Switching Sides Later In Life
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" was a clever little slogan of the Women's Movement during the Seventies. Little did I realize then how prescient it would prove to many of my peers as they hit middle age. In the past five years, I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-with-children Girlfriends have bolted from their traditional family geometry and found true love with other women. It's happening in the Parent's Associations of my kids' schools, in my knitting group, in my yoga class and it's a big topic in women's 12-Step groups throughout Los Angeles (and lesbianism was not the addiction they were trying to overcome.) Once I became aware of this quiet Pink Revolution, I couldn't not see it everywhere I looked. But it was comedian Carol Leifer's new book, When You Lie About Your Age The Terrorists Win, that convinced me this stunning phenomenon wasn't exclusive to the experimental, artsy, truth-seeking addicts that make LA such a piquant town--newly minted mid-life lesbianism is a national trend.
My gay brother and other "natural born" homosexuals in my crowd insist that they were gay from day one and that it was a reality, not a decision. I confess that I, personally, had always felt that people who claimed they were "bi" were just smudging the fact that they were gay. But apparently there is this thing called a Kinsey Scale of Sexuality that Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues created in the 1930's and 40's. It ranked people on a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being entirely hetero and 6 being oh-so-homo, and in their studies, most people were somewhere in between. This was in Indiana, a state I would put near the top of my Straight List, but then, my science is only anecdotal and often accidental.
I guess this supports the number of seemingly straight guys, and according to an Oprah show I saw a couple of years ago, African American guys, who live on the DL with their homosexual trysts. But try as I might, I can't find mid-life men in my acquaintance suddenly hooking up with other guys, white, black or brown, and that makes it all the more curious to me. Since the penis seems a good place to start any investigation I will begin there. Because male sex often requires an erection, or -- in other words -- male arousal is visible and therefore not fake-able, it could be said that more women who were born lesbians (versus men who were born homosexual) are in hetero relationships because, really, who could tell the difference, right? That said, women can only fake it up to a point; if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy, eyebrows would eventually be raised in any sensible fellow. And then again, a faked orgasm probably fooled even Dr. Kinsey from time to time.
My Girlfriends who have crossed over after years spent in a satisfying marriage
(satisfaction being entirely subjective) said it had a lot to do with hormones. Well, that word is mine because I think everything is hormonal, but they described the time when they had finished with their biological imperative to move their DNA into the future. That makes sense to me; in their most fertile years they were driven by the same frothy hormonal milkshake that makes teenagers yearn to couple up and steam up the inside of their cars at night and keeps women keenly aware of their biological clocks. For women who are somewhere closer to a 4 or 5 on Kinsey's scale, perhaps once the urge to merge with men dissipates somewhat with the onset of menopause, they ride the "bicycle" less enthusiastically. In fact, I read somewhere that more women than men initiate divorces in middle age and the cliché of men dumping the old model for a hot young one is exaggerated by Hollywood and paparazzi because it is so damn photogenic.
A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands. It's a feeling I admit to experiencing more and more myself, something I like to call the, "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. For more women than I ever knew, this is the profound moment when they decide that a relationship with a person as equipped as they are to discuss complex emotional issues, feed the cat and check the fridge to see what can be turned into a meal all at the same time is like entering the Age of Enlightenment. Not to mention how much better than men's women's sex toys are.
And the sex is great! As Carol Leifer put it (much more succinctly than I) another woman already knows where all the happy spots are and what makes them downright euphoric. She said that it's like knowing your own house--even with the lights off, you still know where all the furniture is. I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after. Think about it, we Girlfriends are usually so intimate with each other in a non-sexual way; we hug and kiss and can even share a bed without thinking about sex. We already behave like lesbians, in fact, most men fantasize that we are, so if we do or don't actually become lesbians isn't necessarily apparent to the outside world. One of my cross-over Girlfriends has gone back and forth between being an occasional lesbian and a hetero wife a couple of times and says it is like being bilingual--she can speak in either tongue. I don't know if the pun was intentional.
Here's what I'm dying to know about mid-life lesbianism--if we choose to become one, can we give up a lifetime of worrying about our weight? Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? If that is true, then the line forms behind me, Ladies!
