Girlfriends' Guide To Very Personal Grooming: Business Above The Belt, Party Down Below

I am a fastidious woman. Not an obsessive woman. Not a helplessly narcissistic woman. Just fastidious. My every day routine includes flossing, leg and pit shaving, hair washing and conditioning, pumicing my feet, applying sunblock and clean clothes. You will never find me picking the jeans I wore yesterday off the floor and slipping them back on today. Nor will you see me with my roots grown an inch from my scalp. Not that there's anything wrong with doing it differently, in fact the hair thing is rather stylish for blondes sometimes, but it's just not me. Nails done every two weeks, hair colored every three weeks and haircut every four. So when I noticed last winter that a person (this person) does not only get gray hair on her curtains, but that sooner or later it's bound to show up on her carpet (like nearly a decade later!), I did what any fastidious woman would do--I consulted my Girlfriends.

Long ago I learned that nothing that happens to me, no matter how humiliating, terrifying or off-putting, is unique to me. All I have to do is speak up in an honest and humble way, and I'll have Girlfriends gathering around to tell me about how the same things, or even worse, have happened to them, but they've been too afraid to talk about them, too. That was the birth of my series of books called the Girlfriend Guides. We reveal our perceived inadequacies and imperfections to each other and within five minutes we're collapsed in tearful relief and laughing hard enough to pee ourselves. Within ten minutes, we have shared our coping mechanisms or accidental solutions to our problems, and thus, ladies and gentlemen, is women's tribal wisdom collected.

So, at a friend's annual Christmas Party for her 150 closest girlfriends, I asked my tablemates if they knew what to do with the gray hair down below. "I just pluck them right out!" shared one lovely. "I don't think I've got any down there," replied another, to which her best friend responded, "You can't even read a menu anymore without glasses, so how would you know?" Our hostess threw in from across the room that her own advice for solving the problem of mismatched carpets and curtains was to throw the carpet out." Wax it all off!" was her edict.

I stayed silent for a few seconds at that, having tried that once and finding it too drafty and too inauthentic to be a mother of four pretending not to have entered puberty yet, but I didn't want to reveal that much just then. We women have been waxing and shaving the bikini area for over two decades, but if I'd been asleep at the wheel during a 24-year marriage and had not noticed that every other sexual woman agreed with our hostess, I certainly didn't want to be subjected to the scorn and pity of all the "hot girls." But then our Girlfriend, Kelly, who just happened to be walking by our table at that moment shared without breaking stride, "The Paint Box. That's who you have to call. I'll email the number to you. They even do hot pink!" HOT PINK? Well that was good news, kind of, because if people were going Pink, at least they had some hair down there to dye, right?

I called--the next day! Sure enough, I was told that Hot Pink is a particular favorite among their clients. Ok, I live in Los Angeles, the birthplace of all outlandish ideas, so I decided to see if this was a phenomenon particular to my hometown by conducting a national search online to further investigate "gentle" (read: pubic) hair dyes for the nether regions. Two oft-searched sites offered all the traditional top-of-the-head hair colors that humans are born with and...that's right, Hot Pink! Not lime green, not turquoise, not neon blue, but plenty of Hot Pink.

From what I've been told by the people who provide these grooming services, their clients aren't strippers and nude models, either (at least not yet, but a girl can dream!) Suddenly I imagined hundreds of women in my hometown: teachers, surgeons, city council women, mothers, all dressed for work on the outside and partying down below with their hot pink landing strips or V shapes. Isn't that fabulous? Is that what Tina Turner meant in Private Dancer?

Imagine that the woman writing you a parking ticket has Hot Pink underneath her regulation stretchy gray pants. It makes you like her more already. If teenaged boys knew about this, there would be chaos in the classrooms taught by females. And, if I'm to believe another website called Sweetspot.com that was suggested by a leading women's magazine, many of these same women are applying "balancing" scents (alcohol-free, natch) there, too. I guess one has to work to keep a party going all day long.

I feel like such an old hag right now confessing that, although it's already June, I have yet to make an appointment to do anything about my carpets or curtains. At this point in my life, I don't know if I will ever be throwing a party down there again--like most parties, it all sounds like a lot of cleaning up to do in the morning. And, if single people are accustomed to such extraordinarily well-groomed "gardens," I'm not only not as fastidious as I think, but I would appear rather simian to the metropolitan. Staying attractive is all so much work and bother, but I don't want to get lazy during these early days of freedom. Should I give it a shot, or will I just look like someone who got drunk and lost at Truth or Dare. I just hope that if this race continues till I'm sixty, someone will have the good taste and charity to shoot me.

I don't want to ruin all the fun by asking all this is done for the reveler's own enjoyment, or if it's really just to score an invitation to someone else's party. For today, I'm just going to end this blog by saying one thing; the proprietor of one of these grooming salons mentioned that women are bringing their men in more and more for what's called "rabbit tale" grooming for guys. You figure it out. I did and it sounds fair to me.

