Switching Sides Later In Life

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" was a clever little slogan of the Women's Movement during the Seventies. Little did I realize then how prescient it would prove to many of my peers as they hit middle age. In the past five years, I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-with-children Girlfriends have bolted from their traditional family geometry and found true love with other women. It's happening in the Parent's Associations of my kids' schools, in my knitting group, in my yoga class and it's a big topic in women's 12-Step groups throughout Los Angeles (and lesbianism was not the addiction they were trying to overcome.) Once I became aware of this quiet Pink Revolution, I couldn't not see it everywhere I looked. But it was comedian Carol Leifer's new book, When You Lie About Your Age The Terrorists Win, that convinced me this stunning phenomenon wasn't exclusive to the experimental, artsy, truth-seeking addicts that make LA such a piquant town--newly minted mid-life lesbianism is a national trend.

My gay brother and other "natural born" homosexuals in my crowd insist that they were gay from day one and that it was a reality, not a decision. I confess that I, personally, had always felt that people who claimed they were "bi" were just smudging the fact that they were gay. But apparently there is this thing called a Kinsey Scale of Sexuality that Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues created in the 1930's and 40's. It ranked people on a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being entirely hetero and 6 being oh-so-homo, and in their studies, most people were somewhere in between. This was in Indiana, a state I would put near the top of my Straight List, but then, my science is only anecdotal and often accidental.

I guess this supports the number of seemingly straight guys, and according to an Oprah show I saw a couple of years ago, African American guys, who live on the DL with their homosexual trysts. But try as I might, I can't find mid-life men in my acquaintance suddenly hooking up with other guys, white, black or brown, and that makes it all the more curious to me. Since the penis seems a good place to start any investigation I will begin there. Because male sex often requires an erection, or -- in other words -- male arousal is visible and therefore not fake-able, it could be said that more women who were born lesbians (versus men who were born homosexual) are in hetero relationships because, really, who could tell the difference, right? That said, women can only fake it up to a point; if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy, eyebrows would eventually be raised in any sensible fellow. And then again, a faked orgasm probably fooled even Dr. Kinsey from time to time.

My Girlfriends who have crossed over after years spent in a satisfying marriage
(satisfaction being entirely subjective) said it had a lot to do with hormones. Well, that word is mine because I think everything is hormonal, but they described the time when they had finished with their biological imperative to move their DNA into the future. That makes sense to me; in their most fertile years they were driven by the same frothy hormonal milkshake that makes teenagers yearn to couple up and steam up the inside of their cars at night and keeps women keenly aware of their biological clocks. For women who are somewhere closer to a 4 or 5 on Kinsey's scale, perhaps once the urge to merge with men dissipates somewhat with the onset of menopause, they ride the "bicycle" less enthusiastically. In fact, I read somewhere that more women than men initiate divorces in middle age and the cliché of men dumping the old model for a hot young one is exaggerated by Hollywood and paparazzi because it is so damn photogenic.

A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands. It's a feeling I admit to experiencing more and more myself, something I like to call the, "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. For more women than I ever knew, this is the profound moment when they decide that a relationship with a person as equipped as they are to discuss complex emotional issues, feed the cat and check the fridge to see what can be turned into a meal all at the same time is like entering the Age of Enlightenment. Not to mention how much better than men's women's sex toys are.

And the sex is great! As Carol Leifer put it (much more succinctly than I) another woman already knows where all the happy spots are and what makes them downright euphoric. She said that it's like knowing your own house--even with the lights off, you still know where all the furniture is. I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after. Think about it, we Girlfriends are usually so intimate with each other in a non-sexual way; we hug and kiss and can even share a bed without thinking about sex. We already behave like lesbians, in fact, most men fantasize that we are, so if we do or don't actually become lesbians isn't necessarily apparent to the outside world. One of my cross-over Girlfriends has gone back and forth between being an occasional lesbian and a hetero wife a couple of times and says it is like being bilingual--she can speak in either tongue. I don't know if the pun was intentional.

Here's what I'm dying to know about mid-life lesbianism--if we choose to become one, can we give up a lifetime of worrying about our weight? Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? If that is true, then the line forms behind me, Ladies!

Comments

[Greg Norris]

It seems that too many of you are focused on the physical aspect of why one would change sides and ignoring the spiritual side. Has it occured to anyone that the reason lesbians become lesbians is that they have lived in unloving relationships with men doing their best to care for a selfish person year after year only to finally get tired of it and find it easier to find a woman that is unselfish and will actually care for them? Sexuality is a complicated thing. Men and women are wired differently. Men are wired more to the physical side and must be taught the spiritual side of sexuality. Women seem to be far more in touch with the spiritual relational side of marriage, and are confused that men don't seem to understand this. I pray that God will convict men of our selfishness and help us change our ways to love the women in our lives the way he intended. I think if that occurs a lot of healing might occur in our land. It certainly has in my marriage once someone took the time to explain my selfishness in a way I could understand.

