Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce: I Can't Find My Way Home

I spent the night in my new home last night. Going to sleep there was fine. Waking up there, not so much. After six months of going through the business and heartbreak of getting divorced and setting my children and me up with a new place to live, it's official:

My printed stationery is obsolete. I have a new credit card that I haven't memorized, I double-check myself when giving my phone number and I don't know where anything is in all the cartons and piles relegated to the corners of the rooms in wait for some furniture in which to place everything. I need more honey pots, so to speak, since as Pooh said, "they're useful things to put things in."

Oh, God, what have I done? I know how I got here, but I'll be darned if I know what to do now that I'm here. I have my work, of course, but I don't even know where to do that.

My office is still being painted and I have no desk or chair. So I'm sitting at the foot of my loaner bed with my laptop, well, in my lap -- another useful thing to put things in, especially a tired and sad daughter's head when she doesn't know where home is. I used to tell my kids that home is wherever the family is, but even the family is scattered all over the place. I don't feel like crying, myself -- more like I'm suppressing a howl like the one you make as the rollercoaster crests a peak and there is a steep corkscrew directly ahead.

I've spent most of the past 24 years living in two homes, each of which we lived in for a decade. My soon-to-be ex is still living in the second house, with its patina of clutter, bulletin boards of precious clippings, and blankets that smell familiar like a blend of oatmeal and soap. My place smells like paint, plastic bags and cleansers. The televisions don't work, I haven't got music yet except on my iHome and the internet is iffy. I've christened my bathroom the Casper Suite since I have white sheets hanging over the windows. Okay, now I feel like crying.

This is what I have wanted for a long time, but I didn't realize how bumpy this landing would be. We're still rolling erratically down the runway and I'm still praying that the pilot puts on the brakes so we don't go skidding into hysteria. Last night I grabbed a book after dinner and literally sat in five different places to find my "reading space." So far, outside in the yard feels the most comforting, albeit breezy and dimly lit. At least it smells neutral and doesn't remind me of all the work I have to do still to build my nest. Although seeing all that wild bamboo growing up the side of the house did upset my chi a bit since this is a Spanish house and tropical just doesn't work. I'll put that on my list.

The goal of getting lighter by passing on the stuff I've collected over the last ten years has had its own unforeseen crises. My best friend's daughter just got her own apartment nearby and I gave her some things I'd had in storage and a few lamps and accessories. Now she is living in the sweetest, homiest little place with my stuff in it and I'm aching with envy. Perhaps it's seeing my stuff in her life that gets me around the lungs or perhaps it's how simple her move was. She's 24, the age of my marriage, and unmarried and childless. Her biggest challenge was getting a bed and a bureau before she started her new job on Monday.

My jobs -- and I have many -- all take place in my home. I mother here, I write here, I design my website here, and I confer with my lawyers and other business associates here. I plan to have my friends come here, and many have in spite of my secret perfectionist desire to not wanting to show the place until it's more presentable. What I don't do here yet is settle down. Why I even expect to feel settled when I still don't really know who I am going to be as a single woman is fearful and impatient of me, I know. But I just want to know that we'll all be okay and happy. For that, I'll just have to have faith.

Comments

[jenrob59]

Its been 4 years since I was divorced. Nothing prepared me for anything to come. Mostly the profound change in financial stability. My income as a real estate broker has fallen by 75%. I pay for everything and carry the benefits. The ex-husband (married 18 years) has turned into a complete slacker and deadbeat Dad. So, no child support for me (much less alimony).

With no financial help, and the down economy my house is now in foreclosure and I am looking at bankruptcy. I ask myself if it was really worthwhile to leave him because he was having an affair. "Pride commeth before the fall"

I wish I just had to worry about making my house feel comfortable or homey. I am worried about keeping it, or where we will live if the bank won't play ball. My utilities were cut off the morning my son was taking his ACT test (no hot shower or hot breakfast). I have maxed out my credit buying groceries and gas. I can't quit my low paying job because I need the insurance for the kids. I look for new work, but a 50 year old single mother isn't usually the candidate of choice.

I feel for the emotional roller coaster that the author is going through, but she needs to do a gratitude check for all the things that make her life comfortable and find the joy.

[Lissa Coffey - Huffpost Blogger]

Having been there, done that, with the whole divorce thing, I think it's better to start fresh in a new place. No old memories to distract you or bring you down. This is a new life, and you can create it to be anything you want it to be, make it your own! Start with the paint :-)

[lostmypassword]

Would have been easier to stay at the old home and make him move. Still not that much easier, every single familiar smell or homely area would feel different and empty. Seeing the same outdoor swing now empty, and remembering it was where you had happy times with him and the kids is tough!

