Girlfriends' Guide To... Mommy Porn: What We're Really Fantasizing About

A "missing" man who happens to be Governor of South Carolina gets caught with his pants down in Argentina while his wife's only comment is something to the effect, "I'm busy here taking care of our four kids while the idiot is chasing his Evita." Have you seen this guy, Mark Sanford? A wussy fellow who says inane things in a silly and pompous press conference like, "I'm going to lay it all out and...it's gonna hurt." Oh show me how you take the pain, Big Man! It's all so tedious and sneaky and, well, unmanly.

Which is why I have joined millions of tween and teenaged girls as a devotee of the "Twilight" books. I'm not the first mid-life mom to discover the love story of a clumsy high school girl and a vampire; my girlfriend Cheryl was the first of my peers to recommend them. My 15 year-old daughter made fun of my secret interest in the series, but ended up giving me the first book on audio disc for my car. The plan was that we'd listen together while she practiced her driving under my supervision. But I started sneaking listening sessions when I was driving around town alone, and I was up to disc 6 before I had to confess to her that I was hooked.

I am shocked by this and a little disturbed by this inconsistency in my feminist politics and here's why: These books portray the archetypal barely-civilized man lusting, actually hungering, for a frail and naïve woman. She loves him because he's physically superior--tall, broad-shouldered, the whole Greek god thing, he knows her in a deep way that the rest of the superficial world has overlooked, and best of all, he can beat up anybody who messes with her. I am capable of some introspection and I, like you, can see that for a traditionally non-violent person who believes that a woman stands alone as a force to be reckoned with, there's an obvious disconnect here. Yeah, but I'm in a mood.

I'm in the mood to see more people punched in the nose by a handsome hero. Perhaps the evolution of 21st century men into laptop toting, UFL-lit frequent fliers to further self-importance leaves many women hungering for a man who can cut down a tree, rebuild an engine and catch and gut a fish. And I want one of those kinds of guys handing out a few shiners to the girly men on my list: Bernie Madoff, Bill Clinton, Rush Limbaugh to name a few. Admit it, it felt good to see someone punch Perez Hilton, didn't it? Viral bullying like his is no match for a physical call to attention. "Say it to my face, Tough Guy!" Bam!

You would never catch Edward Cullen, the vampire, creating a media event out of an abject failure of character; as in being away from his kids on Father's Day (a criminal offense), cheating on his wife and evidently not even telling her where he could be reached in an emergency (also a felony), and hooking up in the first place on a "trade visit" to Argentina. Oh no. Edward would be rescuing Mrs. Sanford from all mistreatment, take her in his arms and make her forget the rest of the world and keep his promise to love her and protect her forever. He would be so full of rage at any mistreatment of a vulnerable woman that he would have to restrain himself physically to keep from killing (and drinking) her assailants. Then they would have sex.

My favorite place to read is on airplanes and now that I'm on to my second generation of Kindle (the electronic book), I have been liberated from caring what casual observers think of my choice of literature. And as a result, mommy porn is taking over a large portion of the memory bank. I'm on my fourth book about a twentieth century woman who travels through time and falls in love with an eighteenth century Scottish Highlander. He's gorgeous, huge, fights with daggers and broadswords and wears a kilt. He also loves his woman with a fury that occasionally borders on the side of uncivilized. Best of all, when someone offends her, he later presents her with a sack holding the offender's head. Then they have sex.

This is very sexy stuff, particularly now as we watch Senator Ensign of Nevada, former Governor Spitzer of New York and on and on of these flat-assed stiffs whimpering when they're caught and their political careers are tanked. What's most offensive about those public mea culpas is how cold and reptilian they are. I'd give nearly anything to have one of those wives just slap her husband silly at one of those news conferences. I'm sick of justifications and weak explanations across the board--from the philanderers to Wall Street swindlers to psychopathic international dictators--someone needs to just once, haul off and punch them, in public. Now that's foreplay!

Comments

[WonderWomanGoddess]

I'm amazed at all the people freakin' out about this. I thought it was a funny blog, and I get the point. Then again, I also spend a lot of time writing about erotica or sex toys, and *that* writing community is not so judgmental about people's fantasies. I doubt the people getting panties in a wad about his read erotica, somehow.

Really, as long as it is a fantasy, what is the harm? For an adult, anyway. I do see the harm in these kinds of fantasies for impressionable children, however. If you have a child who's reading Twilight you should talk to them about many things, including 'warning' behaviors of stalker types, and the fact that their boyfriend is NOT going to be 17 and suddenly 'stop' because he has excellent self control and is such a good person. Nor is their girlfriend likely to respond like Bella to obsessive behavior, if you have a son who likes this.

I read cheap romance novels at my grandmother's house starting at about 7, and there is no doubt about it- it made me have some unrealistic expectations and also made me kinky when I grew up, lol.

[mateco]

I can’t believe I am not the only 47 year old obsessed with this tween series. I keep telling myself I am crazy to like it so much, but it does fulfill something I haven't felt for a while. Crazy I know.

[CTModerate]

Try Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse Novel's as well if you like Mommy Porn. Eric Northman, the 1,000 year old viking vampire can bite me any day, and Vampire Bill is pretty darn sexy as well.

[OKSunny]

Uh-mommy porn is more something like this....
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc227/devony30/Man_Vacuuming.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc227/devony30/thumbnailCAHKS0GA.jpg

[Gwen R]

I think what we love about these books is that the men are out of our hair, except when we need them. The hunky highlander saves her from bad guys, but he never, never ever, comes up to her at 9:00pm at night to surprise with the news he doesn't have any clean shirts for work tomorrow.

