Switching Sides Later In Life
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" was a clever little slogan of the Women's Movement during the Seventies. Little did I realize then how prescient it would prove to many of my peers as they hit middle age. In the past five years, I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-with-children Girlfriends have bolted from their traditional family geometry and found true love with other women. It's happening in the Parent's Associations of my kids' schools, in my knitting group, in my yoga class and it's a big topic in women's 12-Step groups throughout Los Angeles (and lesbianism was not the addiction they were trying to overcome.) Once I became aware of this quiet Pink Revolution, I couldn't not see it everywhere I looked. But it was comedian Carol Leifer's new book, When You Lie About Your Age The Terrorists Win, that convinced me this stunning phenomenon wasn't exclusive to the experimental, artsy, truth-seeking addicts that make LA such a piquant town--newly minted mid-life lesbianism is a national trend.
My gay brother and other "natural born" homosexuals in my crowd insist that they were gay from day one and that it was a reality, not a decision. I confess that I, personally, had always felt that people who claimed they were "bi" were just smudging the fact that they were gay. But apparently there is this thing called a Kinsey Scale of Sexuality that Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues created in the 1930's and 40's. It ranked people on a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being entirely hetero and 6 being oh-so-homo, and in their studies, most people were somewhere in between. This was in Indiana, a state I would put near the top of my Straight List, but then, my science is only anecdotal and often accidental.
I guess this supports the number of seemingly straight guys, and according to an Oprah show I saw a couple of years ago, African American guys, who live on the DL with their homosexual trysts. But try as I might, I can't find mid-life men in my acquaintance suddenly hooking up with other guys, white, black or brown, and that makes it all the more curious to me. Since the penis seems a good place to start any investigation I will begin there. Because male sex often requires an erection, or -- in other words -- male arousal is visible and therefore not fake-able, it could be said that more women who were born lesbians (versus men who were born homosexual) are in hetero relationships because, really, who could tell the difference, right? That said, women can only fake it up to a point; if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy, eyebrows would eventually be raised in any sensible fellow. And then again, a faked orgasm probably fooled even Dr. Kinsey from time to time.
My Girlfriends who have crossed over after years spent in a satisfying marriage
(satisfaction being entirely subjective) said it had a lot to do with hormones. Well, that word is mine because I think everything is hormonal, but they described the time when they had finished with their biological imperative to move their DNA into the future. That makes sense to me; in their most fertile years they were driven by the same frothy hormonal milkshake that makes teenagers yearn to couple up and steam up the inside of their cars at night and keeps women keenly aware of their biological clocks. For women who are somewhere closer to a 4 or 5 on Kinsey's scale, perhaps once the urge to merge with men dissipates somewhat with the onset of menopause, they ride the "bicycle" less enthusiastically. In fact, I read somewhere that more women than men initiate divorces in middle age and the cliché of men dumping the old model for a hot young one is exaggerated by Hollywood and paparazzi because it is so damn photogenic.
A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands. It's a feeling I admit to experiencing more and more myself, something I like to call the, "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. For more women than I ever knew, this is the profound moment when they decide that a relationship with a person as equipped as they are to discuss complex emotional issues, feed the cat and check the fridge to see what can be turned into a meal all at the same time is like entering the Age of Enlightenment. Not to mention how much better than men's women's sex toys are.
And the sex is great! As Carol Leifer put it (much more succinctly than I) another woman already knows where all the happy spots are and what makes them downright euphoric. She said that it's like knowing your own house--even with the lights off, you still know where all the furniture is. I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after. Think about it, we Girlfriends are usually so intimate with each other in a non-sexual way; we hug and kiss and can even share a bed without thinking about sex. We already behave like lesbians, in fact, most men fantasize that we are, so if we do or don't actually become lesbians isn't necessarily apparent to the outside world. One of my cross-over Girlfriends has gone back and forth between being an occasional lesbian and a hetero wife a couple of times and says it is like being bilingual--she can speak in either tongue. I don't know if the pun was intentional.
Here's what I'm dying to know about mid-life lesbianism--if we choose to become one, can we give up a lifetime of worrying about our weight? Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? If that is true, then the line forms behind me, Ladies!
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Hilarious. I actually see her point. But seriously if ur in ur 20s or 30s and cant help but mother ur hubby, you will not end up having the relationship u'll need or want in ur 50's. Stop babying adults, start being the person with 3 dimensions and expect it from ur partners .
excellent response, i agree wholeheartedly. people need to be complete human beings on their own, not depend on others to "complete" them.
I will live alone or with my dog if my husband dies. Living with another women has zero draw for me. I so enjoy male company it truly is a case of Yin and yang. I will find some old duffer who wants me if I find myself single again.
Doesn't apply to me. I had relationships with women after a string of failed relationships with men in my late 20's. I enjoyed the emotional connection but ultimately decided, ten years later, that I truly preferred sex with men.
yes, emotional attraction is not always congruent with sexual attraction. i think many people are more emotionally attracted to one gender and more sexually attracted to the other.
This article doesn't purport to be science, people -- just some observations.
If women complain they have nobody to talk to after sex, don't blame men, BLAME YOURSELVES, FOR SETTLING FOR THE WRONG MEN.
So true!!
