Switching Sides Later In Life
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" was a clever little slogan of the Women's Movement during the Seventies. Little did I realize then how prescient it would prove to many of my peers as they hit middle age. In the past five years, I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-with-children Girlfriends have bolted from their traditional family geometry and found true love with other women. It's happening in the Parent's Associations of my kids' schools, in my knitting group, in my yoga class and it's a big topic in women's 12-Step groups throughout Los Angeles (and lesbianism was not the addiction they were trying to overcome.) Once I became aware of this quiet Pink Revolution, I couldn't not see it everywhere I looked. But it was comedian Carol Leifer's new book, When You Lie About Your Age The Terrorists Win, that convinced me this stunning phenomenon wasn't exclusive to the experimental, artsy, truth-seeking addicts that make LA such a piquant town--newly minted mid-life lesbianism is a national trend.
My gay brother and other "natural born" homosexuals in my crowd insist that they were gay from day one and that it was a reality, not a decision. I confess that I, personally, had always felt that people who claimed they were "bi" were just smudging the fact that they were gay. But apparently there is this thing called a Kinsey Scale of Sexuality that Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues created in the 1930's and 40's. It ranked people on a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being entirely hetero and 6 being oh-so-homo, and in their studies, most people were somewhere in between. This was in Indiana, a state I would put near the top of my Straight List, but then, my science is only anecdotal and often accidental.
I guess this supports the number of seemingly straight guys, and according to an Oprah show I saw a couple of years ago, African American guys, who live on the DL with their homosexual trysts. But try as I might, I can't find mid-life men in my acquaintance suddenly hooking up with other guys, white, black or brown, and that makes it all the more curious to me. Since the penis seems a good place to start any investigation I will begin there. Because male sex often requires an erection, or -- in other words -- male arousal is visible and therefore not fake-able, it could be said that more women who were born lesbians (versus men who were born homosexual) are in hetero relationships because, really, who could tell the difference, right? That said, women can only fake it up to a point; if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy, eyebrows would eventually be raised in any sensible fellow. And then again, a faked orgasm probably fooled even Dr. Kinsey from time to time.
My Girlfriends who have crossed over after years spent in a satisfying marriage
(satisfaction being entirely subjective) said it had a lot to do with hormones. Well, that word is mine because I think everything is hormonal, but they described the time when they had finished with their biological imperative to move their DNA into the future. That makes sense to me; in their most fertile years they were driven by the same frothy hormonal milkshake that makes teenagers yearn to couple up and steam up the inside of their cars at night and keeps women keenly aware of their biological clocks. For women who are somewhere closer to a 4 or 5 on Kinsey's scale, perhaps once the urge to merge with men dissipates somewhat with the onset of menopause, they ride the "bicycle" less enthusiastically. In fact, I read somewhere that more women than men initiate divorces in middle age and the cliché of men dumping the old model for a hot young one is exaggerated by Hollywood and paparazzi because it is so damn photogenic.
A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands. It's a feeling I admit to experiencing more and more myself, something I like to call the, "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. For more women than I ever knew, this is the profound moment when they decide that a relationship with a person as equipped as they are to discuss complex emotional issues, feed the cat and check the fridge to see what can be turned into a meal all at the same time is like entering the Age of Enlightenment. Not to mention how much better than men's women's sex toys are.
And the sex is great! As Carol Leifer put it (much more succinctly than I) another woman already knows where all the happy spots are and what makes them downright euphoric. She said that it's like knowing your own house--even with the lights off, you still know where all the furniture is. I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after. Think about it, we Girlfriends are usually so intimate with each other in a non-sexual way; we hug and kiss and can even share a bed without thinking about sex. We already behave like lesbians, in fact, most men fantasize that we are, so if we do or don't actually become lesbians isn't necessarily apparent to the outside world. One of my cross-over Girlfriends has gone back and forth between being an occasional lesbian and a hetero wife a couple of times and says it is like being bilingual--she can speak in either tongue. I don't know if the pun was intentional.
Here's what I'm dying to know about mid-life lesbianism--if we choose to become one, can we give up a lifetime of worrying about our weight? Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? If that is true, then the line forms behind me, Ladies!
