Switching Sides Later In Life
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" was a clever little slogan of the Women's Movement during the Seventies. Little did I realize then how prescient it would prove to many of my peers as they hit middle age. In the past five years, I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-with-children Girlfriends have bolted from their traditional family geometry and found true love with other women. It's happening in the Parent's Associations of my kids' schools, in my knitting group, in my yoga class and it's a big topic in women's 12-Step groups throughout Los Angeles (and lesbianism was not the addiction they were trying to overcome.) Once I became aware of this quiet Pink Revolution, I couldn't not see it everywhere I looked. But it was comedian Carol Leifer's new book, When You Lie About Your Age The Terrorists Win, that convinced me this stunning phenomenon wasn't exclusive to the experimental, artsy, truth-seeking addicts that make LA such a piquant town--newly minted mid-life lesbianism is a national trend.
My gay brother and other "natural born" homosexuals in my crowd insist that they were gay from day one and that it was a reality, not a decision. I confess that I, personally, had always felt that people who claimed they were "bi" were just smudging the fact that they were gay. But apparently there is this thing called a Kinsey Scale of Sexuality that Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues created in the 1930's and 40's. It ranked people on a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being entirely hetero and 6 being oh-so-homo, and in their studies, most people were somewhere in between. This was in Indiana, a state I would put near the top of my Straight List, but then, my science is only anecdotal and often accidental.
I guess this supports the number of seemingly straight guys, and according to an Oprah show I saw a couple of years ago, African American guys, who live on the DL with their homosexual trysts. But try as I might, I can't find mid-life men in my acquaintance suddenly hooking up with other guys, white, black or brown, and that makes it all the more curious to me. Since the penis seems a good place to start any investigation I will begin there. Because male sex often requires an erection, or -- in other words -- male arousal is visible and therefore not fake-able, it could be said that more women who were born lesbians (versus men who were born homosexual) are in hetero relationships because, really, who could tell the difference, right? That said, women can only fake it up to a point; if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy, eyebrows would eventually be raised in any sensible fellow. And then again, a faked orgasm probably fooled even Dr. Kinsey from time to time.
My Girlfriends who have crossed over after years spent in a satisfying marriage
(satisfaction being entirely subjective) said it had a lot to do with hormones. Well, that word is mine because I think everything is hormonal, but they described the time when they had finished with their biological imperative to move their DNA into the future. That makes sense to me; in their most fertile years they were driven by the same frothy hormonal milkshake that makes teenagers yearn to couple up and steam up the inside of their cars at night and keeps women keenly aware of their biological clocks. For women who are somewhere closer to a 4 or 5 on Kinsey's scale, perhaps once the urge to merge with men dissipates somewhat with the onset of menopause, they ride the "bicycle" less enthusiastically. In fact, I read somewhere that more women than men initiate divorces in middle age and the cliché of men dumping the old model for a hot young one is exaggerated by Hollywood and paparazzi because it is so damn photogenic.
A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands. It's a feeling I admit to experiencing more and more myself, something I like to call the, "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. For more women than I ever knew, this is the profound moment when they decide that a relationship with a person as equipped as they are to discuss complex emotional issues, feed the cat and check the fridge to see what can be turned into a meal all at the same time is like entering the Age of Enlightenment. Not to mention how much better than men's women's sex toys are.
And the sex is great! As Carol Leifer put it (much more succinctly than I) another woman already knows where all the happy spots are and what makes them downright euphoric. She said that it's like knowing your own house--even with the lights off, you still know where all the furniture is. I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after. Think about it, we Girlfriends are usually so intimate with each other in a non-sexual way; we hug and kiss and can even share a bed without thinking about sex. We already behave like lesbians, in fact, most men fantasize that we are, so if we do or don't actually become lesbians isn't necessarily apparent to the outside world. One of my cross-over Girlfriends has gone back and forth between being an occasional lesbian and a hetero wife a couple of times and says it is like being bilingual--she can speak in either tongue. I don't know if the pun was intentional.
Here's what I'm dying to know about mid-life lesbianism--if we choose to become one, can we give up a lifetime of worrying about our weight? Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? If that is true, then the line forms behind me, Ladies!
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They were always gay, just unacknowledged. Almost all the lesbians I know of a certain age
over 40, were married and had children. I dont think they just "turn into" something that they were not.
