Girlfriends' Guide To Divorce: When Parents Attack, The Kids Are The Injured Party
Yes, Anne Heche, you can say "lazy ass" on television. The question is, should you? And the answer is, it's NEVER appropriate when you are talking about the father of your child, as the actress was about her ex, Coley Laffoon, on Letterman the other night.
I get it that being on Dave's show is tough, what with his attitude toward women shifting from lascivious to alienated. And with his reputation for keeping his studio as cold as a meat locker, the shivering from cold and nerves must combine to make a person move and speak with all the poise of someone suffering from hypothermia. Still, a mature parent would never blaspheme a co-parent for schtick.
Of all the chat topics she must have considered to charm and entice the icy Letterman, what do you suppose made her choose Coley Laffoon. She's bitter about her divorce, so who isn't? Bitterness is rarely high conversation or entertainment, unless you're comedian Lewis Black. What seems to stick in Anne's craw is that as the higher earner in their marriage, she must pay him spousal support and, perhaps, child support. If that is the case, then her jibes might more properly be directed at the California Supreme Court.
But no, she decided to use her bully pulpit to slam the guy who contributed 50 percent of their son's DNA. Nice dig! How many times does a parent have to be reminded that attacking one of their child's parents is like judging him or her to be at least half resented or actively loathed? And if that child happens to still love the blasphemed parent, is the message that their heart is wrong and they should be ashamed of being so misguided or fooled?
Now Coley Buf, er, Laf-foon, is no paragon of paternal sacrifice either, having accused his estranged wife of "bizarre and delusional behavior" and "poor parenting" in some national gossip magazine. That leaves their poor little son, Homer (unfortunate name choice, that) with two infantile narcissists for parents. It truly sickens me when I hear people say, "I would do ANYTHING for my child," when what they neglect to add "as long as it does not interfere with getting my needs met."
You don't have to be a celebrity to be this self-involved, although it might contribute to the condition, but I watch divorced parents wound their children with vicious remarks about Mommy or Daddy all the time. It's a violation of their being, their sense of safety and certainly their self-esteem. Remember, calling someone a "son of a bitch" is generally considered an insult to the son, not the mother.
If there is a mantra to be shared with people going through the agonies of divorce, it should be this: "It's all about the kids." They didn't ask for this divorce, they certainly don't deserve it either, but they can survive if they know their parents are loving and mature enough to create a united front for them to protect and nurture them. Really, it's the very LEAST we can do.
One can suggest that Anne Heche was just the unfortunate victim of a brain fart occurring on national television, and if it seemed true I'd pull in my claws. But it seemed to me that the rest of her gadfly chat with Letterman made a case for her misguided but conscious belief that ridiculing her ex-husband made "good TV."
When Dave asked her something about why Coley still wanted any relationship at all with her after such a nasty split, with a lot of hair-touching she revealed the real reason this subject sparkled like gold during the pre-interview-- "Because I'm so fantastic." Oh yeah, Anne, it's about YOU.
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
where Dr. Phil, when you really need him?.
Way to go Vicki,
I work with kids 10 -12 in a Children of Divorce group. We do a rules exercise where we give the kids the opportunity to make up rules for their parents to follow that would help make the divorce less stressful on them. Time and time again, the same rules come up and in the top spot is always "don't talk bad about my other parent to me".
For more insight on what your kids are really feeling, check out: www.postca
totally agree with vickie...w
8/30/09
1:49pm
Sunny Isles Beach, FL
OK but Anne was not venting to her kids. She was making jokes about her ex-husband.
Remember Phyllis Diller's jokes about her husband, FANG?
Phyllis Diller was a comedian. Heche was venting about her husband. On national television.
Lame.
Fang, while married to Phyllis Diller, benefited from her comedic schtick. This was not comedic schtick. It was self-absorbed whining. I saw the whole thing and couldn't believe was I was hearing. This kid will see this on youtube. A lot. And it doesn't do much for Heche's case either. A lot of people are thinking - OMG no wonder he divorced her.
8/30/09
11:35am
Sunny Isles Beach, FL
Let me just tell you how this philosophy of not saying negative things about Daddy turns out.
