many wealthy, stars, singers etc end their life, you see it all the time.

I have 2 sons and with the wonderful girl i assumed she was done all she could to turn them against me and replace a new guy as the father.. We met young and everything was close to perfect as it could get, but she was not who she pretended to be nor was she honest, years passed i realized she used anyone she could. I wish she was better a better mom as well, i love my kids more than anything , but how she is and the things she done not just to me but my kids as well i could never be tempted to take her back.

[jimmyjh]

I will tell you all a secret, love in this world does not exist, not in a true form. Let me elaborate,. 60% of married couples get divorced 35% stay together unhappy. Meet someone beautiful may it be a girl or a guy you love them for their beauty.. But you want to all be romantic and say you love them for what really counts inside. As well as the unlucky few may it be low self esteem and many other factors you get with someone not so attractive. Women usually love what they cannot have, men usually chase other skirts either imaginary or literally. In a heterosexual relationship im speaking but it also applies to all.
Lets ask what is love, what is love that makes it love, sense so many people have their own created ideas what it should be, right now im sure someone is in love with a hand full of people romantically.

Lets say we take from our fairy tales and to the many poems written over time alot from the heart im sure, and songs as well for an example.
To sum up an idea that what most people desire in their hearts to something that everyone wants at some point if not always. People are flawed its that attractive person in your superficial eye is flawed just as everyone else. You see this cycle of numbers representing who we are 1-10 as if this is our mark stamped right on our forehead,

[TheKidd]

yeah, i'm gonna do the same.

marriage number 1 will be my trophy wife.

marriage number 2 will be the one i use to give birth to my children.

marriage number 3 will be the cool chick i enjoy hanging with...

i don't know. maybe i'm slowly becoming a prude but i feel like this world is becoming more and more selfish.

[jimmyjh]

Yea we need to change our vows , "till i decide i don't want you anymore, cannot promise i will be faithful or true but right now i like you a whole lot"

[Mikepdx]

I enjoy your articles, plus new your brother through my hairdresser here in Portland. Third marriage though? What about equal rights? Make it a civil union in protest.

[Mikepdx]

knew

[tdom]

Geez! What do we tell our sons?

[Jul32]

I agree as we age and relationships break up we look for different things...
But my mom just had marriage number four.
I guess I'm just wondering how many times you can say "Til Death do us Part" before it loses it's meaning.

[jimmyjh]

yea we look for other things because that pizza is getting old and stale time to try something new and spicey!

[CindyFrancine]

I agree that a girl can have more than one boyfriend, just do not get married, marriage is way way overrated. I just have boyfriends that are my best friends.

In other words friends with benefits, iy works out great that way.
I love it, no drama, no getting into that same routine.It is great

[SonofLiberty1]

After spending some time reading and commenting my Neice and Nephew came over.
My, Neice, ll of 15 1/2 seemed ok. And then there must have been a phone call...and then the question can you take me home....

I just witnessed my poor little Neice broken hearted because her 3rd boyfriend broke up with her.
See you in September kind of a thing...

And remembering my own "Girl Troubles".

Seems to me that we might be a bit non chalant about Divorce and Re Marriage.
Never having been Married I can only imagine how difficult it must be....far more than I could stand.

The old adage is that people can die of a broken heart...

Perhaps we would be a better species if more of us would remember that?

[o4tuna]

OK guys, remember, you read it hear first. Your purpose to women and marriage:

Marriage #1.

To get her out of her parents house, or to have a "Wedding" where she can show all her friends how great a wedding she can have. It is a status plateau on which she steps up to. And like in a movie, you are just playing a part in the script. Make sure you get your lines right. Don't worry about typecasting, It's all good.

Marriage #2.

This is where she has traded in the bad-boy sex toy, (at least the best one she could find) for the guy who has some kind of respectability that she can leech off of. Doesn't matter to much what you do, just as long as you make more than she does and her friends think your a step up in society. You're pretty much a wallet and a status symbol. Other then that, it's all good.

Marriage #3.

Generally a repeat of #2 minus the kids, and not so many friends to please, just a couple. It's all good.

The lesson here guys? Avoid getting married in the first place.

[marbou888]

...and in all three cases, guys, you're the ATM, and when the ATM nears "empty", it's off to the next ATM.

[kamau006]

Why is it that the chicks that pass me up for the bad boy in #1, always seem to track me down with some bad- a$$ kids in tow for #2?

[Mikepdx]

it's what women are force-fed from the moment they're born

[MetalPhil]

You know.. I guess I'd like my first go around to be the only go around. The idea of encouraging multiple marriages is ridiculous. What a waste of cash.. Seriously, start with three and have long relationships with the first two. Why make vows if you INTEND to break them?

[spartanmom]

I guess I married husband number three first!

We slogged through school, careers and kids but had plenty of fun along the way. Now with four grown, socially aware and responsible progeny to our credit and the house nearly paid off, we are left with just each other and all the fun.

The secret is to remember that you are not married to each other, you are married to the relationship that you've created. I know it is hard to believe but it isn't all about YOU!

[robbyJ]

From a completely ignorant standpoint, I would have to say you should only have to get married 1 time. I think if I ever get 2 failed marriages, I'll just date for the rest of my days.