Switching Sides Later In Life

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" was a clever little slogan of the Women's Movement during the Seventies. Little did I realize then how prescient it would prove to many of my peers as they hit middle age. In the past five years, I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-with-children Girlfriends have bolted from their traditional family geometry and found true love with other women. It's happening in the Parent's Associations of my kids' schools, in my knitting group, in my yoga class and it's a big topic in women's 12-Step groups throughout Los Angeles (and lesbianism was not the addiction they were trying to overcome.) Once I became aware of this quiet Pink Revolution, I couldn't not see it everywhere I looked. But it was comedian Carol Leifer's new book, When You Lie About Your Age The Terrorists Win, that convinced me this stunning phenomenon wasn't exclusive to the experimental, artsy, truth-seeking addicts that make LA such a piquant town--newly minted mid-life lesbianism is a national trend.

My gay brother and other "natural born" homosexuals in my crowd insist that they were gay from day one and that it was a reality, not a decision. I confess that I, personally, had always felt that people who claimed they were "bi" were just smudging the fact that they were gay. But apparently there is this thing called a Kinsey Scale of Sexuality that Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues created in the 1930's and 40's. It ranked people on a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being entirely hetero and 6 being oh-so-homo, and in their studies, most people were somewhere in between. This was in Indiana, a state I would put near the top of my Straight List, but then, my science is only anecdotal and often accidental.

I guess this supports the number of seemingly straight guys, and according to an Oprah show I saw a couple of years ago, African American guys, who live on the DL with their homosexual trysts. But try as I might, I can't find mid-life men in my acquaintance suddenly hooking up with other guys, white, black or brown, and that makes it all the more curious to me. Since the penis seems a good place to start any investigation I will begin there. Because male sex often requires an erection, or -- in other words -- male arousal is visible and therefore not fake-able, it could be said that more women who were born lesbians (versus men who were born homosexual) are in hetero relationships because, really, who could tell the difference, right? That said, women can only fake it up to a point; if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy, eyebrows would eventually be raised in any sensible fellow. And then again, a faked orgasm probably fooled even Dr. Kinsey from time to time.

My Girlfriends who have crossed over after years spent in a satisfying marriage
(satisfaction being entirely subjective) said it had a lot to do with hormones. Well, that word is mine because I think everything is hormonal, but they described the time when they had finished with their biological imperative to move their DNA into the future. That makes sense to me; in their most fertile years they were driven by the same frothy hormonal milkshake that makes teenagers yearn to couple up and steam up the inside of their cars at night and keeps women keenly aware of their biological clocks. For women who are somewhere closer to a 4 or 5 on Kinsey's scale, perhaps once the urge to merge with men dissipates somewhat with the onset of menopause, they ride the "bicycle" less enthusiastically. In fact, I read somewhere that more women than men initiate divorces in middle age and the cliché of men dumping the old model for a hot young one is exaggerated by Hollywood and paparazzi because it is so damn photogenic.

A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands. It's a feeling I admit to experiencing more and more myself, something I like to call the, "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. For more women than I ever knew, this is the profound moment when they decide that a relationship with a person as equipped as they are to discuss complex emotional issues, feed the cat and check the fridge to see what can be turned into a meal all at the same time is like entering the Age of Enlightenment. Not to mention how much better than men's women's sex toys are.

And the sex is great! As Carol Leifer put it (much more succinctly than I) another woman already knows where all the happy spots are and what makes them downright euphoric. She said that it's like knowing your own house--even with the lights off, you still know where all the furniture is. I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after. Think about it, we Girlfriends are usually so intimate with each other in a non-sexual way; we hug and kiss and can even share a bed without thinking about sex. We already behave like lesbians, in fact, most men fantasize that we are, so if we do or don't actually become lesbians isn't necessarily apparent to the outside world. One of my cross-over Girlfriends has gone back and forth between being an occasional lesbian and a hetero wife a couple of times and says it is like being bilingual--she can speak in either tongue. I don't know if the pun was intentional.

Here's what I'm dying to know about mid-life lesbianism--if we choose to become one, can we give up a lifetime of worrying about our weight? Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? If that is true, then the line forms behind me, Ladies!

Comments

[Vicki Iovine]

I'd like to hear from some women who have coupled up with other women after being married to men and having children. Come on, Girlfriends, you know who you are. Yes, this is a "light" piece, but it also suggests a very real way some women over, say, 45, are getting their needs for companionship met.

[Pema]

i am not sure why you wrote it outside of looking for a lesbian diety to mirror with.

[mzrecycle]

I wonder if the gays who have been offended by this article even read it. . . . They are obviously 6's, always known they were gay (or somehow different). It seems that 6's are as unable to understand a shift in hormones bringing on an awakening gayness as some totally hetero's are of anyone choosing to be gay.
When you're young and gay, yes you may lose jobs because of it and head for bars in dingy parts of town. When you make the switch post menopausal, you've likely been in your job long enough to not lose it to discrimination. At this age, you're not as likely to hanging out in bars, gay or straight.
Some comments had a problem with the "trendy" term. The writer DOES live in L.A.! Problem is the word. Trend is "a direction of movement". While trendy has a fashionable connotation. Most could agree there has been a trend in our culture to be more open to the whole gay experience in the last few years.
My lesbian sisters who've commented have given a nasty, cranky impression. This article seems to be a light comment on a trend noticed.