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Sorry I can't relate to this I would not ever want to live with another women.
I wish I could remember the name of the article I read a while ago and where it was published, but the gist of the article was that women's sexuality is more fluid than men's, which remains more fixed in terms of heterosexual and homosexual. I found it fascinating and also in line with my knowledge of women and men. I apologize for the lack of specificity here!
An earlier post hit the nail on the head when pointing out that it is more socially acceptable for women to come out as bi then men. Like waaaaaaaaaaay more acceptable.
I have known some straight men who dabble in the gay lifestyle on the dl, and believe me when I say you would NEVER guess that they would be into that. Good looking, masculine men who have attractive girlfriends getting it on with gay men (who are sometimes not that attractive) in bathrooms and such.
While I really enjoyed reading your article, I also enjoyed reading the comments. Thanks.
...Because men are soooo concerned about cellulite and back fat once a woman gets naked....
I got a great title for this article: Heterosexual Marriage - Who Needs It?
Probably they were always gay, but repressed it due to religious, family and community pressures. They went the "normal" route, had kids, etc - but either snuck something on the side or finally figured it out - like Ted Haggard.
That is my suspicion too.
Perhaps this increase in same-sex pairing is evolutionary, not revolutionary, as
a genetic progamming, something like a sleeper-cell that's been encoded in
in humankind since day one, as a response to over population.
Think of it as a brilliant master plan, one that sure as hell beats War, Famine,
Aggression and Starvation, not to mention Global Warming.
That said, some of us will still yearn for the opposite sex. Who knows, perhaps
in the future, hetero will be the new Gay. I could live with that as long as the
Government passes no laws.
This is the main reason older men looked to younger women for sexuality. It seems very logical. Younger women are competing with the "alpha" males for securities of any kind. Which is family, fortune, and careers. The real irony is that if it were not for Viagra, older males would follow their female counterparts into gay old age as well!
Uh, no way, sorry. There are certainly guys who go both ways, but for the great majority of men who are attracted to women, the idea of getting together with a man would make you puke
Men and women are different on this. Don' forget the earlier version of this, lesbian until graduation, with college girls fooling around until they go out into the world and start looking for a man to make a family with. There is a reason that recently popular song was "I kissed a girl" sung by a girl. If it was a young man singing "I kissed a boy" it would have gone nowhere.
The real irony is that if it were not for Viagra, older males would follow their female counterparts into gay old age as well!
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Oh lord, what planet are you posting from? Is it even in our solar system. Ms. Andrist?
The kinsey scale is absolutely true. And in fact, in my opinion, most people are born bisexual. That's what makes them able to "switch" later on.
When they asked Heath Ledger if it was difficult to kiss another man during the movie, he said no, that he was kissing the mouth of another person, he wasn't kissing a goat. And people forget that. By making a big deal of it...."ooo
It's not exotic. It's not strange, or weird, or uncommon. It's normal. People should be with whoever they feel intimate and safe with, whoever they have chemistry with.
In my opinion, most people are born trisexual. Note that most children ride a tricycle, then a bicycle. I'm still studying why so many change to autos then...Thi
trisexual? try anything at lest once?
tricycle..
I disagree. Pics of attractive women kissing are ubiquitous. No so with men. It is, to most men and women alike, simply gross.
Gross? No more so than two women. It's just that men are far more insecure.
I think we like who we like, love who we love and it really doesn't have to be an either/or kind of thing about orientation.
I think eventually people will just date each other and it won't be a qualified as either homo- or heterosexual ~ Which will be GREAT for the kids who are coming up who will want to date their own gender exclusively for they won't have to be burdened with some weird judgment about it.
As a woman I personally love the fantasy of sex with my own gender, but wouldn't want to participate when it comes to brass tacks. I mean, in real life, I have a preference where I want my face and it's not in a woman's lap. When it comes to laying down with someone, I want it to be with a man. No chance I'll be going the other way, but the idea that it plays a part in my sexual fantasies I think provides more evidence that Kinsey's scale is right on.
