Switching Sides Later In Life
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" was a clever little slogan of the Women's Movement during the Seventies. Little did I realize then how prescient it would prove to many of my peers as they hit middle age. In the past five years, I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-with-children Girlfriends have bolted from their traditional family geometry and found true love with other women. It's happening in the Parent's Associations of my kids' schools, in my knitting group, in my yoga class and it's a big topic in women's 12-Step groups throughout Los Angeles (and lesbianism was not the addiction they were trying to overcome.) Once I became aware of this quiet Pink Revolution, I couldn't not see it everywhere I looked. But it was comedian Carol Leifer's new book, When You Lie About Your Age The Terrorists Win, that convinced me this stunning phenomenon wasn't exclusive to the experimental, artsy, truth-seeking addicts that make LA such a piquant town--newly minted mid-life lesbianism is a national trend.
My gay brother and other "natural born" homosexuals in my crowd insist that they were gay from day one and that it was a reality, not a decision. I confess that I, personally, had always felt that people who claimed they were "bi" were just smudging the fact that they were gay. But apparently there is this thing called a Kinsey Scale of Sexuality that Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues created in the 1930's and 40's. It ranked people on a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being entirely hetero and 6 being oh-so-homo, and in their studies, most people were somewhere in between. This was in Indiana, a state I would put near the top of my Straight List, but then, my science is only anecdotal and often accidental.
I guess this supports the number of seemingly straight guys, and according to an Oprah show I saw a couple of years ago, African American guys, who live on the DL with their homosexual trysts. But try as I might, I can't find mid-life men in my acquaintance suddenly hooking up with other guys, white, black or brown, and that makes it all the more curious to me. Since the penis seems a good place to start any investigation I will begin there. Because male sex often requires an erection, or -- in other words -- male arousal is visible and therefore not fake-able, it could be said that more women who were born lesbians (versus men who were born homosexual) are in hetero relationships because, really, who could tell the difference, right? That said, women can only fake it up to a point; if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy, eyebrows would eventually be raised in any sensible fellow. And then again, a faked orgasm probably fooled even Dr. Kinsey from time to time.
My Girlfriends who have crossed over after years spent in a satisfying marriage
(satisfaction being entirely subjective) said it had a lot to do with hormones. Well, that word is mine because I think everything is hormonal, but they described the time when they had finished with their biological imperative to move their DNA into the future. That makes sense to me; in their most fertile years they were driven by the same frothy hormonal milkshake that makes teenagers yearn to couple up and steam up the inside of their cars at night and keeps women keenly aware of their biological clocks. For women who are somewhere closer to a 4 or 5 on Kinsey's scale, perhaps once the urge to merge with men dissipates somewhat with the onset of menopause, they ride the "bicycle" less enthusiastically. In fact, I read somewhere that more women than men initiate divorces in middle age and the cliché of men dumping the old model for a hot young one is exaggerated by Hollywood and paparazzi because it is so damn photogenic.
A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands. It's a feeling I admit to experiencing more and more myself, something I like to call the, "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. For more women than I ever knew, this is the profound moment when they decide that a relationship with a person as equipped as they are to discuss complex emotional issues, feed the cat and check the fridge to see what can be turned into a meal all at the same time is like entering the Age of Enlightenment. Not to mention how much better than men's women's sex toys are.
And the sex is great! As Carol Leifer put it (much more succinctly than I) another woman already knows where all the happy spots are and what makes them downright euphoric. She said that it's like knowing your own house--even with the lights off, you still know where all the furniture is. I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after. Think about it, we Girlfriends are usually so intimate with each other in a non-sexual way; we hug and kiss and can even share a bed without thinking about sex. We already behave like lesbians, in fact, most men fantasize that we are, so if we do or don't actually become lesbians isn't necessarily apparent to the outside world. One of my cross-over Girlfriends has gone back and forth between being an occasional lesbian and a hetero wife a couple of times and says it is like being bilingual--she can speak in either tongue. I don't know if the pun was intentional.
Here's what I'm dying to know about mid-life lesbianism--if we choose to become one, can we give up a lifetime of worrying about our weight? Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? If that is true, then the line forms behind me, Ladies!
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I am a little bit confused..
