Girlfriends' Guide to Teenagers: Help Me, PLEASE!

Everybody, please sit down, I have something to share with you: As of this blog, I am going to focus on a single area of concern--TEENAGERS--for the foreseeable future. Yes, you know me as the gadfly who holds forth on everything from pink pubic hair to Sarah Palin (I can't wait till I can write blog about them both in the SAME post!)

But I have been working on my next book, GIRLFRIENDS' GUIDE TO TEENAGERS, for a couple of years now, and it occurred to me that perhaps you readers might want to weigh in with your opinions, personal stories and guidance.

Just to refresh your memory, or inform those of you who don't know me as the author of the GIRLFRIENDS' GUIDES series, I birthed four kids in six years (singletons all) and recently barely survived having an 18, 16, 14 and 12-year-old at the same time. My marriage ended shortly after that, -but that was probably just coincidental. Now I have a 22-year-old son, a 20-year-old daughter, an 18-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter. The bigger the kids, it turns out, the bigger the problems--but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

As usual with my GIRLFRIENDS' GUIDES, this book is not a "parenting guide," but rather a survival guide for us moms (and dads) who are alternately terrified of and disgusted by teen behavior, who secretly want to be teenagers again, and who yearn to protect their teens from the mistakes we parents made all those years ago.

While this book will cover teens of all ages, I'm particularly focused on the parents of pre-teens for two reasons: First, because the dread is so profound at the very beginning of "Mr. Teen's Wild Ride" and the indicators are so vague. Second, because I believe that if a parent has any chance in hell of influencing a teen's behavior, they'd better get their licks in before 8th grade--aka ARMAGEDDON!

What I'd like to ask of you this week is for you to share your top fears, concerns and non-negotiables as far as your teen's behavior is concerned. Let me start with some of mine; starting with the biggest worries to the lesser ones:

1. That My Teen Will Die. There, I've said the unspeakable bogeyman. We rarely voice this terror, but it's implied in our fears of drunk driving, drug use, reckless behavior and, of course, DEPRESSION--that could lead to a teen taking his or her own life.

2. That Someone, a Stranger or a Friend, Will Abuse My Teen

3. That My Teen Will Be a Party to an Unwanted Pregnancy

4. That My Teen Will Get Kicked Out of School and Have No Job Prospects

5. That My Teen Will Sincerely Believe that Oral Sex Is Not SEX

6. That My Teen Will Have an Eating Disorder--No Matter if it's Obesity or Anorexia

7. That My Child Will Get a Sexually-Transmitted Disease That Sticks Around AFTER Antibiotics

8. That My Child Talks to Sexual Predators Online and Meets Up With Them

9. That My Child Really Means it When He/She Screams, "I HATE YOU!!"

There, that's a start. Now let's see what you all can add or reiterate to that list. I'm forever grateful, and, NO, I will not be sharing my royalties with you.

 

 

 

Comments

[Rebecca Kavanagh]

06:46 AM on 03/24/2010

Vicki, I discovered you while pregnant with my first. How lucky for me! You helped me laugh my way through that and my second pregnancy, as well as babyhood and those head-scratching toddler days. And now, because you love me, you are writing another book just for me at just the right time. My baby is 10 going on 13. I cannot wait to hear what you've got to tell me about these years.

Wish I could have read through the previous 95 comments to see if I'm being redundant but I'm out of time today (already, at 6:43 a.m., God help me). So here's what I want to read about: Surviving the preteen social scene! How can I help my girl get through fickle friendships, queens of mean (and what if she turns out to be the mean one?), kinda-sorta liking boys and boys kinda-sorta liking her back, what to do when everyone gets her period before she does or she gets her period before everyone else, how to help when she likes the same boy as her best friend, how to control my mama lion urges when I see her friends-since-kindergarten being brats to her....oh, the list goes on. I'm quite certain you had topics such as these on your list, but you asked so I spoke up. I will be first in line at the bookstore for this one. THANK YOU!

