Switching Sides Later In Life
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" was a clever little slogan of the Women's Movement during the Seventies. Little did I realize then how prescient it would prove to many of my peers as they hit middle age. In the past five years, I've been stunned by how many of my formerly married-with-children Girlfriends have bolted from their traditional family geometry and found true love with other women. It's happening in the Parent's Associations of my kids' schools, in my knitting group, in my yoga class and it's a big topic in women's 12-Step groups throughout Los Angeles (and lesbianism was not the addiction they were trying to overcome.) Once I became aware of this quiet Pink Revolution, I couldn't not see it everywhere I looked. But it was comedian Carol Leifer's new book, When You Lie About Your Age The Terrorists Win, that convinced me this stunning phenomenon wasn't exclusive to the experimental, artsy, truth-seeking addicts that make LA such a piquant town--newly minted mid-life lesbianism is a national trend.
My gay brother and other "natural born" homosexuals in my crowd insist that they were gay from day one and that it was a reality, not a decision. I confess that I, personally, had always felt that people who claimed they were "bi" were just smudging the fact that they were gay. But apparently there is this thing called a Kinsey Scale of Sexuality that Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues created in the 1930's and 40's. It ranked people on a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being entirely hetero and 6 being oh-so-homo, and in their studies, most people were somewhere in between. This was in Indiana, a state I would put near the top of my Straight List, but then, my science is only anecdotal and often accidental.
I guess this supports the number of seemingly straight guys, and according to an Oprah show I saw a couple of years ago, African American guys, who live on the DL with their homosexual trysts. But try as I might, I can't find mid-life men in my acquaintance suddenly hooking up with other guys, white, black or brown, and that makes it all the more curious to me. Since the penis seems a good place to start any investigation I will begin there. Because male sex often requires an erection, or -- in other words -- male arousal is visible and therefore not fake-able, it could be said that more women who were born lesbians (versus men who were born homosexual) are in hetero relationships because, really, who could tell the difference, right? That said, women can only fake it up to a point; if she felt like retching every time she had sex with her guy, eyebrows would eventually be raised in any sensible fellow. And then again, a faked orgasm probably fooled even Dr. Kinsey from time to time.
My Girlfriends who have crossed over after years spent in a satisfying marriage
(satisfaction being entirely subjective) said it had a lot to do with hormones. Well, that word is mine because I think everything is hormonal, but they described the time when they had finished with their biological imperative to move their DNA into the future. That makes sense to me; in their most fertile years they were driven by the same frothy hormonal milkshake that makes teenagers yearn to couple up and steam up the inside of their cars at night and keeps women keenly aware of their biological clocks. For women who are somewhere closer to a 4 or 5 on Kinsey's scale, perhaps once the urge to merge with men dissipates somewhat with the onset of menopause, they ride the "bicycle" less enthusiastically. In fact, I read somewhere that more women than men initiate divorces in middle age and the cliché of men dumping the old model for a hot young one is exaggerated by Hollywood and paparazzi because it is so damn photogenic.
A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands. It's a feeling I admit to experiencing more and more myself, something I like to call the, "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. For more women than I ever knew, this is the profound moment when they decide that a relationship with a person as equipped as they are to discuss complex emotional issues, feed the cat and check the fridge to see what can be turned into a meal all at the same time is like entering the Age of Enlightenment. Not to mention how much better than men's women's sex toys are.
And the sex is great! As Carol Leifer put it (much more succinctly than I) another woman already knows where all the happy spots are and what makes them downright euphoric. She said that it's like knowing your own house--even with the lights off, you still know where all the furniture is. I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after. Think about it, we Girlfriends are usually so intimate with each other in a non-sexual way; we hug and kiss and can even share a bed without thinking about sex. We already behave like lesbians, in fact, most men fantasize that we are, so if we do or don't actually become lesbians isn't necessarily apparent to the outside world. One of my cross-over Girlfriends has gone back and forth between being an occasional lesbian and a hetero wife a couple of times and says it is like being bilingual--she can speak in either tongue. I don't know if the pun was intentional.