This is just more sexist BS. Sure, most men prefer good-looking women over women who start to look more and more like elephants, but since when have women started to not care about us men's appearance or body fat? Has anyone noticed a trend where only svelte, good-looking women are married or have boyfriends and the heavy ones don't? I sure haven't. Sure, the more pluses a person has on their side, the less a mate will care about appearance, but the problem is still there. My wife and I have been married well over thirty years and if my weight starts to get a bit out of control because of my body slowing down as I get older, she starts commenting when I get at the top of her "attractive" level, asking that I do what's necessary to lose a bit of the extra weight. And I do.
If this woman wants to let her weight get out of control, I say let the lesbians have her. But I suspect she will get the same response from lesbians. And by the way, I've always heard from women that they do everything for themselves or other women, never for us men. So when did women in this country start caring about what we men think?
By the way, what about all the men who prefer heavy women?
Just another whiny woman! Personally, I don't think the lesbians will want to put up with her annoying whining comments either.
first of all, people....
secondly everyone has their own reality. why are we passing opinions on other peoples definitions?
i am 54. i am a lesbian. i was married 2x to men. tried to make it work, but it just didnt work. i have 3 children and 13 grands and a female partner of almost 20 years. My marriages did not end because I left for a woman. They ended because they were not right. But they created 3 children, and there was some enjoyable sex. When i first connected physically with a woman, everything fell into place. Sex was a very minimal part of that (but very enjoyable as well).
For me it's not about sex. its about the whole package. its about all the pieces of a relationship working in concert. its about affectional choices, sexual choices, lifestyle choices. I personally am quite active in the community, because i believe that discrimination is just wrong, but in the rest of my life, i simply am who i am.
I do not need your approval, or your opinions. I need to be treated with the same respect I treat others, and I deserve the same rights that others get.
The one thing that I find troubling is the remark about,the "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. I expect that this happens to women when they get to the point, probably somewhere in their late 30s, early 40s when they have had enough of a house full of Children and a possibly domineering husband. So if Women arrive at this point, having come to the conclusion that it is more conducive to their well being to have the freedom to live on their own and make their own choices, why then do Women expend so much energy in their first years of emancipation trying to force men into relationships. It even goes so far as to use guilt trips like, men are irresponsible and can't settle down or want to commit. Why do this in order to make men marry and then find to their own dissatisfaction that they didn't like marriage either later down the line. Could it be that because Women are no better than men at making good choices whether it be about life or mates. Perhaps the women who have finally developed this syndrome should spend more time educating their younger counterparts as to the downsides of marriage and life with kids and responsibility than promoting it as they seem to. Or is it more a question of misery loving company.
Personally, I take the Cap. Jack Harkness approach to sexuality.
Since Kinsey was a pe.re.ver.t who skewed his data in an attempt to put his own proclivities in a "normal" light, to now quote his research as anything less than tainted is to negate any point you wish to make.
Glad to hear it confirmed that no one is born gay.
Many of your posts reflect your anger and/or fear of homosexuality. Since you're a self-proclaimed Christian (although I haven't seen any evidence that you are in any way Christ-like), how is it that you spend so much time casting judgment on others?
How does someone else's sexual preference threaten you? Born gay, turn gay, whatever - what difference does it make to you? If God or Jesus has a problem with homosexuality, don't you suppose they can handle the situation? I doubt that God needs a hump like you to do His speaking for him.
I guess I know what's at the root of the problem, though, as do many that read your posts - I strongly suspect you're a self-loathing closeted homosexual yourself. Sure - Scotty knows. But guess what - the rest of us know too. Why don't you just come on out - I doubt that gay people will hate you as much as you've claimed to hate them.
So this is an argument for gay as sexual 'preference,' not 'orientation?'
For women maybe. For men no. There's no way a man would "choose" to be gay.
"For women maybe. For men no."
What's the difference?
Womens' right to choose while men are only compelled by unknown mystical forces?
