As far as celebrity splits go, Olivia Wilde and Tao Ruspoli's seems pretty easy. At least the "Cowboys & Aliens" actress and the prince, married for eight years, don't have any kids.
But that might have been the problem; childfree couples divorce more often than couples who have at least one child, according to researchers, despite numerous studies that indicate marital happiness plummets in the first year or two after the birth of a child and sometimes never quite recoups.
Among the research author Po Bronson gathered for his various books, he notes the work done by sociologist Paul H. Jacobson as proof:
"For couples without children, the divorce rate in 1948 was 15.3 per 1,000. Where one child was present, the estimate rate was 11.6 per 1,000. The figure thus continues to decrease, and in families with four or more children, it was 4.6. Altogether, the rate for couples with children was 8.8 per 1,000. In other words, the rate for childless couples was almost double the rate for families with children."
OK, but Jacobson's study was published in 1950; is it still true today?
Yes, according to journalist Anneli Rufus, whose number crunching discovered that of the divorced couples in the United States, 66 percent are childless compared with 40 percent who have kids. Why? Evidently, the "absence of children leads to loneliness and weariness."
I don't know about that; I know of a lot of parents who are not only lonely in their marriage but extremely weary because of their kids.
"I've been tracking the childfree for over 10 years now, and see many, many happily married childfree couples out there," says Laura Carroll, author of "Families of Two: Interviews With Happily Married Couples Without Children by Choice" who blogs at La Vie Childfree. Carroll is trying to revive the idea of Non-Parents Day, celebrated Aug. 1, so named in 1972 by the National Organization for Non-Parents, which then became the National Alliance for Optional Parenthood.
It's understandable that kidfree couples would be happy -- they have more time, energy and money to spend on their careers, friends, each other and themselves. And, according to recent surveys, one for No Kidding!, an international social group for people without children, and one by Laura S. Scott, author of "Two is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice," couples often decide not to have kids because they want to put their relationship first -- having kids can get in the way.
So if they're so happy, why do more kidfree couples end up splitting?
"People assume children are the glue that holds a marriage together, which really isn't true. Kids are huge stressors," says Scott, head of the Childless by Choice Project whose documentary on childfree couples was just released. "Despite that, there is a strong motive to stay together. The childfree don't have that motive so there's no reason to stay together if it's not working." That's why for Wilde, who says her relationship became too much work and "I don't think love should be work," it wasn't too hard to kiss her prince goodbye.
Says Lori Buckley, a certified sex therapist, "A lot of couples come into my office and the only reason they are working on the relationship is because of the children."
If you don't have kids, divorce is often easier, legally and financially if not necessarily emotionally. All you have to focus on is who gets what of the stuff and who gets how much of the assets; no custody issues, no family court, no Parental Alienation Syndrome. Some states even make it almost a breeze; in Tennessee, couples with kids have to meet higher standards to be able to divorce than those without kids. In Virginia, couples with children face a mandatory waiting period of about a year before they can get a divorce; kidfree couples often have to wait about six months.
But there's a difference between couples who are childfree by choice and those who are childless because they can't have kids, and the latter make up the bulk of the childfree. "Not all the childfree are intentionally childfree couples," Scott discovered in her research after talking to hundreds of couples. "A good chunk are postponers, those who delay parenthood."
Sometimes couples delay to the point that fertility problems arise. "Then the question of ''When should we have kids?' morphs into 'Should we have kids?" Scott says, forcing couples to explore other ways to have a baby, such as adoption, surrogates or in vitro fertilization (IVF). That, she says, can be extremely stressful and can lead to a fracture that a couple can't get past. In fact, many infertility specialists recommend marital counseling.
"If one partner desperately wants to try to have a child and one partner might not put as high a priority on it, that could be a deal breaker," she says. Often a couple hasn't discussed what point they stop trying -- how much money, how much time, how many procedures. Many women often feel like failures and feel less close to their partners; for many men, the fertility process can turn sex into anything other than pleasure. "I hear from men who say, 'This isn't fun anymore. I feel like I'm sperm on demand,'" Scott says.
If couples can't agree, they're more likely to split.
And there may be more childfree couples ahead; fewer people believe that kids are "very important" to a successful marriage, according to a 2007 survey by the Pew Research Center. About 65 percent of us believed they were back in 1990, but just 41 percent of us believe that now. About 7 percent of Millennials -- those born in or after 1982 -- say they don't want kids and 19 percent aren't sure. But if that 19 percent waits too long, they may be the next crop of infertile, and perhaps divorced, couples.
"A lot of people don't have the kid conversation before they get married. They just assume parenthood," Scott says.