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In answer Vicki's closing question - the answer would be, theoretically that "bottoms" would not care about appearance as much as achievement, status and resources and that "tops" would care more about appearance. Vicki seems like a more dominant personality, it would seem that she could, as she desires, dress down and put on some weight and score based on her success in her career and other more personality based critera. Ironically, she would find herself wanting (and likely able to score) a hot, young trophy girlfriend.
But that's no reason to let yourself go! Your hot girlfriend is already probably younger than you, if she is overall, generally more healthy than you she'll outlive you by decades!
As a man on the recieving end of this 'trend' I can tell you that its not funny.
I Loved my wife, but shes been on this 'journey' for more than a year. She found a girlfriend 3 months ago. We are getting a divorce. My instigation.
I dont think that the women who are initiating divorces are crossover lesbians. My experience, and the experience of the many straight spouses, male and female, is that their gay spouses refuse to accept 'labels' or take responsibility for their actions and its left to US to 'call' the game and to go for divorce. Whilst coming out they are incredibly selfish, Its all about THEM and THEIR sexuality, but THEY refuse to accept the responsibility of ending the relationship. Many are happy exploring whilst using us as a safety net.
BTW, I'm not emotionally stunted, I never criticised by wife's 'back fat', and in common with with many straight spouses was incredibly supportive, hardworking and far too giving in the relationship. Given my wife's gay upbringing, there was no reason to deny or supress anything. Its frightening then, that for whatever reason, hormonal, mid life, or a reaction to childhood stuff, she has indeed 'switched sides'.
As a man, now in a complete pit, having lost the person who was the love of my life and my future, about to lose my home too, my question is this: Assuming I have a future relationship, how the hell do I avoid another midlifelesbian?
As a man whose been married twice, I can't comprehend the true love portion. I haven't found her. However, I have zero desire to marry again. I suggest you discover what goals you want to achieve in your life and make that priority one, including your children assuming you have them.
When down time arrives and you can date, then date. You will know if your newly driven life has time for a woman when she finds time being supportive and has her own goals as well.
Otherwise, get used to disappointment.
You may have to give up the notion of monogamy.
In response to the person who suggested you give up on the notion of monogomy I suggest you might look into polyamory before you give up on your wife. There is a cute, but poorly acted, web sitcom/drama called Family that revolves around this sort of lifestyle. You can find it on YouTube. Personally I don't think I have the emotional stamina to hold down a full time relationship with more than one person at a time; but some find it a good way of life.
Poly resources:
http://www
http://www
http://www
http://www
http://www
These were found with a simple google search. There's lots more where they came from. I hope they help you.
R
agtfos, I wish you well and send you straight hugs.
My advice to you in entering a new relationship is go slowly and observe carefully. Especially pay attention to her 'reaction' to you physically, and her interactions with females in her life.
Sadly, there are many times warning signs that we choose to ignore when we are "blinded by love", and can only see them in retrospect.
Straight women who really dig men love the smell of a man, the sight of him physically (hair, no hair, pot belly, or whatever), the feel of his skin, his touch and the sound of a deep voice in her ear. It is really that simple. I don't think you can fake it.
You will just have to trust me on this one.
All4Me, you are so right about straight women. Straight women do love everything about a man. I like nothing more than hugging my husband when he walks in the door and just inhaling. I like his rough hands, his sometimes rough face when he needs to shave, and especially the deep voice in the ear. I could not imagine sex with a woman.
Oh that's really sad. I guess the writer forgot there's this other side of the coin. And until you mentioned it, I never thought about how hard this must be on the husband. Don't worry, you'll find someone and soon. There are lots of totally straight totally nice women out there waiting for a guy like you!!
There is 'no other side of the coin' for women like this. It's all about them. As stated above.
Nice role modeling for the grandkids too !
Having 'sex' (if that's what you want to call it -- without a phallus, why even bother?) with another woman would to me be like having sex with my sister. Just so wrong.
agtfos -- if you find someone who has true respect for the phallus and what it represents, you will be in good hands.
Didn't Carol Leifer once have an affair with Jerry Seinfeld? I don't think she's an "expert" on relationships, so why does this article quote her so much? Having said that, I'm newly divorced and thinking about men's bodies all the time!
God Bless America.