[JenDC]

03:29 PM on 03/23/2010

That's definitely a pretty comprehensive list. I also worry about the kids not being independent enough. As a 7th grade teacher, I find that this generation of pre-teens are lazy, entitled and don't take responsibility for many things. We need to teach our children responsibility, accountability, respect, and independence. I worry that my children would need to hold my hand for every tough decision and I want them to consult me but also have their own opinions and input. I want my children to treat others with respect and fairly. I worry about bullying and how mean others can be but I worry that they could be those mean kids. Which would also lead me to really worry that they make bad choices or go down the wrong path.

[zagyzebra]

12:18 PM on 03/21/2010

I don't come from a place of fear. I come from a place of hope. If I had negotiated my 14-year-old's upbringing out of fear of what might, or might not, happen, he would be one truly f-d up kid by now. At this point, I can clearly see how his personality has shaped up and the direction he's heading in, and I have nothing but hope for him. Fear serves no purpose whatsoever.

[jennbeez]

12:01 PM on 03/21/2010

When you say it's so much harder to raise kids these days, I call bull sh *t. Our poor parents had to deal with their kids coming of age in the free love generation (who knew about STDs?) And pot smoking? Puhleese. I have two brain cells left, and they are waving bye-bye to each other. Raising kids these days is cake. This generation is so anti-drug that I (the parent!) have to sneak behind the barn for a Marlboro. Be grateful that we have it so easy. Oh, and call your mom and apologize. You know for what, I don't have to tell you.

[skymuffin]

12:25 PM on 03/23/2010

For what? Not listening? Not spending quality time with me? Telling me that I'm "an ugly child and will never amount to anything"? Sure, we get along now, but we're not close the way she would like. Watch those words in the heat of the moment, because your children will never forget.

[jennbeez]

10:23 PM on 03/28/2010

No, my dear. I was speaking to people who now find themselves in the parent seat and like to complain about how tough they have it. They should remember what they said and did when they were kids first before venting on their own kids. For every story I tell my mom about my teens, she has two remembrances that put me in a less than perfect light :)

[oldandintheway1]

11:56 AM on 03/21/2010

11. That my kid will do spur of the moment stupid things that will cause problems for ME.

[Cynthia Rays]

11:47 AM on 03/21/2010

I fear that the world is in such a state my teenager will not have health care, security from our endless wars, have any opportunities for a job to share her talents. I fear she won't fight to make the world better, by becoming too cynical when power overwhelms rights. Helping your child become interested in what is going on in the world and taking care of her own health, emotional and physical is important. Finding interests t hat can keep her going throughout her life, like music or a sport like running, soccer, basketball or tennis helps.

[MidwestMomma]

12:36 PM on 03/21/2010

Amen! And in all things important...be a good example, admit your shortcomings, and accept theirs.

[Mother77]

11:38 AM on 03/21/2010

10. That my child will learn self respect. Respect starts with oneself. This is not ego, this is healthy "Don't Tread on Me" issues. This is a teenager's knowing how to say, "no" to another's sexual advances. It is a young person's ability to say no to peer pressure to drugs. It is the beginning of a healthy individual in the social fabric. With self-respect comes healthy boundaries and humility.

[momcat54]

11:20 AM on 03/21/2010

I taught teens for thirty one years I raised three of my own. All those feas are reall , too real. We lost our oldest daughter to teen suicide at 15, She was bight , beautiful, talented and a consumate actress. We never knew the depression she was hiding. The grief and horrror and guilt were magnified by the fact that as a proffesional I should have seen the signs, that I missed them ALL. It is amazing that you can miss what is right under your eyes in your own home. This did however make us extra vigilant, she claims over vigilant ,with our younger daughter.. Raising children is just hard. Your struggle, you do the best you can and you deal with a world that changes every day and that contains dangers we could never have concieved of growing up;ourselves God bless you and God hellp you.