[VoteforPedro]

Reading your New Agey pap, I assumed that you were a woman and perhaps even one who had switched sides. Then I noticed your name.

I am always amazed when men parrot this New Age claptrap against themselves.

[roshni]

Sex and nurturing become equally important as one ages and becomes aware of one's mortality. Once a person's children are grown, she may be more interested in companionship and caring and finding this lacking in her mate.
Society puts pressure on people to date early and get married, have children, etc. Once these societal expectations have been met, or overcome, a woman may say - this is MY time.
Of course, there are lots of happy marriages where people want to stay together and re-discover each other once the kids are grown.

[agtfos]

If you reach over and feel between your shoulder blades there should be a spine. Try asking your wife where she put it.

I'm one of the straight spouses left by these emerging lesbians. I can assure you that I am not in the least selfish, that am in touch emotionally and have in fact been entirely too giving in the relationship. For instance, I have never in 7 years told her to 'get off the f***ing phone' as I heard her 'sensitive and spiritual' girlfriend say to her the other day.

Quit blamestorming us for THEIR sexuality.

P.S. You may discover to your cost that you cant reach the pedistal that you have put your wife on, and she might discover that it is lonely up there.

[DoomtoNeoCons]

HEAR HEAR!

[ShakeYourComplacency]

Wow you sound pretty bitter. A left spouse? That's too bad. But don't blame us for your bad relationship. And btw, have you ever looked up the word co-dependent?

[VoteforPedro]

If you haven't seen "Spun" rent it. Very funny movie with Debbie Harry playing a really tough lesbian dressed up like a biker. Her character is always spouting lines like "Men are evil." "They must be healed."

[Lindy222]

I think female sexuality is more diffuse -- that is, less likely to be firmly and irrevocably pinned to a particular stimulus -- and complex than male sexuality. The mother of a friend of my son's is gay, and I was surprised one time when, after several relationships with women, she said she was considering a relationship with a man. Not a particular man, just a man. One reason was that she was looking for companionship and thought that would increase the odds of finding it. This might sound calculating, but it's calculating only if she was willing to "trade" sexual satisfaction for companionship. But I didn't get the sense she was trading anything. I think she could find sexual satisfaction with either sex.

[NewYorkStateofMind]

this is about a lesbian discovering that she is a lesbian, not a straight woman deciding that she does not need a man anymore

[VoteforPedro]

You nailed it!

Well done.

[DoomtoNeoCons]

Well, it doesn't read that way. It reads: Men are really pathet/c, because they just don't get it. Only Women can know what true happiness is.

Men AAAAND Women are equally f---ing stup-/d. One doesn't have some secret knowledge about life that the other doesn't.

[canadagirl76]

At least we are equal somewhere...

[KMan1]

"Men AAAAND Women are equally f---ing stup-/d. One doesn't have some secret knowledge about life that the other doesn't."

Yep! you nailed it.

[DianeDfromPhoenix]

Not necessarily -- and this is exactly what the article addresses -- sexual fluidity. i have lesbian friends from the 80's who are now dating men.

[DoomtoNeoCons]

Sounds like more baby boomer slefishness to me.

[VoteforPedro]

No, it's more Uber-Political Correctness in action of the "We're All Secretly Gay" variety.

Science has said for decades now that our sexuality is hardwired. Indeed gay males have different brains than straight males.

I support gay marriage and rights but object to the "everyone is secretly gay" nonsense.

The women in the article were most likely gay or bi all along.

One does not magically change their sexual wiring over night.

[HGMercury]

One of the points in the article was that there are degrees of homosexual tendencies. It's not just a 0 or 1 wiring. This is what allows some people - the ones that do not have a strong heterosexual tendency - to switch.

[DoomtoNeoCons]

I just think that ALL people are, for the most part, self/sh l/ars. Especially when it comes to matters of love (er..bu//sh/t). People are f---ing stup/d, and get into these longterm relationships that they NEVER should have been in, in the first place. It ends up ruining the lives of their partners, their children, etc. all so they can be "happy"
F-ing a$$ho/es. This mid life crisis c-r-a-p that the author is spewing is just that. It's the same thing when a guy freaks out and decides he needs a new car, a new girl and a new life. All people are the same. They experience the same selfish traits and the same half baked logic. It's all about ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!

[tom928]

Baby-Boomer selfishness plus Politically Correct 'We're All Secretly Gay' combined.

[DoomtoNeoCons]

Agreed.