Exactly, I have found that women make wrong choices for much the same reason as men, because they choose to blind themselves to the truth about someones faults in order to have the thing or things which they believe will improve their own life or standing. While a man typically wants to marry a "beauty" not necessarily for the reason Sociologists claim, to breed better looking and healthier children, but because it improves their social standing among men to have a nice piece of "furniture"on their arm. Women on the other hand are taught that marrying "well" financially will not only improve their lifestyles but also improve their social standing. Both reasons are glaringly shallow. These reasons and these alone are what begs future discord and probably divorce. it is not surprising then that Women eventually are struck by the Syndrome.
this strikes me as a very generational thing, in a generation for whom being queer was still much more of a taboo than it is now. i think women who are now in their twenties and early thirties are (in kinsey terms) much more likely to just be whatever they are right from the start, rather than "deciding" on it later in life.
good observation. yep i know one woman who divorced her husband for a woman. she had always been gay just could not face it before. younger lesbians know they dont need to go through that and i think are generally more comfortable just being out from a young age
This sounds like a female form of having a mid-life crisis. Instead of a Ferrari, you get a girlfriend. It's just as du.mb.
That, and it sounds like an "everybody's doing it" mentality. It's "hip".
Unreal.
Your ability to read other peoples' minds and hearts is amazing.
Yeah, you're so right. My mother is with another woman cause "everyone else is doing it"! That's why they've been together for 7 years, own a home together, are on each other's life insurance policies and plan on living together for the rest of their lives.....
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I love how more than one commentator has made an analogy about buying a certain model of car and then noticing them everywhere. What about giving up on car ownership altogether and getting by with public transit and biking?
are you talking about prostitutes and swinging? Your analogy is funny :)
If you think that a woman is more tolerant of another woman's cellulite, than a man, think again. Women are always concerned about, how they look, and how other women, perceive them. Regardless of their achievements, accomplishments, or beauty, women are very insecure. At my age, I don't care what a woman looks like, I'm just grateful, to see one, naked. That is as long, as she doesn't look, too bad.
Women judge each other so harshly because they view each other as competition, mostly for men. Take men out of the equation and that's where you get the "manly" lesbians. Why mess around with long hair and all the hassle when the person you want to impress is less visual and more emotional? Why fuss and worry over every stray stubble on a leg when the person you want to impress understands how futile it is? Why bother with push-up bras and counting calories when the best you can hope for is to make your partner feel fat by comparison? Just like how a bunch of guys together will burp louder and wear their shirts untucked, women too will go for comfort if impressing a fickle sex is no longer a factor.
You are absolutely right! Women only care about their looks because of men. If I was with a woman I certainly wouldn't bother with half the beauty routines I do!
sooo wrong.
there are so many things wrong with your statement. it is offensive to lesbians who do care about the way they look, want to look good, and are in good shape. you dont get "manly" lesbians by taking men out of the picture. i believe butchiness has more to do with self identity and gender identity than anything to do with comfort or men
Entertaining piece but astoundingly full of generalizations and stereotypes. To make many these kinds of claims you need data to be taken seriously and I didn't see any in here at all. I know of women coming out after hetero relationships too but let's be honest, that's a "trend" as old as the sky.
Again, this is fun to read but I don't think for a second that this is anything remotely nearing "new news." Regardless, if it makes you happy, good for you!
This person made a staggering amount of generalizations about straight, "real" gay, and bi people. And using her logic, who really needs anyone? We could actually live where no relationships are needed at all. Right now in Hollywood (LA) straight girl-girl is quite trendy like nowhere else in the world. I think that should be pointed out before anyone takes this woman's perspective as enlightening to an overall trend. It's become cool to have lesbian relationships or girl crushes. If I were a real lesbian I'd be getting sick and tired of these women claiming they too are lesbians. L.A. has always been the capital of flakey or "let's talk about our problems..
I'll agree with that.
I really doubt this comes down to any kind of meaningful trend. I think moreso it's the phenomenon of noticing something once you yourself engage in it. For example, I got a Ford Fusion a few weeks ago. Now I see them everywhere. Are there suddenly more Ford fusions on the road? No. I just notice them now.
This is a nice opinion peice, but without any statistics it's about as meaningful as me writing an article about how I've seen so many more Ford Fusions, and eventually they're going to compose 100% of the cars on the road.
Go t'er, girls! Go at it! We men aren't missing you. We discovered Asia and it's beautiful and single and desiring babes...
I truly believe it is not the pressure of men that keeps up working hard at watching "our figure". It is us. It is yourself, vanity and the inter competition that goes on silently with other women or in your head. Also I would like to add you are a product of your environment to some extent whether you like it or not. I love this topic you are writing on Vicki and I think its needs to be discussed openly more and more. We are wired differently than men and we have always known that, playing both teams and enjoying both teams is an easier transition for women than men. Deciding to transition into a female-female relationship would bring an ease perhaps on your daily appearance up keep pressures however there is no such thing as such solace in a loving relationship that equates to letting yourself go- that's just my opinion.
-D
i believe sexuality is a fluid thing. unfortunately most people don't realize (or can't deal with) that because we've been taught for generations that people are either gay or straight and there's no changing teams.
Your formerly married -with-children girlfriends? So women need men only to have children, some of which are little girls, who grow up to become formerely married-wi
Couldn't it be because it is not "about the sex" at a certain age? Could a married woman be looking for more companionship and love in a female relationship not available to her from her husband?
Would that be true lesbian behavior?
I'm just asking, because it may be that these women are more in love with a particular person, regardless of sex, rather than because they are attracted to women only.
That's kind of what I was thinking, too. I do know that as I approach 50 yo myself, my women friends seem to be becoming a great deal more important to me than when I was younger and that I find myself preferring female companionship sometimes. So maybe what you are saying applies to a number of these women, but probably not all. I think some of them are just getting comfortable with themselves enough to at last be themselves, including being lesbian.
Lesbian writer Janice Rule writes about this. After a certain age some women enter into lesbian relationships for the companionship.
Read her novel After the Fire.
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