Switching Sides Later In Life

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" was a clever little slogan of the Women's Movement during the Seventies. Little did I realize then how prescient it would prove to many of my peers as they hit middle age. In the past five years, I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-with-children Girlfriends have bolted from their traditional family geometry and found true love with other women. It's happening in the Parent's Associations of my kids' schools, in my knitting group, in my yoga class and it's a big topic in women's 12-Step groups throughout Los Angeles (and lesbianism was not the addiction they were trying to overcome.) Once I became aware of this quiet Pink Revolution, I couldn't not see it everywhere I looked. But it was comedian Carol Leifer's new book, When You Lie About Your Age The Terrorists Win, that convinced me this stunning phenomenon wasn't exclusive to the experimental, artsy, truth-seeking addicts that make LA such a piquant town--newly minted mid-life lesbianism is a national trend.

My gay brother and other "natural born" homosexuals in my crowd insist that they were gay from day one and that it was a reality, not a decision. I confess that I, personally, had always felt that people who claimed they were "bi" were just smudging the fact that they were gay. But apparently there is this thing called a Kinsey Scale of Sexuality that Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues created in the 1930's and 40's. It ranked people on a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being entirely hetero and 6 being oh-so-homo, and in their studies, most people were somewhere in between. This was in Indiana, a state I would put near the top of my Straight List, but then, my science is only anecdotal and often accidental.

I guess this supports the number of seemingly straight guys, and according to an Oprah show I saw a couple of years ago, African American guys, who live on the DL with their homosexual trysts. But try as I might, I can't find mid-life men in my acquaintance suddenly hooking up with other guys, white, black or brown, and that makes it all the more curious to me. Since the penis seems a good place to start any investigation I will begin there. Because male sex often requires an erection, or -- in other words -- male arousal is visible and therefore not fake-able, it could be said that more women who were born lesbians (versus men who were born homosexual) are in hetero relationships because, really, who could tell the difference, right? That said, women can only fake it up to a point; if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy, eyebrows would eventually be raised in any sensible fellow. And then again, a faked orgasm probably fooled even Dr. Kinsey from time to time.

My Girlfriends who have crossed over after years spent in a satisfying marriage
(satisfaction being entirely subjective) said it had a lot to do with hormones. Well, that word is mine because I think everything is hormonal, but they described the time when they had finished with their biological imperative to move their DNA into the future. That makes sense to me; in their most fertile years they were driven by the same frothy hormonal milkshake that makes teenagers yearn to couple up and steam up the inside of their cars at night and keeps women keenly aware of their biological clocks. For women who are somewhere closer to a 4 or 5 on Kinsey's scale, perhaps once the urge to merge with men dissipates somewhat with the onset of menopause, they ride the "bicycle" less enthusiastically. In fact, I read somewhere that more women than men initiate divorces in middle age and the cliché of men dumping the old model for a hot young one is exaggerated by Hollywood and paparazzi because it is so damn photogenic.

A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands. It's a feeling I admit to experiencing more and more myself, something I like to call the, "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. For more women than I ever knew, this is the profound moment when they decide that a relationship with a person as equipped as they are to discuss complex emotional issues, feed the cat and check the fridge to see what can be turned into a meal all at the same time is like entering the Age of Enlightenment. Not to mention how much better than men's women's sex toys are.

And the sex is great! As Carol Leifer put it (much more succinctly than I) another woman already knows where all the happy spots are and what makes them downright euphoric. She said that it's like knowing your own house--even with the lights off, you still know where all the furniture is. I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after. Think about it, we Girlfriends are usually so intimate with each other in a non-sexual way; we hug and kiss and can even share a bed without thinking about sex. We already behave like lesbians, in fact, most men fantasize that we are, so if we do or don't actually become lesbians isn't necessarily apparent to the outside world. One of my cross-over Girlfriends has gone back and forth between being an occasional lesbian and a hetero wife a couple of times and says it is like being bilingual--she can speak in either tongue. I don't know if the pun was intentional.

Here's what I'm dying to know about mid-life lesbianism--if we choose to become one, can we give up a lifetime of worrying about our weight? Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? If that is true, then the line forms behind me, Ladies!

Comments

[HGMercury]

I have noticed the trend pick up in the last 20 or so years. Several of my women friends tell me that men have become less and less able to become and stay a satisfying partner - sexually as well as emotionally. "He is just not there", or "he just grunts a couple of times and goes to sleep". A couple of ladies made the same comment that men are too ready to run to Viagra, thinking that it will be the cure-all.