Here's what I'm dying to know about mid-life lesbianism--if we choose to become one, can we give up a lifetime of worrying about our weight? Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? If that is true, then the line forms behind me, Ladies!
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Loved the article. Thanks!
My motto is that just because I have sex with a woman does not mean I am straight. And just because I have sex with a man does not mean I am gay. Because one may happen one day and the other the next.
The ONLY people who are constantly on the defensive about their sexuality are typically the rabid, near homophobic heterosexuals. You would never see a gay person get completely torn up and nearly violent by someone calling them 'straight' but you see it with 'straight' people all the time.
I think it has to do with self-truth. If we take away all of the programming and assimilation and we are left, in our mind's eye, to see our pure self: I think we would find someone a lot more complex, diverse and beautiful than we ALLOWED OURSELVES TO IMAGINE.
THIS is the IRONY: the label of gay or straight limits how we see ourselves as accepting of love and giving of love. Bisexual or sexual neutrality opens the door to MANY more possibilities of adding more love to a world in desperate need. I am not talking about sex so much: I'm talking about how 100% self acceptance opens you up to an enlightened state that allows for a different perspective on LOVE in general.
I've already put too many comments on this post, and should 'get out of here' but I wanted to say, I really appreciate your comment. You sound like an enlightened person - EXCELLENT! Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing the truth about yourself.
What? This isn't PC, but the label "straight" isn't something most ever use. Sex is what we choose to do and not how we identify. We're married, single, dating, or living with someone. We're girlfriends, lovers, significant others, wives, husbands, boyfriends. We want to have sex or not. For a lot of us, it's just about having sex or not.
*applause*
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Makes some sense from a life expectancy standpoint that women who are less solidly heterosexual would be open to same-sex relationships later in life, when they outnumber males in more pronounced ways. My mom has been single since she was in her mid-20s when I was a preschooler. There always seem to be way more single women than single men in any singles groups she's gotten involved with. I'm not really happy with the romantic situation she was in last we spoke about the subject (he's married and seems to have no intention of ending the marriage, and it doesn't sound like an open marriage - deception bothers me, especially since my parents marriage ended because of my father having an affair. At least in mom's situation, there aren't minor children involved, he's also a grandparent). If I outlive my husband, I'm not sure if I'd even bother seeking another romantic relationship, my libido isn't that high and I don't know if I think a new relationship is worth the hassle anymore (my marriage is, because of the investment and beyond sex/drama relationship we have - I married my best friend). For me, I fall in love with what's between someone's ears and in their heart/soul, not what's between their legs.
I think it's becoming more evident that homosexuality is not an "orientation", but rather simply a behavior. Why do people engage in homosexual behavior? Why do they chose to smoke, stay in abusive relationships, etc...?
"I think it's becoming more evident that homosexuality is not an "orientation", but rather simply a behavior. "
I think it's becoming more evident that framing homosexuality as either an "orientation" or a "simply a behavior" is to engage in fallacious binary reasoning. Why can't homosexuality be an "orientation" for some people, "simply a behavior" for others, and some combination of the two for still others?
"Why do people engage in homosexual behavior? Why do they chose to smoke, stay in abusive relationships, etc...?"
Why do some people frame homosexual behavior as if it were inherently self-destructive, akin to smoking, staying in abusive relationships, etc...?
Then that must mean your straight orientation is not really an orientation at all, that it's a behavior, and that somewhere along the line you "chose" to be straight? Like you chose what brand of soft drink to buy? What a ridiculous statement.
I think it's becoming more evident that (1) people with no idea what they are talking about continue to spew pseudo-science to justify their fairy tales and (2) as more and more people come to accept homosexuality, more and more homosexuals in heterosexual relationships feel empowered enough to embrace who they really are.
I don't understand your distinction.
Here's how I'd couch the issue: The evidence seems to suggest that we are all set to a particular point on Kinsey's sexuality scale very early on, but that, in some (not most) cases, environmental factors -- changing hormones, particular personal circumstances, culture in general -- can play some (generally small) role in shifting us on that scale.