We're all human and run the gamut of that experience.
to me, bisexuality is soo mysterious. it's concurrent with somke, alternating in some. 50-50 or 90-10. some say bi to avoid saying gay. some say gay to avoid getting laughed at with the bi truth. i've dated married men, separeated men, divorced men, som echildless, some dads, some grampas.
and ONLY THEY can know their own true sexuality, but NOT ALWAYS!!!
bis drive me crazy, i tell ya! (partly cuz this 100% gay guy is a little jealous.)
It is simply a matter of hormones and time. Once a woman leaves the confines of those "child-bearing" years, she starts to look for fulfillment on the negelected levels of intellect, emotional connection, and yes even sexually, that she didn't get from her husband/lo
If a woman has had a long term loving and sustained connected relationship with a man who really cared about her, she wouldn't need to go looking elsewhere. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Heads up guys! You're not the only ones who can play this game.
This is just illogical.
Women who are actually heterosexual don't look for or wish to attract another woman. Look at it another way. If your husband came home and said, "I wasn't fulfilled in this marriage because you're a couch potato, so I did the thing with Bob", you can pretty well conclude "he is gay."
Same goes for you, hon! If a woman sleeps with her "best girl friend" because hubby "let himself go" she is telling a whopper that she is using to justify her homosexuality.
Guys: straight women don't sleep with their female friends because you're a couch potato. They only sleep with their female friends if they are gay.
"They only sleep with their female friends if they are gay."
I am guessing you have never been to a swingers party?
Women will sleep with women for a variety of reasons. And they will do it without a hint of "I must be gay" in many cases. IMO most married female swingers will have had sex with another women if they are at all experienced.
Just not a big deal. Nor should it be.
I'm with you on this one.
She might be bisexual. And since when does anyone have to "justify" homosexuality?
Personally, I think if a marriage isn't working anymore, it's better to call it quits and try again with someone else, male or female. Not everyone feels that way, but if you promised to be monogamous - that's the fine print on a marriage vow - the honest thing to do is end the commitment before looking around... not cheat and risk transmitting STDs to an unsuspecting partner.
It's different for guys.
It's different for guys, but have you ever looked on craigslist and seen the ads of 'newly divorced' guys who have finally, finally, decided they're into other men? Or the married guys looking for guys to 'hook up' with?
Maybe it's not that different for guys.
maybe these are guys who were homosexual all along but forced themselves into society's "norm" of a heterosexual marriage and family
Kinsey was debunked a long time ago.
But I would suggest, in fact I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE, any woman who thinks she might want to have a lesbian relationship that she hurry up and do it...
...and leave all the straight men to the women who love them.
Thanks! We like men just the way they are!
And we can talk to them just fine at any point before, during or after. Surprisingly, a lot of them are capable of discussing complex emotional issues, actually feed the cat, and check the fridge. It has been known to happen!
(Note to men: when the writer talks about "we Girlfriends" she is speaking for herself. She wants to believe her op is held universally by Women as a Gender, but is expressing her own sexist belief.)
Everything that exists has also been debunked.
Thank you, Nietzsche.
Or do you refer to the Maya of Advaita Vedanta?
Or doesn't it matter, since your existence has been debunked, by your own definition?
Agree.
Would you like to substantiate your claim about Kinsey? I recognize his name, but I don't think you're exactly an authority. You sound more like you od'd on Marabel Morgan, and talk about debunked..
Your post gave me hope as a 19 year old man. I was starting to believe all women were buying into this stuff. Thanks.
Interesting. Can't say that the issues that come with being in a relationship would be any different whether it's same sex or not...it's tricky to generalize
Hormones don't drive you away from men and toward women. A lesbian, I had a total hysterectomy, and I can tell you without the hormones, I don't want sex with ANYONE. What's really happening is women who are actually gay finally deciding they can stop playing the "straight game." It's the same thing that's happened forever: now it's just more obvious, since it isn't so hidden.
So if you turn into a lesbian you can get all fat and sloppy and your beloved won't care? No, it isn't true. For one thing, it's unhealthy and you'll die early and leave her alone. For another, you'll squish her.
And as we all know, even getting squished gets old after a while... :)
LOL!
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