Girlfriends' Guide: Why I Won't Be Asking Santa For A Bodyguard This Christmas

Let's not get distracted by asking why in the world I would ever even think I might need personal protection -- my delusions are my own business. I'm just saying that, via some odd cosmic coincidence, bodyguards have been on my mind.

U2 performed in Southern California on Sunday and I scored a pre-show party pass. It wasn't an excruciatingly discriminating guest list to my eye, but I was thrilled to be in a big tent with places to sit and tray-served champagne. Just as I was fluffing up with self-importance for sharing oxygen with everyone from Frank Gehry to Paris Hilton, I was nearly knocked to the floor by what looked like an NFL reject who had traded helmet and pads for a navy blue blazer and an earpiece.

It wasn't the first time I've been collateral damage to the rapid ingress or egress of a VIP, so I knew the duck, roll and quick turn required to survive the blow AND see the special person who is in need of protection from me. She was stunning -- taller than her bodyguards -- and well, nobody. Well, I'm sure she's somebody to her children and famous husband, but no one who I could conceive of as being in imminent danger of attack.

That's when I learned the first reason why I won't be asking for a bodyguard of my own from Santa:

Unless You Have a Real Reason, Such As A Written and Notorized Kidnapping Threat Against You Or Are Venturing Into Known Insurgency Territory, Your Bodyguard Makes You Look Like An Ass With A Personality Disorder.

Shortly before the "clipping" incident, however, I visited Colombia. You know, the South American country made famous here in the US by the Medillin cocaine cartels and FARC rebels. For the record, the country is not only gorgeous, but also reassuringly safe these days after years of strife. Still, bodyguards are de rigueur accessories among the wealthy and influential. In certain affluent areas, bodyguards stand at the entries of residential apartment buildings and follow mommies and kids down to the local parks.

Nonetheless, they are a dubious luxury if you ask me. I heard a tale of a recent terrorist attack on someone's domestic bodyguards. It was no big deal; I was reassured, because the only things the terrorists took were the bodyguards' Uzis. What a relief -- just a few more semi-automatic guns in the hands of crazy young men. Which leads to the second reason I won't be asking for a bodyguard from Santa:

If You Brings Weapons Into Your Environment, You May Be Killed With Them.

That's why I've never considered keeping a gun in my house for protection. If the need to use one arose, I knew I'd be as careful and deliberate as Barney Fife, as would all my semi-hysterical family members. If we didn't shoot each other, we would most certainly suffer the trampling casualties most commonly seen in soccer crowds as we clawed our ways over each other to escape the threat.

A few days ago, I read that Taliban militants attacked a guesthouse in Kabul, Afghanistan. UN workers, several of whom were killed, favored this guesthouse. Now, I'm just a civilian going out on a limb here, but I've got to think that somebody somewhere knew that this was a dangerous place to live and I'm going to bet they had security. Nonetheless, it all went walkabout in an instant. "Where were the bodyguards and security forces?" I silently asked the online Washington Post article.

Well, judging from the reports that have been coming in regarding the private security force hired to protect the American Embassy in Kabul, they were busy hiring hookers and photographing each other in drunken quasi-homosexual pool parties that were required attendance for new young guards seeking promotions and plum postings.

Which leads to the third reason I won't be asking for a bodyguard this Christmas:

No Matter How Well-Intentioned Bodyguards May Be, Sex Will Always Trump a Client's Need For Protection.

Come to think of it, that's pretty much true in all aspects of life when group hormones gather and reproduce. I have little doubt that an assassin in the form of an attractive and willing sex partner can penetrate (accidental but noted pun!) the most conscientious security schemes if human beings are involved in their enforcement. I've seen women develop strong personal attachments to their own bodyguards and the guards end up functioning as the hybrid, Escort/Personal Security. Picture Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner in "The Bodyguard." In the old days of chivalry, I believed another term they used for this hybrid was Husband. Which also raises the question: From whom is the client being protected, exactly?

Personally, I'm still not over President George W. Bush's visit to Iraq when a guy in the press conference launched not one, but two shoes at our Chief Executive. Let's see if I had this right; the President was in a conflicted and occasionally hostile environment, he had the most exquisitely trained and exquisitely handsome bodyguards available on earth, he was particularly unpopular in the region at the time and still the guy got the second shoe to the target! And that leads to the fourth reason why I'm not asking for a bodyguard:

Bodyguards Generally Recognize Danger At About the Same Time
The Victim Recognizes It.

George didn't get clocked in Iraq because he has superb reflexes for a guy his age and he ducked, twice. If you follow my blogs, you know that I believe that Congressman Joe Wilson should have been taken down by the Secret Service when he aggressively called President Obama a liar, so I'm a strict constructionist where bodyguard performance is concerned.