Comments

[BunkerBoy]

I haven't read all the comments, so some of this may have already been mentioned.

The clean-shaven look for women emanated (like so many sexual trends) from pornography (or perhaps strip clubs -- chicken or egg). Lazy directors/­videograph­ers solved the problem of unclear views by encouraging the women to shave. The viewing public approved, and soon began encouraging their significant others to do the same.

At some point, a mythology around the practice developed, and now you find an entire generation of young males who consider unshorn women to be unattractive, unclean or even skanky. The odor "problem" is especially humorous in this regard. I, for one, am hard-wired to find the scent of a woman intoxicating, and having a full carpet only enhances the aromatic appeal.

What is hilarious, though, is that the tables have turned on the men, and they are now expected to do their own grooming. What goes around comes around, I guess. Enjoy your 30-minute showers, fellas, and please be careful!

[LiberalBuzz]

That's complete nonsense. I worked in the adult industry off and on for years. Shaving was verboten because the producers actually were afraid it would get them in trouble. It had NOTHING to do with "lazy directors" or whomever. I never once ever heard a director complain about hair. And I would bet you just made that up.

The clean smooth look first started with runway models who had to be smooth for all the work they did that involved lingerie and other types of clothing that would involve areas where a dark patch would be unattractive.

I have been into the smooth look since I first saw it on a model in 1976. I LOVE going down and not worrying about hair in my mouth or teeth. AND yes I am not a fan of a heavy odor that hair can sometimes have. I have never had a complaint from the women who have gone along with my desire and it wasn't until the 90's that the smooth look took hold and I for one am happy as he// about it.

As for grooming myself, I have no problem with it at all. and it doesn't take a 30 minute shower to do it.

[AnotherHuddy]

Well, there is evidence to suggest that the times are changing back.

[BunkerBoy]

Perhaps I could have worded my comments better. The clean smooth look may have originated with runway models, but the strong preference for the look among today's young males came from porn.

[kerumbo]

Most women get razor burn from shaving , big red bumps, and it's FUGLY. Not because any so-called imperfections are unattractive, but because it looks PAINFUL, like this poor woman has hurt herself, and for no good reason. Which makes me feel bad, not good.

I mean, all women are still beautiful, but in most cases the shaving is NOT an enhancement, unless perhaps thoroughly airbrushed in Photoshop.

I consider myself a "normal" male (although, admittedly, don't we all?), and I like a natural look. And I will admit that, even for me, there are some women who could be enhanced by just a bit of grooming -- women who (as with some men), have the treeline up around the navel, and extending down until, as some comedian once said, it looks like they're growing a tail. If that's you, you know it, and I would endorse some pruning, not to look pre-pubescent but to scale back from an extreme.

But for the most part, I say it's all part of nature, and let it grow. It's nice, it's womanly, and I love it.

[Chaimirija]

thankYou

[leftcoastindy]

Very interesting article. Wish I had read it 20 years ago. Less hair is almost always better. If you haven't tried it, your comments are less than worthless.

[PopulistPagan]

A quick note on "Manscaping"

Yes I agree that men should take care of their love garden as well. But if the occasional gray hair shows up on one of the family jewels please DONT PLUCK IT!

It appears that the root of the testes hair is deep. Combine that with the elasticity of the surrounding skin and what you have is a recipe for pain. I estimate the distance at close to 22" of stretch at my last (and first and only) attempt at gray sack hair removal by tweezer. After I stopped crying I noticed the gray hair was still there (still is) but way more curly.

[Chaimirija]

I can't stop laughing...way more curly crack

seriously, hope it feels better..

[lilymarie14]

OH LOL!!!

[Isis N]

Hugh Jackman had a few comments on how doing such a thing made him cry for his scenes during "The Fountain"...

[equivoque]

Such strong views for the "natural" argument seem contrary to what is acceptable for facial, breast and top-not standards! I have chosen to remove body hair below my neck in a way which I have felt more comfortable for well over 20 years and it has nothing to do with delusions of pre-pubescence. I don't get my nails done or go to my hairdressing salon every 4 weeks. I don't consider clean shaven men with very short hair as "high maintenance" any more than I do myself. It is a personal choice.

Super short or shaven is not time consuming if you spend a minute or two in the shower - and I mean a minute or two! I don't think it is more or less attractive, it is something with which I am comfortable and the fact that my man loves me for who I choose to be is everything.

Thank God, you aren't allowed to judge me on what I do in my bathroom - YET!

[camoline]

I have always, at least the last 15 years, lived with the motto---"No poodle down there"! Nair or Veet takes care of the problem. Waxing scares me!!!
My man has now started trimming, after I did it for him the first time, and he is enjoying the benefits!!!

[Chaimirija]

poodles are more attractive than chiwowuhs

[marxmarv]

Hairless cat is where it's at.