So unless you want to celebrate Non-Parents Day because you truly don't want to be a parent, "have that conversation before you commit to someone." she advises.
Follow Vicki Larson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/OMGchronicles
Lisa Hymas: I Am the Population Problem
My husband and I are sad that we could not have children. We contribute to the world in other ways. I re-focused my life on a career in public service. Even so, I feel stigmatized among my peers and coworkers who have experienced motherhood, a phase of life that I will bypass altogether. Often, others assume that we are childless through some fault of our own (postponers, for instance). Articles like this one, which utilize outdated evidence and make sweeping assumptions about the childfree and the infertile, only contribute to that stigma.
I am surprised and displeased that the Huffington Post would consider publishing this piece. I ask you, journalist, mother, thinker: before you publish, please think a little harder about those of us who, through no fault of our own, will never experience the joy of holding our own baby.
Thanks for taking the time to speak up about this issue. I am on my 3rd (and last) round of IVF this September. I too am sad at the possibility of not being able to have a child with my husband but it will not be the end of the world or our relationship. I have chose to work in maternal/child as a RN and refocus my energy on helping bring life into the world through other measures.
One thing I have realized during my struggle the past year is that a child will not make my husband and I love each other more than we already do.
People without kids simply don't have those rationales for staying in a marriage they do not wish to be in. Generally, each unchilded spouse works and can afford themselves so yes, they leave more often.
The journalist Anneli Rufus summation that not having children" leads to lonliness and weariness" is substantiated as married, single, childed or unchilded, each state of being can be, or not be, lonely and/or weary. Those states of being are not relegated to one demographic.
But yeah, you're right, its cheaper to keeper is reason enough for many childed unhappily marrieds to stay together.
On the other hand, if you are "childfree" because you were trying and had infertility issues, well that isn't childfree by choice. I can see that unhappiness can overtake such unions and that they might end in divorce once they realize that a major reason why they got married in the first place no longer exists. I have a few friends who were in that position, and all of them got divorced.
There is a reason that empty nesters see a resurgence in happiness. Raising children is stressful, and staying in a marriage because of children sounds like an awful way to live. The fact that many parents stay in unhappy marriages because of their kids isn't comforting to me!
Just thought you all should know!
Are parents of 10 more mature than parents of one simply because they have more kids?
Should is a 30yo infertile couple, as opposed to a willfully CF couple, be executed because they can't have kids ala your fig tree? Is its shade of no value?
Should a woman who for what ever reason, dry ducts, chemotherapy, HIV, prison mom, can not breastfeed is she somehow less of a mom less of a woman simply because she can't or elects not to nurse?
I have trouble thinking of things less mature and more selfish than approaching the creation of new life as part of a checklist of "adulthood", except possibly for some of the de-humanizing, bullying things people say to/about women who are infertile or who have chosen to remain out of the gene pool (which is often done to avoid passing on negative genetic traits; is it more "grown up" to have a baby that is 90% likely to suffer a debilitating disease?)
Life is about choices. Some people choose differently. Doesn't make them deficient in this case, just choosing to be childless. Power to you whatever your choice. But don't knock mine.
I know for me, no way. I work in Africa doing refugee work with children. I couldn't do that if I had children of my own. But hey, I guess that's selfish...
Whatever, no one is better than anyone else. But it is clear, from some of the righteous posturing on here by parents who believe that they are superior and lose their composure when told differently, that some of us are far more intelligent (emotionally and otherwise) than those who claim to be superior because of parenthood.
Please GTFOH with that. To each his own. Live with it.
http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/we_say_no_to_babies_and_yes_to_nyc_2i0q9vs7bKt4pcQfhbYNVO?utm_campaign=Post10&utm_source=Post10Alpha
I have often wondered how many people didn't tell their betrothed their true plans to parent or not. And how many marriages ended because one of them was dishonest with their spouse or themselves when it came to having kids.
BTW, since you are so insistent that my statistic are faulty, here's proof they are not — Rufus' numbers come from the Pew Center: http://pewsocialtrends.org/2010/06/25/childlessness-up-among-all-women-down-among-women-with-advanced-degrees/#prc-jump. But, perhaps you don't trust its research, either.
Why didn't you want to be an astronaut?
:-)
The Return On Investment is to low for me. Years of study and work for a gamble of a chance to go out of space once or twice in your life. I'd rather be a space tourist. minimum work for a great adventure.
Parenthood is pretty much the same years of blood sweat and tears for a few I love you and a chance to say my kid is a well adjusted productive member of society. I rather be an aunt. Minimum work for great experience.