Not including the clearly "butch" lesbians (counterparts to the mariposa -butterfly- gay men), I think lesbianism achieved by intellectual choice is often homophobic in its implicit hostility and condescension toward men. I don't think those Gay women are better than we men are; but it seems like they like to make men think, that they think they are, in every way. Maybe their motivation is to assert and explore a modern and uncommon new style of living and socializing to help escape a history and societal norms that seem be of, by and for men. Intellectual unending displays of male power and independence. Maybe intellectual lesbianism and its homophobic attitudes is a reaction to the many similar, unreasonable attitudes held and displayed, ad nauseum, by many men. Maybe the intellectual lesbians have made that sexual orientation into a characature, and chosen that as an identity - perhaps an identity that is a grotesque distortion of human sociality. Maybe it's an unhealthy reaction to the unhealthy actions of men. Those antipathic attitudes don't seem to be a signature characteristic of gay men, curiously, however. But frankly, being male and single, currently, it is discouraging to me when women choose other women as partners and for trysts. Well those are just some of my thoughts and I wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings.
Are you trying to say "misandrist"? It would be homophobia if women hated lesbians, not if they hated men.
The defininition of "homophobia" is more inclusive than than that. It was an appropriate use of the term.
Maybe it's a reaction to men who blather the way you do.
Take a look at what you just wrote. Your own hostility to women who aren't interested in you just leaps off the page.
If a woman had to make a choice between another woman and a man who interprets her every move as hostility toward men (him) .... it wouldn't be a difficult choice.
By characterizing my words as "blather", you sound like how a neocon argues with a liberal. All hostility and name-calling and little or no reasoned debate. I am certainly not hostile toward women, but I noted that hostility and homophobia is a common characteristic of lesbians, yet, curiously, not of gay men. I'm sorry if I hurt hurt your feelings. The things I wrote are just things that I have observed.
Your hostility toward women isn't obscured by your verbiage.
So weatherwaxx, where's the hostility? Could you quote some specific hostile passages? Sounds to me like wesinohio is saying what he has a right to say, which scares you and obviously has hit a nerve. Good on you, Wes!
Maybe this is the hostile part: "Well those are just some of my thoughts and I wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings."
?
How are these women trying to make you think they are better than you? I know several lesbians, and not one thinks she is better than me. Of course I don't come off as hostile towards them either so maybe that's the difference
As a trans woman (still in transition), who spent many years as a gay male, I can tell you that the trend does exist for men. Obviously it is not as fashionable and thus it is kept more secret, but I've had many men tell me that they only had a passing curiosity for other men until they got older, in their mid-forties and fifties, and then they started to explore (and it must be noted that in the gay community there are plenty of opportunities to "explore" in secret). If you look at a place like the local gay chat room on aol during the day on a weekday, at least two thirds of the men there are older guys with kids and a wife who are looking for some gay play on the side. That doesn't mean they're gay though. To be honest, and I've said this many times, the gay movement will not have reached it's zenith until a straight man can have a satisfying sexual experience with another man and not be considered "gay", or at least not be considered anything less than straight which is what "gay" unfortunately means in this country.
I have read often and heard from several women, that's women's sexuality is much more fluid than men's and changeable with the person. It does seem to me that men who "come out " as gay after a decade or more of heterosexual marriage will generally say that they were gay all along and were just hoping for the love of a good woman to save them from a life of perversity and opprobrium and loneliness. Soooo how did that work for ya?
For those who need it:
Opprobrium: something that brings disgrace.
...this is the word of the day. Find an opportunity to use it... ;-)
Good for everybody. Enjoy your time.
I don't know if this "phenomenon" is actually true (seems like a pretty small and anecdotal sample).
But as a hetero woman who became single again mid-life, I can say that the selection of available and appealing men (those not married or not in a committed relationship--or not dating women a decade younger than they) is not very big. Almost nil, where I live.
On the other hand, the "competition" is steep--with lots of available, middle aged, single women who have appealing personalities and are often quite attractive.
So far, I haven't had any feeling of "hooking up", but its definitely an irony that the population of available and attractive (personality, values, etc) middle aged single women seems so much larger than the comparable population of available middle aged men.
Or...maybe its just where I live. Who knows?.