[tonygumbrell]

I like the concept. So, this lesbian thing is not something that you are born as, but rather someting you join, like the Republicans or the Democrats, as a matter of choice.

[VoteforPedro]

That's what the bible-thumpers and Republicans claim.

Personally, I do not believe that it's a choice at all despite what some on both the left and right try to claim.

The reality is that most of us are hardwired to be straight. Some to be gay and some to be bi.

[HGMercury]

Shoot, I am ashamed to admit I agree with something you said.

[silk olive]

I was sitting in a gym sauna recently and listened to a woman talk about how she'd always been interested in women but the thought of trying to meet one in a bar terrified her. I think that the lines of gay/straight/bi have been blurred for a lot of people for a very long time. But we're seeing more 'crossovers' because its becoming more acceptable in society and its become easier for women (and for the men who aren't comfortable with bar cruising) to meet women in other ways such as community groups and the internet..I'm not sure I'd link women switching over at middle age to hormones. That could be part of it but it also happens to be the time when women start coming into their own. They have better sex as they age (what is that statistic, men tend to peak at 18 and women at 35, something like that?) and they start saying, f-it, I want to live for myself rather than for everyone else because life is too short. Our cultural lag of black and white, restrictive sexuality is starting to catch up in that more and more people are starting to figure that what underlies attraction is your chemistry with another person rather than what they might have hiding in their pants. Thanks for posting this blog.

[VoteforPedro]

I have no idea where that myth about men peaking at 18 began.

I would say that it's more like in the 35 to 40 range.

[maddy48]

I'm not switching sides but after decades of seeing, hearing, watching the world spin into flames, driven by an assortment of identical looking men - expensive suits, haircuts, the dick-reminder ties around fat necks I really, really appreciate time w/ women. I loved Michelle's out fit for the White House Poetry Jam. She was gay (in the old fashioned sense) & lively & fresh, I always love seeing her in a sea of suits because she insists on being real & true. You've got to love that.. Women just seem to acquire knowledge & understanding through the years, the ones I know. I love the range of subject a group of women can cover. I'm just tired of men. And if I have to look @ one more titan of Wall Street or a fu**ing republican congressman (& a few democrats) I'll puke. I'm going to happy hour w/ the girls this evening & maybe we'll get a bonfire going afterwards. It feels so good maybe I have crossed over.

[VoteforPedro]

Wow! The misandry flows as thick as molasses today.

Have you ever stopped to think that those men on TV you complain about do no represent all men?
They don't represent me.

Moreover, it's an inescapable fact that men and women have different interests for the most part. For example, I cannot believe all the fashion, makeup, and relationship posts on Huffpo. You never see these for men.

So, how about acknowledging that men's interests are wrong and that they are simply different from yours. If I got together for a Happy Hour with men we would discuss business, economy, and movies. (We're not into sports.)

Please stop the male bashing.

[HGMercury]

I think all they need to do is to refer to your comments below to get a glimpse of who and how you are.

[All4ME]

And yet here you are spending most of your Saturday on this HuffPost thread!

I'm not criticizing, it's just funny!

(yes, I am pot calling kettle black).

[silk olive]

i don't read maddy48's post as bashing all men. i read it as her saying she is on overload certain types and wants some bonding time with her female friends. why do some guys get their feathers so ruffled when women request female-only time?

[All4ME]

Misandry?

Not me. How about ageism, and some people's comments about "old women"?

Recognize anyone?

[silk olive]

i can understand this, needing more of a balance and connection to women.. but i have to say, i hear a lot of straight women complain about men and how i must have it so much better as a lesbian. but the reality is, yes many things are different, but a lot of the issues that arise are pretty much the same issues you have in any relationship, straight or gay. and women can be really shallow about body image and needing their women to look and act certain ways, this behavior isn't reserved just for guys... i think hanging out with all men, or all women, or all straight people, or all gay people, is incredibly confining. i know several straight women who prefer men's company to women's and i just don't get that. i love my guy friends, but geezus that can get old. i find it amusing that a group of guys can get away to a cabin and its considered normal. a group of women heading out to a cabin- people ask, where are their men? they must be lesbians. i hope it is the new trend (as the above comment seems to say) that it is ok for straight women to get together and bond in real ways that they cannot always get from their significant others...

[kellygrrrl]

"if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy, eyebrows would eventually be raised in any sensible fellow"

now, this brings up a whole different angle. are men really dense? or do they just not care how or what she feels?
Denial is a Powerful Tool
I've seen men and women in marriages who were seemingly oblivious to their partners quite obvious "tendencies"

[VoteforPedro]

if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy,

--

Maybe he felt the same way about her?

Honestly, if you feel this way about someone then do both of you a favor by leaving.

[HGMercury]

Unless they both really, really, really enjoy retching.