It's the same reason men love action movies. The girl is hot, holdable, she always wears white if she knows she's going to be drenched in a waterfall, but she never, never ever, comes up to him at 9:00pm at night to tell him that the sink has been dripping for a month and she wonders why he hasn't noticed.

Everyday life is a little tedious, irritating, and full of thankless responsibilities. We fantasize because we know that quick justice would feel good even if it's not what we really want. Thank you Vicky, for bringing our secret love of romance novels out in the open. Why should I cringe? My husband doesn't cringe about loving action movies.

[IvyShoots]

Decapitation is "sexy?" Do me a favor, lady, don't speak for me with that "What WE'RE really fantasizing about" nonsense.

Whether a man is the cave man type or the Wall St type says nothing about his ability to love a woman the way she wants. Either one can be tender-hearted OR an abusing lout. Physical strength does not automatically make a good lover. You're welcome to your fantasies, just don't kid yourself that all women share them.

[AlexFTW]

I always thought caveman types and Wall Street types were one and the same. Go figure...

[killpack]

Why do women have such high standards, is the real question. I'm starting to think women are just way too picky. Forget the whole head decapitation. That's just some weird lady talking. Even you normal ladies are impossible to please.

[phinney]

FREEDOM.

[BobSacomano]

There are places in this country that are full of men exactly as you describe - they're called jails.

[Mills Apparatus]

Bingo.

[Caligirl74]

Now Now...I think you are all taking this way too literally. I love men and don't think I am any better or worse than a man because I'm a woman. I think what this blog is referring to, is in the Twilight series, real, all consuming love exists. In todays society, men and fathers aren't revered. They are mocked and treated as unnecessary.
The problem is, in this day and age, most of the 20 somethings I know, boyfriends don't even have jobs. I don't mean good jobs, any jobs at all. Boyfriends and husbands cheating is the new normal, especially in Hollywood and Washington D.C.
Most of us like to escape to books, where everything doesn't have to be politically correct, and the love of your life doesn't always humiliate the hell out of you. In Twlight, the girl saves the day and the big strong vampire cannot resist her or stand to see her hurt in any way. She holds all the cards. Come on, let us have our fantasy!

[Malkin71]

I'm all for women being more in touch with their own sexuality and fantasies, etc. I think they should apologize to no one for them...

So long as they aren't also judging men for their sexuality and fantasies, etc.

[graceland9]

Great piece, Vicki - you're one of my favorite writers! You made me laugh away my baby blues with your Girlfriend books!

[JDM73]

Really? Women still want a guy who cuts down trees and punches people in the nose? Imagine that. Men still want pretty, youthful-looking women with great bodies...does this mean we can stop being called "pigs" now?

[MIMom]

No. :)

[Malkin71]

No, dude, our porn is bad because we watch it, their is good because they read it, don't you get it?

[arabianway]

I love the idea of a public punch in the nose, but then the punchee turns around and sues! See the aforementioned detestible P. Hilton.

Tried reading Twilight, but it just didn't grab me hard enough. The closest thing to a romance novel I have ever read is "Gone with the Wind."

Cinematically, it would be VERY hard to beat Daniel Day-Lewis in "The Last of the Mohicans".

[Balzac]

Yeah, you've got to be ready deal with the blow-back if you're going pop off in public.

[CarbonDate]

Exactly. Make it worth your while. One punch in the back of the head isn't enough. Once you start down the path of violence, you are compelled to continue until you reach its conclusion.

[MIMom]

TLOTM was so intense I only have watched it once.

GWTW was a TERRIBLE movie, sorry. I tried to read the book once in high school. Normally, large books don't scare me, but this edition was HUGE with tiny print. I decided that I didn't care that much.

Scarlett was an OK novel, but it would never consider it a classic.

[Epiphany2b]

My daughter was 18 when GWTW first appeared on TV. We sat down to watch it together, neither one having seen it before. I knew the story line . . . but my daughter, after the first 10 minutes or so, was totally convinced it was a poorly produced comedy. We just couldn't finish watching it. Terrible movie indeed!!!

[873450]

"I'm sick of justifications and weak explanations across the board--from the philanderers to Wall Street swindlers to psychopathic international dictators--someone needs to just once, haul off and punch them, in public."

Someone did!

Remember the Iraqi journalist expressing his nation's gratitude by hurling shoes at W during his farewell "It sure was fun destroying your country and killing 100,000 muslims!" press conference?

Historians will rate the hilarious video depicting a cowering W ducking behind a lecturn to dodge a reporter's flying shoes as one of the defining images of his presidency; right up along side the following:

"My Pet Goat"
"Mushroom Cloud"
"God told me to spread democracy around the world."
"We are in a Crusade!"
"Mission Accomplished!"
"Bring Em On!"
"I can't find the WMD under my desk in the Oval Office! Where could it be? Heh! Heh! Heh!"
"Watching New Orleans drown from aboard Air Force One"
"Heckuva Job Brownie!"
"The jury's still out on evolution."
"What did Saddam Hussein have to do with the terrorist attacks on 09/11? - Nothing!"
"Angela Merkel's Shoulder Massage"
"Turn Off the Cameras - Wall Street Got Drunk"
.

[Rosey]

Perfect! Girlie men.....

[eilish]

Loved this! A great and very funny read. Thanks - and yeah, I'm 50 (ish) and loved Twilight and the barbarian Scots one too. Escapism, anyone?