That may be true, what you just said. Or it could be that human sexuality is fluid. Perhaps with the absence of bigotry, taboos, and rigid beliefs on sexuality, maybe even men who've known and felt they were straight most of their lives would have those cross-over moments. Traditional culture based on a skewed understanding of reality is what limits humanity to become a freer, more open, and more rational species.
I think it might be a realization thing, not an acknowledgment thing. When a woman hits middle age and realizes that she's not (for most of us) a mainstream sex symbol anymore, that the Goldie Hawns and Susan Sarandons are a rarity, she can find a certain freedom. Freedom to be herself no matter what others say, freedom to give up caring what others say. And that can lead to realizing that you're gay, if you've been subconciously denying it before. Also, as time goes on it gets to be more acceptable to be gay, and women who would have been disowned by their families 30 years ago if they came out can now do it and barely raise an eyebrow. It's easier to admit something about yourself if your chances for employment, acceptance, and your reputation aren't threatened by it.
My question is why so many people wait for their looks to go before deciding on acting on their feelings. I find that a real shame.
Great article! The last paragraph was the best and from all the lesbians I know and for a straight girl I know quite a few, I think it's ok with them to be fat.
I always tell my sister/ best friend "when I finally get this monkey off my back (my husband) her and I will live happily ever after". Just two fat women having fun and enjoying life.
Maybe an occasional fling but nothing serious. With a fat guy who likes his gals to be fat and fun.
Its no surprise that there are gay activists who recognize that homosexuality is a choice which has various factors involved, including hormones, subconscious, sexual history and experiences (including adolescent). Gay people are not a unique subspecies- they are people. And people have a degree of freewill to determine matters in their lives. "Changing sexual orientation" is one of those factors that people can choose.
this is a topic ripe with variables.
RECENCY AND CURRENCY
> In the past five years, I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-wi
When we become interested in something, we suddenly start seeing it everywhere. Buy a new Prius and suddenly we notice them _everywhere_ (ge. ezer version).
Relevant? Only you can answer that one.
It seems to me that you are missing something when you say that women know each other's body parts better than men do in the way of how to get aroused. I am curious as to how you can, in good conscience make such a blanket statement. I know my wife's parts and what gets her aroused and what brings what type of orgasm. I know, because we communicate. That is not to say that I am always able to make her explode. But, at the times when she is not feeling it, she tells me that it is not going to happen and that I can take my turn at my big moment. She does not need to fake it, not because I am a sex god, (which I just so happen to be) but because I would prefer her just telling me what I am doing wrong, if it can be fixed, or if, at that moment, it is just her head getting in the way. Men and women can communicate. Even in the bedroom. On that note, I am a guy - a straight guy at that. I have experimented with my own team, but found the idea of it more appealing than the actual experience. Bottom line is I love vagina (and specifically that belonging to my wife). And, I love lesbians, and am totally cool with more middle-aged women finding that their own team works better for them!
Since I had nothing to add to the article myself, I would just like to say I liked and agree with the sentiments you expressed. Perhaps women do naturally know each others' wiring better, but on the other side of the coin, women who have learned to please a guy are true artists. Granted, the mechanics make it much easier to achieve perfunctory 'results', but there's a lot to be said for crafts(wo)manship. Either way, communicate. Bottom line: no games, no need to feign. If I'm not doing everything I can, I feel selfish and worse than if you just told me. I also second the guy-guy thing. Still have to place myself around a 4-5, but just mentally.
What a great article, Vicki.
The more women realizing what makes them happy, the better.
http://www
I've been confused for a lesbian, I am not however. It's kind of drag for some women to assume this of me. I could never turn gay. Not at all sexually attracted to women. But the author leaves out the X factor in Kinsey's findings-- the asexual, which have a much higher ratio of women to men. Perhaps these are the women who are turning into lesbians.
i wonder if men are more hard-wired to gender-spe
and let's face it: if it weren't for intimacy, most long term relationships would be same-sex. why else would a guy spend his life with someone who prefers to shop, gossip, and talk about feelings? why else would a woman want to spend her life with a someone who's messy, selfish, and doesn't like to gossip? maybe that's why these women in the article who can broaden their gender-attraction do. maybe women in the 1950's could do this also, but it was less accepted in society.