[WilliePilgrim]

It's probably a biological condition that our sexual identities change throughout life. For the most part it's all very normal and predictable but one of the strenths of our species is not only its adaptability but the amount of vairiation it can express and yet remain cohesive despite the serious curve balls that nature and the human condition itself combine to hurl at us from time to time. Among the human conditions that conspire to trip us up I'd inlcude our proclivity to not only explain our condition based on weak understanding but our subsequent proclivity to declare any variation from it to be anathema and punishable.
But why wouldn't testosterone levels change throughout life, as we see that they do, in concert with our ideals of what is beautiful, erotic and compelling. Why wouldn't the hidden aspects of our sexual behaviors become more pronounced once we are no longer driven for mere procreation or attainment of status and acceptance?
There's a hole new world out there...pun, only slightly intended.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Willie,
What a thoughtful and well written comment. Thanks so much for sharing it. I hope to hear more from you.

Best,
Eli Davidson

[VoteforPedro]

You have got to be kidding. Right?

[FGDinVA]

I have enough to worry about with the prospect of menopause - weight gain, hot flashes, night sweats, vaginal dryness, mood swings, hair loss, fatigue, increased risk of heart disease and cancer. And that's just the short list. The specter of turning gay is way down on my worry list.

[Aline Binette]

You are approaching the issue all wrong. It is not about "worrying about turning gay"

[doug108]

I think that's her point; that she really doesn't give a sh*t.

[HGMercury]

If one has never experienced a mode of sexuality, no matter how one is accepting of it, it is still natural to feel "worry" or "anxiety" about experiencing it; at least because it is a totally new experience. I know I experienced that on occasion with new experiences, even when keeping "on my side" of the fence.

[larry278]

Hypotheticals: Some males as they age think that women with cellulite, streach marks, back fat, double chins & other vivable signs of age & the menopause are sexy, cuddling, foreplay & afterplay are the erotic event, oral sex is a mutual sharing, etc.
Age can change a mans attitudes & desires. No, some aged men don't become 'virtual' lesbians. One does change. Some males who try gay sex are bored with it for there is no challenge to it. You know what will turn another man on & what turns you on. It's wham, bam, thank you lad. Who needs it? Some males find female company assuring/exciting [try to describe a sexual feeling & be logical; some of us can't do it].
If you are a progressive, you become tolerant; good bye homophobia. A lesbian or a gay couple aren't a threat to heteros. You feel glad when people are happy. Good for the ladies who are lesbian & have a soul mate.
Aged heteros can find joy in an occasional intimate encounter but there are other thing to do & they don't get you soaked with sweat. Serial monagamy is a practice of some progressives. That does prepare you to get old. If a mate dies or moves on to another person, you know how to look & wait to find another mate. For the psychobable: its a coping technique. This ends my schizoid ramble; cheers.

[bethebest]

well the 'phenomenon' is simple: back in the day lesbians had to be closeted. Now the don't. Hence divorce. The End.

[tdom]

One more manifestation that women (primarily white women) of this generation top the list of "people that need to get over themselves". Fine, pair up and scold each other for the last third of life; I for one can use the relief!

[Phil22]

"scold each other for the last third of life". Awesome. I'd be able to watch a full hockey game again.

[hominidx]

I can't wait until you hook up with a guy (again) for a long happy life of football, beer and buggery.

[doug108]

I don't know how you're supposed to get over yourself. Your entire life is spent seeing the world through the prism of your self. I say just keep on living, learning, and loving whomever you the f*ck you want.

[HGMercury]

... as simple as that.

[Mixpixlix]

A lot of the article reminds me fo the old tri-sexua joke. So and So _______________is a tri-sexual, she./he'll tryin anything or anyone. Use go get a lot of laughs. Now that the closet door is open pretty far, there seems to a more than humor in that joke.

While I understand that people can be attracted to their own sex, it's also proven that that attraction may not always be sexual. A man can look at Tom Selleck and appreciate his attritbues in the same way a woman looks at Catherine Zeta-Jones and appreciate hers but not want to have sex with them. BUT that doesn't automatically mean sex is involved.

What we have, IMHO, is license. People doing things because the barriers, in many cases , are down. It's the old give it a try mentality, more than acknowledgement of long buried feelings. Yes, some men and woman have made choices dictated by society and lived to regret it.

But we also now have histories of transgendered individual who opt to reassume their birth gender,even after surgery.

We live in confusing times.

[HGMercury]

I suppose the closer one is to the "zero" or to the "six" in the scale above, the less the ambiguity of which sex one is attracted to purely from a raw sexual point of view.

[MrsClauz]

I'm not so sure this is just "license" after all, prior to the end of WWII and the one family-one-house, everybody divided into proper family units of him, her and kids we had many varieties of living. Most of them included some sort of society of women. The notion of one primary relationship meeting all ones needs is very modern, historically marriage was about property and progeny.

Go back 100 years and every woman was a part of a large social network with her mother, MIL, sisters and sisters in law on the family farm or business, further back it was the tribe. Men did men things in men's company. Now we marry, leave our clans behind and expect one person to be everything for us. Followed by divorce because we don't get our "needs" met.

It's funny as hell that women seeking out women's company is being treated like someone discovered a new element. Fashionable "girls night" and this crossover lesbian thing is a correction. But of course this is only a temporary thing, too. The notion of pairing off into self sustaining units is unrealistic. Humans are tribal by nature, but instead we are further isolating.