While there's no shortage of bisexual men, female sexuality seems to be more fluid, and that's just how it is. Some people have the luxury of choosing (bisexuals), while the the rest of us are wired to prefer one sex over the other (straight or gay). How did sexual orientation get to be such a fraught topic?? It's so kooky, so batsh*t insane that when I think about it for longer than ten seconds, I feel like I'm hallucinating. Which gender you're attracted to is as unimportant as the color of your eyes. Sleep with a man.....or don't! Sleep with a woman....o
To each his/her own, and that's no problem by me. But as a quality, nice guy -- you know, that finishes-last category -- I have to say this -
I think our societal norms push many women toward men who really aren't fit for much more than donating genetic material. I've seen far too many female friends chase guys who were the self-interested 'aplha male' power types - and guess what they got? Someone unable to really connect with them once the fires died down. Someone totally uninterested in helping to clean the toilets.
I think there is a large factor here of what our societal image of a 'good guy' is. Let's face it, guys aren't on the cover of women's checkstand magazines with their shirts off for their depth of parenting skills or shared household responsibilities. Pretty sure it's the six-pack abs or the money or power.
Just as we promote an unrealistic ideal image of women, we push unhealthy roles for men. I say we, because men drive it, and women respond to it and reinforce it. Along the way, a lot of potentially healthy relationships break down because it either was wrong to start with, or there wasn't an investment made by one or both parties.
And once things start to slow, we also drive a concept of the 'stupid husband.' Watch some day-time TV ads with a critical eye; you'll be amazed how often the central theme is the buffoon husband who gets outsmarted by his long-suffering wife. A perfect pitch to sell products like cleaners that the husband is too disconnected to go buy when the family needs them - leave that up to the wife. Advertisers tapping the same frustrations.
Is it any wonder they leave?
The sad part is people CHOOSING to change their sexual orientation don't seem to see the value in any criteria determining their relations and affairs a notion of "happiness".
But once you leave the husband, divorce, hook up/partner with a another lesbian woman, you will likely find the same or new problems in determining relationships.
The "pursuit of happiness" means what exactly? Do what feels good at the time? It felt good to marry and have kids with a man when you were 25ish. But now you're 55 and it feels good to spoon with another woman.
What's the criteria? An emotion? And what are our kids doing today: doing what makes them feel good and happy?
the kids are figuring out what makes them happy at a much younger age than their parents did, because society overall is a bit more tolerant than it used to be. in the old days, it was so taboo to be queer that almost anyone who realistically COULD find a connection with the opposite gender found a way to do so. although society still tilts people toward straight relationships, i think it's now seen as "suggested" rather than "required.
I think his point was that as it becomes more acceptable, people will drift in and out of those relationships too, chasing some elusive 'feel-good-always' myth, rather than honestly appraise what they need to do to make a relationship (of any kind) work.
Can you 'feel good always?" I would say long-term happiness is attainable, but very different from the instant-gr
My mom left my dad for another woman. She claims she has been bi all her life. Her partner did and said the same thing! There could be some truth to this article!
"Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat?" My mom also gained weight, as did her partner. They figured they didn't have men to please anymore, so why bother. They are both very happy now!
hair and cellulite are no big deal, but i always thought weight should be more a health issue than an attractiveness issue. if you can run a mile without passing out, who cares what shape your body is?
What happened to youe dad?
"I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-wi
Sounds like a self selected group. They were your girlfriends. You were obviously attracted to latent lesbians.
This just gives more credence to the position that homosexuality is a choice.
Nope. Read the article before making statements about it.
Right....t
If you were correct, and you are not, you might oneday be surprised to find yourself in the arms of a person of the same gender. Does this scare you? Maybe those impulses have been there for a while but successfully suppressed. Be careful not to make lengthy eye contact, it might be misinterpreted as flirting. And we know where flirting might lead.....
this is a false dichotomy, because "sexuality" is more than just a set of behaviors. nature dictates who you're attracted to, and choices dictate how you act on those feelings. therefore, who you sleep with is almost always a combination of your nature and your choices. in the recent past, society intimidated most people into only acting on "straight" feelings. now there are more choices available than there used to be.
Age has definitely made me side with the guy who once said, "Hell is other people". Even my job in health care has taken it's toll. I wish that I had a job working with inanimate objects instead but I'm too old to go back to school. Men are producers of misery and lesbianism is no draw. I feel like a seven year old who again who'd rather be an archaeologist and serenely alone.
I think im like a 4...thats creepy. I hope my DH does read this post lol...he might get worried about me going out of town "with the girls" LOL
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