Clearly, though, sexuality is mainly biological and mainly set from an early age. "Therapy" to make gays straight, for instance, is nonsense on stilts.
It's only becoming more evident in your mind, which is becoming narrower and narrower. The rest you seem to have made up.
"I can only barely imagine what it must be like to have sex and have someone to talk to after."
Wow - I hope this statement is artistic license hyperbole. If not the author has been exclusively involved with the wrong type of guys, and no wonder she's been thinking about "switching sides."
It sounds exactly like my ex-husband, emphasis on the EX. Of course, he wasn't much to talk to at any other time, either.
Some guys do just switch off after sex - I think it's neurological. It's how they behave the rest of the time that makes the difference.
yikes. what to acknowledge? arriana, do you pay for content? i can out-write this and i'm neither middle-aged nor vaginal.
i think a lot of that "true love with other women" is a dissatisfaction with male:female relationships that is more cultural than 'the nature of things' (commensurate with a contemporary liberalism where alternatives are more tolerated). the causes and dynamics are so varied.
my favorite explanation i've heard from a woman is, "it's just easier". makes perfect sense.
the problem with the kinsey list, other than the fact someone thinks they know what they're talking about, is a delineation of extremes. how can anyone be *perfectly* hetero/homo?
alas, sexuality is personal and these tracks tend to get under people's skin if they've a stake in their identity - perhaps most of us.
I have seen other writers note the converse phenomenon: Women in same sex relationships during their twenties suddenly deciding that they had a man-shaped hole in their relationships (or someplace else) and suddenly go hetero. I think tht biological clock has a lot to do with it.
Most women will tell you that once they hit their 40s men stop noticing them. We stop being sexual beings to them. On the other hand I can see a middle aged women checking me out on the street or at the bar. And that feels good even though I am as straight as it gets. But a little worm is always there where I ask myself:"Could I?" And maybe one of these days I might find out that 'yes I can'.
That's just crazy talk.
No, it isn't. Put a 40-year-old man in a room with women in their 20's and women his own age, and watch who he talks to. Not all men will ignore the older women, but most will suck in their stomachs, stand up straighter, and swarm around the younger gals.
I disagree SJBrown. Never say Never!
quindy, you said "And that feels good even though I am as straight as it gets".
Would you be able to handle it if I said "um, I don't think so".
Because women check me out all the time, of all ages. Women hit on me openly. I left a job because the female boss sexually harassed me (yes, I'm a chicken, I took the door instead of the grievance process).
Tell you what it feels like to me, a Straight Woman, capital S and W: It gives me the creeps. It makes me want to toss my cookies. It is like as if you put a spider on my arm. Revolting. I never think "could I?" I think "get the hell out of Dodge".
(men only stop noticing you if you stop giving off that "whoah he is fine" vibe)
More like, "whoah like I still got it vibe.
I always loved that first line..."a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"...
On the same lines..."A man needs a woman when he wants to ruin his life"....
Hey, if you prefer men that's perfectly all right.
I prefer women...
My point with the comment above is this...that stupid saying...women need men like a fish needs...
Yet...when women and men get a divorce it's THE MAN who ends up paying the way for the women...
So... it may be safe to say...women DO need men when it comes to $$$...other wise they wouldn't be clogging up the court systems with their need for alimony.
The main reason I can sympathize with gays is because I know what its like to be a straight woman and physically retch thinking about being with another woman. It must be like that for gay men. On the flipside, it helps me to imagine why lesbians and straight men are attracted to women. They must retch when they think about being with men. Its that simple. If gay was the norm, I'd be an outcast or I'd be alone before I would be with someone I don't want to be with just to satisfy the expectations of other people. Gays deserve their rights. They deserve them yesterday.
That said, I applaud anyone who "switches sides" later in life and is happy with it. Having the courage to make yourself happy above society's prejudices is a virtue.
"That said, I applaud anyone who "switches sides" later in life and is happy with it. Having the courage to make yourself happy above society's prejudices is a virtue."