With women surpassing men in many categories of accomplish
Men and women aren't that far apart. I see a lot of sexism in your post. Another word for it, and yes it is an appropriate use of the word, is homophobic. We can accomplish a lot more in this world without seeking to identify one half of humanity as some kind of inferior class. Aren't you behaving in a way that is similar, in important ways, to how the worst men you can think of have behaved?
"Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat?"
Guys are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more tolerant of imperfections on a woman's body than us. I'm afraid we'e our own worst enemy...
So true
once you're in a relationship it's different, especially with another woman. tolerance is part of the deal. the huge flashing sign that this article misses is it's often less about physiological factors and more about emotional connection. when you're in a relationship with another woman, you're there because you love them and enjoy their company and share a mutual appreciation for each other. It's much less about sex and reproduction.
on the streets and in everyday life women are more brutal because subconsciously we're still competing for mates whether we acknowledge it or not. this results in latent hostility and judgement on other women. it's biological.
Yes, straight, b it chy, overly jealous and insecure women will pick apart other women like vultures do roadkill. Gay and bi women run the gamut though, with most being pretty forgiving. In other words, gay people (lesbians included) are like anyone else; some are shallow, some aren't!
Women who see each other as competition for the available males are indeed another woman's worst enemy. I don't have any bi or lesbian friends who get into that nonsense. And if you think men are tolerant, you never heard my brother and his buddies cutting women up behind their backs.
What a man says to a woman when he's trying to get laid... that's another matter altogether.
I respectfully disagree. Straight women may be judgemental of other women's bodies, but in my experience lesbian and bi women are more appreciative and tolerant of "real" women's bodies. Back fat and all :-)
That's a false dichotomy. Sexual preference of the same sex doesn't override an innate need to compete for attention in Society.
You either date women who both straight men and women find repulsive or your pool of experience is so shallow that you haven't been exposed to a broad enough data set to realize that we all judge [we discern and choose every thought form through life] and no matter what your sexual preference men know they don't control the power of the Vagina.
Men being more tolerant is out of necessity and not some innate trait that we have and which women do not possess. We would rather be impatient and intolerant of women's moods and random chit chat, but in doing so we know the end result: NO SEX.
Acutally, I'm willing to bet that each gender is it's own worst critic.
All you semi-demi-
Here's a message from a straight lady, a mighty woman with a torch:
...cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your underloved men yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your softball-teaming shore.
Send these, the love-starved, temporaril
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
(apologies to Emma Lazarus)
Thank you!
The thing I never liked about feminism is the man-hating and protests of "we don't need them."
There is something repugnant about wanting to shut half the human race out of your life.
How is that any different from wanting to shut, say, black people out?
The difference is they want to shut out half of the population in your scenario.
It's like the Christians who want to get rid of the Muslims...
I commented on that at some length in another post here that hasn't been approved yet.
Sexual orientation isn't 'wanting to shut people out.'
Gay men don't necessarily hate women - I have a good longtime buddy who's gay. But women don't turn him on.
Lesbianism isn't about hating men, though the male attitude of "all they need is a good f***" is certainly not endearing.
This isn't the same as racism. If a guy gets turned on by long-legged blonds, is it racist if he isn't attracted to a short Black woman?
You're welcome to my ex-husband, honey - but don't say I didn't warn you.
I thought this article was going to be about switching political parties!
This article reminds me of the Mad TV sketches about the "Lowered Expectations Dating Service."
Or maybe is higher expectations.
not too long ago I had a conversation with a woman who identified herself as 'bi-sexual'. I was intrigued and asked who, male or female, whom had she had her best sex with? Without hesitation she said, 'female'. Hah. I am a totally hetero woman, but I have a list of women I have crushes on, who I would love to kiss and cuddle. But I don't think of them when I...yanno? Not that I'm ruling out having a sexual relationship with another woman either. Maybe I just gotta meet the right one. But then, I know what I want and it ain't no one who possesses the same wonderful attributes I already have. Purrr!
Cool.. More straight man bashing - a HuffPost rarity indeed!
Yea. I've never been as denigrating toward women as this writer is toward men.
Guys, we need a cuddle circle.
Can I be in the middle?
:D
Wow, i love the honesty in some of the answers...
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