Be gentle with yourself. No matter how excited you are to start anew, how eager you are to turn the page in a phase of your life that has passed, 10 or 20 years with someone leaves a lot of memories. It isn't easy. But then motherhood isn't easy either and you excelled at that, so be brave and have faith on your coping skills. Soon you will be feeling a lot better.

All the best!

[zenmonkman]

I personally felt glee when my 3rd wife left. Is that what you're talking about?

[brooklyncitizen]

Marriage is overrated.

So today you were doubly celebrating Independence day.

[KennyFox]

Great posts. I need to find a site or a support grop for people thinking of getting a divorce. Im wanting one from my spouse of 10 years. But I have two lil girls I love very much and they are just 7 and 4, and for sure she would take them. We would have joint custody, I know. And we would be "friends". Her and I have spoken about a split twice over a lot of tears and emotional break downs. But it is hard to keep talking abut that all teh time. Im in my early 40s and got married when I wasnt ready. It was one of those greencard situations, where either I married within six months, or lose her probably forever; then the first kid came three yers later and her and I still lived with housemates! We didnt even live alone. Long story short, I made a wishy washy decision, thinking it was a fair bet, and it was, but now the passion is gone, daddy, gone and for three years Ive been trying to get it back. .This is midlife transition stuff and Im looking back at how my decisions in life were all made based on who I would hurt less, not on what I really wanted at that moment. I dont want to break anyone's heart, but my heart isnt in the marriage anymore. Now what the eff do I do? : ( This is killer, adult stuff.

[MerhabaAbi]

HI Kenny,

I learned something that worked for me. Actually Ed and Deb Shapiro post on the subject regularly and I find that to be a very useful reminder as well as a motivator to take it up a notch. Basically, it comes down to one simple viewpoint. FOCUS ON GIVING FREELY WITH NO CONCERN ABOUT GETTING. You will feel better. Your daughters will receive a more enjoyable father. And other people will benefit from your kindness. I don't want to downplay the value of passion and I don't expect what works for me to work for you.

Good luck

[volcrx]

You've provided best advise I've seen here, as long as the giving doesn't become one-sided. Marriage is a constant struggle for equality in the relationship, just like divorce can a struggle between selflessness and selfishness, but it can be a steep slope down either side if you're not careful. Sometimes the "giving" translates to "doing", which can make a person feel resentment. Above all, you've got to communicate what you want and how you feel, or the other person won't ever know, and they've got to do the same. Unfortunately, you can only control one of the variables in the equation.

[imagesforrenewal]

Hafez writes a beautiful poem about renewal through giving. Read more here: http://www.imagesforrenewal.com/general/renewal-through-giving/

[ImGriz]

Vicki, for the past 13 years, I've worked with men and women going through midlife transition/crisis (depending upon where you fall on the continuum). Your post is so familiar. You mentioned this is what you wanted, so I'm wondering, then, if the divorce was your choice? Not that it changes anything, it doesn't. My divorce was my choice. My husband's 3-year affair and seemingly overnight transformation into someone I hardly knew was not. Your article strikes a chord with me because for the last decade, I've been looking for "home." I smiled when I read about your efforts to find your reading spot. I left a home after 6 months because there was no such spot in it, despite it being 3 levels of large rooms. I'm now in a smaller apartment and there are several reading spots. The grandkids have their own space here, too. And my fur babies have settled in nicely.

Trust yourself to make a place your own but to also know if after some time you still aren't feeling it, you may have to keep looking.

Starting over at midlife is scary, overwhelming, fun, and exhiliarating. FEEL YOUR MOMENTS. You and your children are making new memories to weave into your tapestry.... and what a beautiful tapestry you will make.

[Kfeigenbaum]

P.S. - It is a timely move in view of it being "independence" Day.

Best,
Kelly

[Kfeigenbaum]

Hi Vicki,

Don't know if you'll remember me, but our kids were in Bwood together - our youngest daughters, and youngest sons. Katie and Dan.

I heard you were divorcing and tripped over this posting while trying to see where things stood. At least you've found an outlet for your process!!!

I'm sorry to hear of it tho'. I know it's hard. My thoughts are with you, but what I've read tells me you'll be fine. Time is a huge factor in finding the "new normal".

Monday is our 22nd wedding anniversary. Many days I've wondered how in God's name we made it this far. Sometimes marriage is a 12 step program; you just take it a day at a time. There is no one answer, no magic bullet - except for it being a useful mental image on the more challenging days. Wouldn't it be great if there was a recipe for everything? Flexible, achievable guidelines producing desired results with a modicum of effort and satisfaction guaranteed. But you can't marry a Maytag. And they only last 7 years anyway.