I guess the lessons are two: First, instinct is our most effective security. If we are in threatening territory, we should be bold enough to be afraid. Heads down and ears up is always a good posture. And second, bodyguards are humans and as easily distracted and bored as the pilots on that Northwest flight who overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles.

So, I guess it's back to the Neiman Marcus Wish List for my inspiration this Christmas.

Comments

[minapod]

I live in on the west side of LA and have had the opportunity to see Pamela Anderson's female body guard protecting her on several occasions. My sense was that she had guns strapped to every part of her body that one could strap of gun to. She has the stature, presence, and focus of someone you would not want to second guess. I highly doubt that anything could distract or deter her from executing her job perfectly.

[aliceautumn]

I do see why the wealthy or upper middle class in Columbia needs body guards to prevent kidnappings which are a popular fundraising method. As for the Ho-Wood types I think they do it just to be able to cut in line and get to places faster without having to plow through a crowd. I sure needed one at the last Macy's One Day Sale Early Bird Hours. But then some peoples time seems to be much more valuable than mine. That's for you bitch who cut in line just as I made it up to the cashier in Petites!

[Natalee]

As you were talking about cute bodyguards, whatever happened to the perfect 10 that was guarding Mr. Obama in Hawaii last December? He should be guarding him all the time, especially when he's on the television. Yum. Incidentally, the Neiman Marcus Christmas catalogue arrived yesterday. Not sure a body guard would not be as affordable...but I digress.

[Kirantana]

Very cute...yeah you are right, you are just a civilian going out on a limb. As a former guard I can tell you it is no walk in the park to be responsible for someone's life, and the stresses of doing it in a war zone are beyond the comprehension of most readers here. All I'll say is when I came back from Bosnia, I walked a little taller. Your insulting wit towards those who put their lives on the line to protect others won't do that for you...

[ReelBusy]

"Bodyguards Generally Recognize Danger At About the Same Time
The Victim Recognizes It.

This is not true.
Pro's see the threat before the target.

[Torontogosh]

Fantastic article.

I once read that Keith Olberman, who is certainly disliked by many, takes (article was a few years ago) the NY train system to ball games when he was the announcer. If he doesn't need a security team, I doubt anyone else would either .

[GreatNews27]

I have to admit that I do have a bodyguard. I find it necessary due to the rude and disrepectable behavior of most of our fellow human beings. My bodyguard has trained years for the job and can stop a salesperson with one look. My bodyguard does not carry a gun either. Looks and language are the tools of the trade. Because, I swear, once she gives you that LOOK and opens her mouth, you know it's time to back off. She's also a good cook. She does, however, have extremely cold feet.

Love you, dear.

[Realitylost]

Most of the hollywood crowd need the big body guards to keep the papparrazi out of their face, they shouldn't need them, but there it is.

[ReelBusy]

Ever hear of Stalkers?

Ever hear of Kelly Frank, who once worked as a painter at Letterman's Montana ranch, and allegedly planned to kidnap the talk show host's son and nanny in 2005 for a $6 million ransom.

Ever hear of the murder of "My Sister Sam" actress Rebecca Schaeffer?

it's not the picture takers the talent is worried about so get your facts straight.

[Realitylost]

I didn't say it was the only reason they needed the bodyguards, so save your rant for someone who doesn't agree with you. The bodygaurds I'm talking about are the large defensive linemen size crowd control guys you see with stars when they are out in public. The guys in charge are usually higher paid older retired cops or FBI that is who would be on for what your talking about.

[Cathy Tibbles]

Always entertaining VIcki!! :)

[ZumaBlue]

Too funny. Thanks for helping us start the day with a good laugh -

[sonoffestus]

If you need a bodyguard, you might want to think about how you're living your life.

[KIVPossum]

Come on, you're just jealous that you can't afford a bodyguard.

Funny and original blog. Thanks.

[jcwtts1]

Wow,

ok, I'll take Bush first. My impression was that the secret service recognized a shoe and were looking for the guns that would follow. Bare with me. I have a guy throw a shoe at you, the secret service attacks the guy and I have an unobstructed path to my target. I have confusion as a brawl ensues and I have an unobstructed path to my target. I distract the guards then kill the target. So, if they threw a knife at the president someone would have put a bullet in the guys head. But a shoe. Well, as you said the Pres had good reflexes. See, in a culture where people throw shoes as an insult a shoe is well just a shoe. But if the guy had thrown say a backpack? you would have seen a different response. As for the rest, I'm 6'5" I don't need a bodyguard but you never know what is up with individual people with money and access. I try not to judge. Otherwise pretty funny blog.

J

[JustThisGuy]

A shoe worn on an airplane may be a bomb, but one tossed at the Pres is just a shoe, and the secutiry people could tell in 2 seconds? Then again, I don't know how well the journalists were screened to see him.