[chaya]

That is such an interesting take on the comments here. It looks to me like the writer has offended scads of straight women and maybe one or two lesbians. Seeing what you want to see?

[mydwyf]

Well, living in LA maybe you do 'need a man like a fish needs a bicycle'.
Here in rural Alaska tho men can come in pretty handy ! And appreciated.

[julie lawrence99]

Thank you truthartbeauty.

This chick I used to be friends with had the nerve to intimate that ALL women have lesbian tendencies.

Nonsense..­. Women do have nurturing tendencies, but that is not inclusive of sexual.

My nurturing tendencies are still there n I am a mature woman. I am not and have never felt sexual feelings toward a women. Admiration, affection sure; but not attraction.

You either are or you're not.

[redsongia]

Does this article is ridiculous for implying that when women lose their "tendency to nurture" they become lesbians, as if lesbians are somehow less nurturing than straight women? But then again, this article is plainly ridiculous in every way.

[pbarba1969]

Very enlightening. I find it very interesting how there is basically no problem with women dumping their husbands even though the marriage is or was good. The need being what? Sex? Topical discussions?

Aa a man I was always disgusted with the idea of men who left their marriages for younger women, wether the reason was sex or better conversation. My wife is someone who I want to grow old with and be with until the day I die. However this story tends to be the female version of what men used to do. Almost I want to see what's on the other side of the tracks.

I mean honestly before I met my wife my thoughts are most women are emotional train wrecks who like cats want to cuddle and caress when they feel like it, and out come the claws when they don't want you around. With raging hormones, most men find themselves in "damned if i do damned if I don't scenarios".

I don't have a problem with women who make the switch in life because I think everyone should be in satisfying realtionships in their lives and should be happy. But I really wonder if there was an article about mens midlife crisis that essentially said it was ok with men to leave their wives for younger women how that would be taken.

I think men and women tend to fall into the trap of creating elaborate excuses for leaving marriages based strictly on gender

[kape]

Along with the nature or nurture discussion, this is kind of an unapologetic wink and a nod about how stereotypically bad men are and one kind of opportunity to "get out." Shouldn't kid ourselves that breakups of long term relationships don't leave a lot of collateral damage in their wake no matter the reason, and that long term partners get weary of each other for lots of reasons. In the realm of hormonal justification, not sure that this article's hormonal justification should be elevated above (or below) other hormonal justifications. Ultimately, it comes down to the individuals and the situation.

[SayWhatYouWill]

Well said.

Except that for men there is a very large sexual component to it, while the author here isn't replying on the sexuality of it. This latter inference is evident by the way she needs to sell the sex aspects of the lesbianism.

[All4ME]

Your wife is a lucky woman, pbarba1969.

And really, it is the luck of the draw. The fact is, you just can't predict with any measure of reliability how the marriage will go with a person with whom you have just pledged your life. How will he/she be as a parent? What happens if one of us gets a chronic illness? What will happen if one or more of our parents needs constant care? Or, in the case of this article, what if he or she suddenly has a late-awakening same-sex attraction?

I wish you many more happy years, pbarba!

[proggirl]

This piece trivializes gay issues. I realize that it's intended to be a "light" piece, but all it does is buy into cliched male/female dichotomies.

[XCITIZEN]

I agree, proggirl, this piece seems to be saying - hey, heterosexuals, check it out, being gay is easy, and it's kinda fun, and if you get tired of it, just be heterosexual. Wooo Hoo, going gay is mainstream, just like Starbuck's Coffee!

[redsongia]

Just about every assumption in this article is foolish.

"Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? "

Ummm, male lovers are quite tolerant of these things. Perhaps you are not tolerant of your own body?

"A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands."

Just because you are less interested in caretaking your husband, does not mean you are automatically sexually attracted to other women.

"But try as I might, I can't find mid-life men in my acquaintance suddenly hooking up with other guys"

Doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

"...and according to an Oprah show I saw a couple of years ago"

that one speaks for itself.

[mergina]

Women of the world, you don't know what you are missing.

[Diogenis]

Lez be friends...­..........­..........­.

[PatA]

So.......a­fter menopause, I can take a woman lover? But not before?

This article is not very respectful of lesbians.

[betweenextremes]

Whatever makes people happy, that's fine with me. But the thought of living under the same roof with another PMS-ing or menopausal woman (other than my kids), terrifies me! One (meaning me) is definitely enough:)

[krisgarfield]

I Know!!! Can you imagine?..­........br­rrrrrrrrrr­rrrrrr.

[mydwyf]

No. Not even.

[SJBrown]

Funny and oh so true.

[truthartbeauty]

being gay is not a trend. it might be trendy but it is nothing you do by choice. you either are gay or you are not and it is that simple.

[Neophile]

No, it is not that simple. Sexual identity is not a black and white issue. It isn't even a shades of grey issue. People change over time.

[curiousasheck]

Okay so am I going to have to be politically correct in offering my opinion on the "private parts" dilemma or should I lecture on something like mental conditioning and sales?