I am 59. I divorced my first husband when I was 25 and I had very good reasons for doing so. I did not share those reasons with my two little girls because I didn't think they needed to know. In fact I didn't share any negative stuff about Daddy with my girls at all because I took psychology classes at the junior college and I thought negative comments would hurt them. I bit my tongue a lot.
However, my daughters were treated to a boatload of false and negative information about me for years. They never told me about it until recently and I am appalled that they carried this image of Mom around.
So, should I feel proud of myself for not insulting their Dad? I guess so. But maybe there should be therapy sessions for all kids of divorced parents.
Most of the therapists I know have one central piece of advice: Stay in therapy.
Maybe I'm just not understanding. You were on the RECEIVING end of the unfair and negative comments. How can you not agree that it's a bad idea for parents to insult each other? Or do you think that somehow everyone's life would be better if you had behaved the same way he did?
8/31/09
10:49am
Sunny Isles Beach, FL
I agree that it is a bad idea for divorced parent to insult each other in front of the kids.
The parents need it, not the kids.
I don't know..I kind of agree with the poster who said kids aren't dumb, they can handle a bit of negativity about the ex from the mom...I married a seemingly wonderful man and twentyfive years into it, he had his mid life crisis, ripe with younger new girl, harley, mega trips all over the planet, and a whopping disregard for his young son's needs to understand
Great comment! While on one hand you don't want to turn your child into you therapist/sounding board, it can be very helpful to rationally talk to your child about serious problems in your ex's behavior (especially if he or she was verbally abusive, prone to addiction, or anything along those lines). In most cases, the kids are aware of this behavior and they need someone to validate the fact that, yes, this behavior is WRONG and you were right not to condone or emulate it.
This is a whole post about Anne Heche calling her ex a lazy @ss?
I think it's a mistake to shelter your kids from these thoughts, like they're little delicate flowers.
Usually when I post something like that, either the post editors get rid of it, or everyone attacks and assumes I mean the exact opposite - that we should dump shrill parental insults all over our kids. That's not what I mean, either.
I grew up with folks who wouldn't talk to each other. It had its ups and downs. But I kind of liked knowing where everyone stood, instead of being subjected to a bunch of cloying lies about the relationship. They didn't like each other. They could have pretended like they did, but I would have known - just like any kid would know - and I wouldn't have appreciated the BS, frankly.
As for a divorce being, "all about the kids," good grief. The parents are human beings too, not perfect, but closer to the center than the kids are. This touchy feely approach to raising children seems to me to produce thin-skinned adults who sit around in therapy all day. Not for me, not for my kids.
Refraining from being gratuitously negative need not entail "cloying lies".
See my third paragraph.
If the truth is negative, do you tell it or not?
I agree with everything you've said here, but I do think it was a bit unnecessary to knock on the kid's name while you were at it.
"Homer"...
I think the comment was aimed at the parents' judgment in choosing the name, not at the child.
Richard Gere's son is named Homer. After his grandfather. Now, if you have a beef with Anne Heche's naming abilities - think about her second son named Atlas. Yes, Atlas.
Bravo to Vicky Lovine for calling out Ms. Heche's poor parenting on national television.
Let's hope Ms. Heche was going for a cheap laugh and her comments were not indicative of how she talks about the father of her child in front of her son, friends and family members (who should also be supportive of the child's relationship with his Dad). If she does say similar things she is sending everyone, including her son, the message that Dad is not worthy of anyone's love or respect.
This attitude is the foundation of parental alienation -- a very destructive family dynamic where one parent damages, and in some cases destroys, the normal, healthy, loving relationship between a child and the child's other parent. An excellent resource on this subject is A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation by Mike Jeffries and Dr. Joel Davies. You can check out the book, and other resources, at http://www
Oh my goodness, my mother was total Narcissist and trashed my father to me since the day i was born. I was born into some dysfunctional BS and subsequently never had a real relationship with my father. He may have been every bit the jerk she told me he was, but my little mind was poisoned against him from day-1, so badly that when I saw him (kinda rare anyway, it was the 70's, deadbeat dads lived in Florida so as not to have to pay anything) i would suffer major panic attacks. I wish the state would've stepped in and gotten me away from that mean bitch. No one stepped in, I fell into the cracks of neglect and poverty. Sad. Its always the children who suffer. My parents weren't married, i was a love child who was tortured with an adult war that had nothing to do with raising me properly. I still say she is so lucky that I have become such a well adjusted adult. I oughta send her a bill for all the therapy it took, LOL!