Except when it means devastation for the spouse who is completely blind-sided by the "switch" , as the immortal Carrie Fisher puts it "He forgot to tell me he was gay and I forgot to ask".
It's like, whoooops. My bad.
I'm not sure I buy the "switiching sides" thing. It might just mean the homosexual in the relationship used the straight spouse as a cover, a "beard", or as a breeder for years.
For information on how this might feel for the straight spouse, see straightspouse.org
The personal stories are something of an education.
I suspect for a lot of gays and lesbians, it's like it was for Oscar Wilde. He married young, he never questioned whether marrying someone of the opposite sex was right, and when he realized he was gay, it created all kinds of trouble for him and, of course, his poor wife.
I've known a few people who lost spouses to this sudden realization, and it's never easy for either of them. And it's usually ignorance, not malicious intent.
This is what so many men fear, which is why we have religion and the republican party.
I say live and let live.
Amen!
Why would men fear this?
Who knows? But a lot of men seem to hate and fear women who don't need them. Maybe they're scared they'll have to find their own socks?
You know this is becoming mainstream when...it becomes a story line on "Guiding Light."
How can women be labeled as lesbian or heterosexual when the article starts with the Kinsey fact of a sexual continuum? If our sexuality ranges from homosexual to heterosexual than the label depends on the behavior at the time of observation. Once a relationship ends, you end up back on the continuum and you are again a bisexual until you choose your next partner. If the next partner is opposite sex you are heterosexual; if the next partner is same sex you are homosexual. What is in your mind or your genes can't be measured. Its about your sexual behavior. Behavior is easily observed and labeled.
When I was married I was heterosexual, not homosexual in denial. Once the marriage ended I didn't seek another. I recognized my own sexual continuum. Now I'm homosexual, not heterosexual in hiding. I made the switch in my late 30s. I doubt it had anything to do with hormones. If the sex drive dies due to hormonal depletion it won't come back by switching to a same-sex partner. We homos have the same sexual desire problems as heteros. And, concerning body flab, we homos like lean bodies too. We don't have lower standards. If you love your partner and don't like their flab, help them lose it or else accept it as the change that comes with age. All relationships have similar elements regardless of each partner's gender.
i'm a kinsey 6 guy, absoutely no interest in sexing the gals. so when some say it's all shades of gray, i say not for me. i'm not bragging. in fact, i might be complaining a little. but that tells you that i'm being honest!
As homosexuality becomes more socially acceptable, I would not be surprised at all, if this "trend" (for lack of a better word) picks up. Even heterosexual women find men attractive for more reasons than just appearance. Examples, women like intellectual men or men with a good sense of humor, far more than just a guy's body or bronze.
Unlike men, who are mostly attracted to the physical aspects of women.
And, women are just more open-minded than most men...so, with that, women have a better chance of being physically attracted to an attribute, that may just be connected to another woman.
I'm a woman who has always been with men, but if a woman approached me I wouldn't pass up the prospect. Especially if she had qualities I admired.
This so-called phenomena is so old. Within my milieu in the 1970's and 80's - granted a feminist community - we were noticing that "trend". My group were in their 20's and 30's at the time, and we were noticing it among our mother's generation ( women in their 50's). So this is nothing new. Its just getting more media publicity these days.
And the reasons are complex.
1)Homophobia
2) women reaching an age when they are more comfortable with being who they are instead of what societal pressures had encouraged them to be
3) realizing the connection between emotional and sexual intimacy, which men are still not so skilled in
4) women reaching a point in their marriage when they wanted out anyway, especially when children are older
5) greater financial independence, although women initiate divorces even when they lose out financially.
So any or all combo of above. And i don't believe in a static/set sexuality. Nothing to do with what no. one is on the Kinsey scale. My belief is we're fluid and changeable, within a spectrum.
And btw, the statistics on divorce: approx. 2/3 to 3/4 of divorces are initiated by women. You wouldn't know that from the male dominated media, who seem to carp on about men leaving their wives for younger women...
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