Again ridiculous. There is a HUGE gay p*rn market. That's not even taking into consideration that Gays/Lesbians are watching "straight" p*rn....
What is with all these f___ing absolutes that people are so sure exist? So many people on this thread, and maybe overall are ready to cut everyone into tiny, manageable groups! Guess what? Not every guy is a slob. Not every gal is a princess. Some guys f--k other guys, Some gals f--k other gals, some guys get with women, some women get with men and some people f--k anything that moves! NONE OF THAT MATTERS. What matters is how you treat the person your with, and Lovine treats that issue as if it doens't even factor in to the equation.
hmmm... i'm looking for the sentence where i said there wasn't a gay porn market. can't find it. are you responding to the wrong post or can you just not comprehend material you've read?
Actually, a significant portion of gay porn is portrayed by straight men. I wouldn't say a majority, but certainly a large minority..
Is the pay good? Was it worth?
I couldn't do it for a million dollars.
i find that surprising. how do you know this?
with women starlets, you see them do the nasty with each other, but then their kissing is timid - as if that part of intimacy is too meaningful.
8 MINUTES
> if it weren't for intimacy, most long term relationships would be same-sex.
Horsefeathers.
> why else would a guy spend his life with someone who prefers to shop, gossip, and talk about feelings?
You didn't see the report that explained that married couples spend a whopping 8 minutes quality time together per day. No wonder they stay married. They (appear to) lead wholly independent lives. That and that strange little thing called love.
The only thing worse than writing ... is not writing. Ditto, men with women, versus without.
this time, i'm not understanding your post. you're saying (because of a study you saw) that people stay married in order to lead wholly independent lives?
regarding the love factor: love without intimacy is what i feel toward my best male friends, and those are my longest standing friendships. love with intimacy is what i feel towards my wife. although our intimacy has naturally waned, we're still way above the 8 minute average of quality time you read about. if we ever drop below that, and the intimacy goes away, our differences could do us in.
and sorry about the previous generalizations, kiddo. i'm making a brief point on a blog, not writing a book. i've seen many exceptions (myself included). when i was younger, i probably would've gotten upset by the same comments. but i got over it.
"i find it hard to imagine a straight man doing gay porn for money."
That's funny.
But very true.
Excellent comment, zeno8. I also find that much of the porn produced for lesbians is actually purchased by straight men, just as Playgirl was mainly purchased by gay men. With men of all persuasions the visual and the anonymous provides the biggest turn-on.
right- men are visual and women are spiritual. porn is for men.
let me re-state for folks who like to parse words: men tend to be more visual than women, though there are exceptions. women generally look for a more spiritual connection, though there are exceptions. (yawn)
The blog mashes leaving a partner and "switching" sexual preference. As a light-hearted observation it is fine.
However, let's assume 1) that a man could "deliver", with enough love, empathy, skill, motivation, to a woman, a comparable sexual experience to that delivered by a woman and 2) that there are lots of things that change importance over time, including, appearance, money, power, sexual frequency, sexual quality, intimacy. Why should "switching sides" be elevated to a more noble or more fun reason for leaving than any of the others, as the blog connotates?
Men and women leave because their partner doesn't talk after sex, doesn't perform fellatio, doesn't appreciate their appearance, wasn't as successful at being a provider, etc. Some reasons are not well-regarded by society and some are viewed as kind of "neat". If someone in the 3/4/5 range leaves a long time relationship for someone that doesn't all asleep after sex and switches sides, might not the freshness, coolness, excitement of switching sides also play a factor, as it does in many new relationships?
Switching sides is not a worse reason (or type of) for leaving, but it is not better. Along with the freshness, excitement, fulfillment and fun of a new relationship, there is usually a trail of disappointment and heartbreak when a long term relationship ends. A lot of weighing and soul-searching is required in all cases and special approbation for switching sides is not merited.
when a woman has a tight, ear-ringing orgasm, she--like spent men--will be stoned for five minutes (max) then conk out and snore like a teamster.
the desire to talk after sex is a biproduct of a lousy performance. not quality/in
Now, that is a theory that actually makes sense.
OH MY GOD!!! As a woman..tha
Guys...lis
Thank you Phillip.