I always appreciated, especially in that milieu of westside wealth, your friendliness, humor and kindness to myself and others, and the relationship you had with your children. That level of LA is not an easy place to raise intact, down to earth families, so whatever failure you ever feel should be mitigated by your success as a person and mom.

Good luck and peace,
Kelly Feigenbaum
[e-mail]

[tapeatsbill]

This is kind of weird for me a guy to comment hear but......when my wife of 20 yrs ran away from home and divorce happened my highschool freshman daughter and I moved into this nice home. It too never felt comfortable. Not home.

Both my daughter and I were heart wounded. I know pretty much how Miss Vicki feels.

Yeah it was weird feeling, unsettling and all. Then one day home alone I put some Doors (LA Woman) on the sterio. Cranked it us and kicked back on the couch doing nothing. It sounded great and with no wife around to consider I cranked it way up. It was then I started to rediscover who I really was.

Boy did that feel good. Pretty soon was playing ice hockey and getting knocked around and dishing some back and having an F'n blast. I know you ladies don't get that stuff too much but oh well.

Oh I physically howled like an injured bear when I realized it was over. Neighbors must have been scared shitless at my roar. However, now I can honestly say my divorce was the most wonderful opportunity ever to rediscover who I really am and to create a new and better me.

Many live boring mundane lives and wait for inspiration to come to them. You can't wait. You have to seek it out; hunt it down and devour it wherever you can find it.

Peace on ya Miss Vicki

[Weirdwriter]

What an excellent post.

We all find home. eventually. I left my home of singleness to move into my new spouse's house and it took years to feel like it was my, as well as "our", place, too.

Take time to get to know this new you, this person who is not who you were when you were single, and not who you were when married, but a new creature. Don't just go for the familiar.

[tapeatsbill]

Thanks and you could not be more spot on. I am doing fun things now that I never would have otherwise.

Peace on ya!

[emmapeel]

Tapeatsbill, thank you for a very uplifting post. After 23 yrs of marriage I filed for divorce a month ago. After putting myself fourth in a family of 4 for years it feels great to have time for me. Years ago my girlfriend told me that one day I would love being home by myself. At that time, my children were very young and I couldn't relate but now I know actually what she meant. I still crank up the music too but silently in my ipod!! Thanks again...

[brooklyncitizen]

great post.

[Shelley Hendrix Reynolds - Huffpost Blogger]

My husband decided to leave us the morning of 9/11. My kids were 3 and 5. My son had autism that was affecting him fairly severly at the time. I hadn't worked outside the home in 3.5 years. I hardly had the strength to brush my teeth. But I made up my mind to look forward, set small goals that you can obtain so you feel like you are succeeding and just move on at whatever pace is comfortable. Keep looking forward and concentrate on the whole new life you have in front of you. Make lists of all the things that you have always wanted to do so on those days when you wander around in circles you can go back, pull up that list and head off and do one of those things instead. You should treat your divorce like Medusa. Look back at it in a mirror and you can lop it's ugly head off. Take your eyes off what is in front of you, turn around and look back and you will turn into stone without the hope of moving forward. One of the best post divorce books I can recommend is Arianna's own On Becoming Fearless which frankly should be required reading for all women over the age of 13 AND Joint Custody With a Jerk....which is chock full of great advice on how to handle issues throughout the divorce. You have a chance for a redo, not a repeat.

[mudshark12]

" I don't feel like crying, myself -- more like I'm suppressing a howl like the one you make as the rollercoaster crests a peak and there is a steep corkscrew directly ahead." (a quote from the post above)

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Go ahead and cry Vicki, suppressing negative emotions and experiences is a very bad thing. You need to let all of the anger and hurt you feel inside have an outlet. Once you do this then you can begin putting your lif back in order.

[artteacher23]

My Mother use to say "Be careful what you wish for... " I believer her still each day. Your new house is just waiting for your creative touch. Before you know it it will be a happy safe warm loving home, forget the "perfect myth" and start a new idea of perfect, one for your new life! Relax & Enjoy!

[LMPE]

Apparently, Janet Leigh wouldn't let daughter Jamie watch "Psycho" on TV for many years.

[Michelle Pierre]

I'm having to re-invent, and re-discover myself in a new place too.
Home is the spirit and people in the house, not the house itself.
I agree with Highlyirritable ...pace yourself ...it will all come together.

With warmth,

Michelle Pierre, SpokenWurd