[Jeffisok]

Many men, My partner and I included, realize in middle age that it is time to be true to yourself and come out and meet another man and fall in love and try to live happily ever after. I think one of the reasons for this is because being gay carries much less of a stigma today than it did when we were younger and in our teens. I certainly have been gay since the day I was born but that didn't stop me from trying to "hide it" throughout my life by marrying a woman twice and having a child so that I would appear "straight". It was the fear of having others know I was gay that stopped me from being who I was. That is what stops most gay people from being true and honest. If only things were different. How I wish I had been true to myself since day one and lived life as I was meant to, as a gay man. I could have spared myself 35 years of lies and broken relationships with women and the women in my life would have been able to find someone who was actually straight and who wanted to sincerely be with her rather than being married to a man who put on a loving face and charade everyday but would lie beside her at night dreaming of the day he would be in a relationship with another man and be truly happy and be himself.

[VoteforPedro]

Many men, My partner and I included,

--

That should have read: Many GAY men, My partner and I included, ....

[MiBFTo]

I think it probably should have read, "Many people."

Not exclusive to gay men or men. It's about individuals. And no one excluded.

[SFskies]

Many gay/lesbian people try their damndest to be straight. I knew I was gay at 5 years old, but did my best to act straight, even marrying for (too many) years. Mostly, societal and familial pressures were just too much for me to admit that I was a lesbian. I know quite a few (estimated at 60-100) people, both men and women, who tell similar stories. However, those of us who married and then came out in middle ago do not fall at either extreme of the Kinsey scale; neither do most of us fall smack dab in the middle or it. I speculate that I'd be a "5."

Like many people, I confused "behavior" with "identity." In my twisted and simplistic thoughts of years past, if I acted straight, then I was straight. As one might expect, living counter to my identity took a toll on my psyche. I am much happier now with that particular stressor gone!

I suspect that many of the author's friends fall into the same category. It's much easier to admit and live as (this is called "coming out") a gay person now than it was when we middle-aged folk first discovered sexuality.

[coolstar]

"my science is only anecdotal and often accidental." So was Kinsey's!
Until I see some serious science on this, it's safely ignorable, like all urban myths.

[rasputin999]

A lesbian is simply a man without an erection.

[HGMercury]

Maybe you never looked at the situation close enough.

[wadenelson1]

Norm and Cliffie sure have aged....di­ffere3ntly­.

[HGMercury]

I see that the cocksure alpha-males are trolling around to make sure they keep the hens within check.

[VoteforPedro]

If anyone is trolling here, it's you, Ms. Andrist.

[HGMercury]

I've already told you, I am not a woman. That's just for reference; if you insist, knock yourself out with your hostility.

[rickcritt]

Contrary to popular (and the authors) belief, many men switch sides in mid life. Because many people are bisexual, many men simply find it easier, in our culture, to express the hetero part of their sexuality.

[VoteforPedro]

This is a bald-faced lie.

Do you have anything to back this claim up?

Of course, you don't.

Shame on you.

[HGMercury]

Some definitely do. I personally know of a couple.

[HGMercury]

Many of these men lead a closeted or repressed life.

[VoteforPedro]

Thanks for your opinion, Ms. Andrist.

[VoteforPedro]

You really do have a problem with androphobia. You might want to get that looked into.

[VoteforPedro]

Speak for yourself, please.

An anecdote doesn't equal data.

[Aline Binette]

For years some women turned me on. But I was not conscious of that, and then I kept it to myself. I've come to acknowledge in attraction to women AND men. But not just any man is good for me. At the ripe age of 47, I finally found a person just right for me, a caring, tender person who really loves and respects me. He happens to be a man. He is the right life companion for me and I adore him. He knows I'm bi and we have this agreement about it.

When I was young, I just did not know myself or human relationships very well. I did what I thought was right. I made a lot of bad decisions based on my low self-esteem at the time.

I find I know nothing about the lesbian culture (but not all lesbians or bi women go to gay bars or wear a mullet, of course; it's also a bit of a caricature). I don't think I could actively look for a female partner at my age. But I keep an open mind. I just don't believe in "hunting".

I think a lot of people are really ignorant/d­umb/ill-in­formed about love, infatuation (they confuse the two), arousal, crushes etc. People confuse infatuation and neediness with love. No wonder there are so many divorces.

[Todd Thomas]

What the hell kind of article is this?

"I read somewhere..."??? Those 3 words should never be used in the history of journalism.

Further, the author's complaints about men seem to be more of the same old cliches.
"I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after"?
This sounds more like a personal problem to me, and only further perpetuates outdated stereotypes about men. If women in later life wanna switch teams, who cares. But the phenomenon that the author seems to be trying to portray sounds unsubstantiated.

[HGMercury]

LOL