Not everyone is the same and there are people -- of both genders and various orientations -- who want to inerteract, after the 'dust settles", so to speak.
while i appreciate this post i also have fundamental issues with the idea that there are "sides" to sexuality. The inherent hetero/homo dichotomy is unfair to the vast majority of people who have attraction to both sexes, even if not on a major scale, but are pushed to ignore them in favor of a single sex preference.
the gay community is just as, if not more, guilty than the straight community in this regard. we inherently distrust people who openly identify as bisexual and force them to hide who they are so we feel more comfortable.
how hypocritical is that?
I expect that people are going to come after me for my opinions but i feel strongly that there HAS to be a safe middle ground where people are allowed to exist without labels of hetero/homo/bi or even man/woman just to make others feel more comfortable. as long as these categories persist the biases and discrimination surrounding them will continue to exist as well.
I understand that many people feel we are better with these categories and expectations but I genuinely feel that we would be better off simply viewing each other as "human beings" rather than man, woman, straight, gay, bi, christian, muslim, jewish, black, or white.
Well said. America has a deep, and unrepentant history of b/gotry. Every group, white/blac
You mean "Earth", not America. America, if anything, has has less of it than the rest of the world (and I don't just mean Armenians and Turks, or Hutus and Tutsis: you haven't heard down-to-the-bone hatred until you hear a typical Finn talk about Russians.)
neuroscience research is finally debunking the cultural myth of racism, discovering hodological mechanisms responsible for fear responses to physiological differences (based upon alleatory genetic variation--not the significant stuff that defines us); anyway, it is culturation that dampens our prehistoric xenophobia, it does not generate it... i.e. all parents should assume their children are born racist, and program them to behave counter-in
Definitions are pretty important. I'm not saying that the three different groups (homosexuals, heterosexuals and bisexuals) should be stigmatized, but their existence is pretty important.
That being said, bisexuals are a very stigmatized group. Usually they are forced to "pick a side", and, if they find a monogamous relationships, they will pick a side, for a time at least. Sexual orientation isn't about who you physically sleep with, it's who you're attracted to. I can have sex with a woman that I'm not attracted to while being incredibly attracted to a man, and still be gay. Or vice versa.
As a gay man, I can say that I've been guilty of stigmatizing bisexuals. It's not pretty, but I think there's a baseline of jealousy there. If you're bisexual, you can be in a meaningful relationship with a person of the opposite sex (theoretically), and thus dodge a bunch of discrimination. Gay folks don't have that option. There's always a fear when dating a bisexual person, and these are my issues by the by, that they would leave for someone of the opposite sex, thus further marginalizing the gay partner. The same could be said of a bisexual person dating a straight person. I imagine it's an equally heavy blow from the opposite end of the spectrum.
Bisexuals get treated poorly by both gay and straight alike, and articles like this, that firmly place people on one side or the other of the sexual orientation divide, only stir up trouble.
Thanks, Kate. I couldn't agree with you more. When I came out in the 80's, I was vilified for admitting my attraction to certain men. Further, both the straight and gay communities think you're a slut if you identify as bisexual. It's all a pain in the butt, and a big reason why I've been alone for many years. I hope the generation now coming of age won't have to adhere to a rigid gay/straight dichotomy.
when a man unloads an orgasm he needs to breath or sit down or pass out. with women the clit becomes sensitive. i still hold that women never experience orgasm, starting with the fact that it's men who seek women or young women. ending with the fact that- as i was instructed in college...
I recall reading in some magazine years ago that gay couples have the most sex followed by heterosexual couples. Lesbian couples come in dead last.
Lesbians ARE gay. Lesbian couples are thus gay couples. And your first mistake was getting your information from...."I recall readining in some magazine." Maybe instead of reading one article in one magazine "years ago" you should talk to some same-sex couples. Lesbians, by the way, probably come in "dead FIRST" in quality, long lasting relationships, while gay male relationships often last 5 minutes, and straight relationsh
Your poor wife.
Can we have an English translation here?
I have no idea what the above is supposed to mean.
lol, women never experience orgasm? Maybe the women you've been with - maybe you can't satisify them!
Personally, I've had two orgasms in the past 24 hours!
That's all?
Ask my ex wife. She left me for another woman. Is it odd that I get along with her S.O. better than I get along with my ex? (My ex and I have to get along for the kids.)
Heck, I ain't even bothered reading the article. I just saw the two ladies in the picture and thought "LESBIANS"
I love lesbians.
Dugg.
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