Don't want to have a bitter relationship with your ex? Don't marry the jerk in the first place. Use the brain, if you have one, in your head not the other one.
'Bingo!'
When my parents got divorced, mom would say that dad was an @$$hole and speak poorly of him constantly. This was until I asked her a question.
"If he's so horrible and stupid, then why did you fall in love with him, marry him, and have sex with him at least 3 times?" (I have a brother and a sister). The follow-up was, "What does this say about you?"
She stopped.
In my divorce, there is a claus in there mandating that "neither parent speak poorly of the other in the presence of the child(ren)
So-called "adults" need to stop behaving like revenge-driven babies out to teach the other person a lesson by not complying with visitation, fighting for money, fighting over things, and so on.
PART 1 of 2.
Good on you for addressing it. We often don't see the error of our ways until those we care about & trust bring it to light.
I too a daughter of divorce since I was 17. When angry with a parent I voiced such to the other parent often encountering their reluctance to partake conversation. When I persisted I found I was left more upset than I'd been prior. Still to date on occasion my parents respond negatively to one other when brought forth in conversation. I broached this numerous times, aware that it hurts me they try their best not to do so. I lessened attempts on these discussions & found they became more amicable to each other. Emotions sensitive personally are hard to control.
I know this for I too have a child from a previous relationship. Often I found myself biting my tongue & in need of controlling my outward appearance when dealing with her Father. I admit I'm guilty of having exhibited poor behaviors on occasion. We're all human & to error is human; the trick is to limit your errors in the future.
Part 2
Adults are capable of understanding emotions felt when relationships breakdown knowledge places a certain responsibility on all involved in these situations. We must ensure we don't knowingly provoke occurrences that readily open airways for conflict. Conducting conversations we're capable & willing of controlling emotions in. Young children subject to divorce aren't equipped with the same mechanisms/tools & the sole responsibility is the adults. If not careful behavior cause for children falling victim to parental alienation. Parents must communicate children are lifelong commitments. Relatives to our children also lifelong connections. Relationship nature should be the only change. We must educate ourselves on how to ensure sensitivity in our actions.
WISE ADVICE LOCATED THROUGH MY TRAVELS: When relationships change from intimate (marriage/
My daughter, now estranged from us due to her Father & spouse being Alienating Parents. We've not heard from or seen her in 5 months. Abducted the last day of school June 08 5 visits is what we've received to date. She's 17 now.....
The past 14 months I researched this subject & discovered the prognosis is very grim indeed. Repair: Excruciating, exhaustive without guarantee for result. Had I been informed on the subject prior to it presenting itself to our world I may have prevented what transpired by witnessing countless warning signs... Long story short, kudos for your bold brilliantly composed comment ..
I think not trashing one's ex is easier said than done. Both of my parents trashed each other after their divorce. I think my mom held out a little longer, but eventually she chose to tell us the truth. My dad would constantly tell us how my mom spent all of "his" child support at the bars, and that she didn't care about raising us right, etc. etc. Instead of letting us believe she was a poor parent, she told us that my dad rarely even paid support, and that she was gone all the time because she had to WORK to make up for his shortcomings.
In retrospect, it was unfair that I was put in the middle of it at all, but I do appreciate being told the truth. If I had gone on believing my dad, I very well may have grown up to be the type of person he is today, an alcoholic who can't hold down a job.
This woman is a wingnut. She lost any kind of credibility when she came out as Ellen Degernous's (sorry for the spelling) significant other. What was that? A publicity stunt? Why would anyone believe a thing coming out of her mouth?
There are some exes who conduct the post marital relation as an arena for combat and revenge. This is an obsession that is as bad for the hostile parent as for the kids.
YAY Vicki.....
It's as if parents were human.
Takes two to tango...
When she was an item with Ellen DeGeneres, she didn't know what she wanted then either, if I remember correctly.
You surely don't get much pity when you complain on TV about your ex,
especially when children are involved.
They are the real innocent one's when it comes to divorce.
Although it does depend on why the divorce in the first place.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