[VoodooDoll]

Funny-- I grew up being called "boy crazy" Talk about raging hormons,every bad decision I made in life was based on my preoccupation with sex.And when I went through menopause it was like a fog had been lifted off my brain and I could finally think instead of feel.But even though I no longer want the drama of being in a relationship,I still like guys.I've never thought, "Oh-I'm not going to have a baby so I'm going to be with a girl" Sounds a bit weak to me.I'll bet all the woman who switched sides had a desire to do before.You don't just wake up and say I want sex with a woman now.

[Nanaama]

Well said ,Voodoodoll. Makes perfect sense.

[jds68]

Yes, very well said. I love the part where you take your limited-to-yourself experience and try to apply it to all others.

[WritusMaximus]

She did say it sounded weak to HER. Same can be said of anybody in here, including the article's author.

[Farzan]

I will start a grass-root movement to put this in the GOP platform next time around. I have to do a lot of well-documented field study using my wife.

[doug108]

Maybe this can get you started:


http://www.hulu.com/watch/50402/family-guy-i-am-a-lesbian

[Farzan]

LOL doug108. That WAS my plan! I can not believe it is alreday done.

[Deen Adejumo]

Everybody is confusing sex, love, life and relationship. You can love somebody but cannot have relationship with him/her and vis versa.

Thanks.

[namedujour]

After reading this I recalled reading an article sometime back that said researchers had learned that woman actually HAVE no sexual orientation. Found it (or another article quoting the same study). Here's the link:

Here's a quote: http://pmsol3.wordpress.com/2007/04/10/male-and-female-sexual-preferences/

It is no surprise that the male and female versions of the human brain operate in distinct patterns, despite the heavy influence of culture. The male brain is sexually oriented toward women as an object of desire. The most direct evidence comes from a handful of cases, some of them circumcision accidents, in which boy babies have lost their penises and been reared as female. Despite every social inducement to the opposite, they grow up desiring women as partners, not men.

Presumably the masculinization of the brain shapes some neural circuit that makes women desirable. If so, this circuitry is wired differently in gay men. In experiments in which subjects are shown photographs of desirable men or women, straight men are aroused by women, gay men by men.

Such experiments do not show the same clear divide with women. Whether women describe themselves as straight or lesbian, “Their sexual arousal seems to be relatively indiscriminate — they get aroused by both male and female images,” Dr. Bailey said. “I’m not even sure females have a sexual orientation. But they have sexual preferences. Women are very picky, and most choose to have sex with men.”

[NotMcCain]

I don't have any expertise in this, but that last sentence is so loaded with anti-gay bias that I think it would invalidate any conclusion from this particular article just based on the researcher involved.

[namedujour]

How is it anti-gay? Do you dispute the fact that most women choose to be with men? If women have no orientation, they're mostly choosing to procreate, as the author of this article says. Then they have the choice to stay or switch. It's mostly social conditioning that makes them choose what they do, but that desire for a traditional family probably tips the scales, even for some women who are more on the lesbian side.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

This is utterly fascinating.

Thank you so much for sharing it. I so appreciate that you are sharing such a well thought and informative comment!

Best,
Eli Davison

[KarateKid]

In 30 years, women will have truly become liberated that they could fly solo instead of not being able to handle going it alone. Solo is the way to go, for true independence.

[Aline Binette]

My psychology teacher used to say "I you don't love yourself, if you can't stand living alone with yourself, you can't live well with someone else or love that person." People use their spouse as a crutch. To function well in a couple you have to be autonomous.

[VoteforPedro]

Kids say the darndest things. Thanks, KK.

[NYC123]

I do think the end of this system of things as we know it is approaching; and I would add to the delight of most of us. I, at least hope that most of us can see that our social infrastructures that we've created, sucks, getting more suckier, and spinning out of control. Important! Coupled with the fact, we have been very-poor stewards of the earth and all it's life forms. In fact as stewards, "we've been selfish predators" and that is being nice!
I am sure a discerning mind, knows exactly what I am talking about and would agree! Note: We still have to make the best out the "hand we've been dealt" and continue-on, chin up!

[NYC123]

Being gay is so accepted, wait 30 years, when there will be no closet. Sad day in America,

[progressiveinga]

Actually, it will be much sooner than 30 years if you look at the polling - the majority of people under 65 support gay marriage. Bigotry and intolerance will be in the closet where it belongs and we will all have equal opportunity under the law as is our guaranteed birthright. Happy Day in America!

[lentinelia]

A lot of sexual behavior is determined by environment.
Look at what happens in single-sex prisons.
A lot of sexual behavior is also determined by what is encouraged and sanctioned by the state.
Ancient Greece, for example. Certain tribes, for example.

People can and will do what they need to in order to satisfy their sexual and emotional needs.
That should be obvious by now.