[BonnieNesbitt]

11:01 AM on 03/21/2010

As the mother of two boys, 16 and 12 and a former HS teacher, the fear that I have is that my children will grow up to do what they think they should do rather than want to do. I want my sons to find their passion and then find a way to make a living at it. I know too many adults who got degrees that they thought would make them the most money and found little joy.

For parents of younger children, always respect your child, highlight their strengths and help them understand their weaknesses. Celebrate who they are. We've had great joy.

[mgpayne]

10:01 AM on 03/21/2010

All I can say is that you do survive those years. You have more gray hair, hope they do the next right thing and pray. There comes a time when around 14 you have to realize that they are going to do what they want when they want. You continue to love them, instruct them, try to know their firends and their friends parents and yes the ever dreaded punishment. The punishment is the hard one I am not sure who is really punished the parent or the child.

My husband and I stayed together for the children mainly because neither one of us wanted to be the one who had to take them with us. Now we stay together as a unit to protect ourselves from them. Yes it does get harder the older they get. They come back and they bring people with them.

But there is a silver lining, they now have teenagers and we just sit back and watch the show. Maybe next time we should take popcorn with us. It is especially rewarding when they say was I like that and you can say YES YES YES.

[jillclaire]

10:27 AM on 03/21/2010

thank you. you have given me strength to go on.

[uhavenoface]

09:05 AM on 03/21/2010

i'm afraid my teenager won't have sex, smoke, drink, or do drugs and that when they're older they'll regret having a boring a childhood

[rljon]

08:29 AM on 03/21/2010

that my kids will buy into the pop-cultures jamming Jay-z, maddonna, Lady Gaga and all other types of unorginal greedy props. They dont think Beyonce ass shaking and I need a thug man is cool or orginal or written by the people "singing'and liberating yet but I cant keep the liberal vile mainstream culture away from them forever.

[oldandintheway1]

11:51 AM on 03/21/2010

Maybe you should consider changing that statement to " the vile CORPORATE mainstream
culture", it would be MUCH more accurate.

[allicansayiswow]

05:46 AM on 03/21/2010

Great List! I have 4 kids as well; ages 20,18,17,and 15; when people ask me if it was hard when they were younger, I respond 'it was nothing compared to what it is now!" The past 5 years have been the most difficult parenting years BY FAR!

[UltimateLifestyle]

02:55 AM on 03/21/2010

That's a fairly intense list my love - I think you have all the good stuff covered!

Only other points would be dealing with your teenagers socializing with gang / criminal activities and drug / alcohol use.

Lara
http://ultimatelifestyleproject.com

[lisakaz2]

02:22 AM on 03/21/2010

Maybe one of the fears is being asked a question the parent doesn't want to answer or feels he/she cannot answer. One of my core beliefs in dealing with young adults (as a college professor) is never lie to your students. I cannot endorse it and cannot abide by it, hating it if the TX board requires it or someone else does it. I knew this guy who, after having one daughter (now has 2) said that he would tell her that he and his wife were virgins when they married. It was of course a lie. I think that causes all sorts of problems and is predicated on the inabilities of this guy to talk about a topic and answer questions to the best of his truthful ability.

[RobinSeattle]

08:30 AM on 03/21/2010

You are so spot on.

I grew up as a working class kid and experienced all kinds of crap when I was growing up. I smoked pot and drank, got arrested a couple of times for misdemeanors, hung out and occasionally partied with hispanic gang members, had sex, and I had what you would call good, above average educated parents who leveled with us about almost everything. They didn't bs us and my dad was a firm disciplinarian. None of those things turned out to be the end of the world. Then I went to college and graduated with honors, lived overseas and on and on.

Kids have to have some kind of independence. All you can do is say, "look, here are your choices, here is what can happen, here is what I went through, and think about what you do because your actions may have unintended consequences that could really put you in a world of hurt." Being honest will keep the lines of communication open. Being dishonest will cause kids to roll their eyes at everything you say and make you look like a lamer.