[theistus]

Hard wood floors have nothing to do with pre-pubescent fixation, although I wonder if the ones who worry about that have their thing going on there. It is visually more exposing (you can see more). It reduces odor (less surface area for bacteria). It makes certain oral pleasures easier (no one likes have to spit out hair, and the exposed flesh is more sensitive). It doesn't all have to come off, but yard maintenance is well worth the effort.

And that all goes for MEN as well. Trim the hedges guys.

[equivoque]

theistus - laughed at that one and I AGREE. I loooove doing the "thing" but consuming and breathing in hair is not fun. Furthermore, I have been told (but really don't care) that trimming the hedges makes the tree look way better. If it is good for them, then it's great for me.

[martinchill]

ms iovine - if fascination with prepubescence is any issue at all, then i'm forced to comment that your haircut makes you look like a twelve-year-old pixie. saying it's cool to dye it pink but gross to shave it is equally juvenile.

[GlenRast]

The whole point of garbage like this is simple....­.marketing­.

Create grooming and style norms that cause women to buy products they don't need. I'm not saying that a some men aren't dumb enough to buy into the same BS but the pressure on women to live up to these phony standards is greater.

[snork]

disagree. having tried both ways, skin is more pleasant.

point in proof: would you rather lick my scalp or the back of my hand? (if you had to choose, there is no comparison)

[TremoluxMan]

As a 61-year-old man, I'm in a constant state of bemusement at the trivial things women obsess over. There isn't one item on Vicki's list, given the male equivalent, that 95% of men would give a passing thought, let alone worry about.

We perform the three S's every morning, Sh*t, Shave, and Shower and we're good to go.

Women; ah, we love 'em despite themselves.

[writerjohnny]

The Tremolux had one of the best "dirty" sounds ever. I was a Twin Reverb guy myself but I digress. The fact that the two of us took the time to read this article in "Living" means we aren't the complete neanderthals we'd like to think we are. At 56 I have dyed my beard a few times to match the top of my head in response to a wife request but generally your points are well taken. Pink, gray or gone on my wife is all good to me at this point.

[TremoluxMan]

In '64, I used to crank it and my Airline Triple Pick-up would make it break up real sweet. That old plank weighed about 14 pounds, I swear. My left shoulder is still 2" lower than my right.

[beanchihuahua]

Maybe the merkin will make a comeback..

[jsump]

Whenever I happen upon this column I start to sweat ('cause I'm a guy). Its your yard. You can mow it anyway you want. However, it seems ridiculous to me to defoliate because of a couple of weeds. Furthermore, I prefer that all yards have some grass. But I'm no bigot, I'll visit even if you choose to pave the entire lot.

[davism97]

This page is cracking me up. Why not stop beating around the bush and start calling things what they actually are. Oh wait this is America that's why ...

[hominidx]

Or it's done with a sense of humor and your psychology class doesn't qualify you as a mind reader.

[huzzah]

I find this article offensive. The suggestion that there's anything wrong with donning the same pair of jeans on consecutive days is terrible. Everyone knows that they start to peak, comfort-wise, around day 3. Barring heavy sweating or a spill or some other stain-producing incident, there's no reason not to wear them again. That's just being snooty.

[mamacat]

Arrgghh!

Why do women let themselves be subjected to so much peer pressure? When it comes to politics, Ron Paul gets kudos for being an independent and worthwhile thinker, but women feel that they have to go along with the crowd?

The article is fun to read, but for real, why can't women just do what they think and feel is the right thing to do?

Maybe I need to stop butting my head against the wall, but it does seem to me that most heterosexual women are obsessed with conforming with what they think most other heterosexual women think is beautiful, and that makes sense?

[alexis d]

Did you really just bring Ron Paul into a discussion about pubic hair grooming?

You really did.

[MagicalPossibilities]

LMAO!

[mamacat]

I was reading about how he stands up to peer pressure, and somehow it made sense to me that no one should shave themselves down there because it is thought to be the latest thing to do. Experimentation is one thing, but going along with the crowd is another.

[DesertTruth]

You know.. I do what I find comfortable.. and what my husband likes. Just because that happens to go along with what millions of people also find comfortable, doesn't mean that I'm following the crowd. Some people just care about themselves and come up with things to do with the issues that they have. Just because they discuss it to share their experiences, doesn't mean that they are pressuring anyone else to use the same solution.

Oh yeah, and I'm almost 30 and I shave it all off ^.~

[marxmarv]

I, for one, salute you.

[vim876]

Because other heterosexual women are believed to set the standards that heterosexual women have been brainwashed since childhood to believe they have to fit in order to be worthy of love. As for me, let a thousand flowers bloom!

[Chaimirija]

I care not what other chcks think of my p'chatta

[primordialsoup]

I don't have a problem with any style a woman chooses to sport. There is one thing though. I have a full beard, and I've noticed that if my hair isn't competing with hers, she gets more enjoyment.